Ironworks Gaming Forum - Charlie, my good friend please read

This is a one off letter for my friends here.

Awww shit, where to start, where to start? Look, I ain't gonna pull no punches, I'm gonna write as I speak, if very strong language offends anyone then butt out now, an asterisk don't mask a word it only masks a letter. I feel I've got to put this here by way of explanation, my mailbox has a considerable amount of letters in it, and the truth is I won't reply to them all personally. Call me lazy, call me a ■■■■, call me what you will, it's just me, it's the way I am, it's the way it is. Some I will respond to on a personal level and I will include my new home address. Brian, Amber, Wendy and Mike, you are definites and I love you dearly, there are some others, Moiraine, Paul, ■■■■, I could go on and on. At least by way of public address everyone knows what's what and where's where. Know now though, that you are each special to me in some fahion.

So who the ■■■■ am I? What the ■■■■ am I? Hmm, good questions. Some would call me a junkie, some a drug addict and others just a ■■■■■■■ low life. Each true I guess to some measure dependant upon your lifes perspective. What's happened? What's going on here? Look, this is the way it is and this is how I came to invade your lives. I've been drinking since I was 13, I've been using drugs of one description or another since I was about 16.....I'm now 38. I got mixed up in the world of hard drugs....cocaine and ecstasy at around age 23. Before I go any further, know this well, that I have NEVER dealt or sold drugs to anyone, I have only ever used them. Know also this, I don't condone their use, I am anti-drug use and if I could give something to save a young life then I would gladly do so. Drugs do kill, whether by the use of them or the inherent violence associated with them. If they don't kill you they will leave psychological scars....I promise you. My personal opinion is that drug education in the UK is fundamentally flawed and often the rehabilitation methods are too, but that's another story.

Let's get back on track as to why I'm here and why I'm going.

Well, as I said, I'm a drug user....or at least I was...well, I'm still a little confused on this issue so I'll move on. How did I come to be here? What happened with me was the progression from cocaine into crack. This I done for years, I held a good steady job down, was very, very well paid (I worked on racing cars at the time) and supported my own £400+ a week habit without resorting to crime.....something I'm very proud of, although I lived in squalor, never ate and was constantly behind with my rent. Many times I tried to kick the habit into touch. I saw doctors, psychologists, psychotherapists...you name it, including one fairly famous daytime TV shrink. Nothing worked for one reason or another, that's not to say that any of the above were at fault. Sometimes I think people need tailored help, but funding and other issues can make that difficult, and things can also be different from borough to borough. Kind of like penicillin killing one man but curing another.
Anyway, some of my "friends" were "mr bigs" in their own right, (a few of them are now "mr dead") and it's easy to get carried away in the glamour of it all, and whether you like it or not, it can be quite glamourous. Free women, free drugs, treated like royalty in major clubs etc...it's easy to be swept along with. To cut a lifelong story very short, when mr big became mr dead another of my slightly closer friends (not a close mate, but one of those that somehow infiltrates the group and is accepted although no-one really knows who the ■■■■ he is) tried to fill his boots. The glamour and money had claimed his senses and he became a "plastic gangster" unfortunately he was never gonna cut it.....this was the real deal, not the sanitized bollocks that you see on TV. Well he got nicked (arrested) well and truly nicked and was caught banged to rights......he grassed (squealed, snitched) on the real people....big big mistake. I was within inches of him during the attempt on his life. There is nothing nice about seeing a large knife plunged to the hilt into the side of another mans neck....worse again watching the repeated stabbing of his prostate body. He survived this (because I broke a golden rule and got the police and ambulance there after the first hit....I knew he was a dead man otherwise) but some months later he turned on me. He knew that I knew that he was a grass and this rankled with him terribly (I never mentioned it to anyone, never would have, it was well known by then anyway, but I think he tried to deflect attention from himself by snide, underhand, behind the back attacks upon me. Unfortunately for him my friends love me and I was kept informed at every turn.) He managed by various devious means to get me barred from my local where all my mates hung out and caused me all manner of other difficulties. Eventually, to my great shame, I snapped. I battered the living shit out of him......he had me nicked. The ensuing court case lasted five months all told, I lost my job and my flat but escaped prison...just. All of this carry on for one reason, all this pain, violence and ■■■■■■■ futility over a bit of powder......and still I carried on smoking crack at home (I moved in with a friend of mine....she was unaware) and snorting coke in pub toilets....■■■■■■■ shameful. I started to take stock again, here I was being devious behind my dear friends back and I wanted to be off the gear. Trouble is that loads of my mates use cocaine recreationally, none (thank you God) smoke the pipe. Although I could struggle through and not use if by myself, as soon as we were all together it was a different story. Unfortunately, between us users, giving your mate a line or a joint was no different to buying him a pint. You'd have to be a right bastard to keep it to yourself, we're all adults and these were adult decisions and it's the way it had been for years. Unfortunately for me, I'm a habitual user, as soon as I touch it I'm off and running again until the money runs out. Don't get me wrong, my friends have stood solidly behind me every time I've tried to stop. No one ever forced me, no one ever forced them.

