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one afternoon an elderly woman calls her local police and says,
"Help Me there is a republican playing with himself on my front porch!" the police dispatcher says " What? I must have heard you wrong,would you please repete what you said!" The elderly woman says again "Help Me there is a Republican playing with himself on my frount porch!" The police Dispatcher says "what makes you think he's a Republican?" the Elderly woman says "he has to be A republican, Because if he was a democrat he wouldn't be playing with himself he would be screwing somebody!" I've been a regestered Democrat for 32 years and I could't stop laughing when I heard this yesterday. |
What's brown and sticky??
A stick!!! BAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH! oh wait that's not funny. :D |
I don't know what is brown and sticky?
and sewer torpeados don't count. I'll bet you didn't know that there is no such thing as Gravity, the Earth sucks! [ 11-20-2002, 12:05 AM: Message edited by: TheCrimsomBlade ] |
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was assaulted.
[img]graemlins/laugh3.gif[/img] |
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food"
[img]tongue.gif[/img] |
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Quote:
"Bill clinton could have been remembered as the best president ever but he will be remembered as the one who screwed his secretary. So remember never get cocky :D like bill clinton!" |
what do ya get when you cross a cat with a 10 foot pole?
What do you get when you mix a goat with an owl? Why did the rooster cross the road? |
John calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I can't come in to work today because I'm really sick. I've got a headache, a stomach ache, and my legs hurt. I feel awful, and I just can't come in."
The boss says, "You know John, I really need you today. When I feel like that I go to my wife and tell her to give me some **wink**"lovin'". That makes everything better, and I can go to work. Try that. I'll bet you'll feel much better." Two hours later John calls again, "Boss, I have to admit that I followed your advice, and I feel great! I be at office in a few minutes." The boss replies, "See there, a little love goes a long way." John agrees, "You've got that right. Oh by the way, I have to say you have a beautiful home." ;) |
Voodoo D Mark as unread
There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big ■■■■■■■ deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my ■■■■■." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my ■■■■■!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her ■■■■■, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!" |
How they killed the "Texas Eel"
Little Johnny was about 10 years old and curious as only a boy should be. He had been hearing a lot about courting from other boys so he asked his mother how it was done. She told him to hide behind the curtains some night and watch his sister and her boyfriend. So Johnny did and this is what happened (or at least his version). "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked awhile, then turned out all the lights except the blue one, then he started kissing her, and for some reason he put his hand inside her blouse. She started giggling and ooing, then he put his hand up her skirt, when he did this she began to moan and sigh. Then she slowly moved to the other end of the couch till she was lying down. I think she had a backache, then he rolled over and unzipped his pants and pulled out a Texas Eel. I don't know what it was doing in there but it was 8" long and 2" wide. He held it in his hands so it wouldn't get away. Sis tried to help him, so she got a tight grip on it, she spread her legs far apart and stuck this eel between her legs and got a good scissors hold on it. He helped by lying on top of Sis to keep the eel from moving. The eel put up a hell of a fight though. Sis squalled and her boyfriend nearly up set the couch. For a minute there I thought the damn thing was getting away but Sis grabbed it just as it was slipping out and stuck it back in. Soon they both gave a large sigh and stopped moving. First they let the eel move but it didn't. It tried to get away but her boyfriend got up and the thing was dead. It just hung there limber as a hot water bottle and its end was dripping. Sis and her boyfriend were all tired out from the battle. They started kissing and loving again and by God if that damn thing didn't come back to life again, so the battle started again. Well it sure was the best wrestling match I ever saw. This time they really killed the eel. I saw her boyfriend pull its skin off and flush it down the toilet." |
Quote:
I nearly fell off my chair!!!! |
Hooked
A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly dude. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him. The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her. "Is it true you're a prostitute?" "Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?" "Well, I dunno. What do you charge?" "I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there..." "$100!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?" "You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs. Trust me, it's worth it." The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life. The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her. "Last night was incredible!" "Of course it was. Just wait til you try one of my blow jobs..." "How much is that?" "$500" "$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!" "You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy looks out front at a 12 story apartment building. "I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blow jobs. Trust me, it's worth it." Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints - twice. The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. "I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some ■■■■■?" She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, here between the buildings he can see Manhattan. "You see that island?" "Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!" She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a ■■■■■, I'd own Manhattan!" |
Freezing my Penis
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old pen buggy one cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughte rwas riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold." The daughter replied, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up." The next day, the boyfriend was again driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold." The daughter replied, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up." He did, and his nose warmed up. The next day, the boyfriend was once again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?" The daughter says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they thaw out!" |
Proxy Father
The British Governments policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the governments plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant during the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a "Proxy Father" a government employee who attempts to solve the woman's problem by getting her pregnant. The Smiths, a young married couple have no children and the government man is due to arrive. Mr. Smith on leaving, says "I'm off, the Government man should be here soon". Instead, however a door-to-door photographer who specialises in baby pictures rings the bell. The conversation went as follows: Ms. Smith: Good morning. Salesman: Good morning, you don't know me but I've come to... Ms. Smith: Oh, you don't have to explain. My husband told me you were coming. Salesman: Oh? Well good. I've made a specialty of babies, especially twins. Ms. Smith: That's what my husband said. Please sit down. Salesman: Then your husband probably told you that... Ms. Smith: Oh yes, we both agreed this is the best thing to do. Salesman: Well, in that case perhaps we should get right on with it. Ms. Smith: (blushing) Well, just where do we start? Salesman: Just leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple in the bed. Sometimes the living room floor works well. Ms. Smith: Bathroom!!! Living room floor!!! No wonder it hasn't worked for us. Salesman: Well