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-   -   Straight Eye for the ... (http://www.ironworksforum.com/forum/showthread.php?t=87395)

Attalus 08-18-2003 09:22 AM

If you want a laugh (or several, check out this

Timber Loftis 08-18-2003 10:31 AM

I liked my version of Straight Eye for the Queer Guy better. I actually sought to give real advice to gay men, not faux advice to straight men.

Example lessons:

1. Yes, shorts can be too short.

2. Nothing screams "I need attention" like bronze highlights.

3. Socks -- they have a purpose, and yes they should sometimes be worn.

4. Unless you're a Ghetto-rapper, you must realize that adding a ridiculous pricetag to a gaudy clashing garmet does NOT give it inherent worth.

4a. Nothing Coco Chanel makes looks good on a male, and most looks bad on a female.
4b. Burberry is not only ugly, it's now trite.
4c. Sunglasses can serve their purpose without handlebars and gold-enameled artwork springing from their sides.

5. No one wants to dance next to someone imitating Flashdance -- save it for you "alone time."

6. Healhty self-humor 101, or "How to realize Bird Cage was a good movie, despite the fact you felt insulted."
________________________________________
I am offering the first three lessons on book and dvd at Bi-Temptation Island at 50% off the retail price. Stop on over and peruse the goods.

Attalus 08-18-2003 02:13 PM

LOL, I like it, Timber.

Thoran 08-18-2003 03:17 PM

I like Timber's version, the other site seemed to be lacking something... like HUMOR, or maybe it was origonality. Read like a poorly warmed over Jeff Foxworthy skit. "Hey, how many redneck men does it take to screw in a lightbulb blah blah blah"

Timber Loftis 08-18-2003 04:45 PM

Thanks for the kudos Thoran, but some of it is hilarious. I almost [img]graemlins/1drinkspit.gif[/img] when I read this bit:
__________________________________________________
Now for the important matter of butt cleavage. Most straight guys have a pretty good sense of when it is appropriate and when it's not. On the basketball court, appropriate. At your niece's christening, not. Some situations virtually demand an obligatory amount of butt crack, such as working under the sink. The key is knowing when.

The Straight Guy has a simple rule: If you're repairing something, butt crack is acceptable. For formal situations, it usually isn't. For guys with a tendency to forget when you're allowed to crack-flash, match the situation to what you have in your hand. If it's

For home repair,
You can bare.
Champagne glass,
Cover ass.

It's really that simple. However, as with all matters of etiquette, there are always exceptions. I ran into one at a buddy's funeral -- I mean wedding. I was in a rented tuxedo, and a lot of straight guys will know that when the occasion calls for formal wear, you don't want to be showing a lot of butt crack. But then my buddy asked me if I'd hotwire this backhoe, because one of his ex-wives had shown up drunk at the wedding even though he told her to stay away. And he wanted me to fire up that backhoe so we could toss her Honda Accord (formerly his Honda Accord) around a little bit.

Standing there in my tux, you can imagine what I said to this odd request. I said, shitchess! Most folks throw rice at weddings; we were gonna throw a ricer. So I crawled up on that backhoe and got to work, and I imagine I showed my share of butt crack there. But man, it was worth it. I been to so many weddings where the highlight is tossing a garter or a bouquet, but you shoulda seen the guests when a Honda went sailing by. Anyway, this exertion did have an effect on my rented tux, and the rental place was really nasty after I mailed it back to them -- after wearing it as I fled to Cancun. With my buddy. In his luggage. We still can't go back to Nebraska. Got a warrant out or something.

Attalus 08-18-2003 07:51 PM

How about this? From Scappleface:
(2003-08-15) -- The Entertainment and Sports Programming Network (ESPN) announced today that its fall lineup will include 'Straight Eye for the Homo Guy', a new show based on a similarly-named program on another network.

On each episode a team of five heterosexual males will do a "makeover" on one homosexual man.

Preview screenings of the pilot showed the five guys uncomfortably shuffling around the menswear section at Wal-Mart picking out trousers for a guy named Maurice, who they refused to take with them.

The men get frustrated after about 30 seconds and ask a blue-vested store associate if she could just find them something in the proper size. Things get tense when they're asked which one of them will wear the pants, and they struggle to admit they're buying the slacks for another guy.

"He's a relative," one man says quickly. "Uh...yeah...my brother...our brother...we're all brothers, and we're buying the pants for our other brother and he's in a coma...but he'll be out soon, and he'll need pants. And that's what we're doing."

