as you al know, my Grandmother is dying with cancer. and I have been trying to spend time with her. well today my mom tells me something my grandmother has been telling everyone that on thanksgiving she did not know we were coming out, and the kids got on her nerves. and that we made the kids eat on the floor :( I have been trying really hard to ignore everything my grandmother has sadi or done in the past to me, but I refuseto stand by and let her do the same to my kids. it really hurts that she is acting like this, I know she is looking for sympathy from others, but does she have to use me and my kids this way? she and I have never seen eye to eye, she has always prefered all the boys to me.
am I wrong for throwing up my hands and saying no more? knowing this may be the last chance to make things right? or should I keep trying knowing that I an dmy kids will get more hurt?
can anyone give advice on this?

Well it is kind of tricky. Basically your two arguments are:

1. You get out of her life and ignore all her insults. She passes away and there is possible chance you will feel guilty, but you would hope to get over it and not have it nagging at you.

2. You keep trying to put things right, you explain that what she is doing is wrong and make her understand that it is hurting you and is unacceptable, this is a kind of ultimatum. If she refuses to stop, you refuse to be with her. Simple. She should be the one feeling regret since she has done the wrong thing.

Personally, even though she has done this to you, I would try and forgive and forget and enjoy her last months/weeks with her. That way you will always know in your mind that you gave her all the love you could, and that you were friends when she died.

Afterall, 2 wrongs don't make a right [img]smile.gif[/img]

She won't be bothering you much longer, just let it happen.

I'd offer another option... you can spend time with her, but keep your kids away. As an adult, you're better equipped to deal with whatever strangeness she's going through, while your kids are not. So keep them away. If anyone asks, just tell 'em you want to be able to focus on Grandma in her last time, and the kids would keep you distracted.

Heck, anyone who's got kids knows the truth of that one!

It's rough, though, when that happens. When my grandmother was heading towards her death, I visited her in the retirement facility. She hadn't gone down for dinner, so I went down and brought it to her. She ate a couple of things, but didn't want to eat much. When one of the staff mentioned that I had gone through the effort of getting dinner for her, she snapped, "Nobody asked him to!"

Approaching the end of your life changes you in a lot of ways. Sometimes, physical and emotional changes make it even worse.

Only other thing I can do is bid you peace and comfort for yourself.

true to all you guy have said, but she has been like this my entire life, so I do not see this as being the cause for it. she is the type of woman who if she gives you anything, she thinks she owns you :( I will start trying to visit while the kids are in school I guess, because in all honesty, I do not want her to treat them the way she always treated me.

<font color=plum>I learned several years ago that you don't HAVE to associate with your family.

To make a long story short, my grandmother and aunts banded together to attack my dad over some jointly owned property. They caused him to lose his business and gave away the office he had built with his own hands to operate the business. Needless to say, it was a very difficult time for us in many ways. The real heck of it was that the aunt leading the attack was the one we had been "closest" to when I was growing up. Our families had gone on many vacations together over the years.

That was over 14 years ago now. And while the wounds have healed enough so that I am civil to my aunts when I see them - I will never consider them part of my family again. The same goes for my grandmother. I don't wish them any ill will, but I also don't wish to associate with them anymore. To me, they are no different than any other person I would meet on the street.

I don't hate them (though I did for a while), but they utterly destroyed any family bond we had with their actions.

<font color=deeppink>Stormy</font> - It sounds like you are STILL looking for approval from your grandmother - but I think you know that it is never going to come. I personally see nothing wrong with saving yourself further pain that you know you will recieve from her. You can still go to the viewing and funeral to pay your respects when the time comes.

Of course, you CAN take the "high road" and continue to visit her (without the kids) while ignoring her verbal barbs. Just ask yourself WHY you are going to visit her? Is it to finally get her approval? Or do you feel it is an obligation you have as a family member?

If it is the first, just be aware that you will probably come away even more hurt if she doesn't give you what you're looking for. If it is the second, then just ignore her crotchety remarks and visit her as you see fit.</font>

It's normal most times Stormy. When my mom was dying here at home (Hospice) she became moody and mean some days--it's the meds, because she wasn't like that before. I don't know how your Grandmother was before cancer, but try to remember she knows she is dying, and that can mess with your mind, knowing you are going to die. :(

Unfortunately I know why Stormy has given up. I hate that things have come to where they are but the things that are being said are things that have been going on since I have known her. I have to admit I dont want her to stop seeing her family or to give up on em but these hurtful things that get said are a regular rutine withing her family and not just her grandmother.

I for one am going to ensure the kids are not going to be involved in it because I am going to keep them away from it. I hate it but I guess this is the only way to keep them from being hurt at such a young age.

I am here for you stormy no matter what you decide.....I LOVE YOU.

Don't give up Stormy. Your grandmother may be a pain in the arse but hey... you are doing things to make it right. Don't give up on that. At least you KNOW, deep down inside, that you did your best, and if she didn't appreciate it, that's her problem.

problem is, like Cerek said, I tend to seek their approval. I never got it growing up, from anyone, and now I want them to love me. sadly, I know this will not happen, but I do want to make things right before she dies :( I just don't want my kids to be hurt in the process.