I post this for my good friend DragonMage!

Last year I posted lots of Monty Python scripts and she liked them alot!

I noticed her here recently and I thought I'd post another just to make her laugh. All are invited to laugh too, if you like:

'Take Your Pick'

The cast:

MICHAEL MILES
John Cleese
HOSTESS
Graham Chapman
WOMAN
Terry Jones

The sketch:

(A simple 'Take Your Pick' style set with Michael Miles grinning type monster standing at centre of it.)
Michael Miles: And could we have the next contender, please? (a pepperpot walks out into the set towards Michael Miles) Ha ha ha... Good evening, madam, and your name is?

Woman: Yes, yes;

Michael Miles: And what's your name?

Woman: I go to church regularly.

Michael Miles: Jolly good, I see, and which prize do you have particular eyes on this evening?

Woman: I'd like the blow on the head.

Michael Miles: The blow on the head.

Woman: Just there.

Michael Miles: Jolly good. Well your first question for the blow on the head this evening is: what great opponent of Cartesian dualism resists the reduction of psychological phenomena to physical states?

Woman: I don't know that!

Michael Miles: Well, have a guess.

Woman: Henri Bergson.

Michael Miles: Is the correct answer!

Woman: Ooh, that was lucky. I never even heard of him.

Michael Miles: Jolly good.

Woman: I don't like darkies.

Michael Miles: Ha ha ha. Who does! And now your second question for the blow on the head is: what is the main food that penguins eat?

Woman: Pork luncheon meat.

Michael Miles: No.

Woman: Spam?

Michael Miles: No, no, no. What do penguins eat? Penguins.

Woman: Penguins?

Michael Miles: Yes.

Woman: I hate penguins.

Michael Miles: No, no, no.

Woman: They eat themselves.

Michael Miles: No, no, what do penguim eat?

Woman: Horses! ... Armchairs!

Michael Miles: No, no, no. What do penguins eat?

Woman: Oh, penguins.

Michael Miles: Penguins.

Woman: Cannelloni.

Michael Miles: No.

Woman: Lasagna, moussaka, lobster thermidor, escalopes de veau a l'estragon avec endives gratineed with cheese.

Michael Miles: No, no, no, no. I'll give you a clue. (mimes a fish swimming)

Woman: Ah! Brian Close.

Michael Miles: No. no.

Woman: Brian Inglis, Brian Johnson, Bryan Forbes.

Michael Miles: No, no!

Woman: Nanette Newman.

Michael Miles: No. What swims in the sea and gets caught in nets?

Woman: Henri Bergson.

Michael Miles: No.

Woman: Goats. Underwater goats with snorkels and flippers.

Michael Miles: No, no.

Woman: A buffalo with an aqualung.

Michael Miles: No, no.

Woman: Reginald Maudling.

Michael Miles: Yes, that's near enough. I'll give you that. Right, now, Mrs Scum, you have won your prize, do you still want the blow on the head?

Woman: Yes, yes.

Michael Miles: I'll offer you a poke in the eye.

Woman: No! I want a blow on the head.

Michael Miles: A punch in the throat.

Woman: No.

Michael Miles: All fight then, a kick in the kneecap.

Woman: No.

Michael Miles: Mrs Scum, I'm offering you a boot in the teeth and a dagger up the strap.

Woman: Er...

Voices: Blow on the headl Take the blow on the head!

Woman: No, no. I'll take the blow on the head.

Michael Miles: Very well then, Mrs Scum, you have won tonight's star prize, the blow on the head.

(He strkes her on head with an enormous mallet and she falls unconscious. A sexily dressed hostess in the background strikes a small gong. The three bishops rush in and jump on her.)

Mark

The woman's name is "I go to church regularly"?
I have one thing to say to you, Skywalker.
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wtf? lol!

*gets mad and attcks Goes To Church Regulery* IF YOU HATE PENGUINS THE I HATE YOU! *notices that it is a just a big stuffed dummy tht is getting killed* Oh darn

Willard? To reiterate this is script from a British TV program called Monty Python's Flying Circus. I didn't write it!

