Ok I am writing a book and here is my latest version. Also where is Melusine? The Ambrosia is stopping following! Ok here it is, please give comments and suggestions.



A jagged thunderbolt flashed in the sky and then went on to hit a little cottage which promptly exploded in a huge ball of fire. The thunderbolt was just one of many that hit the poor village of Slaina which was slowly being destroyed. Desperately the Clerics and Mages cast spells such as Oracle and Farsight in a hope of glimpsing the cause of the calamities but it was to no avail.
All that was learnt was that the storms were not natural, but were caused by a Sorcerer of immense power, power that was rare in the world of Camberth. Nothing at all was known about the Sorcerer and it seemed like there was no hope at all for the City to be saved.
Then a desperate prayer from a Cleric resulted in a huge voice responding, " The storm is caused by the Sorcerer Joneleth. He is possessed by a power which is my rival. Your city is doomed to die under his wrath but however the rest of your world might be saved."
The voice paused for a moment and then continued " There is only one way for your world to be saved and that is by a person who will come forth and defeat the unholy Necromancer. The rules of our conflict restrict me from helping you so I am afraid to say your city will be destroyed in half a minute.
The voice went on " I am sorry but... "
A huge blast of thunder cackled and then hit the village, then huge balls of fire started falling and when landing would burst into huge fires. Soon the whole village was completely destroyed and everyone was dead except for one little man of about twenty years who in the storm lost his memory.

and that is you?

Too sudden. Your opening sentance suggests you are painting a picture that tells us what we should see, but it moves too fast and you dont give any real details.

Reading this reminds me of rolepaying. The bit you wrote with just a little changing could be a word for word description an DM might give of a scene while he is improving for a party that has suprised him by doing something rash.

Be more descriptive. Give the lightning color. When it hits the cottage tell something about the building. Was there a thatched roof or something else.

What you wrote there could easily take up 3 or 4 pages if properly flushed out. Then it would give a sense to the rader of where they are.

One minor content point. Is this a small poor village or a bustling one? Small poor villages rarely have Clerics and Mages in residence.

Also need to look at the writing from a non-gamer point of view. Unless this book went to TSR youd have a problem. Only poeple who read TSR novels would be able to follow some of your terminology. Anyone else would be a bit confused and not get it.

just my two cents.

Moriaty thanks! Your suggestions are really good!

Hey Hey!! Jon. I remember this plot - so you did go along with my opening after all? BTW Mortiary is right . There really is a lot you can buff up.

And what's that about villages being destroyed in half a minute??? Does the guy have a stopwatch or something? heh heh - only kiddin don't get mad

I bet I know what's coming - the guy with the lost memory is ME RIGHT?? And he's the guy that can only kill Joneleth but he doesn't realise this and lost all his powers. The gut then wanders around like an idiot - looking for aid and doesn't remember his powerful magic!!!

Then he confronts Joneleth and finds out his true identity.............OOOOOOOOHHHHHH that sounds scary Jon!! (LOL) Am I right or wrong?

Keep practising OK? and get the story bluff up to perfection.

I think you need a bit more descriptions. For instance, the town that gets destroyed. Who lived there? You need to make an emotional impact in some way. Something like "As Farmer Brown bent over to pick a ripe pepper, his weathered face looked up to see a blinding white light rimmed with red coming towards him" or some such. "He frantically looked for a place for shelter, but found none and was consumed by the firey explosion"? Perhaps your Cleric could have a past history where he hadn't used his magic in years, denied it for whatever reason, and had to use it finally because of the epidemic upon the town. Just a few suggestions. Your story has great potential!

wow I am amazed so many people here have good ideas! Thanks! Now I can get back to work on the actuall thing

hehehe nice example! Right now however I am avoiding getting back to work on the book. *sigh* might as well go back to the book.

Here I am!!!!!

Jon I see you have taken my advice that i gave you last time concerning elaboration etc. but like the other people who responded said: There is still more you can do. I must say that this second piece is a great improvement over the last one. However, it could still use lots more of elaboration and characterization. Just keep these four words in your mind and make sure that you properly work them out: plot, characterization, style and description. Also I think Moriartty is absolutely right in saying that the terminology you use is way too specific. Write this way and your book can only be read by a small amount of people who understand it. This is IMHO a great shortcoming. You have to keep in mind the audience that you want to read your book. Also, just look at some popular fantasy novels like those by Tolkien, Jordan and Eddings. They all tend to be vague where magic is concerned. It is a mysterious power, and the reader doesn't get a clear idea what it can do or how it is done. I think that approach is a lot more exciting than saying that a certain mage cast a magic missile from his spellbook.
Good luck with your work!!!

I was thinking something along the same lines. For instance;
The wizard finished his invocation and opened his eyes slowly. There was a flare of arcane light and the troll took on a deathly grey hue.
Or:
Some mage used flesh to stone.