after a year of trying to love a survivor of repeated rapes and sexual abuse, now it is over.

God knows I tried everything. I gave her my heart, and it broke into tiny little pieces the more n more I grew attached to her. no amount of love can ease her pain, and change her cynic view towards me. till today, there is no more place for another scar. it is over, and I am soaking with all the pain and tears. it hurts so much.

You gave it your best shot Leo. Nothing more you can do. If it's any consolation I was in a similar situation. We can't always heal the ones we love. In the process, by loving them, we become vulnerable to hurting us.

The thing to ask yourself, is are YOU a better person as a result? What have you learned about yourself? About life? You can take what you've learned into the next relationship. Into the way you deal with people/

I dearly hope the pain is bearable Leo. You're a great guy. Take comfort in the knowledge that many of us have walked the path you're facing at the moment. God bless you Leo.

Hugh

thanks Hugh, I am a better person there is not doubt. but it hurts SO MUCH. too much...

Oh, 250, I am sorry; I had no idea. I must commend you for trying and giving of yourself, but I think this is a situation that will require her to receive the kind of help that you cannot provide. Sexual abuse in any form is a horrific and scarring experience. It would be wonderful if just having someone love the victim unconditionally would be enough for healing to take place, but this is pretty unrealistic. Not knowing the details of the nature and longevity of her abuse it is hard to say, but usually this kind of thing necessitates years of professional help to have any chance at being able to be in a normal relationship. Even then, the scars are lifelong and do not ever go away. Rape, sexual abuse, whatever form it takes damages the soul. I hope you friend will get the help she needs if she isn't already.

I also hope that you are not thinking that you did anything wrong. This is just an incredibly big problem. Regardless of the circumstances, victims tend to blame themselves and hate themselves for what has happened to them. And they have feelings of unworthiness to have someone love them. Perhaps in time and with help, she will be ready to receive the love someone has for her.

I am sure you are hurting about this; she probably is too. It would be nice if "love conquers all," but the unfortunate truth is it doesn't.

250, you will be in my thoughts as well as she will.

*hugs*

Leo, I'm so sorry... my sympathies to you *big hug*
Take good care of yourself

Reeka and Yorick, those are amazing posts - I could not possibly add anything to that... so thanks for writing something that actually gives a better idea of what I would like to say than anything I could say myself.

My heart goes out to you Leo. I have seen similar circumstances and even seen offenders get off lightly. People don't understand the damage that has been caused.

You are a special person to have given your heart to this girl and I'm sorry that it all did not end well.

Aviendha.

thanks Reeka and Melusine... the pain makes me think life is unbearable. God knows I dont want to leave her like that, I dont want her to be lonely. but there is no way I can continue this. it will only cause me more pain, sigh. thanks everybody

250, I'm so sorry. I saw some of how you were feeling, and what you did - you not only tried to love her, you did love her. I hope you'll be okay *hugs*

<font color=skyblue>250, ever since I heard about it...I don't remember how long ago or what thread, I have been changed in the way I view my own life and those I love...most importantly, what would I ever do in a similar situation. Your example of strength and devotion to her has been for me very important. There are people on this forum that will attest to the truth of those words.

I know you worked harder than alot of other men would have in your situation, and you are honored for your effort. Apparently, she is not wanting to let go of the past. (I imagine that it is almost impossible to do so).She (to me) does not want to be healed at the moment.

Damn...I hope that sounds right...

I suffer greatly the thoughts of what might occur, daily. It has made me nearly crazy. Knowing only a little of your related history has caused me to strive for home and family protection...maybe to the extreme...but not in my mind.

All I can say is, you tried your best to show her you wanted to help, and if she refused to see it, then you cannot be blamed. Please sleep peacefully now.</font>

[ 05-26-2002, 08:28 PM: Message edited by: Larry_OHF ]

sigh, you guys are so passionate. thanks

Unfortunately, some things can just not be heald from without...they must be healed from within, all we can do is be there when we are needed. Sorry to hear of your pain guy :(

Leo I'm glad to see you again. You cannot torture yourself forever.....Paul

Leo! :D I hope you're back with us from now on [img]smile.gif[/img]

Sorry to hear it did not end as you had hoped [img]graemlins/verysad.gif[/img] . The others have all said what I wanted to say, so I'll just add here that you're truly a terrific guy. Take care and see you around [img]graemlins/happywave.gif[/img]

PS. I still kinda miss Tsang ;) [img]tongue.gif[/img]

Hey 250, I'm so sorry to hear this, but I hope you can get through the pain and be a stronger person from the experience. You did what you could and shouldn't feel it was your fault that things didn't work out. Sometimes things don't work out the way we'd like them to, but you did your best. God Bless you, Leo.

