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Lioness 04-25-2003 01:03 PM

I've noticed throughout my time here many occupants of this board have displayed their works of literature, poetry, and drama. I would like this thread to be a place where people can post anything they are working on, or have finished and would like some feedback on - from school papers and college thesis' to stories, poems, and plays. I only ask that the material follow the forum guidelines, and comments and critiques are polite, helpful, and thought through.

To start off, I'll post here a narrative I'm doing for a school assignment: "to describe a time when you experienced the unexplainable." I wrote this in the half hour I left myself before class (ah, procrastination...) and thus it is quite random and thrown together... I have to hand in a final draft Monday and would appreciate any commments on how I can pull it together a bit more, while keeping the distracted, "in-the-moment" feel I want it to have.

Thank you! [img]smile.gif[/img]

Write anything, she said.
(And that made me think about all the knots in my hair.) I pulled three strings of shiny black beads off my left wrist, revealing the puckered indents they left. I couldn’t type with them on; they cut off the circulation of thoughts running through my blood – from my heart to my hands, trickling out onto the screen before me. The pads of my fingers greeted the keyboard like a childhood sweetheart, tentative at first, hesitant, depending on eyes to seek out the needed letters. But slowly they grew accustomed to each other as the words flowed smoothly and silently. I could have put the bracelets back on now, had I wanted, the words were not coming out of my head or heart but kindled from the spark as my fingers ran lightly over the keys.
Her hands tugged absentmindedly in my windswept hair as she battled the tangles left there by lack of care. “What did the lawyer name her daughter?” she said.
“No,” I murmured. “No, the unexpected.”
She ignored me, and began roping thin strands of my hair into a series of small braids. I took no notice, the gentle pulling at the back of my head like strings to the marionettes of my fingers. I let them dance where they would.
“What’s the point of writing about the unexplainable, you can’t explain it by definition…”
I glanced up at her, twisting in my seat until my hair, wrapped around her fingers, was in front of my eyes. “That’s the point.” My fingers kept moving independent of my thoughts. “This isn’t a definition. It’s poetry. It’s a story. I…can’t explain it.”
“Any random thing, that’s what this paper is.” she replied, shaking her head as she brushed the last few tangles out of my hair.


[ 04-25-2003, 01:04 PM: Message edited by: Lioness ]

Lioness 04-25-2003 09:06 PM

little *bump*

Sir Goulum 04-25-2003 09:26 PM

Nice thread, Nessy! I think I might add in a little story i'm trying to work on...

<h2><font color=lightblue><u><font face=OldEnglishTextMT>The Beginning of an End</u></font></h2></font>

<h3><font color=lightblue><u>Chapter 1</u></font></h3>

<font face="TimesNewRoman" size="3" color="Orange">Triant look uneasy as he entered the city gates of the famed city of Altcar. It’s well known as ‘The City of Peace’, but has also over the years gained quite a reputation of being ‘The City of Thieves’. According to rumors heard from the Province of Helka, Triant knows that the thieves mostly take on visitors to the city; they are less aware of people around them as residents are. Nevertheless, Triant journeyed forth through the marble arch that marks the entrance to Altcar. He gazed at the beautiful shimmer it created as light shines on it.
“It was shipped here from across the seas you know,” said a man behind him. As he said it, Triant jumped. He was getting worried of pick pocketers.
“Oh, uh, yes. That's quite interesting. Where might I ask, did they come from across the seas?” Triant asked, still a little shaken from his surprise. “And what might your name be dear sir?”
The man had glistening armor that seemed to radiate heat from it. It looked of gold, although Triant knew it mustn’t have been; an armor of that sort would be priceless. He seemed to be caught into it and couldn’t pull his eyes away from it. Through all of his experience, he had never seen such beautiful armor, nor any that seemed so magical. Triant didn’t believe in magic himself, it was probably because no one in his small province had any magical powers or was taught magic. There were no schools for magic there, and the young adolescents who wished to learn wizardry, must travel great distances, and in some cases across the Great Sea to be taught. Most of the time, unfortunately, the students never pass.
“They came from the...hello? Are you even listening to me?” said the mysterious man, obviously annoyed. Triant had been so deep in thought, that he hardly even heard the man try and answer him.
“Sorry, I was lost in thought for a minute there. Please, continue,” Triant replied.
“As you wish. The marble is from the Elves in Cildanser. It was shipped here as a present to us for creating this Capital City. My name is Sir Ryan Talgin. My duty is to watch the gates for any suspected thieves trying to enter or leave the city. There is enough crime as it is here,” he said. He looked somewhat suspiciously at Triant for a moment. “Hopefully, for your sake, you are not a thief.”
“Just a humble traveler seeing new places, Sir Talgin. Well, I must be off. It is getting dark and I must find a place to retire for the night. It was nice meeting you.”
“It was nice meeting you too...what was your name again?” Sir Talgin asked.
“Triant. The name is Triant. Good night!” He replied as he jogged away in search of an inn. He took one quick look back at at where Sir Talgin was, but he was gone. Triant stopped to survey where Talgin was, but he was nowhere in sight. Triant shrugged his shoulders and assumed that he merely ran off to catch someone pick pocketing a poor victim. As Triant neared a jolly looking inn, he stared into the sunset. The sun was dipping down into the bluffs gracefully and slowly. Judging by the season, and the suns location, Triant assumed it was nearly 8:00 in the evening. The hotel neared and, etched on the wooden sign was gracefully written:

