<font color=Orange><h3>Success</h3>

At age 5, success is not peeing your pants.
At age 16, success is being able to drive a car.
At age 20, success is having sex.
At age 30, success is having money.
At age 50, success is having money.
At age 60, success is having sex.
At age 70, success is being able to drive a car.
At age 80, success is not peeing your pants.
(note how it reverses!)

<h3>The 4 Stages of Life</h3>
1. You believe in Santa Clause.
2. You don't believe in Santa Clause.
3. You think like Santa Clause.
4. You look like Santa Clause.

<h3>Knitting</h3>
A police officer was driving around on his patrols, when he saw a blonde woman knitting while she was driving (no offence to blondes!!!!). He started going after her and he turned his sirens on. Then he yelled through his blow-horn "PULLOVER!". The blonde replied "NO IT'S A SCARF!".

<h3>Space Adventures!</h3>
An American, a Russian and a Blonde woman were having a discussion about space achievments. The Russian said "We were the first to make it into space!". The American said "Well, we were the first to land on the moon!". The blonde then said "Oh ya? WE will be the first to land on the sun!". The Russian said "You can't land on the sun! You'll burn up!". The blonde replied "We aren't stupid you know! We are going to do it at night!!!!" (no offence to blondes intended again)</font>

[ 05-13-2002, 06:46 PM: Message edited by: Sir Goulum ]

I'm 27 and can't drive a car. Doesn't mean i'm not succesfull.

<font color=Orange>Ah true JR, but success is also, at age 4, not peeing your pants! I assume you don't do THAT anymore!</font>

Uhm :embarrassed:, whem i'm really, really, really, really drunk :D .

[ 05-13-2002, 06:49 PM: Message edited by: the new JR Jansen ]

<font color=Orange>*Tries to stifle a laugh* LOL! I'm sorry but that is hilarious! It really is.</font>

Thought you might like it.

<font color="lawngreen" face="trebuchet MS">I do like the success one..... The kniting one was ok as well [img]smile.gif[/img] but I have heard the space on before [img]graemlins/biglaugh.gif[/img] </font>

Took this one from one of the joke boards (Ezboard):

how to clean a cat
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1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).

CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any surface they can find.

The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three to four times. This provides "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself.

Why do farts smell? For the benefit of deaf people.

Sir Goulum really is a complete ass! (no offense to Sir Goulum of course!) :D

Whats brown and sticky
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A Stick

[ 05-14-2002, 08:36 AM: Message edited by: Daniel ]

Q. What do you call a fly without wings?
A. A walk

<font color="gold">LOL! All these jokes are great! Though I have no good ones myself. [img]smile.gif[/img]

Aviendha, [img]graemlins/evillaughter1.gif[/img] </font>

What do you get when you cross a nun with a PC?
A computer that'll never go down on you.

Lol, Downunda [img]graemlins/laugh2.gif[/img]

Here is a favourite of mine (It's the cut down version)

--The Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse--

One day the Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse knocked on the gate of the king of Englands Castle.

A few moments later a guard answered, he looked at the Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse and said "This is the castle of the king of England who are you?".

The Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse got down off his horse and said "I am the Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse, and I want to see the King"

The guard looked at him for a while and said "Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse, I will ask the king if he will grant you an audience".

The guard went through the castle and to the kings throne room. "King of England" he said "The Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse is here to see you". The king turned to the guard and said "Tell the Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse that he may speak with me".

The guard returned to the Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse and said "Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse, the king has allowed you to see him, follow me".

So the Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse followed the guard to the throne room and went and stood befor the king.

"Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse what is it that you want from me" said the King. The Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse bowed before the king and said "I the Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse have come to ask for you daughters hand in Marriage".

The king sat quietly to ponder the knights request for a few minutes and then said "Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse I will grant you my daughters hand in marriage if you get me the Shield of Glory from my Enemy the King of Wales".

The red and white knight on a black and white horse replied "I the Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse will fetch you the sheild of Glory and then return for you daughter".

The Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse then left the castle and remounted on his trusty steed.

The Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse spent many weeks traveling to the King of Wales castle but finally arrived.

when he arrivd Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse knocked on the gate of the king of Wales Castle.