The show didn't always make sense!

Mark

Buy know, pay later... Real live parrot! :D

http://www.montypython.net/pix/parrotbox.jpg

And now for something completely different

(Scene a chairman of discussion group.)

Chairman (Terry Jones): Well to discuss the implications of that sketch and to consider the moral problems raised by the law-enforcement methods involved we have a duck, a cat and a lizard. Now first of all I'd like to put this question to you please, lizard. How effective do you consider the legal weapons employed by legal customs officers, nowadays? (shot of lizard; silence) Well while you're thinking about that, I'd like to bring the duck in here, and ask her, if possible, to clarify the whole question of currency restrictions, and customs regulations in the world today. (shot of duck; silence) Perhaps the cat would rather answer that? (shot of cat; silence) No? Lizard? (shot of lizard again and then back) No. Well, er, let's ask the man in the street what he thinks.

(Cut to film: vox pops.)

French Au Pair: I am not a man you silly billy.

Man on Roof: I'm not in the street you fairy.

Man in Street: Well, er, speaking as a man in the street... (a car runs him over) Wagh!

Man: What was the question again?

Voice Over: Just how relevant are contemporary customs regulations and currency restrictions in a modern expanding industrial economy? (no answer) Oh never mind.

Pepperpot: Well I think customs men should be armed, so they can kill people carrying more than two hundred cigarettes.

Man: (getting up from a deckchair and screaming with indignation and rage: he has a knotted handkerchief on his head and his trousers are rolled up to the knees) Well I, I think that, er, nobody who has gone abroad should be allowed back in the country. I mean, er, blimey, blimey if they're not keen enough to stay here when they're 'ere, why should we allow them back, er, at the tax-payers expense? I mean, be fair, I mean, I don't eat squirrels do I? I mean well perhaps I do one or two but there's no law against that, is there? It's a free country. (enter a knight in amour) I mean if I want to eat a squirrel now and again, that's me own business, innit? I mean, I'm no racialist. I, oh, oh...

(The knight is carrying a raw chicken. The man apprehensively covers his head and the knight slams him in the stomach with the chicken.)

Woman: I think it's silly to ask a lizard what it thinks, anyway.

Chairman: Why?

Woman: I mean they should have asked Margaret Drabble.

Young Man: (very reasonably) Well I think, er, customs people are quite necessary, and I think they're doing quite a good job really. Check.

:D :D :D

[ 06-21-2002, 10:37 PM: Message edited by: Downunda ]

Good one Downunda!

This is like dueling PythonS! :D

The Oscar Wilde Sketch

The cast:

PRINCE
Terry Jones
OSCAR WILDE
Graham Chapman
WHISTLER
John Cleese
SHAW
Michael Palin

The sketch:

Zoom in to overlay showing some stock film of hansom cabs galloping past. Suitably classy music starts.

CAPTION: LONDON 1895

CAPTION:
THE RESIDENCE OF
MR. OSCAR WILDE

Mix through to Wilde's drawing room. A crowd of suitably dressed folk are engaged in typically brilliant conversation, laughing affectedly and drinking champagne.

Prince: My congratulations, Wilde. Your latest play is a great success. The whole of London's talking about you.

Oscar: There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.
There follows fifteen seconds of restrained and sycophantic laughter.

Prince: Very very witty ... very very witty.

Whistler: There is only one thing in the world worse than being witty, and that is not being witty.
Fifteeen more seconds of the same.

Oscar: I wish I had said that.

Whistler: You will, Oscar, you will. (more laughter)

Oscar: Your Majesty, have you met James McNeill Whistler?

Prince: Yes, we've played squash together.

Oscar: There is only one thing worse than playing squash together, and that is playing it by yourself. (silence) I wish I hadn't said that.

Whistler: You did, Oscar, you did. (a little laughter)

Prince: You really must forgive me, Wilde, I've got to get back up the Palace.

Oscar: Your Majesty is like a big jam doughnut with cream on the top.

Prince: I beg your pardon?

Oscar: Um ... It was one of Whistler's.

