Here's an interesting article in response to a letter I found.

Dear Curt,
I just ended a six-month relationship because the person whom I believed to be the man of my dreams turned out to be a cheater. At this point in my life, I have given up all hope in men.

It's unfortunate, but six out of the eight men that I've dated were unfaithful to me. I must admit that being a victim of unfaithfulness is very stressful and has caused me a lot of pain. Regrettably, I've come to the same conclusion that most women already know: men cheat because they're pigs.

Curt, are men really just evil pigs controlled by their one-eyed monsters, or is there any hope in my ever finding a man who does not cheat?

Regards,
Jennifer, the pig herder

what goes around comes around



Jennifer, I have one question for you: Have you ever tried dating women? You'd be surprised to see that the grass isn't greener on the other team's playing field. As hard as it may be for you to fathom, women cheat too. So instead of making this a gender war or comparing one another to farm animals, we should seek to understand why people cheat.

How would you feel if I told you that your man cheated on you because you are an ugly, overweight, boring, lousy lover who can't get anything right and even though your man tried to make things work, your old-fashioned, sexually stubborn self never agreed to compromise? Ouch! That sounds pretty harsh. It's just a lot easier to call a man a pig.

The same applies to men. It is a lot easier for a man to call his adulteress ex-wife a bitch, than it is to admit that maybe she cheated on him because he spent more time with his friends at strip clubs, watching sports all night, playing video games, and masturbating to pornography.

open your eyes


The problem is that sometimes people are quick to point the finger at others rather than analyze why the individual cheated. Maybe your own actions had a big role in pushing the other to the brink of temptation.

By blaming and labeling others, it inevitably hinders people from looking deeper into the problem and trying to resolve it before it recurs with another mate.

The common belief is, I'm not a bad person. I don't need to change, I'm not the one who cheated. The result is that the whole process repeats itself without being rectified, which is probably why so many men and women complain about having been cheated on in so many relationships.

So why do people cheat?

the answer is...

So if we opt to be monogamous, why do we ultimately cheat? The answer is quite simple. People do not cheat because they're pigs, sows, bitches, or dogs. It all comes down to two basic drives: the physical sexual drive and the emotional need.

People usually cheat because there is a conflict between their physical and emotional desires. By accepting and understanding these shortcomings -- instead of ignoring them -- we can hopefully work harder to make sure that our partners are satisfied enough to resist any instinctual sexual urge.

a prisoner of your instincts

The question you have to ask yourself is which drive is stronger, and which one has a bigger influence in your life. In general, each person is different, but it is generally the physical sexual drive that dominates a person's actions.

Why? Because this drive has been present in human behavior for millions of years. Whereas the emotional monogamous need has only been around for a few thousand years, obviously a few thousand years of emotional needs will not overcome millions of years of one's evolutionary sexual drive.

Throughout history, men have argued that it is in their biological nature to desire multiple partners. Over time, we have evolved towards taking a partner in order to help raise our children and enforce a set of moral codes that contradict our stronger physical needs.

Humans are not monogamous by nature and when we ultimately choose to be faithful without the right conditions in place, we are setting ourselves up for failure and disappointment.

Once we can accept that 10,000 years of social monogamous behavior cannot supersede millions of years of physical evolution, only then can we learn to work around our weaknesses.

beaver-built dams



We exist as human beings on two levels: with bodies (physical instinct) -- the stronger of the two (according to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs) -- and minds (emotional needs). In order to understand how physical instincts and emotional needs interrelate, we need to make a few comparisons.

Imagine that the sexual physical instinct of a person (both men and women) is the sheer brute force of natural flowing water (one of the hardest elements to contain), and the only thing that can control it is a super dam. The dam represents the human's decision to become monogamous. It will only work if the dam's foundation is built strong enough. If there are any cracks or weaknesses, the "water" will eventual break through the "dam."

In short, humans have set very difficult (but attainable) objectives for themselves by choosing to be monogamous. Therefore, in order to contain our sexual drives, we need to ensure that the emotional support toward our lifetime partner is strong enough to keep our primitive instinctual urges from surfacing.

So what are these conditions that will keep the dam strong? In order to ensure a stable relationship, you must tend to all of the following reasons why people stray...

1. Physical Drive



No longer finding partner sexy or attractive
Try to stay in shape or at least maintain the same shape you had when you first met your partner. Working out together is a great way to spend time together while keeping each other physically fit and appealing.

Sex may be readily available with another
Do not deprive your spouse of his or her sexual needs -- even when you don't "feel like it" or have a headache.

