Joke World 10-1
 

PUN ALERT!!!!



A Head Goes to a Bar

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.

Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

Re: Joke World 10-1
 

A rabbit and a snake, both blind from birth, happen to meet in the forest one day. They get to talking and the rabbit asks the snake, "Would you mind running your hands (not knowing what a snake looks like) over my body and telling me what kind of an animal I am? I'm too embarrassed to ask my near-sighted friends because I'm afraid they'll make fun of me."

The snake says, "Okay," and proceeds to wind himself around the rabbit from one end to the other, then back again. "Well," the snake says, "You're kind of warm with real soft fur and you have two very long, fury ears."

The rabbit thinks about that for a moment and then exclaims, "W O W! I must be a bunny!" and he hops around and hops around and starts hopping away.

"Wait!" shouts the snake, "What about me? Come back here and do the same thing for me!"

The rabbit hops over and with his fury little paws, pats the snake from one end to the other and then back again. He sits down without saying a word.

"Well?" asks the snake, "What kind of animal an I?"

"I'm not really sure," says the rabbit. "You're kind of cold and slimy, and for the life of me, I can't tell your head from your ass."

The snake thinks and thinks about this, then exclaims, "W O W! I must be an attorney!"

Re: Joke World 10-1
 

As reported by slashdot.org and lots of other places, IBM has filed for US patents for inventions covering outsourcing of services to "countries where cheaper labor prices and/or cheaper materials are available."
The announcement was made by V. J. Krishnamurthy of IBM Bombay.

Re: Joke World 10-1
 

A little long...

Long ago in a Polish town there lived a wise Rabbi. One night a peddler came to the Rabbi's house. "Rabbi," he said, "I am going to kill myself!"

"Heaven, forbid!" cried the Rabbi, "What could make you have such a sinful thought?"

"Is it better than I should starve to death! Today my horse died and without a horse I cannot earn my living!"

"Look," said the Rabbi, "the Holy One, Blessed be He, will provide for you. Tonight, at midnight, meet me at the stable of the Count." The peddler had no idea what the Rabbi could mean, but obediently he arrived at the Count's stables at 12 o'clock sharp. The Rabbi took him to one of the stalls and told him to take the beautiful white stallion standing there.

"Oy, vay!" said the peddler, "I can't do this, the Count will have me hanged!"

"Don't worry," the Rabbi assured him, "take the horse and go in peace." Since in those days one did not disobey a Rabbi, the peddler did as he was told.

When he had gone the Rabbi lay down in the stall and went to sleep. The next morning the Count arrived with his groom and seeing the man asleep on the floor, kicked him and cried: "Hey you, who are you, what are you doing here, where is my horse?!"

The Rabbi sat up and rubbed his eyes. Then he jumped to his feet and raised his hands to the sky and cried: "Thanks be to God, creator of the Universe!"

"What's this, what's this," cried the Count,"what is going on, who are you, where is my horse??!"

"Don't you understand?" said the Rabbi, "I was your horse! I used to be a famous scholar. But one night I succumbed to the Evil Impulse and went to a prostitute. In punishment the Holy One turned me into your horse. But in my misery I repented and prayed for forgiveness. Finally my prayers were heard and I have been changed back into a human being. Thanks be to God, creator of the Universe!"

Now the Count was a devout man and a respecter of miracles and so he also cried, "Thanks be to God, creator of the Universe!" and let the Rabbi go.

Several weeks later the Count was riding through the town. Suddenly he spied the peddler leading his beautiful white stallion. He leaped from his carriage and ran to the beast, struck him brutally on the rear end with his riding crop and shrieked: "Scoundrel! Ingrate! Going to prostitutes again??!!"

Re: Joke World 10-1
 

The first one was GOLD :D

Re: Joke World 10-1
 

And now, fear the awesome might of the Band Jokes!


And last but not least....

Re: Joke World 10-1
 

Oldie....

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale , Arizona :

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.

3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.

8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE.

NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, & TEE OFF.

Re: Joke World 10-1
 

According to the Jewish calendar, the year is 5768. According to the Chinese calendar, the year is 4702.
That means that for 1,063 years the Jewish people went without Chinese food.

These were known as the Dark Ages.

Re: Joke World 10-1
 

was sitting behind a car at a stop light the other day and I noticed that it had a bumper sticker that read "Honk if you love Jesus." So I thought about it a bit, and since I loved Jesus, I honked my horn.

