hey lioness, i would welcome your thoughts on my poem, sorry i did not say that,lol i am always open to advice on if my poems are up to par, to dark to light,lol course my fav poet is edgar Alan Poe, so i guess they are always dark....but here is the very first poem i wrote,kind of a lost love poem, tell me what you think

Lonely cries

Each night I go to bed
I start to dream of you
From the day we first met
to the day you said we're through

You are always in my memory
you'realways in my mind
I will always remember
The way you were so kind

Please remember me
for I will never forget you
all these lonely cries
are all I can ever do

I know i've said it once
and I will say it again
I will loveyou forever
until the very end

...............................this poem was written when I was 11 years old, so it kind of wanders the point alittle, but it was the very first time i had everhad a boyfriend,lol

Oh! This little, growing ember!
Thought on thought, an endless number!
If naught else lives, please remember,
"Floor is not just made of lumber."

Sorry, oh furry one, but I had to write that, for my own twisted amusement. [img]tongue.gif[/img]

LOL! :D Much appreciated.


Stormy: very impressive for 11! [img]smile.gif[/img]

This stanza's a bit more awkward than the first one, which flows very nicely. Your syllable amounts are bigger in the first and third lines - I'd suggest "you're in my memory" and "I'll always remember". Nice otherwise.

thanks, i had never thought of that, but it does sound better that way, like i said i was still a child,lol but i will revise it [img]smile.gif[/img]

Sir G: the rest looks pretty good. [img]smile.gif[/img] Some general advice I would impart is that you have a lot of interesting encounters here, but make sure they tie in throughout the entire plot.

well spin us up a world
then
with shining lights
and cloudy heights
with singing spires
and darkest dires

where darkest dread
runs wild and red
where forests burn
at midnights turn

send angels there
with wings of blue
feathers it's true!
and a savior stare

to save the land
send darkness back
send nightmare reeling
feeling feeling feeling feeling

where we can rest
in grassy valley
on grassy planet
on grassy then
spin us up a world

whoo! Djinn! *LIKES!* :D Of course, I expect no less from you. veryyyyy nice imagery there, and it just kind of struck a chord for me I guess. For some reason it made me think of the Terry Pratchett quote regarding Earth vs. Discworld. "You call that a world? This is a world."

Eisenshwarz - veeeery interesting idea. You incorporated the reality nicely toward the end there, very intriguing. [img]smile.gif[/img]

well, besides that it should be "know" in the last line, [img]tongue.gif[/img] These stanzas work fairly well. I'm not a big fan of the three-line stanza, especially in rhyming pieces, but that's a personal bias - you fit it fine.

I'd get rid of "Cos" it throws off the rhythm. YOu might want to rethink the amount of pronouns you have (that, a, them) but that may mess up your structure. Whichever way. [img]smile.gif[/img] Thanks for sharing.

[ 04-27-2003, 09:04 PM: Message edited by: Lioness ]

_____ ThEm3 FoR 0m/\/Ip0t3n__ _|_
_____________________________|
_____________________________|


_________D3
_____Sper
_________4t

________D3
_________4nged

__________Talk1ng
________in my
____________Sl33p
__________again...
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _3yes Tw1tch...
_ret4in...
_______________a sent4mental....
_someth1ng...

Beg me for ignorance...
your heart beating so easily...
Wish to lose your visions...
And experience fatality...

________________ Pest1lence
_____Pr0sess
_________what you wish
____________Is just what you get
___our hearts beat...
++++++++++++++++POSITIVE++++++++
Provided...

________________This...

____PROGRESS

ignorance... does insist...
To place you on a black list...

People try... to deny...

They f1nd they los3

_____________the1r

m1nd...


________________ avoid

_____ addictivley

______________ Insist that:

<font size="+1"> nothing happened</font>

Life bloodless...

Libery...

The Wind...

__________Drifts away...

______________________Disgarted Memory!

__________to you I am your ...

________________________Break d0wn

4mid the mixtur3s..

Avoid...

addictivley...

Obsess with

Near

romances...

_____________________ Comfort is

<font size="+1">Trechery</font>

Found and nailed in tight
I'm screaming out of sight
Against a grain like curtain
unbearably alive...

U N B E A R A B L Y A L I V E

you'll never...

be

the one

_____________________ can't you see...

To rule new heaven

new earth...

______________________ New galaxy...

that right belongs...

to me...

*pans on to omnipotent logo*

aaaaaaaah! L33t! [img]graemlins/crying.gif[/img]

What I could read of that looked interesting, though. [img]smile.gif[/img]