I'm a writer that normally writes comedy. Now i'm trying my hand at something a bit darker. Please read this the first page to a story i'm writing and tell me your honest opinion. I'm not sure if its any good, my girl friend says it is but...ya know...
Also if you could take a look at the other thread i started called "Bad Habit" on this board i would be thankful...i can really use your help.
Anyway the story...

What is darkness? The answer at first seems simple, the lack of light. What about darkness in the heart and soul? Is it possible for someone to be born evil, or is it their upbringing that makes them bad? Or it could be the books the music or the religious zealots that turn people evil? But what is evil, and what is good? Most people think they are doing good, but in another’s opinion they are doing great evil. In this case who knows, God, a judge or the people? In most cases it is about good and evil. But this one is not about what is right what is wrong, what is black what is white, what is good what is evil. It is more about being misled and the misjudgement of others.
On the surface Michael was a young man like any other, but underneath he was very different. He was an angry young man with fire in his heart and bad thoughts in his head. Most of the time he kept these to himself, but sometimes when he was least expecting it the demon inside would raise it ugly head. Normally he was a polite, nice, well-mannered boy, but if you said the wrong thing to him he would all of a sudden lose control of himself. Early in his teens he developed a fascination with death the Internet was the source of this past time. He would often sit at his computer in the pitch black looking and admiring the work of the worst killers on the face of the planet. He sometimes thought that he could smell the stench of death or the last drop of fear in the victim. He kept this obsession a secret. Not long after he found death he found Satanism, he was easily turned by the words that Anton Lavay said. Anton slowly picked the Christian religion apart, it made perfect sense to Michael. He resented his Christian up bring, he felt that his parents and teachers had given his no choice in what religion he wanted to be. Anton said “Christians don’t mean to corrupt their children because they have been corrupted them selves by the one that they call ‘the one true God’” he also said, “The God that they worship has broken at least one of the seven deadly sins. Greed he wanted all the power for himself, and cast out from heaven his partner, our lord Lucifer”. This made great sense to Michael because in the bible it said “let us make man in our image” implying that there is more than one God, and Christians are always told there is only one. Michael was angry with Christians because he thought their whole religion was hypercritic. He thought that they thought they could get away with any amount of sin just by confessing to a Minister and saying a few “Hail Mary’s” they would get away with it. Michael knew that his opinion would not be much appreciated so he kept it to himself most of the time, it only came out to a certain extent during his out bursts of rage. He mostly controlled the anger inside by listening to angry, anti-social and controversial music, such as Napalm Death and Slayer. He could really relate to the lyrics in the songs. Michael knew he couldn’t amount to anything, even though he was quite intelligent he didn’t he the motivation or the social skills to accomplish anything. Other people knew that and mocked him for it; he didn’t care because he knew this to. A simple job appealed to him he wanted jobs were he wouldn’t have to talk to many people, like a gravedigger. That went hand in hand with his obsession with death.
No one knew why Michael had such a dark heart, one thing was sure he had always been that way…

Thanx again.

Hello Evil Al. Man, what happened to you, you used to write comedy. One side of the spectrum to the other. In all seriousness though, I'm not an editor, publisher, or critic, and when I read a book Its usually of the historical fiction type. In my worthless opinion I think you do show signs of potential, and so does your story. I'm not usually into dark dramas, but I want to know what happens to Michael.

Micheal sounds pretty F'ed up :D

Anyway, you might get alot of relgious debats from the story, but you might not.

Its intruiging in a odd. To see what happens to him.

It's good, but I think there's a little too much rhetoric in the begining. Also you use the word "bad" alot when I'm sure there are more descriptive words to use that say more or less the same thing.

All in all, it is very well done though.

Tighten the focus, edit it a little, and you've got a very good beginning of a story! The premise promises contraversial ideas rather than the run-of-the-mill ho-hum. Now, if you can maintain the momentum........

the darkness... another side of perspective.. there is so little "dark" perspective with tolerance.. (i must be rambling) i cant even understand what i just said.. well dont mind this madman here right now..