Destined to be a ratings hit, 'Straight Eye' also includes "coaching sessions" where the hetero-males tell the homosexual helpful things like "clothing is strictly for warmth and to cover your body, not to draw attention to yourself. Buy clothes which blend with your surroundings....like camouflage gear."

In another scene, the team takes their subject to a Barber Shop to "get a real haircut." While he waits, they force him to read an issue of "Guns & Ammo."

Timber Loftis 08-19-2003 12:51 AM

LoL Attalus, good show. [img]graemlins/thumbsup.gif[/img] I guess we can lay to rest the homosexual Time Magazine writer who challenged that we would all know the lines of discrimination had truly been crossed when "Straight Eye for the Queer Guy" mad network TV. :D

Buying pants for a relative. LoL. [img]graemlins/biglaugh.gif[/img]

I still like mine better. More practical. [img]tongue.gif[/img]

I'm reminded of the hunters from South Park, and Ned who voice-boxes the computer-sounding line "I want to be on the cover of Guns & Ammoooooo." [img]graemlins/biglaugh.gif[/img]

Faceman 08-19-2003 03:15 AM

the TIME article was the first thing I thought of too, because we don't have that show over here.
personally I LOVE: straight guys decorate with electronics
I do it all the time.

Thoran 08-19-2003 08:23 AM

Yea I gotta admit the "Guys decorate with electronics" line was good... but most of the stuff goes into the "been done a million times already" bin. The reason I like your's TL is because you poked fun at the gay guys (very un-PC of you... naughty naughty). The origonal show "Queer eye" is based on the premise of making fun of straight guys... the parody on that site is making fun of straight guys. Attalus' second post... making fun of straight guys. Since straight guys are the only group left who it's PC to make fun of, this stuff has all been done ad-nauseum by everyone and their brother, it's getting pretty boring IMO.

Besides that, based on the attire I've seen on a fair number of our gay brothers... they most certainly should not be throwing stones at us [img]smile.gif[/img] .

LordKathen 08-19-2003 08:37 AM

<font color=lime>This is all just to hilarious. [img]graemlins/awesomework.gif[/img] </font>

Attalus 08-19-2003 09:11 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Thoran:
you poked fun at the gay guys (very un-PC of you... naughty naughty).
I am totally un-PC. As Timber posted on another subject, I make fun of everybody. [img]tongue.gif[/img] Thanks, Lord K. Good to see ya, BTW.

LordKathen 08-19-2003 09:19 AM

<font color=lime> You to Attalus. And the rest of you guys to. I check the forum frequently, just dont log-in and post very often, only if I see a good topic, and I usually keep it short. I am back on modem speed, and after 8 months of cable speed, I got quite spoiled. So spoiled in fact, that I dont even get online very often anymore. Pathetic I know, but after cable, I just dont have the patience I use to have with loading pages and so forth. I am still around, just not that often. Rupert still has his eye on you guys though. ;) </font>

Thoran 08-19-2003 09:22 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Attalus:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Thoran:
you poked fun at the gay guys (very un-PC of you... naughty naughty).

I am totally un-PC. As Timber posted on another subject, I make fun of everybody. [img]tongue.gif[/img] Thanks, Lord K. Good to see ya, BTW. </font>[/QUOTE]Not accusing... I know most of the gang on this board is a BIT out of the mainstream (that's why I like it here). ;)

Timber Loftis 08-19-2003 09:48 AM

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This video has been an inspiration to queers world wide, and now can be yours. Despite sharp criticism from the ACLU, Al Sharpton, and RuPaul, we at <font color=green> <u>Bi-Temptation Island</u> </font> realize that not every situation calls for fagulous flare. Some gay men are lawyers, some are doctors, some construction workers -- not every job situation is down with brash "outness" (despite the fact that we too realize, as you do, they just need a good man ;) ). And then there are those one-time situations where queerity is best left at home. Maybe you make oodles of bucks making queer porn or re-decorating for the rich -- that doesn't mean you shouldn't lose that lisp at this year's Republican Convention, girlfriend.

So, ditch that bitch-speak you made yourself learn when you first opened your closet in college! Blend in and look normal, even if at home you're NAMBLA!

Act now, and we'll include introductory spa treatments to give you a taste of the bi-sexually pampered lifestyle we offer at <font color=green><u>Bi-Temptation Island</u></font> and we'll also give you 50% OFF the companion video to Thay It Ain't Tho, the inspirational Stop That Sway, Man: Learning to Walk Without Hip-sway.

In all, that's 2 very instructional videos to help you with real-life queer problems that Bravo just doesn't tell you about -- ALL FOR THE LOW INTRODUCTORY PRICE OF $59.99, plus spa treatments at the world's premiere bi and try-sexual (as in try anything ;) ) getaway.

