The doctor said, "Jim, the good news is I can cure your headaches the

bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition,

which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates

one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the

testicles."



Jim was shocked & depressed. Wondering if he had anything to live for. He

couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice

but to go under the knife. When he left the hosp. he was without a headache

for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part

of himself.



As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.

He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing

store & thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop & told

the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let'

see...size 44 long." Jim laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the

business 60 yrs." Jim tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Jim admired himself in the

mirror,the salesman asked, "How bout a new shirt?" Jim thought for a moment and

then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Jim and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2

neck." Jim was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business

60 yrs." Jim tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.



As Jim adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Jim was on a roll & said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Jim's feet and said, "Let's see...

9-1/2E.." Jim was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business

60 years!" Jim tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly! Jim walked comfortably around

the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Jim thought for

a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Jim's waist and said,

"Let's see ... size 36."



Jim laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old" The salesman

shook his head, "You can't wear a size 32. A 32 underwear would press your testicles up

against the base of your spine & give you one hell of a headache."

Oh, dear GOD [img]graemlins/verysad.gif[/img]

ugh not sure if i should even laugh [img]tongue.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/hehe.gif[/img]

Ouuuuuuuccch.

He should have gotten a second opinion. :D

There's a problem with medicine insigtfully highlighted by this joke, you know. [img]graemlins/readingbook.gif[/img]

Reminds me of another one....

PG13
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This guy stutters real bad. So he goes to see a doctor.
After analysis the doctor says "you have a rare condition. Your penis is so large it actually puts too much pressure on your vocal vords causing you to stutter. the only solution is to have a transplant and replace it with a smaller one.

The person reluctantly agrees. But after the operation he discovers his life is ruined. he can no longer please his wife, so she dumps him.

he goes back to the doctor and says: "Actually I would like to have another transplant to have my original penis back" and the doctor replies "I I I am afr-r-raid that-t-t is n-n-not pos-s-sibl-l-le"

Good joke. [img]graemlins/hehe.gif[/img]

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.


"Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.


I love mustard.


I had no napkin.


I licked it off.


It was not mustard.

GROOOOOSSSSSS! Ewwww! *blech*

That last joke was just nasty, Morgeraut. [img]tongue.gif[/img]

I'm assuming only a parent finds that last one funny. ;)

It's one of those things that is never funny when it happens to you, but you can sit back and laugh about it later.

Oh...I laughed...in a "sick and twisted" kinda way. Mostly 'cause I *am* sick and twisted. [img]tongue.gif[/img]

But still...ewwwwwww!

;)

lol, ok then, for bonus points can you guess the brand of mustard it was? (the real mustard)

Grey Poupon

Get it? Poop on!

[img]tongue.gif[/img]

[ 06-23-2005, 03:37 PM: Message edited by: Lady Sedai ]

Here is one, in the same line as the first two... probably old... [img]smile.gif[/img]


Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" "I kicked her in the face."

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings.

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that brunette sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to billigerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bears says, "I'm NOT on DRUGS."


You're gonna love this.......


The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

=======================================
What about the bartender that wouldn't serve the snake a beer? Why? Couldn't hold his liquor.

Lol! That's gross. [img]tongue.gif[/img]

French Mustard?

Were you serioulsy talking from experience there Morgie? :eek:

Nah... I read the joke before and saw it in several other places.

A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 mph for it to start.

She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off.

I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.

A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 30 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions.....