Thanks guys, i wanted to post it on this forum because this forum is for normal people...well as normal as you can get. I was a little worried about Christians being offened, but i'm a Christian myself so...its good i havnt offended anyone so far. If it happenens a word from my lawyer: "The opinion of 'Michael' in noway porteys the opinion of the author.
Thanks again, i'll use what you said well.

Just a small note: the head of the Satanist church was called Anton Szandor LaVey, not Lavay [img]smile.gif[/img]

The first thing I always notice when people post stories here is how fast they move through the story. Is it really that interesting to have found out in maybe 30 lines that your protagonist is evil, that he is fascinated by death? A great deal also depends on how you let the reader know. Do you simply say "Michael had always been fascinated by death" (which, paraphrased, is what you do) or do you try to be more descriptive about it? I for one would enjoy a story much more if it was the latter case. You have all the room in the world, so why tryand summarise your entire story in a few sentences? I'd elaborate on Michael sitting at his desk at night, surfing the net. Describe what he does, take your time, even if it takes up a few pages of writing. It gets much more interesting if you do.
Another example: "that's why he listened to bands such as Napalm Death or Slayer". That is hardly an interesting sentence...
Compare it to describing Michael sitting in his room. Describe how he puts on some music. Relate how he reads along out loud with some of the lyrics, nodding his head to the music. Describe how the music sounds like, using new words and expressions. Try to describe things in a new way, a way that most people haven't thought of before. Quote a bit of the lyrics but leave the band name unspoken. I think it would be much more realistic this way.


BTW, don't see this as anything else than positive criticism, ok? [img]smile.gif[/img] Not trying to slag you off, just giving my honest opinion in an attempt to help. I normally never even respond to questions about people's own writing here, because frankly, it is -no offense intended at all- too amateurish and clumsy for me. I have maybe once or twice seen someone here write something with potential, and the rest I just view as a great hobby for them, with no interest for me. [img]smile.gif[/img]
Anyway, I tried to make this point now as it is something that I see almost everybody here do; start off their story at bullet speed, using no elaboration at all. You have to be a very skillful writer to pull that off and be VERY inventive with your language, so that's why I wanted to draw your attention to it. [img]smile.gif[/img]
Good luck with the story!

EDIT: my compliments on your spelling, BTW. One of the first reasons why I refuse to read some people's stuff is because their spelling is so bad. That is not excusable in any way. Use a spellcheck if you must, but you cannot be expected to be taken seriously if yuo sepll liek this. :D One small typo I noticed was hypercritical instead of hypocritical, but it is very good to see you know how to write proper English...that's a good start at least *smile*

Thanks Melusine, no offence taken, you have given me a lot of good ways to improve it. When i was proof reading my first post i thought that i might have rushed it a bit. I'm still stuck in the sytle of comedy writing that doesnt really have to be very discriptive. Are you by any chance a writer yourself?

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Evil Al:
Thanks Melusine, no offence taken, you have given me a lot of good ways to improve it. When i was proof reading my first post i thought that i might have rushed it a bit. I'm still stuck in the sytle of comedy writing that doesnt really have to be very discriptive. Are you by any chance a writer yourself?<hr></blockquote>

Nope, I recognise the mistakes amateur writers make way too easily, which is why I never could justify it to myself were I to start writing and making the same mistakes. :D However, I *am* a student of English literature, one of the best students in my class, and thus quite capable of judging other people's writing, if I may be so arrogant ;) [img]smile.gif[/img]
The British author A.S. Byatt studied English Lit herself and said it's almost impossible for one who has studied literature (and hence is good at literary criticism) to become a writer oneself, simply because you recognise all the flaws in your own work, LOL. She is a damn good writer herself though, so it cannot be wholly true then. :D

Anyway, good luck! [img]smile.gif[/img]