Whistler: I never said that.

Oscar: You did, James, you did.

The Prince of Wales stares expectantly at Whistler.

Whistler: ... Well, Your Highness, what I meant was that, like a doughnut, um, your arrival gives us pleasure and your departure only makes us hungry for more. (laughter) Your Highness, you are also like a stream of bat's p*ss.

Prince: What?

Whistler: It was one of Wilde's. One of Wilde's.

Oscar: It sodding was not! It was Shaw!

Shaw: I ... I merely meant, Your Majesty, that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around is dark.

Prince: (accepting the compliment) Oh.

Oscar: (to Whistler) Right. Right? (to Prince) Your Majesty is like a dose of clap.

Whistler: Before you arrive -- before you arrive is pleasure, and after is a pain in the dong.

Prince: What?

Oscar and Whistler: One of Shaw's, one of Shaw's.

Shaw: You bastards. Um ... what I meant, Your Majesty, what I meant ...

Oscar: We've got him, Jim.

Whistler: Come on, Shaw-y.

Oscar: Come on, Shaw-y.

Shaw: I merely meant ...

Oscar: Come on, Shaw-y.

Whistler: Let's have a bit of wit, then, man.

Oscar Come on, Shaw-y.

Shaw: (blows a raspberry)
The Prince shakes Shaw's hand. Laughter all round.

Mark

[ 06-22-2002, 06:32 AM: Message edited by: skywalker ]

ROTFLMAO! [img]tongue.gif[/img]

You know I can't resist these! :D

LOLOLOLOL!

Got any cheese? ;)

Hi Babe!

Cheese? I love cheese!

The Cheese Shop

The cast:

CUSTOMER
John Cleese
WENSLYDALE
Michael Palin

The sketch:

Customer walks in the Henry Wenslydale's Cheese shop and walks past the bazouki player.
Customer: Good Morning.

Wenslydale: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium!

Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man.

Wenslydale: What can I do for you, Sir?

Customer: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through "Rogue Herrys" by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish.

Wenslydale: Peckish, sir?

Customer: Esuriant.

Wenslydale: Eh?

Customer: 'Ee, Ah wor 'ungry-loike!

Wenslydale: Ah, hungry!

Customer: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little fermented curd will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles!

Wenslydale: Come again?

Customer: I want to buy some cheese.

Wenslydale: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player!

Customer: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!

Wenslydale: Sorry?

Customer: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!

Wenslydale: So he can go on playing, can he?

Customer: Most certainly! Now then, some cheese please, my good man.

Wenslydale: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?

Customer: Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester.

Wenslydale: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir.

Customer: Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?

Wenslydale: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday.

Customer: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please.

Wenslydale: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.

Customer: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bel Paese?

Wenslydale: Sorry, sir.

Customer: Red Windsor?

Wenslydale: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.

Customer: Ah. Stilton?

Wenslydale: Sorry.

Customer: Ementhal? Gruyere?

Wenslydale: No.

Customer: Any Norweigan Jarlsburg, per chance.

Wenslydale: No.

Customer: Lipta?

Wenslydale: No.

Customer: Lancashire?

Wenslydale: No.

Customer: White Stilton?

Wenslydale: No.

Customer: Danish Brew?

Wenslydale: No.

Customer: Double Goucester?

Wenslydale: (pause) No.

Customer: Cheshire?

Wenslydale: No.

Customer: Dorset Bluveny?

Wenslydale: No.

Customer: Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Port Salut, Savoy Aire, Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson?

Wenslydale: No.

Customer: Camenbert, perhaps?

Wenslydale: Ah! We have Camenbert, yessir.

Customer: (suprised) You do! Excellent.

Wenslydale: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit runny...

Customer: Oh, I like it runny.

Wenslydale: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.

Customer: No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France! Mmmwah!

Wenslydale: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.

Customer: I don't care how ■■■■■■■ runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.

Wenslydale: Oooooooooohhh........!

Customer: What now?

Wenslydale: The cat's eaten it.

Customer: (pause) Has he.