Hey 250, good to have you back with us, even if it is on such poor occasion..
I think all of us at Ironworks knows how hard you tried, and nobody can fault you for not giving everything you could. We all know you've suffered more than your fair share for this girl, and you've for sure got my support. I'm sure most of the guys on Ironworks have been there before dude, and we're more than willing to help one of our own in the hard times. Keep your head up dude! You've been missed in your absence!

Reading all the replies I am reminded of one of the more serious scenes in Forest Gump... the one where Jenny is throwing rocks at her old house and unable to open herself up to Forest, or to let go of the pain and abuse that was her childhood.

"I guess sometimes there just aren't enough rocks" is a line that will stay with me for the rest of my life. In your case 250, the reality may be that she never finds enough rocks. She surely acknowledges on some level that you care - if she happens to find a solution over the coming years I am sure she will come to appreciate your efforts all the more.

"Moving on" is hard, and the most difficult step is to recognise when something is not going to be. Courage my friend, and be aware that there are those out here who wish you well.

Leo, I'm very sorry that after all you've tried to do things didn't work out 'right' [img]graemlins/dropatear.gif[/img]
I'm also glad to see you back on IW again, even if it's just to update us on your (and her) situaton.

I admire your strength. Stay tough. [img]graemlins/imtough.gif[/img]

Leo,
You did so much, tried so hard to help her, more than most people would have done. But as others have said, there is nothing more you could have done. I hope she seeks help to heal, and is one day able to accept love.
Console yourself knowing you did all you could. Some things are just not meant to be. Have a good cry, and move on. You will smile again [img]smile.gif[/img]
Laura

Leo, I'm sorry to hear that, mate. It's probably not what you want to hear right now, but that which doesn't break you, makes you stronger.

My (ex) girlfriend said something to me once - every relationship you get into, good or bad, long or short, is teaching you something about the person you will one day spend the rest of your life with. As long as you learn from this then it won't be a waste - it will make you stronger and it would have taught you about what you are/are not looking for in that special person who is out there.

It's not the end of the world - life is all about learning. It's just unfortunate that some of the lessons are painful at the time - but you will look back on this in years to come and will realize how valuable the experience was to your life - the good things, the bad things, the whole package. You're a strong person, Leo - you WILL get through this.

Look after yourself, mate. [img]smile.gif[/img]

Good to see you back 250, I'm sorry it is over and that it didn't work out. Hang in there.

I'm sorry to hear it 250. I wish that I could make a beautiful post like some of the others have, but I can't. At least you did your best and tried, nothing more can be demanded of you. I hope that the pain passes soon. Glad to see you back amongst us.

From what I heard and read you did all you could, no one could ask anymore more of you. I wondered why you had such a short fuse in debates, but it turns out that you had very good reasons. Please forgive my hasty opinion of your character and for not sticking up for you when I could have. You seem to be a brave and selfless person, who did all he could do in a relationship. Don't be too hard on yourself, you don't deserve it.

Well Leo, I won't claim to know how exactly how you feel, because that would be a lie, but I think we have all seen how hard you have tried and how perseverant you have been through these times, as we have noticed, and I'm turly sorry that things did not work out for you.
I hope things start to look up for you.

Chris

im very sorry to hear that. i hope you will feel better soon. i think *that* kind of sexual abuse is by far the lowest and most disgusting crime.

thanks everyone for the much needed support. and memnoch, how wise you said that. it also reminded what Thomas Moore said "failure
to love is one of the best opportunity to discover oneself"

gosh, she said some nasty things to me. but I am not in so much pain as yesterday. there is no place for me in her life. I am not relieved, instead, I feel sad. sad to leave her like that. but you are right, there is nothing more I can do.

kinda remind me when Drizzt killed the elf girl in disguse in Sea of the Sword.

Drizzt said he felt sad. and Brueoner said "one less friend me has if ye don't"

sigh, guess I am home.

250, I was sorry to hear this. Glad you're feeling a little better. Remember that you need time to heal too. The grief you are feeling at the moment shows how much you loved and cared for her. I wish there was some way to make it easier, but words are never enough. Take care of yourself for a while mate.
Derek.

Plenty more fish in the sea. And just remember, it ain't no one's fault. That leads to the blame game, and NO ONE benefits from that.

Horatio: Student, unmarried, AND LOVING IT, BABY! :D

Hey, a fellow Savaltore reader!