I was very surprised when the driver of the car got out and yelled, "The light is still red, you asshole!" got back in the car and drove off through the light which had just turned green.

Re: Joke World 10-1
 

While we're on this subject:

A letter from Grandma

Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes...

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"...

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing...why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Grandma

Re: Joke World 10-1
 

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year- old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age," Bob replies "What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

Re: Joke World 10-1
 

The recent passing of U.S. Congressman Claude Pepper brings to mind a story that has circulated in political circles for years.

The year was 1950. Pepper, locked in a bitter race to retain his U.S Senate seat, faced a worthy opponent in then-Congressman George Smathers.

"Are you aware," Smathers is said to have bellowed in his stumpings through the North Florida pinelands, "that Claude Pepper is known all over Washington as a shameless extrovert?"

"Not only that, but this man is reliably reported to practice nepotism with his sister-in-law, and he has a sister who was once a thesbian in wicked New York. Worst of all, it is an established fact that Mr. Pepper, before his marriage, practiced celibacy."

"And are you aware that Claude Pepper vacillated one night on the Senate floor?"

Pepper lost the race, but went on a few years later to distinguished service in the House. Smathers retired from the Senate in 1971, vigorously denying the story till the end--but nonetheless acknowledging in Florida House Clerk Allen Morris' book `Reconsiderations,' (1982) that the tale has by now "gone into the history books."

Re: Joke World 10-1
 

Oldie!!

A wealthy young man's parents told him he must be married by his 25th birthday, in order to fulfill the terms of their joint will and get the money. This was a bit of a dilemma to him because he was dating three lovely young ladies and couldn't decide.

As he had only one month, he came up with a plan. He gave each woman $5,000 and told her she had a month to spend it. And, she could spend it any way she wanted.

After the month he met with each.

The first one said, "Well you know I love to shop, so I spent all of it on clothes!" "Fair enough," he replied, and took note of her decision.

The second young woman said, "I think it's better to give than receive, so I gave all of my money to the United Way!" "Okay," said the young squire (noting to himself that she must work for Digital).

Number three said, "You know I have a mind for saving, so I invested it in 9 3/4% zero coupon treasury bonds!" "Interesting," replied the gentleman, taking note of her keen financial acumen.

So, which one did he choose?

The one with big tits, of course!

Re: Joke World 10-1
 

An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained.

"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

Re: Joke World 10-1
 

A man buys a parrot, but after several weeks of trying, is unable to get it to speak a single word. In desperation he takes the bird to a vet for advice.

The vet tells him that the parrot has too long of a beak to speak, but that he could file it down for $100. The parrot's owner thought that this was rather expensive. The vet tells him that it is a very delicate procedure. If he does not file enough, the bird still wont be able to talk, but if he files too much, the bird will drown while drinking his water.

The man decides to think it over and leaves with the parrot. Several weeks later, the vet happens to meet the parrot owner who is looking rather down. He inquires about the parrot. The man replies that his parrot is dead.

"Did you try to file his beak?" asked the vet. The man nods his head.

"And he drowned while trying to drink his water, right?"

"No," replied the parrot's owner, "he was dead when I took his head out of the vise."

Re: Joke World 10-1
 

(From the Winchendon Observer, 19 December 1988)

12 Year Old Guinness Record Holder Dead

(AP) December 18, 1988 - Streetly, England - Mario Morby, a 12 year old record holder in the "Guinness Book of World Records," was killed yesterday when he asphyxiated under the weight of hundreds of thousands of postcards that accidentally toppled on him. Morby, a cancer patient currently in remission, collected the postcards from supporters all over the world who took sympathy on his condition. The bulk of Morby's collection, estimated at over 2 million with 30,000 arriving daily, was turned over to an auction house for disposal. Morby had retained about 500,000 of the nicer ones.

Florida Child's Wish Come True, Inc. publicized Mario's wish for postcards. "Had we realized the trouble that we caused, we would have never gotten involved," said Frances Keefe, the founder of the Spring Hill, Florida organization that specializes in satisfying the last wishes of dying children. They used the pseudonym "David" when requesting postcards on Morby's behalf. "It makes us heartsick," Keefe continued, "to realize that we have contributed to this gentle child's death. He was in remission, and his spirits were up. Those postcards were his life."

Morby's body was discovered by the family dog, who notified the district constable. Foul play is not suspected.