Wenslydale: She, sir.

(pause)

Customer: Gouda?

Wenslydale: No.

Customer: Edam?

Wenslydale: No.

Customer: Case Ness?

Wenslydale: No.

Customer: Smoked Austrian?

Wenslydale: No.

Customer: Japanese Sage Darby?

Wenslydale: No, sir.

Customer: You...do *have* some cheese, don't you?

Wenslydale: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got--

Customer: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.

Wenslydale: Fair enough.

Customer: Uuuuuh, Wensleydale.

Wenslydale: Yes?

Customer: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!

Wenslydale: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Wensleydale, that's my name.

(pause)

Customer: Greek Feta?

Wenslydale: Uh, not as such.

Customer: Uuh, Gorgonzola?

Wenslydale: no

Customer: Parmesan,

Wenslydale: no

Customer: Mozarella,

Wenslydale: no

Customer: Paper Cramer,

Wenslydale: no

Customer: Danish Bimbo,

Wenslydale: no

Customer: Czech sheep's milk,

Wenslydale: no

Customer: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?

Wenslydale: Not *today*, sir, no.

(pause)

Customer: Aah, how about Cheddar?

Wenslydale: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.

Customer: Not much ca--It's the single most popular cheese in the world!

Wenslydale: Not 'round here, sir.

Customer: and what IS the most popular cheese 'round hyah?

Wenslydale: 'Illchester, sir.

Customer: IS it.

Wenslydale: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.

Customer: Is it.

Wenslydale: It's our number one best seller, sir!

Customer: I see. Uuh...'Illchester, eh?

Wenslydale: Right, sir.

Customer: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.

Wenslydale: I'll have a look, sir... nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.

Customer: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?

Wenslydale: Finest in the district!

Customer: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.

Wenslydale: Well, it's so clean, sir!

Customer: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese....

Wenslydale: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir.

Customer: Would it be worth it?

Wenslydale: Could be....

Customer: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BAZOUKI OFF!

Wenslydale: Told you sir....

Customer: (slowly) Have you got any Limburger?

Wenslydale: No.

Customer: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me

Wenslydale: Yessir?

Customer: Have you in fact got any cheese here at all.

Wenslydale: Yes,sir.

Customer: Really?

(pause) Wenslydale: No. Not really, sir.

Customer: You haven't.

Wenslydale: Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time,sir.

Customer: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.

Wenslydale: Right-o, sir.

The customer takes out a gun and shoots the owner.

Customer: What a *senseless* waste of human life.

Mark

Oooooooooooohhhhh the Oscar Wilde sketch, my favourite!! It's absolutely brilliant :D :D :D
Thanks Skywalker!

I've always loved the Oscar Wilde sketch.

Mark

heh! I loved that cheese sketch

I'm sure I've met shopkeepers like that too :D

Me too :D It's just so spot on w/r/t the characters, hitting the exactly right tone... really quite amazing. It wouldn't surprise me at all if it'd happened for real ;)

Caw

Wot about the parrot sketch?

You have got to post the parrot sketch.

Lady Zidane

I always felt that would be the way they would act, with trying to get "one-up" at the expense each other in front of the Prince.

Mark

I think he already did [img]smile.gif[/img]
This is not the first MP thread Skywalker's posted....

Maybe you can find it again, Mark, or find the earlier posts? [img]smile.gif[/img]

I am trying to post ones that I hadn't posted last year (I think I did post Cheese Shop last time, but since DragonMage seemed to be requesting it, I just couldn't ignore her!)

And since you DID ask for it Lady Zidane, so be it:

Dead Parrot

The cast:

MR. PRALINE
John Cleese
SHOP OWNER
Michael Palin

The sketch:

A customer enters a pet shop.
Mr. Praline: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The owner does not respond.)

Mr. Praline: 'Ello, Miss?

Owner: What do you mean "miss"?

Mr. Praline: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

Owner: We're closin' for lunch.

Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?

Mr. Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.

Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

Owner: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!

Mr. Praline: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!

Mr. Praline: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show...