Current partner is unavailable for sex
Try to avoid spending long periods of time away from one another. Being out of town on a business trip for a few weeks isn't so bad, but letting the few weeks become months will inevitably lead to temptation.

No sexual variety
Changing your sexual routine and ensuring an array of adventurous sexual delicacies will keep your partner wanting more and wondering what will be next, instead of thinking of someone else.

Less sex
The more sex you have and the more satisfied you are, the less likely you'll go out looking for more.


2. Emotional Needs



No longer feeling accepted, desired by another
You could be having all the sex in the world, but if you don't feel accepted, respected, desired, adored, loved, or worshipped, you will always be looking for that person who will give you all these things. And when that person comes along, you might be tempted by their warm, fuzzy fruit.

The challenge is not exciting and boredom sets in
The sex is fun, you're physically stimulated, but you are not emotionally stirred. And the whole mood, scene or companionship can become boring. Take part in exciting activities together in order to keep the thrill in your social life.

Fulfilling something perceived to be missing in current relationship
Just because you're satisfied, that does not mean your partner is. The only way you're going to know this is by communicating with one another. Couples should spend a few hours a week talking about their relationship, both the positives and the negatives. Remember, your doctor does not know that there is something wrong with you unless you tell him. How can your mate help if you don't discuss things?

there is no eternal bliss



When a person succumbs to temptation, they might forget what attracted them to their partner in the first place, and lose sight of the chemistry and infatuation they once experienced for that person. It is a delusion to believe that a relationship should always progress smoothly on the road to eternal bliss. However, focusing on the negative will lead one to perceive that they are so miserable that they seek to fulfill their needs elsewhere.

Cheating is simple; a relationship is more complicated. Cheating usually offers instant gratification, physically and emotionally. A relationship requires lots of maintenance. Giving it care and attention along with trust and communication will continuously help both people grow.

If you become involved with another person, you owe it to yourself and your spouse to be honest. Creating lie upon lie will only hurt everyone involved. Take a close look at your relationship before seeking happiness with another person.

Also, remember that the new person will require just as much maintenance. No matter how green the grass looks, eventually it will need to be grained, fertilized and trimmed or before you know it, you'll have weeds all over the place. Something to think about the next time that pretty girl at the office smiles at you.

Wow, and I thought this would be a thread devoted to making men apoligise for other members of the gender.

i'll just say this: all stereotypes anger me and are mostly false. I, for one, would never cheat on a relationship, and anyone who thinks i would merely because I'm a man needs to get his or her head on straight. I'm a farily level-headed guy, except for a few instances, and any woman who says "All men are pigs" is no better than a man saying that all women are cold and heartless. We are not one unit; we are not Borg, we are human and each of us have individual personalities and values.

That's quite a good article
And I too hate those boring old stereotypes that both men and women use, they are really pathetic...sure sometimes they are correct but far from always.

yeah,sure,men cheat.but who are they cheating WITH? the female of the species is just as guilty as men.

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by SSJ4Sephiroth:
i'll just say this: all stereotypes anger me and are mostly false. I, for one, would never cheat on a relationship, and anyone who thinks i would merely because I'm a man needs to get his or her head on straight. I'm a farily level-headed guy, except for a few instances, and any woman who says "All men are pigs" is no better than a man saying that all women are cold and heartless. We are not one unit; we are not Borg, we are human and each of us have individual personalities and values.<hr></blockquote>

Yeah, Sephiroth is right, and I know I sure wouldn't cheat while in a relationship if I really loved the person.
What I hate is that damn show called 'Temptation Island.'
It is one of the most stupid shows in existence, and the people taking part, what is wrong with them???
They have to stay on separate parts of an island, and the men are on one side with loads of attractive, available women and vice versa on the womens side.
Sorry, but if you really love the person, you can keep your hands off someone else just because they're there and your partner isn't.
Isn't a strong relationship more important than some cheap sexual intercourse on a stupid gameshow??

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by khazadman:
yeah,sure,men cheat.but who are they cheating WITH? the female of the species is just as guilty as men.<hr></blockquote>

Very true.

I'm only a lurker anymore but I felt I should comment on this thread.
The response has a good idea, but a number of holes in their theory. A partner will still cheat on you even if you do fullfill all phsyical and emotional needs for them. Some people are just apathetic, some don't think they'll get caught, and some don't even view it as wrong. There are a lot of reasons for someone to cheat and a good majority of them are not to be blamed on your partner. I mean even if you are getting urges to cheat on your signifigant other, that should be a clue to either let them know and try to work something out, or break up. There's no excuse for telling somone how much you care about them and all that, and then turning around and cheating on them. Having physical desires for someone else is natural and healthy, but acting on them and violating the trust between you and your partner is completely unacceptable no matter what the reasons.