The Stampeding Horse Inn
Open from sunrise to sunset,
every day

Triant surveyed the outside of the place. It was quite tall, possibly 40 feet in height. The wood was quite run down looking, and some of the lower story windows were shattered or cracked. As old and rundown as it looks, it was still a nice place overall, and Triant liked the more beat up places. They didn’t attract as many pick pocketers as the ritzy inns did. As he stepped inside, the decor amazed him. It had marble counter tops with a silver binding around the edges of them. Triant assumed that, despite the poor appearance, this place was rich. Never judge a book by its cover has a new meaning thought Triant. He was abruptly shoved out of the doorway by a large man. Triant didn’t want to get into a fight so he swiftly stepped out of the way. Slowly he made his way to the counter to order a room. He hoped that they wouldn’t cost much as he was very low on money at the moment. People stared at his attire as if he were a bum walking into a palace. He almost was, but Triant didn’t mind because he was used to it.
“Pardon me, sir,” Triant tried to get the barkeeper’s attention. “I’d like to rent a room for the night if that is possible.”
Laughter erupted as people thought he was just trying to beg for a room. Triant didn’t mind; he almost enjoyed the attention.
“Well, Sir, do you have any money?” The barkeeper replied almost mockingly.
“Why yes I do. And might I ask what your name is?” He politely asked the barkeeper. The barkeep was almost stunned at Triants politeness. It was as if the barkeeper had never been talked to politely.
“The names Bim. If you want to rent a room, you need 10 pieces of gold for the middle class room,” Bim replied, he was somewhat more polite now. Possibly because of Triants politeness and lack of hostility; many others in the crammed room seemed to be hostile.
“Here Bim. I’ll give you 15 gold pieces, it’ll help you to renovate the outside. It could use the work,” Triant joked as he handed Bim the money.
“Ah, young man, there is no need. I keep it ram shackled for a reason: it creates less thievery around my entrance, and therefore more people have money to rent rooms. Its a fairly good system I might say so myself,” Bim replied. He seemed quite serious, and at the same time proud of his place. Triant suspected that it must have taken years to save enough money just to buy the marble counter tops.
“Well, its what brought me here. I usually never head towards the ritzy looking places, for that very reason: far too much robbery,” Triant said. He was eying the menu for beers and wines. It had been many hours since he had any food or drink, and was practically starving.
“I certainly hope that my humble establishments look will not cause you to leave and search for a new place to rest for the night. I would be very disappointed,” Bim suddenly queried. It seemed that he hasn’t had many people sleep here. For what reason, Triant can’t fathom.
“Why no-no, Bim. I am tired and must rest. But first I would like to have a drink. Could you please get 1 pint of Beer-Belly Ale?” Triant, polite as usual, asked. He was tired. It had been days since he got a good nights sleep, and months since he had been on a bed. His constant travel either led him to be on the ground, or on a bed that had no mattress, or even a comfortable one.he was looking forward to this well deserved rest.
“As you wish. Your room is on the second floor, third one to your right. Available to you whenever you decide to retire. Oh and 1 pint of Beer-Belly Ale, coming right up!” Bim was quite enthusiastic, since Triant decided to spend the night here.
Bim got Triants drink quite quickly, and Triant found a secluded corner to sit down and sip on his Ale. By now, people were herding out of the inn by the masses. It was like a migration of birds. There never seemed to be an end until, finally, there was just Triant, Bim, and a shaggy man sitting at a barstool. For some reason, Bim seemed to try and avoid that area where the man was. Triant slowly walked over to him and suddenly found out, to his surprise, that the man was not a man at all. It was a woman! As Triant shuffled closer, the lady spun around on her stool and whipped out a dagger. She gazed at Triant, and eventually put the dagger down and concealed it again under her cloak.
“Sorry son. I get a lot of people try to rob me on these streets. Sit down. You look of the adventurous type! Oh and my name is Galphan. Lady Galphan. And you are?” Galphan said. She appeared to be telling the truth, and Triant believed her. This city is the City of Thievery.
“Ok, ma’am. You were correct, I, Triant, is an adventurer. Do you require any sort of service? Money would be the only payment that I would accept,” Triant replied, still somewhat concerned about whether or not she’ll just eventually kill him or not.
“Hush! Evil voices are near, and I can feel their presence. Come, we must discuss this in my room. Quickly, follow me!” Galphan replied, barely even making a sound. They hurriedly rushed upstairs, to the top floor, barely making a sound. As soon as they made it to her room, Lady Galphan blocked all entrances into the room. Either it was to ensure that no one was entering the room, to make no one leave, or possibly, both.</font>