(owner hits the cage)

Owner: There, he moved!

Mr. Praline: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!

Owner: I never!!

Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!

Owner: I never, never did anything...

Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

Mr. Praline: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.

Owner: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!

Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?

Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.

Mr. Praline: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.

Owner: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.

Mr. Praline: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?

Owner: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!

Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

Mr. Praline: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!

Owner: No no! 'E's pining!

Mr. Praline: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!

(pause)

Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of parrots.

Mr. Praline: I see. I see, I get the picture.

Owner: I got a slug.

(pause)

Mr. Praline: Pray, does it talk?

Owner: Nnnnot really.

Mr. Praline: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

Owner: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)

Mr. Praline: Well.

(pause)

Owner: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?

Mr. Praline: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.

Alternate ending:

Mr. Praline: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it talk?
Owner: Nnnnot really.

Mr. Praline: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

Owner: Look, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton, he'll replace the parrot for you.

Mr. Praline: Bolton, eh? Very well.

(The customer leaves.)

(The customer enters the same pet shop. The owner is putting on a false moustache.)

Mr. Praline: This is Bolton, is it?

Owner: (with a fake mustache) No, it's Ipswitch.

Mr. Praline: (looking at the camera) That's inter-city rail for you.

(Mr Praine goes to the train station. He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked "Complaints".)

Mr. Praline: I wish to complain, British-Railways Person.

Attendant: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!

Mr. Praline: I beg your pardon...?

Attendant: I'm a qualified brain surgeon! I only do this job because I like being my own boss!

Mr. Praline: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?

Attendant: Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these python files out to 150 lines, you know.

Mr. Praline: Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Bolton train and found myself deposited here in Ipswitch.

Attendant: No, this is Bolton.

Mr. Praline: (to the camera) The pet shop man's brother was lying!!

Attendant: Can't blame British Rail for that.

Mr. Praline: In that case, I shall return to the pet shop!

He does.

Mr. Praline: I understand this IS Bolton.

Owner: (still with the fake mustache) Yes?

Mr. Praline: You told me it was Ipswitch!

Owner: ...It was a pun.

Mr. Praline: (pause) A PUN?!?

Owner: No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that spells the same backwards as forwards?

Mr. Praline: (Long pause) A palindrome...?

Owner: Yeah, that's it!

Mr. Praline: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Bolton" would be "Notlob"!! It don't work!!

Owner: Well, what do you want?

Mr. Praline: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think this is getting too silly!

Sergeant-Major: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too silly... (takes customer by the arm) Come on, you, you've got to go do another sketch now! Come on... (he walks off stage left, followed by the director and cameramen, leaving the owner alone on the set)

Owner: (to the audience) Well! I never wanted to do this in the first place. I wanted to be... a lumberjack!

(he takes off his white lab coat to reveal a checkered shirt and suspenders under it)

Floating down the mighty rivers of British Columbia! With my best girl by my side!...

Sketch continues into the Lumberjack Song.

Mark

failing that, however, here it is:
[img]smile.gif[/img]

A customer enters a pet shop.

Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The owner does not respond.)

C: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
C: <pause> I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
O: We're closin' for lunch.
C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I
purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's
wrong with it!
O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
C: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking
at one right now.
O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian
Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
C: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
C: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!
(shouting at the cage)
'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if
you show...(owner hits the cage)
O: There, he moved!
C: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
O: I never!!
C: Yes, you did!
O: I never, never did anything...
C: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up
in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

C: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
O: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
C: STUNNED?!?
O: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues
stun easily, major.
C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this.
That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour
ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein'
tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
C: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why
did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
O: The Norwegian Blue prefers kippin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit,
squire? Lovely plumage!
C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home,
and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in
the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

O: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down,
it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and
VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts
through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
O: No no! 'E's pining!
C: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased
to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft
of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be
pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off
the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run
down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!
THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!

(pause)

O: Well, I'd better replace it, then.
(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
O: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're
right out of parrots.
C: I see. I see, I get the picture.
O: <pause> I got a slug.