A few moments later a guard answered, he looked at the Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse and said "This is the castle of the king of wales who are you?".

The Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse got down off his horse and said "I am the Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse, and I want to see the King"

The guard looked at him for a while and said "Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse, I will ask the king if he will grant you an audience".

The guard went through the castle and to the kings throne room. "King of Wales" he said "The Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse is here to see you". The king turned to the guard and said "Tell the Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse that he may speak with me".

The guard returned to the Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse and said "Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse, the king has allowed you to see him, follow me".

So the Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse followed the guard to the throne room and went and stood before the king.

"Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse what is it that you want from me" said the King. The Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse bowed before the king and said "I the Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse have come to ask for you for the Sheild of Glory".

The king sat quietly to ponder the knights request for a few minutes and then said "Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse I give you the Sheild of Glory If you get me the sword of might from my enemy the King of".

The red and white knight on a black and white horse replied "I the Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse will fetch you the Sword of Might In exchange for the Sheild of Glory".

The Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse then left the castle and remounted on his trusty steed.

The Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse spent many weeks traveling to the King of Scotlands castle but finally arrived.

when he finally arrived the Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse knocked on the gate of the king of Scotlands Castle.

A few moments later a guard answered, he looked at the Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse and said "This is the castle of the king of Scotland who are you?".

The Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse got down off his horse and said "I am the Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse, and I want to see the King"

The guard looked at him for a while and said "Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse, I will ask the king if he will grant you an audience".

The guard went through the castle and to the kings throne room. "King of Scotland" he said "The Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse is here to see you". The king turned to the guard and said "Tell the Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse that he may speak with me".

The guard returned to the Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse and said "Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse, the king has allowed you to see him, follow me".

So the Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse followed the guard to the throne room and went and stood before the king.

"Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse what is it that you want from me" said the King. The Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse bowed before the king and said "I the Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse have come to ask for the sword of might".

The king sat quietly to ponder the knights request for a few minutes and then said "Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse I will give you the sword of might if you fetch me the helm of power from my enemy the king of Ireland".

The red and white knight on a black and white horse replied "I the Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse will fetch you the helm of power in exchange for the sword of might".

The Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse then left the castle and remounted on his trusty steed.

The Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse spent many weeks traveling to the King of Irelands castle but finally arrived.

One day the Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse knocked on the gate of the king of Irelands Castle.

A few moments later a guard answered, he looked at the Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse and said "This is the castle of the king of Ireland who are you?".

The Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse got down off his horse and said "I am the Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse, and I want to see the King"

The guard looked at him for a while and said "Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse, I will ask the king if he will grant you an audience".

The guard went through the castle and to the kings throne room. "King of Ireland" he said "The Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse is here to see you". The king turned to the guard and said "Tell the Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse that he may speak with me".

The guard returned to the Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse and said "Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse, the king has allowed you to see him, follow me".

So the Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse followed the guard to the throne room and went and stood befor the king.

"Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse what is it that you want from me" said the King. The Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse bowed before the king and said "I the Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse have come to ask for the Helm of Power".

The king sat quietly to ponder the knights request for a few minutes and then said "Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse I will will give you my helm but only if you slay the Black and Blue Dragon with Green and Pink wings".

The red and white knight on a black and white horse replied "I the Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse will slay the Black and Blue dragon with the green and pink wings".

The Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse then left the castle and remounted on his trusty steed.

The Red and White Knight on a Black and White Horse travelled south to the lair of the Black and blue Dragon with the Green and pink wings.

After fighting for several days with the Black and Blue dragon with the Blue and Pink wings, The Red and White Knight on a Black and White horse finally slew the beast.

The Red and White Knight on a Black and White horse travelled all the way back to the King of Irelands castle.

When he arrived he knocked on the gate. A few minutes later the guard appeared. "Red and White Knight on a Black and White horse, have you completed your quest?".

The Red and White Knight on a Black and White horse replied "I The Red and White Knight on a Black and White horse have defeated the Evil Black and Blue Dragon with the green and pink wings, and wish to see the king".

"Follow me" then said the guard, and he led The Red and White Knight on a Black and White horse to the kings throne room.

The king looked at The Red and White Knight on a Black and White horse and said "Red and White Knight on a Black and White horse, have you slain the evil Black and blue Dragon with the Green and Pink wings?"