ACT NOW!!!!

[ 08-19-2003, 09:53 AM: Message edited by: Timber Loftis ]

Thoran 08-19-2003 10:26 AM

AAARRGGG... MY PC EYES... THEY BURN!!!

:D

Sir Taliesin 08-19-2003 12:21 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Timber Loftis:
<h1>SPECIAL OFFER!!!!!</h1>

Available for a limited time at the <font color=green><u>Bi-Temptation Island</u></font> (Link) Spa and Clubhouse, 75% OFF our Award-Winning self-help DVD Thay It Ain't Tho, Girl: Ridding the Annoying Lisp in 5 Simple Steps.

This video has been an inspiration to queers world wide, and now can be yours. Despite sharp criticism from the ACLU, Al Sharpton, and RuPaul, we at <font color=green> <u>Bi-Temptation Island</u> </font> realize that not every situation calls for fagulous flare. Some gay men are lawyers, some are doctors, some construction workers -- not every job situation is down with brash "outness" (despite the fact that we too realize, as you do, they just need a good man ;) ). And then there are those one-time situations where queerity is best left at home. Maybe you make oodles of bucks making queer porn or re-decorating for the rich -- that doesn't mean you shouldn't lose that lisp at this year's Republican Convention, girlfriend.

So, ditch that bitch-speak you made yourself learn when you first opened your closet in college! Blend in and look normal, even if at home you're NAMBLA!

Act now, and we'll include introductory spa treatments to give you a taste of the bi-sexually pampered lifestyle we offer at <font color=green><u>Bi-Temptation Island</u></font> and we'll also give you 50% OFF the companion video to Thay It Ain't Tho, the inspirational Stop That Sway, Man: Learning to Walk Without Hip-sway.

In all, that's 2 very instructional videos to help you with real-life queer problems that Bravo just doesn't tell you about -- ALL FOR THE LOW INTRODUCTORY PRICE OF $59.99, plus spa treatments at the world's premiere bi and try-sexual (as in try anything ;) ) getaway.

ACT NOW!!!!

<font color=orange>Yet, once again another post that has caused a deep rift to development between the System Manager and myself. Where is the DAMNED Windex? (Bangs head against the coffee covered monitor)When will I ever learn to not drink coffee while viewing Ironworks??? When??? When??? When?

Attalus 08-19-2003 02:21 PM

ROFLMAO!!! Good one, Timber! :D :D :D

Timber Loftis 08-19-2003 02:30 PM

I just had the nicest gay guy from Tom James in my office showing me tons of swatches of cloth for ties, pants, and custom-made shirts. So, I'm sitting here discussing $100 ties and $90 shirts with this guy, just laughing my butt off on the inside thinking about how I may apply my fashion sensitities to his wardrobe. :D

Well, here's my thought for the moment: for a man, your ability to "pull off" wearing pink is inversely proportional to how effeminate you are. (Note: this is truly a mannerism thing, and not a sexual preference thing.) Seriously. If you look like Lou Ferigno and/or have mannerisms like Al Bundy, pink is a fine choice for attire. If your mannerisms just cry "I only dance in bars where they play techno ABBA," then stick with blue. ;)

This poor little, very nice and helpful, queer had pink on pink, patterned shirt and textured tie. Nice pink on pink, to be sure, but still... not a good choice, IMO. [img]graemlins/biglaugh.gif[/img]

[ 08-19-2003, 02:31 PM: Message edited by: Timber Loftis ]

Attalus 08-19-2003 06:10 PM

Yeah, I have a couple of pink shirts from Brooks Brothers hanging in the closet, and I never had anything but compliments on them. But, I wear maroon ties with them.

wellard 08-19-2003 07:42 PM

This is one hell of a funny thread [img]graemlins/hehe.gif[/img] Thanks attalus-timber, and good to see you lord K.

Timber Loftis 08-20-2003 06:12 PM

Today's helpful tip has to do with decorating.

While a nice column is fine every now and then, buying too many can be a problem. Sure, a low-sitting column makes a fine pedestal for a potted plant (plants are another issue -- future post) or the like, but 3 in one room is just too much for anyone. And, a faux Greecian wrestling statue atop a column just screams OG -- as in Over-Greek (a serious problem, I've known people who've gone to the hospital after over-greeking). Finally, buying those short $10 ceramic columns at Wal-Mart and putting a piece of glass on top does not suffice for a table. Trust me: some of us straight guys have wives and yards and know that those cheapies are for garden decoration. We may not let you know we know, but gaudy and cheap are often noticeable to us too. ;)


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