Ross McWhirter, author of the "Guinness Book of World Records," said in a prepared statement that "it is ironic that Morby's record has been overshadowed by that of another boy named 'David' who is dying of leukemia. In tribute to Morby, however, we have decided to enter him in a new category in the mid-year 1989 update edition: `Most Senseless Death.'"

Contributions in Morby's memory may be made to Florida Child's Wish Come True, Inc., P.O. Box 5997, Spring Hill, FL, USA.

Re: Joke World 10-1
 

This lady was late for work, so she was driving a little fast. Coming over the bridge she notices a cop with his radar gun. Knowing she was caught, she pulled over. The cop came to the door and asked, What's your hurry ma'am? Well, I am late for work. she replies, And what is it that you do? Well She says. I am a rectum stretcher. A what? he says, Yeah a rectum stretcher, we slowly stretch rectums up to about six feet around. And what do you do with a six asshole, he asks, in which she replies, you give it a badge and a radar gun!

Speeding ticket $150.00
Money lost for work $50.00
Look on cops face, priceless!

Re: Joke World 10-1
 

So a pirate walks into a bar, and the bartender notices he has a Steering Wheel in his pants. So the bar tender asks, "Hey, you have a Steering Wheel in your pants; Doesn't it hurt?"

The pirate responds: "Argh, it's drivin' me nuts!

Re: Joke World 10-1
 

A young nun was hurrying to church and took a short-cut through the forest. To her surprise, a man jumped out of the bushes and grabbed her and asked, "Where do you think you're going, young lady?"
She said, "To my confession at the church!"

He proceeded to throw her to the ground, rip off her clothes and have his way with her.

Satisfied, he said, "Well, what are you going to confess now?"

She said, "I'm going to tell the Father that I was grabbed, thrown to the ground, and ravished--twice! That is, unless you're too tired."

Re: Joke World 10-1
 

This is a must read!

An amazing elephant story...

Sometimes I think these stories are silly but this one is truly amazing.

In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly!

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Re: Joke World 10-1
 

During a particularly wet winter, flood waters rise so high in one town that the national guard evacuates all the residents. One man stays behind, however, and when the water is waist-high, two national guardsmen in a boat motor past his house, checking for people left behind.

"We're evacuating the town because of the flood! Jump in the boat and we'll carry you to safety!"

But the man says, "No, don't bother; I've led a pious life, and the Lord will save me."

The men in the boat shrug their shoulders and motor away. Later, when the water level has driven the man onto his roof, another boat appears.

"Haven't you heard the town has been evacuated? Come on, we'll save you!"

But the man sends them away again, saying "No, no, the Lord will save me!"

The water level keeps rising until the man is standing on his chimney and barely keeping his head above water, and a helicopter, doing a final check, appears overhead. It drops a rope, and the loudspeaker says, "Grab the rope and we'll bring you to safety!"

But the man waves the helicopter away, once again saying, "No, the Lord will save me!"

But the water level keeps rising, and he drowns.

When he gets to heaven, he is completely bewildered. He asks God, "God, why didn't you save me?"

And God says, "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter."

Re: Joke World 10-1
 

Urban Legend?

Suite Revenge

Phone won't stop ringing? Here's what you do...

Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it.

The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.

From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number.

Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery.

The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands.

At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leoloa said, "No problem. How many nights?"

A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."

The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.

She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch the O.J. Simpson trial, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June.

Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up.

Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recomend that the client tips the drivers."

Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area. People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.

Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel."

Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number."

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Sorry, Arvon. Great story but Snopes says it ain't true...

Re: Joke World 10-1
 

See the first line...


http://www.sofrayt.com/survey/bonus/dancing11.gif

Re: Joke World 10-1
 

PG17!!!!



Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh... she got fired too."

Re: Joke World 10-1
 

Little Boy: What will communism be like when perfected?
His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.

LB: But what if there is a shortage of meat?

HF: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat today."



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Deng Xiaoping tells Gorbachev that three demands must be met before relations can improve. First, China wants 100 million tons of coal. "Agreed," says Gorbachev. And 20 new ships. "Done," says Gorbachev. And a million bicycles. "Impossible," says Gorbachev. "But why?" asks Deng. "Because," says Gorbachev, "the Poles don't make bicycles."



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Khrushchev says to Zhou Enlai, "The difference between the Soviet Union and China is that I rose to power from the peasant class, whereas you came from the privileged Mandarin class." Zhou replies, "True. But there is this similarity. Each of us is a traitor to his class."