Here's a little something to celebrate the grand opening of this forum!
A sort of continuation of the earlier threads, 'A daily laugh I&II'.

So here goes:
Once there was a couple that didn't have a lot of money because the wife didn't work; but the guy was happy with his job, and they lived a normal life and had a nice home.

One day, the man's work put on an "Exotic Pet Contest." The person who had the most exotic pet would win $5,000 dollars and an instant promotion. So the couple decided to go for it! They went to the pet store determined to win the contest.

"Hi, can I help you?" the sales person said.

"Yes, we're looking for an exotic pet," the husband said.

"Oh, I have just the thing," said the sales person. "Follow me."

They stopped in front of a bird cage. Inside was a parrot with no legs sitting on a perch.

"Why is he so exotic?" asked the husband.

"You see," said the sales person, "this bird can talk in many languages and has no legs."

"Yes, yes, I see," said the husband. "So how does he stay on the perch?"

"Well, sir, he hangs by his dick," commented the salesperson.

"Wow, this will surely win the contest!" the husband thought. So he bought the bird.

The couple ended up winning the contest. A few weeks later, the husband came home, and the parrot was unusually quiet. He shrugged it off and went upstairs to find his wife.

"Milkman came to the door... Wife took off milkman's clothes... Milkman took off wife's clothes..." the parrot said, but then it stopped.

"What?" the husband asked, and the bird said it again.

The husband was in a fit of rage at the parrot.

He reached into his cage and started shaking him and shouted, "Yes, and then what? Tell me what happened next!"

"I don't know," the parrot said. "I got hard and fell off the branch."
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It was the first day of school, and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, was entering the fourth grade.

The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said, 'Give me liberty or give me death?'"

She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.

"Now," said the teacher, "who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?'"

Again, there was no response except from Toshiba. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do."

As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper: "Damned Japanese."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.

At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Toshiba's classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed and said, "I'm gonna throw up."

The Teacher asked, "Who said that?"

Again, Toshiba raised his hand and said, "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Well suck my dick!"

Once again, it was Toshiba with the answer: "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."

That's it for now, enjoy! http://www.tgeweb.com/ironworks/cgi-...oncgi/wink.gif

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http://www.angelfire.com/anime2/baldur/vicotnik.gif Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame

One night the husband says to his wife, " Do you want to try a new position
tonight?"
The wife says, "That's a great idea! Tonight you stand by the sink and do
the dishes and I'll sit on the sofa and fart!"

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Feel My Power

You guys, damn, my stomach starting to hurt with everything else here.. LOL

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::WOLFGIR::

A couple had been married for 20 years and decided to take a vacation to the carribean to renew their vows.
They arrived at their hotel, checked in and went up to the room.
The wife told her husband to unpack while she went and cleaned up for dinner.
The husband started unpacking and came across an egg carton with three eggs in it and an envelope full of cash. He counted the cash and there was well over a thousand dollars!
He called to his wife and she came out of the bathroom. As soon as she saw the money and eggs she broke down crying.
What's wrong honey? What's with these eggs and money?
The wife, still crying, came over and sat on the edge of the bed.
Well the eggs are because I have been unfaithful and everytime I am unfaithful I put an egg in the egg carton.
The husband is shocked, but thinks that she only had three affairs in 20 years...that's not too bad....and the money? he asked
Well everytime I collected a dozen I sold them!

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http://www.bestanimations.com/fantas.../dragon-04.gif

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."


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http://www.angelfire.com/anime2/baldur/vicotnik.gif Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame
Also, meet my little familiar... http://www.angelfire.com/anime2/baldur/fnd1.gif

YES! The jokes are back! yay! http://www.tgeweb.com/ironworks/cgi-...gi/biggrin.gif

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http://www.angelfire.com/rpg/stealthy/KungFuGal.gif

WARNING SOME DIRTY JOKES AHEAD


A small guy enters an elevator and notices a huge guy standing next to him. The big guy looks down at him.
"7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown." Hearing this, the small guy faints! The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him.
"What's wrong?"
"Excuse me, but what did you say?"
"7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."
"Thank God. I thought you said, 'turn around.'"

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Two lawyers are walking down the street, when a beautiful woman walks by.
"Boy, I'd like to screw her," said one lawyer.
"I agree," said the other. "But out of what?"
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One day, a farmer walked into a bar and asked the bartender for the strongest thing in the bar.
"What's wrong, fella?" asked the bartender.
''Some things you just can't explain."
''Try me.''
"Okay. I was milking my cow this morning and I filled the bucket clear to the top. Then the dumb cow knocked it down with her left leg, so I grabbed some string and ties her left leg up. Then I milked her again and the stupid cow knocked it down with her right leg. So I grabbed some string and tied up her right leg. I then milked her again and the cow knocked it down with her tail. But this time I was out of string, so I decided to use my belt, so I tied it up with my belt. Just then my pants fell down and my wife walked in.''
"You're right," said the bartender. "Some things you just can't explain."
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A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike.
"How'd you get that, son?"
"By hiking."
"Hiking?"
"Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike."
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How do you make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex? Call her.

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[This message has been edited by Moridin (edited 03-02-2001).]

If you all want to be renderd completley helpless by laughter then I surgest you look at this... http://www.tgeweb.com/ironworks/cgi-...gi/biggrin.gif it's does take a wile to load though and you will need flash plugin for your browser. http://www.joecartoon.com/cartoons/monkey.html

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http://tobbin.tripod.com/dagger1.jpg

ok, it's Friday night and I just got home from the pub and am about to collapse in front of the compuper. Drunk that is. Computer! http://www.tgeweb.com/ironworks/cgi-...gi/biggrin.gif
So hereshsh a joke for yall:
A Frenchman, an Italian, and a Texan were discussing lovemaking.

"Last night I made love to my wife three times," boasted the Frenchman. "She was in sheer ecstasy this morning."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Texan remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted.

"What did she say to you this morning?" asked the Italian.

"Don't stop," said the Texan.

I'm gonna get anotha beer.

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http://www.angelfire.com/anime2/baldur/vicotnik.gif Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Also, meet my little familiar... http://www.angelfire.com/anime2/baldur/fnd1.gif

It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend.

"However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off.

Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water."

The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath. The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it."

The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.

Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street."

The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves.

The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks. The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so darn funny?"

The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."

<h1><font color="red">HAHAHAHAHAHA!!</font></h1>

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http://www.angelfire.com/anime2/baldur/vicotnik.gif Vicotnik, archmage of the Holy Flame - Challenge me... and die.