Ironworks Gaming Forum - Al-Qaeda Garden Gnomes! (It is joke, infidel!)

People are always saying "Al-Qaeda's gonna attack with WMDs" when in fact it doesn't seem true, so says captured Al-Qaeda guy, Ahmed Abdullah Tirik Azizi Mozarti Al-Sohali. While over in Iran, some information was beaten out of him.

Whackmiester: What tactic is Al-Qaeda planning to use next!?

Ahmed: We are planning to make close to one million Garden Gnomes to fight the Infidel.

One Million Garden Gnomes. That doesn't look like much until you look at it like this: ONE MILLION GARDEN GNOMES!! Yes, an army of infernal Garden Gnomes with Biological Agents in their pants, sold at yard sales by sleeper cells. When kicked, someone will have Bio-agents on their feet.

Whackmiester: Where are all these Garden Gnomes stocked?

Ahmed: Do you think I would tell you? F*** you, infidel!

It was obvious he wasn't going to tell me so easily, so I had to go midievil on his ass...

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So I had to dump a bag full of bricks on top of his head.

Whackmeister: Now will you tell me where they are stocked?

Ahmed: Go to hell, Infidel Dog!

Still no answer. So I stuffed him into a room and barricaded the door going out. I told him this was his last chance to tell me where the Anti North American Gnomes were being stocked, but he just gave me the middle finger.

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So I let my dog out and it chewed up Ahmed so badly that when I pulled him out, I couldn't recognize him...and neither could his own mother.

Whackmiester: Now will you tell me?

Ahmed: I will take it to the grave with me.

This was starting to piss me off. I was creative with what I was gonna do to the little sh**head next. I grabbed some duct tape and took him down to the cemetery where I conked him on the head and duct-taped him to the cemetery wall.

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Then I worked my Necromancy. He almost didn't survive the night. I kicked him in the nads and pried him off the wall.

Whackmeister: Now will you tell me?

Ahmed: Kiss my ass!

This was getting me mad. But then I told Bruno, my assistant, to hold him to the chair until I got back. I ate 50 cans of beans. I went back to the room and stuck out my butt at Ahmed. Still, he wouldn't tell me, so I let him have it!

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That's not what happened! When I farted, it blew a hole in the wall of the prison. A bunch of Al-Qaeda guys tried to escape but they were shot. As for good ol' Ahmed, he was jammed into a wall. A reminder as to not mess with my butt!

Whackmiester: Now will you tell me?

Ahmed: Screw you, infidel!

That was it! I did not want to have to go overboard, but I had to. The fate of the free world rested on my shouldrs. No more Mr. Nice Guy! I was gonna make this guy wish he was dead. No body messes with the free people of earth. So I did the unthinkable:

I duct taped him to a chair,

tied him to the chair with barbed wire

brought a massive Audio Entertainment System in the room,

Adjusted the volume to it's maximum level,

inserted five Celine Dione CDS in each CD slot,

set the controls to repeat the whole thing over and over again,

Put some earmuffs on myself,

hit the play button,

ran out the door,

locked the door,

and watched him suffer through the whole thing.

Not even his horrid wailing could cover up the horrors of the Celine Dione CDs. Finally, amidst the endless screaming and babble, I got a few words from him: "My Parent's Basement" and "Toronto." So it was obvious, Ahmed was keeping the biological Garden Gnomes in his parent's basement in Toronto.

Mozartti (the Iranian Dictator Guy) thanked me for finding a new torture method and gave me a quarter. Woo Hoo!! As for the Al-Qaeda Garden Gnomes, they're toast! No one will have to worry about Bio-Agents for a while.

[ 09-21-2003, 02:12 PM: Message edited by: The Whackmiester ]