A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby
in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the
lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed
that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
*****************************************
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
****************************************
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he
had died of a "massive internal fart."
Dr! . Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
*******************************
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity
test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began,
"Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line
perfectly. left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested.
There was silence. He couldn't even read the large letter on the top
line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had
asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was
laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
************************************
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble
with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The
nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running
out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered
what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the
man! had over fifty patches on his body! Since incident, the
instructions now include removal of the old patch before applying a
new one. Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
***********************************
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How
long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she
answered "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was
alive," Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
************************************
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your
breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky
Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I
then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet
labeled "KY Jelly."
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
****************************************
And Finally . . . . . A new, young MD when doing his residency in OB,
was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his
embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling. The
middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst
out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work
and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No
doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar
Meyer Wiener."
***************************************
Colonoscopy humor: A physician claims these are actual comments from
his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone
before."

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the
Hokey Pokey...."

9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

10."If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is
not, in fact, up there?"
***********************

lol [img]graemlins/biglaugh.gif[/img] they were funny
[img]graemlins/hehe.gif[/img]
only one i didn't get "KY Jelly"? [img]graemlins/saywhat.gif[/img]

Yea, that was great [img]graemlins/laugh3.gif[/img] :D

Don't worry Intrepid, I'm from Kentucky and I still didn't get that one [img]tongue.gif[/img]

Good collection of jokes. [img]graemlins/laugh2.gif[/img]

FYI, "KY Jelly" is an artificial non-petroleum based lubricant, mainly used for application onto sexual organs (or onto condoms) before intercourse.

ok lol [img]tongue.gif[/img]
I also like the one also err... intresting observation about your avitar
[ 11-18-2003, 02:34 AM: Message edited by: Intrepid ]

<font color=lime>Great stuff there! [img]graemlins/awesomework.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/hehe.gif[/img]

The K-Y one reminded of a childhood memory of my mother accidently brushing her teeth with Ben-Gay. It is a muscle rub compound for achy or pulled muscles. She was half asleep and the Ben-Gay tube being shaped just like toothpaste, well there ya go. I was about 11 years old and I dont think I stoped laughing for a month. Me and dad still bring it up at get-togethers. Ya, I know its mean, but hey, it just too funny. [img]graemlins/hehe.gif[/img] </font>

Well, I was going to put: Look, I am pooping on the floor. But I figured that Ziroc wouldn't find it amusing that members took the liberty to "desecrate" his choosen avatars. [img]graemlins/hehe.gif[/img]

About the only Ben-Gay story I know came from a high school friend of mine. He was babysitting his nephew, and accidentally walked in on the nephew, in the bathroom, ah, "enjoying the pleasure of his own company". Randy apologized for walking in on him, and was even nice(?) enough to suggest the kid try it with Ben-Gay, 'cause it's got a smooth texture, and warms up when you put it on. Then he stepped out, and waited for the screaming to start...

Hmmm, maybe, if we ask *real nice*, Cerek will share his Ben-Gay stories with us. He's told me a couple that made me laugh 'till I hurt...

I liked the third one especially.

That was 'sick' homour ;)

Wow, that would've been my last guess [img]tongue.gif[/img]

[ 11-18-2003, 06:08 PM: Message edited by: Gangrell ]

I like the first one, especially since I work at the hospital that the physician was working at (I've seen Dr. MacDonald's name on various documents that come through my office). If I ever run into him in the halls I'll have to ask him about that one... [img]smile.gif[/img]

I also like the KY, Muppet, and Enron ones. :D

<font color=deepskyblue>Well, since you asked so nicely, <font color=dodgerblue>V.R.</font>, how could I possibly refuse? (although I was already planning to share my uncle's story after reading <font color=lime>Lord Kathans</font> post.)

<font color=white>(for any members not familiar with Ben-Gay, it is an ointment used to soothe sore muscles. When applied, it generates a lot of heat. It's very similar to products like <font color=orange>Tiger Balm</font> etc.)</font>

Story #1 - Shortly after high school, I began studying martial arts defense. One night I had to spar with the instructor. He took it easy on me (since I was newbie), but he still ended up planting a solid kick to the inside of my upper thigh (narrowly missing my "manhood"). When I got home, I was still aching from the kick and limping slightly. My mom asked what was wrong. I didn't want to tell her exactly what happened, so I just said I had "pulled a muscle". "Oh, well then put some Ben-Gay on it and that will take the soreness away." I've always trusted my mother's advice, but my common sense tried to throw up a red flag over this one. I blithely ignored it and applied the Ben Gay as advised. YEEEEEOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!!!! It was also close enough to the "most private of areas" so that the "heat" from the ointment extended there. I ended up in the bathroom sitting in a tub of very cold water...it didn't help. NOTHING relieves the burning sensation...you just have to wait it out. Which leads to Story #2..........

Story 2 - One year, my mom, dad, and I went on vacation to the beach with my uncle and aunt. We had a lot of fun and the trip was mainly uneventful until about 2 days before we came back home. My uncle was suffering from a bad case of hemorrhoids and was having to apply Preparation H (a medicinal ointment to relieve the burning and swelling caused by the hemorrhoids) at least twice a day. Late one afternoon, we were gettng ready to go out to eat. Mom, dad, and I were in one room and my aunt and uncle had a room a few doors away. Suddenly, we hear a loud knocking on our door. We open the door and my aunt literally falls into the room laughing hysterically. She was laughing SO hard that it actually took her several minutes to catch her breath long enough to tell us what had happened. She and my uncle were also getting ready to go out and my uncle had gone into the bathroom to apply a quick dose of Preparation H, but he grabbed the Ben Gay instead. My aunt said the last thing she heard from the bathroom was <font color=yellow>"OH S***, I'VE PUT BEN-GAY UP MY A$$!!!!"</font>

We all fell into hysterics after hearing about that. Fortunately, we had "laughed ourselves out" by the time my uncle had recovered enough to actually join us. It must have been at least 45 minutes before the pain of his mistake wore off.</font>

[ 11-19-2003, 08:48 AM: Message edited by: Cerek the Barbaric ]

<font color=lime>Right on Cerek! [img]graemlins/awesomework.gif[/img] Thanks for sharing. I will have to tell them to my mom. She'll get a kick out of them. :D </font>

for some reason, I did not find the Arkansas one ammusing [img]tongue.gif[/img] we have evolved ya know? now it has to be at least 4 times before you are married :D