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Post your jokes here!! And try to keep it clean the moderators like it that way.
Carpet A guy (we'll call him Aaron) was laying down carpet in some woman's home. As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette. Aaron looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing. He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet, and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there. Aaron decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer and pound it into the ground so no one would know. When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done. ''Aaron, The carpet lookes wonderful!'' she exclaimed. ''Here are your cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, and by the way, have you seen my gerbil?'' |
Lem: ''I got fired from my job as a bank guard.''
Clem: ''That's awful. What happened?'' Lem: ''Well a thief came in to rob a bank. I drew my gun. I told him that if he took one more step, I'd let him have it.'' Clem: ''What did thief do then?'' Lem: ''He took one more step so I let him have it. I didn't want that stupid gun anyhow!'' |
those are great [img]smile.gif[/img]
Anyway, do they have to be jokes that you made up, or can you get them from elsewhere? |
Helisoft
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it. "I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer." |
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Four women go to a doctor, each with a son or a daughter of theirs.
The doctor says, "Now, you are all here because you have certain obsessions that you need to realize. So the doctor turns to the first woman and says, "You're so obsessed with money that you named your daughter Penny." He turns to the second woman and says, "You're so obsessed with food that you named your son Crescant (okay, that's not exactly what he says there, but that's good enough)." The doctor looked at the third woman, and said, "You're so obsessed with tools that you named your son Jack Hammer." Before the daughter can talk to the last woman about her obsession, she turns to her son and says, "Come on Dick, I don't even want to hear what this man has to say." |
Never Judge a Book by it's Author
--------------------------------------------------- Is O. J. Guilty?..............Howard I. Know Animal Illnesses............. Ann Thrax French Overpopulation.........Francis Crowded Fallen Underwear .............Lucy Lastic Downpour! ....................Wayne Dwops Cloning ......................Ima Dubble Irish Flooring ...............Lynn O'Leum I Lived in Detroit ...........Helen Earth Inflammation, Please .........Arthur Itis Handel's Messiah .............Ollie Luyah House Construction ...........Bill Jerome Home Unemployed ...................Anita Job Off to Market ................Tobias A. Pigg Holmes Does it Again .........Scott Linyard Home Alone IV ................Eddie Buddyhome Lewis Carroll ................Alison Wonderland Leo Tolstoy ..................Warren Peace The L. A. Lakers Breakfast ...Kareem O' Wheat Neither a Borrower ...........Nora Lender Bee The French Chef ..............Sue Flay Tight Situation ..............Leah Tard The Scent of a Man ...........Jim Nasium Why Cars Stop ................M. T. Tank Wind in the Willows ..........Russell Ingleaves Look Younger .................Fay Slift Mountain Climbing ............Andover Hand It's Springtime! .............Theresa Green No! ..........................Kurt Reply And Shut Up! .................Sid Downe |
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This is one I just made up. It's a Harry Potter: Chamber of Secrets joke.
You are so ugly you petrified the Basilisk! Think that one was good? |
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Wait, getting stoned? Not bad at all [img]graemlins/cheers.gif[/img] |
A man walks into a bar and says ouch! [img]graemlins/biglaugh.gif[/img]
Two bugs are flying and one hits a car. The other says to himself 'He'll never have the guts to do that again' [img]graemlins/biglaugh.gif[/img] (Say this one out loud)Knock knock Whos there Little ol' lady Little ol' lady who? [img]graemlins/biglaugh.gif[/img] |
1st cow: Hey did you hear about that mad cow disease going around?
2nd cow: Yeah but i'm not worried about it. 1st cow: Why not? 2nd cow: Because i'm a helicopter |
why was 6 afraid of 7
because 7 8 9 A sandwich and a peanut enter a bar The bartender goes: "Sorry, but we don't serve food" A blind guy enters a shop. He takes his dog by the tail and starts swinging it around like a throwing hammer. The attendant asks: "May I help you sir" "No, I'm just looking around" and a really sick one: Three pregnant woman are sitting on a park bench and knitting pullovers for their soon arriving children. One takes a pack of pills from her purse and swalows some. The others go: "Hey, that's bad for your child." She responds: "No those are just aspirin, they are completely harmless". Soon the second takes out some pills:"They are just vitamins, they are actually good for the child" Finally the last takes out some. When the others ask: "What are those?" she answers: "Thalidomide, I just can't seem to get the sleeves done" |
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The rabbit wlaks into the bar and shouts out:
-Who wants a fight? -I do-says the bear. -OK you're with me anyone else? Lol Lord yours was good. |
my fav so far is bristowe's!
did you see on the news that two men were caught for dealing illegally in battery acid and fireworks? one was charged and the other let off. |
A penguin walks into a bar...
Penguin: Excuse me sir, but i'm looking for my dad, have you seen him by any chance? Barkeep: I might have, what does he look like? :D |
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Knock, knock Who’s there? Boo Boo who Don’t get so upset, crybaby! What? Ha! Ha! I made you say “boo-hoo” You’re a real idiot. That wasn’t necessary. Knock, knock Who’s there? FBI! … … Hello? FBI! Let us in! … …nobody here… Oh. Let’s go boys! (Phew!) Edit: Found this in my e-mail: The bear and the rabbit There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish. The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish. The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish. The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish. The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish. It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay." [ 10-23-2003, 12:53 PM: Message edited by: Raistlin Majere ] |
LMAO!!! I liked yours Raistlin! :D :D
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Knock, knock Who’s there? Boo Boo who Don’t get so upset, crybaby! What? Ha! Ha! I made you say “boo-hoo” You’re a real idiot. That wasn’t necessary. Knock, knock Who’s there? FBI! … … Hello? FBI! Let us in! … …nobody here… Oh. Let’s go boys! (Phew!) Edit: Found this in my e-mail: The bear and the rabbit There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish. The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish. The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish. The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish. The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish. It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay." </font>[/QUOTE]LOL! The bear and rabbit one was great! |
This is not really a joke but an insult I heard today. It can become really useful when you cannoth think up a good come back.
"(Put persons name here) if there was a gay club you'd be the leader!" I gurantee it'll make the dude you just insulted blink. The trick to is using the right tone of voice. Here's a joke Your mom's lips are so big that instead of lipstick she uses a red paint roller! |
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Me: Hey, hey wait... i got something for you... "makes a big show off taking something out of my pocket (any pocket will do)" give the person the middle finger out of your pocket. Sure as hell shut him up. lol |
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This morning a cement-mixer collided with a van that was transporting some prison inmates. Police are warning people to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals :D Last night the police station was broken into and the toilet seats were stolen. The police have nothing to go on. |
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