[ 03-04-2002: Message edited by: AzRaeL StoRmBlaDe ]</p>

I have been married for going on 9 years this May and I have never had the urge to cheat on my wife at all. We even spent a year apart because of my job and her school and yet I still remained faithful. Why? Because I took our marrige vows and plan to stick to them. If I don't them I am a liar. I stood up infront of my family and hers and swore that I would stay faithful and I will. If you can't take the vows and keep them then be honest and don't take them. I think most of these affairs start because people are self centered and don't think about the other person. I have worked with people who use the "It's the nature of man to have multiple partners" idea to ease their mind when involved in an affair but it comes down to this. If you are self centered and a liar don't take the vows. It has nothing to do with what someone did 10,000,000 years ago. It has to do with what you decide today.

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Talthyr Malkaviel:


Yeah, Sephiroth is right, and I know I sure wouldn't cheat while in a relationship if I really loved the person.
What I hate is that damn show called 'Temptation Island.'
It is one of the most stupid shows in existence, and the people taking part, what is wrong with them???
They have to stay on separate parts of an island, and the men are on one side with loads of attractive, available women and vice versa on the womens side.
Sorry, but if you really love the person, you can keep your hands off someone else just because they're there and your partner isn't.
Isn't a strong relationship more important than some cheap sexual intercourse on a stupid gameshow??<hr></blockquote>

Yeah, I detest that show and FOX for airing it. It's as if they're profiting from the loss of values in America, most prominently loyalty. Why would anyone throw away their relationship for some floozy that's being paid to seduce them? Many words come to mind when I wish to describe them, though unfortunately none of them seem appropriate for this forum...

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by SSJ4Sephiroth:
i'll just say this: all stereotypes anger me and are mostly false. I, for one, would never cheat on a relationship, and anyone who thinks i would merely because I'm a man needs to get his or her head on straight. I'm a farily level-headed guy, except for a few instances, and any woman who says "All men are pigs" is no better than a man saying that all women are cold and heartless. We are not one unit; we are not Borg, we are human and each of us have individual personalities and values.<hr></blockquote>

I agree wholeheartedly. IF somebody comes up to me and tells me I'm a pig or whatever beause I'm a man they can expect to be in DEEP shit

so 6 out of 8 men cheated on her? whoopee! well that's a good smaple of the billions of menonthe planet isn't it?

as the other guy said maybe she was as much the problem as those guiys

And as for cheating, yes, womendo it as well. but not ALL of them ,just as not ALL men do this

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Lord Shield:


I agree wholeheartedly. IF somebody comes up to me and tells me I'm a pig or whatever beause I'm a man they can expect to be in DEEP shit

so 6 out of 8 men cheated on her? whoopee! well that's a good smaple of the billions of menonthe planet isn't it?

as the other guy said maybe she was as much the problem as those guiys

And as for cheating, yes, womendo it as well. but not ALL of them ,just as not ALL men do this<hr></blockquote>

I hate generalisations. I don't think her survey was very sound, statistically speaking. She should have had a far wider data pool before making any statistical statement on her findings. I think perhaps a randomly generated sample of say, 3000 men? [img]graemlins/biglaugh.gif[/img]

Great comments!

I was worried that some might take mild offense to articles like this. I'm pleased that it's stirred interest. I have a couple others I'll post to see what you think.

I don't know if all men are pigs, and I doubt it. But I certainly am...
I am such a useless idiot and I spoil the best of friendships...
I am a hazard to those that care for me and a bane to the general public. I am pig, I look like one and act more so like one.
No I am not PINK and I can't fly.
I have no talents save being stupid....

:( :( :(

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Epona:


I hate generalisations. I don't think her survey was very sound, statistically speaking. She should have had a far wider data pool before making any statistical statement on her findings. I think perhaps a randomly generated sample of say, 3000 men? [img]graemlins/biglaugh.gif[/img] <hr></blockquote>

If she takes a sample of 1024 she will be 97% likely to be able to construct a confidence interval of 95% showing whether or not men cheat. (I think, its been a while since I did Stats properly)

There... wasn't that interesting...

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Avatar:
I don't know if all men are pigs, and I doubt it. But I certainly am...
I am such a useless idiot and I spoil the best of friendships...
I am a hazard to those that care for me and a bane to the general public. I am pig, I look like one and act more so like one.
No I am not PINK and I can't fly.
I have no talents save being stupid....