(pause)

C: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it talk?
O: Nnnnot really.
C: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
O: Look, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton, he'll replace
the parrot for you.
C: Bolton, eh? Very well.

The customer leaves.

The customer enters the same pet shop. The owner is putting on a false
moustache.

C: This is Bolton, is it?
O: (with a fake mustache) No, it's Ipswitch.
C: (looking at the camera) That's inter-city rail for you.

The customer goes to the train station.
He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked "Complaints".

C: I wish to complain, British-Railways Person.
Attendant: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!
C: I beg your pardon...?
A: I'm a qualified brain surgeon! I only do this job because I like
being my own boss!
C: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
A: Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these python files out to 200 lines,
you know.
C: Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Bolton train and found myself
deposited here in Ipswitch.
A: No, this is Bolton.
C: (to the camera) The pet shop man's brother was lying!!
A: Can't blame British Rail for that.
C: In that case, I shall return to the pet shop!

He does.

C: I understand this IS Bolton.
O: (still with the fake mustache) Yes?
C: You told me it was Ipswitch!
O: ...It was a pun.
C: (pause) A PUN?!?
O: No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that spells the same backwards
as forwards?
C: (Long pause) A palindrome...?
O: Yeah, that's it!
C: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Bolton" would be "Notlob"!!
It don't work!!
O: Well, what do you want?
C: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think
this is getting too silly!

Sergeant-Major: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too silly...

I tried to find them via the search engine, but found nothing. :(

Maybe they are archived?

Mark

And now:

'It's the Arts' / (Interview with Sir Edward Ross)

The cast:

ANNOUNCER
Eric Idle
HOST
John Cleese
SIR EDWARD ROSS
Graham Chapman

The sketch:

Announcer: Good evening and welcome to another edition of It's the Arts. And we kick off this evening with Cinema.
Host: Good evening. One of the most prolific film directors of this age, or indeed of any age, is Sir Edward Ross, back in his native country for the first time for five years to open a season of his works at the National Film Theatre, and we are indeed fortunate to have him with us in this studio tonight.

Ross: Good evening.

Host: Edward... you don't mind if I call you Edward?

Ross: No, not at all.

Host: Because it does worry some people - I don't know why - but they are a little sensitive so I take the precaution of asking on these occasions.

Ross: No, that's fine.

Host: So Edward's all right. Splendid. I'm sorry to have brought it up.

Ross: No, no, please. Edward it is.

Host: Well thank you very much for being so helpful. And it's more than my job's worth to, er...

Ross: Yes, quite.

Host: Makes it rather difficult to establish a rapport - put the other person at his ease...

Ross: Quite.

Host: Silly little point but it does seem to matter. Still, er, least said the better. Ted, when you first started you... I hope you don't mind if I call you Ted, er, I mean as opposed to Edward?

Ross: No, no, everyone calls me Ted.

Host: Well of course it's shorter, isn't it.

Ross: Yes it is.

Host: And much less formal!

Ross: Yes, Ted, Edward or anything!

Host: Thank you. Um, incidentally, do call me Tom. I don't want you bothering with this 'Thomas' nonsense! Ha ha ha ha! Now where were we? Ah yes. Eddie Baby, when you first started in the...

Ross: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I don't like being called "Eddie Baby".

Host: What?

Ross: I don't like being called "Eddie Baby".

Host: (pause) Did I call you "Eddie Baby"?

Ross: Yes, you did! Now if you could get on with the interview...

Host: I don't think I did call you "Eddie Baby".

Ross: You did!

Host: Did I call him "Eddie Baby"?

(Audience murmurs of 'yes' etc.)

Host: I didn't really call you "Eddie Baby", did I, sweetie?

Ross: Don't call me "sweetie"!

Host: Can I call you "sugar plum"?

Ross: No.

Host: "Pussycat"?

Ross: No!

Host: "Angel drawers"?

Ross: No you may not! Get on with it!

Host: Can I call you "Frank"?

Ross: (suspiciously) Why "Frank"?

Host: It's a nice name. Richard Nixon's got a hedgehog called Frank.

