Terror threat levels
 

These probably weren't written by Cleese, but it's still fun. The US threat levels were added by me.

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE: BY JOHN CLEESE

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are
"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire
that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the
country's military capability.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya
and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or
even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the
blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been
re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the
British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when
threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get
the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they
have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300
years.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective
Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance"
to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat
they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy
can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
"She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I
think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is
canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final
escalation level.

And the United States has renamed their threat levels to the following;
1. ThreatCon1 is now known as “Search infants for sophisticated explosives”.
2. ThreatCon2 is “Search adults for shoe-phones and chemistry sets”.
3. ThreatCon3 is “X-ray screening for the lunch break floor show”.
4. ThreatCon4 is “Invade an innocent foreign nation”.
5. ThreatCon5 is now “Send in the drones to murder suspects without due process”.


Have an unthreatening day!

Re: Terror threat levels
 

But you've forgotten the Irish threat levels! They've recently gone from "Let's have a pint" to "Sing more sentimental songs." Before long they might proceed to "We need more whiskey." Be grateful that they do not possess nuclear weapons; heaven help the world if they ever reached the hypothetical "The pubs are all closed" with a viable red button at their disposal!

Re: Terror threat levels
 

I'm afeared we're stuck at levels 4 and 5 these days, and forever. Raise your right hand, palm outward, to salute the truth of this.