:( :( :( <hr></blockquote>

Ummmmmmmm..........Don't sweat it! Say 1000 Hail Marys and try better in the future! ;)

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Sir Kenyth:


Ummmmmmmm..........Don't sweat it! Say 1000 Hail Marys and try better in the future! ;) <hr></blockquote>

Absolutely, mistakes are only truly worthless if you fail to learn from them...

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Epona:


Absolutely, mistakes are only truly worthless if you fail to learn from them...<hr></blockquote>

But I really do hope it is the last time... love makes us different

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by SSJ4Sephiroth:
i'll just say this: all stereotypes anger me and are mostly false. I, for one, would never cheat on a relationship, and anyone who thinks i would merely because I'm a man needs to get his or her head on straight. I'm a farily level-headed guy, except for a few instances, and any woman who says "All men are pigs" is no better than a man saying that all women are cold and heartless. We are not one unit; we are not Borg, we are human and each of us have individual personalities and values.<hr></blockquote>

Hehe Actually I think you are wrong on one account..Stereotypes are frequently all to correct and on the money, the problem is treating INDIVIDUALS as ther stereotype..any individual may not fit the stereotype and should be treated as an unknown quantity, however if the sho fits...then the stereo type is true. I wont go into which ones are accurate and which ones aren't Ill just say...they exist for a reason and stereotypes just dont pop into existance from thin air.

Throughout history, men have argued that it is in their biological nature to desire multiple partners. Over time, we have evolved towards taking a partner in order to help raise our children and enforce a set of moral codes that contradict our stronger physical needs.

I've only seen it argued by a very few dissipates and scientists, the latter wishing they were the former. ;) As far as "our stronger physical needs" are concerned, there isn't a shred of scientific evidence for the greater "sexual need" of men, anymore than there was the medieval conclusion that women had a greater need. IMHO, and for what little that's worth, it's just more "the two genders are two species" propaganda. :(

[ 03-04-2002: Message edited by: fable ]</p>

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by MagiK:


Hehe Actually I think you are wrong on one account..Stereotypes are frequently all to correct and on the money. <hr></blockquote>I really don't agree with you here Magik. Stereotypes are usually wrong in my opinion. I do agree that people shouldn't be judged on a stereotype. That's just wrong, especially if you don't know that person.
Anyhow, I've dealt with ladies who were convincd all men are pigs before. It's not that all men are pigs, it's just that those girls dated guys who were. Can't judge a large group, on the account of a few. Oh and the writer sounded just a *little* bit hypocrital, placing most of the blame on women.

Remember, this is an article from a mens mag. much like cosmo. is a womens mag. Any time you have a publication targetted at a particular group, objectivity is compromised for increased sales. Take the article with a grain of salt. The base concept is sound though. Men are no more capable, culpable or guilty than women.

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by AzRaeL StoRmBlaDe:
I'm only a lurker anymore but I felt I should comment on this thread.
The response has a good idea, but a number of holes in their theory. A partner will still cheat on you even if you do fullfill all phsyical and emotional needs for them. Some people are just apathetic, some don't think they'll get caught, and some don't even view it as wrong. There are a lot of reasons for someone to cheat and a good majority of them are not to be blamed on your partner. I mean even if you are getting urges to cheat on your signifigant other, that should be a clue to either let them know and try to work something out, or break up. There's no excuse for telling somone how much you care about them and all then, and then turning around and cheating on them<hr></blockquote>

Very good post Azreal and I agree wholeheartedly. As a person who cheated on girlfriends in highschool and was cheated on by my first wife I've kindof seen both ends of the spectrum.

When I was not married I didn't put a lot of stock in being faithful to a girlfriend. I was immature and selfish and lost some good friends because of it, through no fault of their own.

My first wife simply thought she could get away with it... when I told her I wanted a divorce because of it she was shocked, she honestly thought I was overreacting. No relationship is perfect but IMO there's no excuse for cheating in a marriage. If I feel so strongly for someone else that I'm tempted to cheat then it's time for me to consider if I really should be married. I would end a relationship that I was unhappy with BEFORE getting into another. I think this is where all the excuses people come up with fall flat... if they're so unhappy then it's time for them to move on. IMO, cheating demeans the cheater much more than the partner. I have too much respect for myself to engage in such behavior.

I also don't agree about this overwhelming natural drive that will overcome all hopes to resist... it's just plain BULL (and I've got first hand experience here too [img]smile.gif[/img] , but it's fairly embarrassing so I'll spare you the details). It's a matter of respect for yourself and others... in the end I think that makes the difference between choosing to cheat and choosing to stick by the vows that you made.