<h3><font color=lightblue><u>Chapter 2</u></font></h3>

<font face="TimesNewRoman" size="3" color="Orange"> “Ok what do you want, Galphan?” Triant asked. He was getting agitated because there was no immediate exit. He always likes an escape.
“Just for you to shut up and listen to what I have to say. A couple of days ago, the High Order of Wizards gathered to discuss an urgent situation gathering. There is an evil force building somewhere, and I believe it is centered here, in Altcar. It is not the petty thieves, they have been here long, and are under control; we have been monitoring their activities. Also, they don’t have the resources nor the power to create such evil. No, we believe it is a powerful cult, with wizards and many other powerful beings, and possibly a god that is roaming the lands. This cult has many eyes and ears throughout this country, and even in your homeland, The Province of Helka,” Galphan explained. Triant has paddy full attention to this, deep in thought.
“So where do I come in?” Triant asked, annoying Galphan for interrupting her.
“I’m getting to it!” She snapped at him. Triant just sat back into his chair and started listening to Galphan’s tale. “We need you to enter their order and earn their trust. We will possibly teach you magic if you agree to it. Our order knows of your skepticism to magic, but believe me, its quite real. You do not have to accept this task, we have many other people to choose from for this mission. We do believe that you are most qualified, and most prepared to do this. We will need your answer by this morning.”
With a flash of what appeared to be magical light, Lady Galphan was gone, and no where in sight. Triant slowly moved the furniture out of the way, and exited to room. He had gone to her room in such a hurry, that he never got a good look of the halls and staircase. The walls were made of oak, and had a beautiful glimmer to it, possibly because of the finish put on it. There was oil lamps every 5 feet or so to give some light into the halls, and there was a floral design on the glass. It reflected on the walls to look like a field of plants made up of shadows. The floors were quite antique in the looks because they were quite scratched and were possible a part of the building this was before it was renovated. It went quite well with the ritzy look, surprisingly. As he approached his room on the second floor, he paused. I don’t have to do this quest. I doubt I’ll even get paid he thought. He argued with himself for a couple minutes before deciding on taking the quest. It will be for the best he told himself as he opened his door to his room. To his utmost surprise, Lady Galphan was there and appeared to have been waiting for him.
She was even more glamourous now than before. She had 4 golden bracelets on each wrist and a silk gown laced with diamonds. Her neck was nearly pure gems because of her large quantity of necklaces that dangled. Without even talking, she beckoned him to enter the room. Her green eyes twinkled with every move the fire made. It was as if she were an angel summoned from the heavens to be the match for Triant.
“I see you have made your decision, Triant. Let me assure you, it was a wise choice. You see, if you hadn’t the world would surely have been doomed to the forces of evil. Here, I will show you,” Galphan told him.
Before Triant could say anything, there was a picture in front of him. It showed the city, Altcar, in ruins, still burning in parts. He could see bodies, or skeletons to be precise, laying around or under the rubble. The scene changed, but it wasn’t any more pleasant than the last, but it certainly wasn’t any more horrific. This picture showed a round table filled with cloaked figures. There was a circle with a skull engraved in the middle of the table. Triant, amidst the thoughts of horror, believed that these men where the heads of the cult Galphan had talked about. Suddenly, the picture moved to the far side of the room. It showed a man, being chopped to pieces with a sword. As strange as the pictures came, it vanished and left Triant feeling sick and horrified. He felt sad in a way for the people, even though the events he witnessed have yet to come and go.
“You see why it was imperative that you agreed with our task for you,” Galphan said calming to the obviously shaken Triant.
“Why did you not just tell me what was going to happen. I surely would have accepted without hesitance!” He replied in a quiet voice.
“We could not have risked the slight possibility that you would have tried to save yourself instead of risking it for the greater good,” She trying to sooth Triant.
“Yeah, well, you could’ve been a little less...graphic!” Triant snapped back at her, still somewhat shaken.
“Seeing as you have accepted, I shall now give you the proper weaponry to complete the task. Here is your new sword, “She said as she handed him an Elvish looking sword. It had an elegant look too it, as well as Elvish writing engraved into the blade. The hilt was composed of silver, and gold laced together so mystically, that it enchanted him. At the end of the hilt, was an emerald that shone beautifully against the flickering candles lit around the small room.
“This shall be your armor. It is composed of magically refined Red Dragon Scales. It should protect you from most swords as well as fire and the powers of most dragons. This is not an immediate solution to fighting Dragons, though. They should still be avoided,” she said. There was a hint of caution in her voice when she explained the Dragons to him.
This armor had a red tint to the greenish scales on it. As Triant slipped it on, he was surprised to find that it had a perfect fit, and wasn’t to bulky or heavy on him. In fact, he hardly noticed he was wearing it.
“Lastly, this is your spell book. It holds a variety of spells from Crawling Carcasses, to Heal all Wounds. It shall prove useful on your journey,” She passed the book on to Triant.
“Sorry, I don’t believe in magic. I doubt I will use it,” He shoved the small book back to Galphan.
