Ironworks Gaming Forum - another copied post

Author: high <h@h.com>
Date: 3/3/01 2:01:00 PM
Subject: elminster v raistlin

i thought this was pretty funny. and why not break up the monotony of talking about the game

Hello there folks, I'm Nick Diamond."
"And I'm Johny Gomez, and this is"
C E L E B R I T Y D E A T H M A T C H

Nick:
We have an interesting card tonight..

Johnny
That we do Nick. Two of the most famous, popular and powerful wizards
from the world's of D&D have come to settle once and for all who's the
baddest of the bad in the spell flinging world.

Nick
That's right Johnny. Man I can't wait to see this one. Fans of
Dragonlance and the Forgotten Realms have been chomping at the bit for years
to see who would come out on top in this one, and they've come out in
force...

[Camera cuts to the audience, a bunch of FR fans are chanting Elminster...
On the opposite side, a bunch of DL fans root for Raistlin]

Johnny
Man, they sure are pumped. Now lets go to Stacey Cornfed down in the
Locker Room with Elminster

[Stacey is at the door of Elminster's Locker room. She knocks.]

Voice:
Go away, Elminster is not here

Stacey:
I was told he would be.. Can I come in

Voice:
No!

Stacey
Please?

Lhaeo opens the door, adjust his glasses
I said no. He can't be bothered right now.

Stacey
Ooh.. It's Elminster's famous scribe, Lhaeo. Tell us, Mr Lhaeo, if you
could, about Elminster's training regimen for this evening.

Lhaeo slams the door in her face

Stacey
Well, I never!

[Back to Nick Diamond and Johnny Gomez]

Nick
That Elminster was never known for suffering guests.

Johnny
That's true, but he just set a new record for rudeness to our favorite
color journalist, Stacey.

[Lights go down on the ring.]

Johnny
Ah, and now the moment you've been waiting for.. In this corner, from
parts unknown of the world of Krynn.. The hourglassed eyed wonder-elf of the
ages, Raistlin Majere

[Raistlin is sitting on a chair reading a book, with no apparent concern for
the situation]

Nick
Never seen anyone that calm.. He cold freeze the ring with his cool.

Johnny
And in this corner, The infamous powerhouse of Toril, Mystra's chosen
and all around do-gooder, Elminster.

[Elminster appears using his worldwalk spell. Seems a bit more pugnacious
and ready to rumble than Raistlin.]

Nick
Boy, I really wouldn't want to be on his badside..

Johnny
And now for our special guest referee..

[Masked figure in robes steps into the center spotlight. There is a hush.
The mask is taken off, and it is..

Nick
Why, It's Gandalf!

Johnny
That it is Nick!

Elminster stomps to the center of the ring
That's it.. Now I've me chance, I am sick and tired and fed up with
always bein' compared witht the likes of you!!

[Gandalf looks at him funny. Raistlin ignores both of them and continues
reading a book in the corner]

Gandalf
Raistlin, it's time to start.

[Raistlin yawns. While Gandalf's back is turned to him, Elminster clobbers
him with a huge lightning bolt from behind, vaporizing him. Raistlin
eyeballs the spectacle]

Elminster
Yes! YES! I always knew I was the most powerful, I MUST ALWAYS BE most
powerful.. Mwa ha hah ha!!

Raistlin
Whatever

[Elminster shoots off another bolt, Raistlin sidesteps it and replies..
Ensuing melee has misses that take out vast swathes of audience.]

Nick
Boy what a show

Johnny
Yes sir. Have you ever seen any two wizards cast as many spells in as
little time.

Nick
No Johnny.. Reminds me of Paris on the New Years spectacle a couple of
months ago..

Johnny
Yeah, it's a regular 4th of July down there

[One of Raistlin's missed bolts passes into the audience and blows Volo's
head clean off. Elminster pauses]

Elminster
Thanks man. I've wanted to do that for quite a while, but never had the
heart.

Raistlin
Don't [kicks him in the groin] mention it.

Nick
Now they must be running low on spells.. Taking to the old rough and
tumble

Johnny
Yes they are

[Suddenly, from out of the lights, a beam lashes out and vaporizes
Raistlin... Elminster looks up, then gets vaporized by another beam.]

Nick & Johnny
What the??

[A figure floats down to the center of the audience.]

Johnny
Who the?

Nick
Why, it's Merlin. Old Merlin.. I was wondering when he'd finally wake
up and do something after all these years.

Merlin looks around, sneers...
Pretenders.

Nick
Well, it looks like we have a winner

Johnny
That we do Nick... The original himself, and still champion wizard of
all time, Merlin.

Nick
That's all we have tonight folks.. Stay tuned next week when we pit the
Balrog against the Tarrasque

Johnny
But for now this is Celebrity Deathmatch

Nick
I'm Nick Diamond

Johnny
And I'm Johnny Gomez saying Good Fight, Good Night...