Something Is Wrong

A guy walks into the doctor's office. There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a carrot stuck in one nostril.

The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you're not eating right"

*groan*

Doctor, doctor, I think I'm invisible!

Well, I can't see you right now

HAHAHAHA

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts. Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to New York and then west to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each day.

For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists' camp completely ravaged. There was no sign of the missing men.

They then followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists, because they feared an international incident. They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach and, sure enough, found the remains of the Russian.

One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"

"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male."

Are we aiming for the worst joke? Here goes:

What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep... a wooly jumper

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo... big holes all over Africa

Veteran Pillsbury spokesmodel Pop-N-Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

Fresh was buried in one of the largest ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, The California Raisins, Hungry Jack, and Betty Crocker. The gravesite was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima gave the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much time on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

FOUL PLAY! That was a GOOD joke... oh! hope I haven't embarassed myself by liking it...

"Tornado Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead!"

No fair putting good jokes (even if they are puns) in with the bad.

A man, a priest, a dog, a clown, and a hamester walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this? A joke?"

Phew! That's better!!!!

But puns by definition are bad! See:

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, hoping that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

My knee herts.

A polar bear walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a large orange juice . . .
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on the rocks."

The bartender served the juice and said, "Here it is, but why the big pause?"

"I don't know," the polar bear replied. "I've always had them."

Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhggggggggggggg!!!!!!!!!!!!! !

Too
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Many
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PUNS
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!

A very old, well known, and ultimately lame pun: [img]tongue.gif[/img]

A horse walks in to a bar and orders a pint, he seems clearly upset over something.
After serving him, the bartender asks...
"So, why the long face?"

A frog named Kermit Jagger goes to a bank to get a loan. He talks to a teller named Patty Mack. Patty asks the frog what he has for collateral. The frog pulls out a small figurine, but Patty says, "I'm sorry, that's just a cheap knick knack." The bank manager had been walking by at the time and overheard the conversation. Looking over, he said, "This figurine is three hundred years old -- it's priceless. That's no knick knack, Patty Mack, give that frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

GAG!!!!

The frog joke is much better in person, as you can imbellish it endlessly to get a really good groan (or pummeling) after the punch line [img]smile.gif[/img]

Three strings walk into a bar. The first two ask the bartender for a drink, but he turns them away, saying, "We don't serve strings here."

The third goes into the bathroom, messes up his hair, and puts hismelf into a loop. When he walks up to the bartender, that person asks, "Are you a string?"

The string replies:

*drum roll*

"No, I'm a frayed knot."

- - - - - - - -

*runs*

[ 12-23-2002, 06:24 PM: Message edited by: Judas Maccabeus ]

So a gorilla walks up to the icecream stand and asks for a milkshake, and hands the guy a ten-dollar bill. The guy makes a milkshake, and thinks "Gee, what can a gorilla know about money?" and hands him $0.50 change. He says, "You know, we don't get many gorillas around here." The gorilla replies, "No wonder, at 9.50 a shake!!"

Actually, the teller's name is Patty Whack. Haven't you heard the little rhyme?

Anyway, these are all totally awful.... I love 'em. :D [img]graemlins/hehe.gif[/img]

Two Martain scouts land in the desert, the only thing around is an old gas station with one old gas pump. The Martains walk up to the pump thinking it is an Earthling and say "Take us to your leader".
The gas pump doesn't say anything, so the Martains pull out their ray-gun and repeat "Take us to your LEADER".
The gas pump stil doesn't say anything.
The Martains shoot the gas pump, it blows up and sends the Martains flying. The Martains get up and dust themselves off and return to Mars, go directly to the comanding general to deliver their report about invading Earth. They tell the general that Mars can't take the Earthlings over using military force because they blow up when shot.
The General askes "Can the Earthlings can be taken over using mind control"?
"No" reply the scouts "Eathlings are dumb as rocks".
I know says the General "We'll take them over sexually"
The Scouts answer "NO WAY he had IT wrapped around him twice and stuck in one ear"!

Heheh, the way I heard that one, was one martian kept trying to tell the other not to use his raygun and the second one wouldn't listen. After the pump explodes, and the second martian lands near the first (who had left the vicinity) asks "How did you know that was going to happen?!?" The first replies, "I didn't - but you don't screw around with anyone who wraps IT around himself twice and sticks it in his ear!"

It looks like the 'original' joke has created a monster. ROFLMAO

[ 12-23-2002, 09:00 PM: Message edited by: Arvon ]