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Christmas with Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
fireplace
before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because
every
Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowing, his
poor
pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and
went
in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at
Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never
been in
an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I
was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're
kidding
me!" or "Who would buy that?"
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a
standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger
in my
truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different
models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for
'Lovable
Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call
Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to
life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning
hours, long after Santa had come and gone. I filled the dangling
pantyhose
with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and
drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home and
giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his
house
and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark
some
more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose
so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the
traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What
the
hell is that?" she asked.
My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several
candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?"
Granny
continued.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her
into the dining room. But Granny was relentless.
"Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no
one
wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny!
Hang
on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me
and
said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was
Jay's
friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to
Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then
that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died,
who
was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise
that
sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she
lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a
heap
in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through
my
nose,
and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began
administering
mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and
wet
his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and
sat
in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and
remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to
decide
the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered
from
a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her
to
perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies.
I think Grandpa still calls her!

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Amanda's Dad-Best Damn Job, Period.
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