"Yes I The Red and White Knight on a Black and White horse have slain the dragon" said the knight.

"Then here is the Helm of Power" and the king gave the helm of power to The Red and White Knight on a Black and White horse.

The Red and White Knight on a Black and White horse left the Castle of the King of Ireland and and set off back to the king of scotlands Castle.

When he arrived he knocked on the gate. A few minutes later the guard appeared. "Red and White Knight on a Black and White horse, have you completed your quest?".

The Red and White Knight on a Black and White horse replied "I The Red and White Knight on a Black and White horse have the helm of power, and wish to see the king".

"Follow me" then said the guard, and he led The Red and White Knight on a Black and White horse to the kings throne room.

The king looked at The Red and White Knight on a Black and White horse and said "Red and White Knight on a Black and White horse, have you got the helm of power?"

"Yes I The Red and White Knight on a Black and White horse have the helm of power.

"Then here is the sword of might" and the king gave the sword of might to The Red and White Knight on a Black and White horse.

The Red and White Knight on a Black and White horse left the Castle of the King of scotland and and set off back to the king of wales Castle.

When he arrived he knocked on the gate. A few minutes later the guard appeared. "Red and White Knight on a Black and White horse, have you completed your quest?".

The Red and White Knight on a Black and White horse replied "I The Red and White Knight on a Black and White horse have the Sword of Might, and wish to see the king".

"Follow me" then said the guard, and he led The Red and White Knight on a Black and White horse to the kings throne room.

The king looked at The Red and White Knight on a Black and White horse and said "Red and White Knight on a Black and White horse, do you have the Sword of might?"

"Yes I The Red and White Knight on a Black and White horse have the Sword of might.

"Then here is the Sheild of Glory" and the king gave the Sheild of glory to The Red and White Knight on a Black and White horse.

The Red and White Knight on a Black and White horse left the Castle of the King of Wales and and set off back to the king of Englands Castle.

When he arrived he knocked on the gate. A few minutes later the guard appeared. "Red and White Knight on a Black and White horse, have you completed your quest?".

The Red and White Knight on a Black and White horse replied "I The Red and White Knight on a Black and White horse have the Sheild of Glory, and wish to see the king".

"Follow me" then said the guard, and he led The Red and White Knight on a Black and White horse to the kings throne room.

The king looked at The Red and White Knight on a Black and White horse and said "Red and White Knight on a Black and White horse, Do you have the shield of Glory?"

"Yes I The Red and White Knight on a Black and White horse have slain the evil dragon to get the Helm of Power to get the Sword of Might to get the Shield of Glory, so can I now marry you daughter".

And the King replied "No".

What do you call a cow with no legs?
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Ground beef!

Sir Goulum really is a complete ass! (no offense to Sir Goulum of course!) :D </font>[/QUOTE]<font color=Orange>I'm no ass! Or do you mean I'm a donkey?</font>

lol to all these jokes...and dont bother reading Daniels :D

OK, how about this sad joke...

A man took his dog to the vet because it was crosseyed. The Vet picked up the dog, looked into it's eyes, then turned it around and looked under it's tail. Finally, the Vet very seriously told the man "I'm afraid I'm going to have to put the dog down Sir!"
The man was devestated! He said "but he's just crosseyed, why do you have to put him down?", and the vet said....
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Because he's bloody heavy! [img]graemlins/biglaugh.gif[/img]

After last time, I refuse to read through that again (eventhough I couldn't remember the 'punchline') [img]tongue.gif[/img]

50 fun things to do in Wal-mart; (EDITED)

Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.

Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.

Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".

Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."

As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"

Put M&M's on layaway.

Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.

When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"

Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"

Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

Take bets on the battle described above.

Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

Hold indoor shopping cart races.

Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."

Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"

Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

"Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

<font color=Orange>Staralfur....LOL! Those are great!</font>

[img]graemlins/blownup.gif[/img]

Oh K. IT ISN'T real funny but :Did you know that you'll be smarter than Albert Einstien when you graduate???
Heres why:HE'S DEAD!

Which one? lol [img]smile.gif[/img]

[ 05-15-2002, 09:42 PM: Message edited by: Daniel ]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."