The other reasons you're talking about on why people cheat have to do with something else entirely. The girls you were with really didn't have a huge interest level in you anyway. Someone who is truly interested and in love with you would never treat you that way unless the relationship started falling apart. Men seem real good at ignoring that fact sometimes too. Relationships are much more easily maintained than fixed.

Anyway, the other reason is some people marry without being completely enthralled by their partner. They either marry for security, looks, or money or simply want to "settle" because they don't want to be single. This is dangerous because the whole marriage is based on a farce. An acting job that WILL eventually get old. The act is that they really love you instead of just like you. They usually find some poor soul who is completely smitten by them and take them for a ride. As soon as the REAL Mr./Ms. right comes along. They drop the current partner like a hot potato. Most times, the easiest(not best) way out of an unwanted relationship is to sabotage it with an affair.

I second Sir Kenyth's remarks. People frequently get married too young, on impulse, and when a guy is only interested in cheerleader looks while a girl's only seeking football biceps. Reality suddenly breaks in on the marriage at some point, as each discovers the other is superficial and irresponsible. Divorce follows, and the usual comments: "Oh, you know, women: can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em." "Typical male. Lazy SOB only wanted to get me in bed or watch football games with his pals." If they wanted life mates and love, they might have done better to choose someone other than a cheerleader and a jock for their spouse.

(And yes, I know that some cheerleaders and jocks have more to offer than that. But many do, and unfortunately the dichotomy between spouse choice and longterm expectations is very real.)

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by MagiK:


Hehe Actually I think you are wrong on one account..Stereotypes are frequently all to correct and on the money, the problem is treating INDIVIDUALS as ther stereotype..any individual may not fit the stereotype and should be treated as an unknown quantity, however if the sho fits...then the stereo type is true. I wont go into which ones are accurate and which ones aren't Ill just say...they exist for a reason and stereotypes just dont pop into existance from thin air.<hr></blockquote>

um, arent you being a bit contradictory there? a stereotype is used to judge a large group, and if the stereotype is usually right then wouldnt it make judging the individual a tad useless? using them because theyre right on a few counts and saying they're usually right leads to never judging the individual, because first impressions are importiant.

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Sir Kenyth:
The other reasons you're talking about on why people cheat have to do with something else entirely. The girls you were with really didn't have a huge interest level in you anyway. Someone who is truly interested and in love with you would never treat you that way unless the relationship started falling apart. Men seem real good at ignoring that fact sometimes too. Relationships are much more easily maintained than fixed.
<hr></blockquote>

Not sure who this is targeted at but I think it's only partially accurate... I actually remember as a young man being devastated when a girlfriend (of one year) broke up with me for cheating. I was a dumb kid and simply thought I could get away with it... I made up any number of rationalizations... but in the end I learned a lesson. My first wife led a life where she was always spoiled rotten... she had never gotten past the "me" stage and thought that because she was bored it was OK. Truth is marriage is hard work and nobody can be a 100% perfect mate all the time... a person should acknowledge that relationships are a two way street, but the fact that their partner chose to cheat is certainly nothing they should accept blame for. People pass off blame for a whole range of antisocial behavior in this country these days. IMO - The person who pulled the perverbial trigger has made a decision to do something regardless of the consequences... and they shouldn't be allowed to push off that responsibility based on some flimsy justification.

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Thoran:


Not sure who this is targeted at but I think it's only partially accurate... I actually remember as a young man being devastated when a girlfriend (of one year) broke up with me for cheating. I was a dumb kid and simply thought I could get away with it... I made up any number of rationalizations... but in the end I learned a lesson. My first wife led a life where she was always spoiled rotten... she had never gotten past the "me" stage and thought that because she was bored it was OK. Truth is marriage is hard work and nobody can be a 100% perfect mate all the time... a person should acknowledge that relationships are a two way street, but the fact that their partner chose to cheat is certainly nothing they should accept blame for. People pass off blame for a whole range of antisocial behavior in this country these days. IMO - The person who pulled the perverbial trigger has made a decision to do something regardless of the consequences... and they shouldn't be allowed to push off that responsibility based on some flimsy justification.<hr></blockquote>

Don't get me wrong. I don't justify, only mitigate. Only try to rationalize and explain. The selfish "me" attitude is all too common. Too many people are quite gutless when it comes to getting out of a relationship. Much like a swinging chimp. They won't let go of one branch until they have a good hold of the next one if you know what I mean. It's a little habit called serial monogamy. Simply can't go without a significant other for any period of time, so they start another before dropping the last. This is also called cheating from some perspectives. In truth, the relationship was over long before the final split from the adultery.