“Take it. You shall use. It is a certainty.” She replied sternly. Triant took it back and put in a pocket of his pants. “Now be off, Triant, and save the world! Oh, and take these. It is a bag of 2000 gold. Use it sparingly.”
“Thank you, Galphan. I hope that we shall meet again, alive,” Triant snatched the bag and headed to the door of his room. He gazed back at the small cramped room and groaned. This was to be a rest, but was turning into yet another journey, except this time it was different. He had no idea who was his allies or who was his enemy. For all he new, Galphan was really planning on killing him, but he had a gut feeling that this was the right thing to do. He hastily went down the stairs of the Inn, and left into the night sky and set off, to where, he did not know. As soon as he stepped outside he felt an impulse to draw his sword. Triant looked left and right for something, but didn’t see anything that could tell his instincts to draw the sword. He continued to the gate, sword tight in his hand, when suddenly he heard footsteps behind him. He whirled around to find the guard that he chatted with earlier, approaching.
“Hello again, friend! Taking a midnight stroll?” Triant asked Sir Talgin.
“No,” He said with a snarl, “I’ve come to kill you”
Triant raised his sword to block a blow just in time; if he were a millisecond slower, he would have been dead right now. He swung at Sir Talgin and gave him a nasty blow to the chest and knocked him to the ground. The stabbed him through the heart and then stared at him. Could this have been the evil and corruption Galphan talked about? Triant thought. He pulled his sword out of the chest of Sir Ryan Talgin, and slowly walked out of the city gates, and onto the road leading to the heart of the country.
The road was quite plain, and very packed down. It was obviously traveled on lots due to the wideness and lack of plant growth on it. The forest was also quite dense in this area, although Triant assumed it would soon be cleared for expansion of the city, as the city was growing fast. He was quite alert, because of the muggers around at this time of night. They were usually around the interior of the city, where the higher class people are, but Triant still worried. He felt that being alert all the time begins to make it instinct. With his profession, that was good. He wandered along until finally, near sunrise, he took a rest. He gazed back at Altcar and hoped he would see it again. The sun peeked over the tallest tower in the building just as Triant sat down for breakfast. It created a gorgeous shimmer that shone down on everything and everyone. As the sun blasted, Triant gazed back and saw a shadow of a person slowly turning around a sharp corner. He quickly gathered up his breakfast, and shuffled into the bushes and quietly drew his sword in case of this being a foe. Just as the man/woman turned the bend, Triant jumped out of the bushes and put the sword up against the persons throat. Triant observed it was a woman.
“What is this? What do you think your doing?” The lady asked Triant in a worried voice.
“Oh, I’m sorry m’lady. The past couple of days has made very alert when it comes to traveling. I meant no harm to you,” Triant replied. He was blushing of embarrassment because of the demeanor of the woman. She was dressed in a blue silk gown that slowly and gracefully waved in the slight breeze that blew from the ocean.
“Well, that is no excuse! I should have you locked up and magically sealed in the Altcar Prison! Do you have any idea who I am??” She angrily snapped back at him.
“No, ma’am, I have no clue as to who or what you are,” Triant told her. From her reaction Triant thought that she must have been some sort of high royalty.
“I am Lord Veltin’s eldest daughter, Sharn. He will have you hanged for pulling a sword to my throat!” She replied, obviously still outraged. “You will have to come with me.”
“And by what means will you do that?” Triant asked Sharn jokingly, as she was trying to drag him back to the city.
“Urrrrgh!...Ummph....Rrrrgh!” Sharn grunted. After about half a minute later, she plopped on the dirt in frustration and exaustion. She was obviously in no shape to be walking from wherever she was walking from.
“Here, let me help you, m’lady,” Triant offerd his hand to her so he could help her up. Sharn took it and Triant yanked her up so she bumped into him softly.
“Excuse me! You have got to be the most rude...unpunctual....BARBARIAN I HAVE EVER SEEN!” She exclaimed, as she raced off towards the city.
“I think you shall need an escort, M’Lady! There are far, far worse things than rude, unpunctual ‘Barbarians’ on this road!” Shouted Triant at Sharn. She stopped. She appeared to be considering his request.
“No. If you went with me, my father would think I were a hostage. Here is a small reward for your ‘help’ though.” She gave Triant 50 shiny gold pieces. He looked at her, and gave her the ‘reward’ back.
“M’lady...I cannot accept this. It should really be I that pays you....for causing you this trouble. Thank you though.”
“If you say so,but no amount of flattery will get you anywhere with me! You should still be hanged.” She walked off steadily, and proudly. Triant gazed at her. Once he came to his senses again, he decided to get moving again. He set off down the road, sword in hilt and bag over the shoulder. For the next week or so, the trip was uneventful. A couple of petty thieves here and there, a wild bear or something once in a while. It seemed fairly normal.
On the 8th night of his journy, he heard a snarl, and then a bone-chilling screech after. Triant decided that it was probably just a bear and a wild dog, but when the screeches happened again and again, it worried him. He decided to get a torch and take a look. What he saw was not only disturbing, but horrifying. There were men, women, children, elderly people, seemingly slaughtered. They were stabbed, bruised, bleeding, and in the distance, Triant saw 3 spells finished casting, and 3 forms disappearing into the darkness of the night.</font>