Ross: What IS going on?

Host: Now Frank -- Fran -- Frannie -- little Frannie-pooh...

Ross: No. I'm leaving. I'm off. I'm going. I've never... (exits)

Host: (loudly) Tell us about your latest film, Sir Edward.

Ross: (nearly offstage) What?

Host: Tell us about your latest film, Sir Edward, if you'd be so very kind.

Ross: None of this "Pussycat" nonsense?

Host: Promise. (Pats seat next to him.) Please, Sir Edward.

Ross: My latest film?

Host: Yes, Sir Edward.

Ross: Well the idea, funnily enough, is based on an idea I had when I first joined the industry in 1919. Of course, in those days I was only the tea boy and...

Host: Oh shut up!

Mark

LMAO [img]graemlins/biglaugh.gif[/img]

Those were the good times

Anyone got the spanish inquisition?

*Big foot comes down on Skywalker*

As you wish:

The Spanish Inquisition

The cast:

MAN
Graham Chapman
WOMAN
Carol Cleveland
CARDINAL XIMINEZ
Michael Palin
CARDINAL BIGGLES
Terry Jones
CARDINAL FANG
Terry Gillam

The sketch:

Man: Trouble at mill.
Woman: Oh no - what kind of trouble?

Man: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle.

Woman: Pardon?

Man: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle.

Woman: I don't understand what you're saying.

Man: (slightly irritatedly and with exaggeratedly clear accent) One of the cross beams has gone out askew on the treddle.

Woman: Well what on earth does that mean?

Man: *I* don't know - Mr Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

(JARRING CHORD - The door flies open and Cardinal Ximinez of Spain enters, flanked by two junior cardinals. Cardinal Biggles has goggles pushed over his forehead. Cardinal Fang is just Cardinal Fang)

Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is suprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again. (Exit and exeunt)

Man: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

(JARRING CHORD - The cardinals burst in)

Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn! (To Cardinal Biggles) I can't say it - you'll have to say it.

Biggles: What?

Ximinez: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...'

Biggles: (rather horrified) I couldn't do that...

(Ximinez bundles the cardinals outside again)

Man: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

(JARRING CHORD - The cardinals enter)

Biggles: Er.... Nobody...um....

Ximinez: Expects...

Biggles: Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Spanish...um...

Ximinez: Inquisition.

Biggles: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect -

Ximinez: Our chief weapons are...

Biggles: Our chief weapons are...um...er...

Ximinez: Surprise...

Biggles: Surprise and --

Ximinez: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! ...our chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. Cardinal, read the charges.

Fang: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Church. 'My old man said follow the--'

Biggles: That's enough. (To woman) Now, how do you plead?

Woman: We're innocent.

Ximinez: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

(Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER')

Biggles: We'll soon change your mind about that!

(Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL ACTING')

Ximinez: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- (controls himself with a supreme effort) Ooooh! Now, Cardinal -- the rack!

(Biggles produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Ximinez looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger)

Ximinez: You....Right! Tie her down.

(Fang and Biggles make a pathetic attempt to tie her on to the drying rack)

Ximinez: Right! How do you plead?

Woman: Innocent.

Ximinez: Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack (oh dear) give the rack a turn.

(Biggles stands their awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders)

Biggles: I....

Ximinez: (gritting his teeth) I *know*, I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.

Biggles: I...

Ximinez: It makes it all seem so stupid.

Biggles: Shall I...?

Ximinez: No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!

(Biggles turns an imaginary handle on the side of the rack. The doorbell rings. the man detaches himself from scene and answers it. Outside there is a dapper BBC man with a suit and a beard, slightly arty.)

Monty Python... what can I truley say about it?

...

It's funny :D

*everyone says: "duh!" *

Well it's not like you can say anything else about it!

"how about witty? Perspicateouse, Humorouse?"

"How about no..."

"it's no too! no and a little yes :D "

"...that it is..."

"it is?"

"yes..."

"ah yes a little yes and some no too..."

"...ok"

"oh it's that too!"

"indeed!"

"In what deed?"