I've recently compiled a list of the best quotes from a book I have called Foolish Words by Laura Ward. Most of them are pretty funny.


'You mean like a book?' - Justin Timberlake when asked what the best thing he'd read all year was.

'I would not live forever, because we should not live forecer, because if we were suupposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever' - Miss Alabama from the Miss USA Contest('94) when asked if you could live forever, would you and why.

'So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year' - Christina Augilera

'China is a big country inhabited by many Chinese' - Charles de Gaulle, former French President

'It's time for the human race to enter the solar system' - Dan Quayle speaking of a manned mission to mars

'I have determined that there is no market for talking pictures' - Thomas Edison, 1934

'Its like deja vu all over again' - Yogi Berra

'It is wonderful to be back here in the great state of Chicago!' - Dan Quayle

'I get to go to a lot of famous places like Canada.' - Britney Spears on the good bits of being famous

'The single most important 2 things we can do...' - Tony Blair

'Education is my top priority. However, education is not my top priority' - George W. Bush

'Its clearly a budget. Its got a lot of numbers in it' - George W. Bush

'No, I eat 3 square meals a day' - George W. Bush when asked if he was dyslexic

'The American peoples expectations are that we will fail. Our mission is to exceed their expectations' -George W. Bush

'For NASA, space is still a high priority' - Dan Quayle, 1990

'Were you present when your picture was being taken?' - Attorney's question to a witness.

'How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?' - Question to a witness in a courtroom

'The lead car is absolutely unique- except for the car behind, which is identical' - Murray Walker, motorsports commentator

'Interviewer: "Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?"
Chris Eubank (Boxer): "On what?"'

'It was the fasters-ever swim over that distance on American soil.' - Greg Phillips

'The Primate is the wife of the Prime Minister' - Schoolroom blunder, 1930's

'To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose' - From a science exam answer

'We don't think The Beatles will do anything in this market' - Jay Livingston, head of America's Capitol Records, 1964

'You are now going to hear the bum of the flightelbee' - Stuart Hibberd, radio announcer

'Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly' - Notice on a Batman Costume

'Optional Modem required' - Notice on a computor software package

'People can have the model T in any color....so long as its black' Henry Ford

'Dear Rich Bastard...' - Employee's choice of 'example addressee' field when setting up a template for letters destined for wealthy clients of a....large bank.

'Do not look into laser with remaining eye' - Warning notice on a laser-pointer device

'Gaeity is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union' - Josef Stalin, 1935

i heard another one like this
"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
- Britney Spears, Pop Singer

and some more

"They misunderestimated me!" -George W. Bush"

"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
- Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President

"The only reason we're 7-0 is because we've won all seven of our games."
- David Garcia, baseball team manager

"I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them."
- George Bush, former U.S. President

"It is white."
- George W. Bush, when asked what the White house was like by a student in East London

ROFL! I have trouble believing that all the George Bush and Dan Quayle ones are true! Are they really? Also, some of those were MEANT to be a joke like the Henry Ford one!

Finally, I've heard the lawyer ones before, here are a few more. All supposedly actually occurred, of course taken out of context here:

Lawyer: How many children did she have?
Witness: 3
Lawyer: How many were boys?
Witness: none
Lawyer: Were there any girls?


Lawyer: And the date of conception of your baby was March 10th?
Witness: yes
Lawyer: And what were you doing at this time?

Lawyer: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Doctor: All my autopsies were performed on dead people.

Laywer: And you are sure Mr. Denington was dead at the time you started the autopsy?
Doctor: No, he was sitting on the bed wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Lawyer: And you are sure Mr. Smith was dead at the time of the autopsy?
Doctor: yes
Lawyer: How can you be sure?
D: There was no pulse or breathing and the body was cold.
L: But could he not have been alive nevertheless?
D: No, his heart had stopped beating hours ago.
L: But he could possible have still been alive?
D: No his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.
L: And there is no chance that he could have been alive?
D: Well I suppose there is a chance he could be alive and practicing law somewhere.

Lawyer: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

Lawyer: How many times have you commited suicide?

Lawyer: Did he kill you?

Lawyer: Could you please described the individual?
Witness: Yes, he was about 5'10" and had a beard.
Lawyer: Waw this a man or a woman?

Lawyer: You were there until the time you left, is this true?

[ 02-04-2004, 09:42 PM: Message edited by: Vaskez ]

OMG!! THIS IS HILARIOUS!! GOOD ONE VASKEZ! [img]graemlins/laugh.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/laugh.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/laugh.gif[/img]

the best ones are

Lawyer: You were there until the time you left, is this true?

Lawyer: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

Lawyer: How many times have you commited suicide?

Lawyer: Did he kill you?

[ 02-04-2004, 09:48 PM: Message edited by: The Fallen One ]

LOL! I also enjoy some of the Prince Charles (I think) ones

'I declare this thing open, whatever it is'- Prince Charles at the opening of the Vancouver City Hall [img]tongue.gif[/img]

Oldies but goodies, all of them.
Can I just state how much I love language?
Ah, good times...

hehe :D

My favourite quote of all time is one is from an English soccer commentator. David Seaman of the England squad had played a brilliant match, and the commentator picked up on this and said into his microphone the following day:

"And Seaman's on everyone's lips this morning... " :D

<font color=lime>You guys have made my nite! [img]graemlins/awesomework.gif[/img] </font>

Hungarian commentator at one of the olimpic games(my translation):
"And there comes the hungarian flag, the first color is red, the second white, and I can't see the third one.