lady, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try six or seven times one of 'em is bound to be a honey. Ms. Smith: Pardon me, but isn't this a bit informal? Salesman: No indeed, in my line a man can't do his work in a hurry. Ms. Smith: Well have you had much success with this? Salesman: (opening case and showing baby pictures) Just look at these babies! They're all jobs I've handled. This one took four hours. Ms. Smith: Yes, this is a lovely child. Salesman: But if you want to hear about a really tough assignment, look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London. Ms. Smith: OH MY GOD!!! Salesman: And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider that their mother was hard to work with. Ms. Smith: Oh, she was? Salesman: Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were all around four and five deep pushing to get a good look. Ms. Smith: Four and five deep!!! Salesman: Yes, and for more than three hours too. But I finally got a couple of buddies to keep them back. I could've shot again before dark, but by that time the squirrels were beginning to nibble on my equipment and I had to give up. Ms. Smith: You mean they actually chewed on your ahhh - equipment? Salesman: Yes, but it's all in a days work. I've spent three long years perfecting my technique. Take this baby. I shot this one in the front window of a big department store. Ms. Smith: I can't believe it! Salesman: Well, madam, if your ready, I'll get my tripod. Ms. Smith: TRIPOD???!!! Salesman: Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy to hold in my hand. Ms. Smith... Ms. Smith...Ms. Smith... Goodness, she fainted!!! |
The real answer was: Where did all the punchlines go?
Quote:
A hootenany and he wanted to warn the chicken on the other side that was heading into a Wendy's... |
The blundering foreigner
A man had just moved to the United States, and he was having trouble with the English language. He was walking along the street one day when he passed a liquor store. The man decided that he could really use a drink, so he decided to go in. "Excuse me," he said to the clerk. "Where can I find a butt?" "A butt?" asked the confused worker. "Oh oh, you must mean a BUD," and he sold the foreign man a six pack of Bud Light. The man continued walking along, and soon he came upon a hardware store. He thought of all the gardening that he had to do at his new house, so he decided to go in. "Excuse me sir," he said to a man wearing an apron. "Can you show me where I can find a fucket?" "A fucket? Oh oh, you must mean a BUCKET," and the clerk sold the foreigner a 10-gallon bucket. The man kept walking until he came to a pet store. In the window, he saw the most beautiful cockerspaniel. He simply had to have the dog. "Excuse me," he said to the woman behind the counter. "I want to buy that cockandspankit." "Cockandspankit?" asked the confused woman. "Oh oh, you must be talking about that COCKERSPANIEL," and she sold the man the cockerspaniel. The man was headed back home with his purchases, when all of a sudden, the dog's leash slips out of his hand. The man is frantic, but he spots a police officer. "Officer!" exclaims the foreigner. "Would you please hold my butt and fuckit, while I go get my cockandspankit?" |
Austin Powers Pick up lines
1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long. 2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt)....Let's get you out of these wet clothes. 3. Nice legs...what time do they open? 4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package. 5. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more? 6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money? 7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you. 8. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher,have you seen one? 9. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight. 10. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me. 11. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter. 12. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag. 13. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked. 14. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven? 15. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. 16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy. 17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue. 18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning. 19. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me. 20. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions? 21. F@#! me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom? 22. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor. 23. My name is Austin ... remember that, you'll be screaming it later. 24. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again? 25. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me. 26. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute." 27. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you. 28. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to. 29. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking? 30. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public. 31. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza? 32. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me. 33. Do you sleep on your stomach? no..........? Can I??? 34. Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them. 35. I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room. |
Austin Powers Pick up lines
1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long. 2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt)....Let's get you out of these wet clothes. 3. Nice legs...what time do they open? 4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package. 5. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more? 6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money? 7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you. 8. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher,have you seen one? 9. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight. 10. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me. 11. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter. 12. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag. 13. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked. 14. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven? 15. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. 16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy. 17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue. 18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning. 19. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me. 20. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions? 21. F@#! me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom? 22. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor. 23. My name is Austin ... remember that, you'll be screaming it later. 24. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again? 25. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me. 26. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute." 27. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you. 28. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to. 29. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking? 30. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public. 31. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza? 32. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me. 33. Do you sleep on your stomach? no..........? Can I??? 34. Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them. 35. I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room. |
Ladies and Gentlemen, here is the funniest cricket joke ever....
. .. ... .... ..... ...... ..... .... ... .. . The funniest cricket joke ever is... ENGLAND :D :P |
Добро пожаловать на официальный сайт виртуальных ВВС России, Третья Мировая Война уже в самом разгаре! Причем она приобрела такой поворот, что каждый день происходят вооруженные столкновения между русскими и "буржуями"! Мы защищаем наше небо в виртуальном пространстве от поганцев из нато. В зоне нашей ответственности нет места европейским фашистам. Время героев одиночек прошло- в одиночку воевать уже трудно hahaha :D Did you get it? lol
[ 11-23-2002, 11:55 AM: Message edited by: Megabot ] |
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