The only way out that I could see was to break away from my lifetime friends. And I really do mean lifetime. I started infants school at five years old, met my best mate on that first day, it was his first day too. We are still the very closest of friends 33 years on, he is one of the only non users (again, thank you God) that I know very well and the sad truth is, but for him I wouldn't be here today. Added to him are the other school mates that we also bonded with, each of which go back well over 20 years, there's around 20 of us all told. Well, when you are around people almost daily for that amount of time.....you can imagine how difficult it is to break all contact. This was the sacrifice I have made for over a year now in attempt to be drug free....Leaving drugs alone after so many years of hard use is one thing...to leave the people that you love so dearly alongside that.......It's broken my heart into pieces more than once. Added to that, I had to let my business fall into rack and ruin, I daren't visit the area because I knew I'd be hooked up again. I never planned on playing computer games, I'd never even been on the internet prior to a few months ago. What a lucky blessed man I am to have stumbled upon you people. Reading and posting stuff and gaining glimpses of the trials, tribulations and highs of some of the board members has been quite the eye opener. Playing on-line games, learning a few skills here and there, listening and learning of the lifeworks and lifestyles of others....■■■■, I feel truly privileged, truly, truly privileged. There aren't enough thanks I can give.

So what's changed?

Well one of my mates had a big house party, around 120 people, 99% I'd guess use one drug or another. Primarily cannabis with 30 to 40 or so cocaine and ecstasy users. God love the lot of them, because there were 4, yes four straights (outside of our usual group, there are non users within it but they're very liberal minded, wives, girlfriends etc) no cocaine could be used in view. It had to be done in the toilet or a sectioned bedroom to avoid offending these people (I call that respect.) Well anyway, because I have a level of popularity with these people (I knew every person at the party personally) the welcome that I received was truly overwhelming, I couldn't speak for the lump in my throat for a good few minutes. Within minutes of my arrival I had 2 grammes of cocaine, 2 ecstacy tablets and an eighth of cannabis in my pocket. I just bought it without a seconds thought....not a murmor entered my head about the rights and wrongs of it. Yes I did two lines in rapid succesion and then totally forgot I had it....■■■■■■■ astounding for me. The two pills I gave away later in the night, don't bother preaching to me about the rights and wrongs of that act ok, because I don't give a ■■■■. My friend knew I wasn't gonna take them, she wanted them, she's my friend and she got them, no money involved, no guilt on my part, no regrets on hers. If I hadn't someone else would....end of story. Back on track....The most strange thing happened during the night, something that has never ever happened to me before happened. I was a little bit drunk, took something from my pocket and the coke wraps reared their ugly heads. I thought "may as well do a little line" I'd had the gear for about 7 hours by now, untouched other than when I first entered the house. Within the 20 seconds walk from one room to the bathroom I lost my cocaine wraps, both of them, barely touched and worth nearly £100. Was that an act of God I wonder? Oddly enough I wasn't that affected, save the usual "am I going ■■■■■■■ mad here or what" syndrome that you get when you lose any item without knowing how it could possibly have happened. I didn't miss it, I didn't really crave it like I would under normal circumstances....it was nothing, just gone. I spent the next few hours talking to my best mate, going through the usual stuff. The following day I wondered if I'd fluked and decided to stay in the area as a test of myself. I stayed for a couple of weeks.....I never used. I hankered a little after a good drink sure...but I never used. I was offered for free....but I never used.

So my personal story turns full circle.

I love people and I love my friends with a fierce passion. Without them I'd have been dead and buried a long time ago. I'm a very tactile person and I need that human touch, celibacy is about as funny as a rattlesnake in a lucky dip in my opinion and I don't wear it well. There are people on this board that, unbeknown to them have got me through some incredibly difficult times over the past few months, and I'll never forget them, I never could. If I was abrasive or condescending in a post or reply to anyone, then please forgive me. It's been hard at times and yeah, I've chucked the odd tantrum....who hasn't?

So, in closing. Was this the right place or time to post this?...I don't know. I don't know if there's anything to be learned or gained through this post. It's not posted as a "holier than thou" post and I'll bet there will be people deeply shocked that they have been communicating with a hardened drug addict for the past few months....good in some ways. We're not all low life nutters, nor are we necessarily victims. We're human beings first and foremost. Unfortunately as is too often the case, our intelligence is surpassed only by our own stupidity. It's all part of lifes rich tapestry, it's what makes us individuals. I'm not going to post any more on this subject, I will carry on reading and posting up until I go. I will miss you all very sorely that's a cast iron fact. How I wish to God that I could meet some of you in the flesh, God willing one day I shall. I will contact, and keep in touch with a few of you, you're my friends, and as such I love you. But for now and at long, long last.....

It's finally time to go home.

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One love, peace.