[ 04-25-2003, 09:30 PM: Message edited by: Sir Goulum ]

Stormymystic 04-25-2003 09:37 PM

nice place, i am not very good with writing things for teachers, so i can't help you there, but here is a poem, i am writing while i type,lol so don't laugh


Last night

This morning i woke up
with tears in my eyes
and remember how you left me
and I Started to cry

Last night we fought
and made a break
what is left of my heart
you forgot to take

the words we said
broke me in two
and I thank this morning
all I wanted was you

I look at your picture
and the smiling face
of a happy time
and a wonderful place

I know today
why we had our fight
it's been over so long
but we ended it last night

Talthyr Malkaviel 04-25-2003 09:39 PM

Very nice work Nessy and Stormy.

EDIT: Hadn't nopticed all extra posts, nice writing from you too Sir Goulum.

[ 04-25-2003, 09:41 PM: Message edited by: Talthyr Malkaviel ]

Stormymystic 04-25-2003 09:55 PM

nah, it wasn't that great, i probbly coould have done better, but wha i get for being in a hurry

Lioness 04-26-2003 07:02 AM

That's fine Stormmymystic, for just coming up with it so quick. [img]smile.gif[/img] Cool.

Thanks Talthy. [img]smile.gif[/img]

Sir G: I'll read through yours when I have a bit more time later... would you like critiques or no?

Lioness 04-26-2003 10:05 AM

Quote:


<font face="TimesNewRoman" size="3" color="Orange">Triant look uneasy as he entered the city gates of the famed city of Altcar. It’s well known as ‘The City of Peace’, but has also over the years gained quite a reputation of being ‘The City of Thieves’. According to rumors heard from the Province of Helka, Triant knows that the thieves mostly take on visitors to the city; they are less aware of people around them as residents are. Nevertheless, Triant journeyed forth through the marble arch that marks the entrance to Altcar. He gazed at the beautiful shimmer it created as light shines on it.</font>

<font color="chartreuse">Watch your tenses! You switch around from past to present a lot, especially in this paragraph. Your descriptions are good and clear, but sloppy grammer takes away from that. Pick one tense and stick to it.</font>

Quote:

<font face="TimesNewRoman" size="3" color="Orange">
“Triant. The name is Triant. Good night!” He replied as he jogged away in search of an inn. He took one quick look back at at where Sir Talgin was, but he was gone. Triant stopped to survey where Talgin was, but he was nowhere in sight. Triant shrugged his shoulders and assumed that he merely ran off to catch someone pick pocketing a poor victim. As Triant neared a jolly looking inn, he stared into the sunset. The sun was dipping down into the bluffs gracefully and slowly. Judging by the season, and the suns location, Triant assumed it was nearly 8:00 in the evening. The hotel neared and, etched on the wooden sign was gracefully written:</font>

<font color="chartreuse">Here, again, it should be "Triant stopped to survey where Talgin had been..." Also, tell us *what* season it is. When creating a fantasy world, which you seem to be, make sure you locate your reader well.</font>

Quote:

<font face="TimesNewRoman" size="3" color="Orange"> Triant surveyed the outside of the place. It was quite tall, possibly 40 feet in height. The wood was quite run down looking, and some of the lower story windows were shattered or cracked. As old and rundown as it looks, it was still a nice place overall, and Triant liked the more beat up places. They didn’t attract as many pick pocketers as the ritzy inns did. As he stepped inside, the decor amazed him. It had marble counter tops with a silver binding around the edges of them. Triant assumed that, despite the poor appearance, this place was rich. Never judge a book by its cover has a new meaning thought Triant. He was abruptly shoved out of the doorway by a large man. Triant didn’t want to get into a fight so he swiftly stepped out of the way. Slowly he made his way to the counter to order a room. He hoped that they wouldn’t cost much as he was very low on money at the moment. People stared at his attire as if he were a bum walking into a palace. He almost was, but Triant didn’t mind because he was used to it. </font>
<font color="chartreuse">This paragraph describes your character more than any adjective list ever could. Make sure you keep this up - actions are the best way to show the nature of a character. Still, though, watch your tenses!</font>


I'll try and look over the second chapter a bit later. [img]smile.gif[/img] Keep posting what you have! An intriguing start.

Attalus 04-26-2003 10:26 AM

Good idea for a thread, Lioness. I'll post this, because I think that this is the best poem I've ever written:

Lilyblack's Hymn To Night

As I watch the Daystar flee away
In fear of Night's onrush
Silent upon this chaise, I lay
Amidst the jungle lush.

Now, see, He dips His crimson head,
And the weeping clouds would fly
To be with Him in realms of Day;
But, fear! The Night grows nigh!

That flower red would cling to Him;
She glows with his last beam,
As He hovers, wan, on the world's hard rim;
You could almost hear her scream:

"Don't go, don't go, my Lord of Light,
I live for only you!"
Then die, day-thing, and live again,
Amidst the morning dew.

My dagger sharp is near to me.
With poisoned blade of steel.
I'll bear it hence, when next I go,
And stab, when hate I feel.

The Shadows come! I'll dress myself,
In leather touched with lace,
To search again, o'er all this world,
For she who scarred my face.

Now, stand up, girl, shake off languor,
You've loved before, you know.
Survey the world with cold hauteur,
And vanquish every foe.

The Shadows call, I'll heed their word,
And leave this place of lust;
I'll listen low, for words scarce heard,
For find her soon, I must.

And then she'll scream, and faint, and try
To flee away from me.
But, I'll revenge, though loud she cry,
Till dead and drained she be.

The shadows call! Into the murk!
Refuge and weapon, too.
In it, I'll hide, in it I'll lurk,
For my revenge is due!

Lioness 04-26-2003 10:30 AM

Nice, Attalus! [img]smile.gif[/img] I have great admiration for anyone who can write rhyming poetry, and you did so very well, none of the rhymes seemed forced and teh syllables fell nicely.

Here's a poem I wrote a bit ago, critiques and suggestions welcome.

I guess sorry isn't enough

they made me count your syllables
and scribble "seven-ten-seven"
on the snow of your margins

they made me mar your rhyme
scrawling "A-B-C-B"
and other meaningless graffiti

on the walls your author built to shelter you
from the slash of pens
and the callous wounds of ignorant voices

I'm sorry for the scars my pencil point left
as it ripped open your skin, your heart
trying to dig out the essence of your being

which doesn't belong to me in the least
but my hand is fickle, and it listened to them
though my heart echoed your mute scream

they made me
torment
defeat
enslave
you

when all I really wanted was to submit and sink
into the rough embrace of your letters
and greet you as an equal.


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