Rules for Cats


I. DOORS
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door and pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, when it's raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito season. Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.

II. CHAIRS AND RUGS
If you have to urp, get to an overstuffed chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there are no Oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When urping on shag, be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human's bare foot.

III. BATHROOMS
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (See Rule I) It is not necessary to do anything - just sit and stare.

IV. HELPING
If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping"; humans are known to refer to it as hampering". The following are the rules for "helping": a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you. d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim - to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

V. WALKING
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human. Especially effective places to strike are: 1) On stairs, when they have something in their arms; 2) In the dark; and 3) When they first get up in the morning. This exercise helps with improving their coordination skills.

VI. BEDTIME
Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two (or more) of you, book end the human putting off the greatest heat. They will try and squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will effectively keep them pinned.

VII. COMPUTERS
1: Only show interest in computers that are turned ON, the operator will need your help.
2: Monitors are bad for human eyes. It might ruin your owner's sight and cause them to buy less cat food. Always get in between the monitor and the person operating the computer. For best results, stands as close to the monitor as possible. If you are removed, go and sulk in a corner for a minute, then repeat. Look as innocent as possible.
3: Keyboards are great to lie down on. Make yourself as comfortable as possible. Marching over the keyboard several times is fun too. Practice aiming at alt-F4, N, and ctrl-alt-del.
4: Always chase the mouse. Your owner can't blame you for this, since it's your feline instinct to chase mice.
5: Floppy disk make great scratching posts. Nothing beats floppies when it's time to sharpen your nails.

That's why I don't like cats!

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*snort* *giggle* That's got to be some of the funniest stuff I've read in a long time, Cerise!

ROFLMAO! Almost makes me glad we don't have pets!

Hmmm I have one and know she can be a little monster ... but at least they are not as dependent as dogs *smiles*....

Mind a goldfish is even less trouble!

*grins* glad you enjoyed!

Awww thanks Neb .....

ROTFLMAO!!!!

Remind me again why I keep getting cats?

These are ALL TRUE! But instead of bookending me side-to-side, mine sleep one at my head and one at my feet, thereby pinning my blanket and pillow down so I can't roll over. Baby (who passed on a few years back) used to sleep directly on my pillow with me. I lost count of the times I woke up in the middle of the night with a 12 pound cat on my face where he'd rolled over! LOL!!! http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...s/biglaugh.gif

Thanks for posting this! I'm going to print it out for my friends who own cats. Maybe we need to come up with things to do to annoy the cats so they'll stop that! http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...iles/smile.gif

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Hopeless Romantic *sigh*

ahh! my cat does those exact same things!

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into my lonely heart

So true DragonMage, I have 4 cats and they all do this. But lets not forget the "helping wake up humans" jump ontop of them and annoy them by any means untill they feed you. http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...miles/wink.gif


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All blades cut, be they made from metal or wood, but the sharpest and deadliest blade is the one of knowledge.

An Archmage of the HADB

I have a cat but she is cute but dumb ....

My friend had a japanese fighting cat that I loved ... Called Faroh .... trouble is it weighed in at a couple of stone and loved me too .. I woke one time in a panic from a dream where I was suffocating ... and realised that I had a two stone cat necklace ......

Ummm....is your cat a blonde cat? j/k LOL!!! http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...miles/wink.gif

Yeah most do ... I think my cat rates as the worlds most stupid ...


Chased a bird in flight .. was so busy chasing bird forgot to notice fence at end of garden ... knocked herself out!

*LOL* I think she dyes her fur black ....

My cat died when I was six.....

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Oh, honey! Mine are much more subtle and insidious than that. My male - he waits until 15 or 20 minutes before the alarm is to go off, walks up my back to my head and sniffs *oh so delicately* at my face - thereby tickling me with his whiskers and waking me up. He will then continue to walk back and forth beside me and on top of me until I finally get so annoyed I get up and fill his silly *#@% food bowl! Grrrr! (But I love him! http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...es/biggrin.gif)

I've got an uncle whose cat hunts EVERYTHING, it brings in mice, rats and even hares sometimes, and does him the "wonderful" favor of dropping them off in his bed while he's sleeping, it also hunts birds, it dosen't bring those home however, it eats them, it even hunts pheasants.

[This message has been edited by Neb (edited 10-19-2001).]

((((hugs)))) Sorry to hear that, hon. I've lost several over the years. It hurts every time and every time I tell myself I won't ever get another one. Then I do. I can't help myself. You should get a new kitten some day.

I have two good girls (golden retrievers) that I love very much- one is a golden puppy named Hazel! I luv her! She's going to be my chick magnet for when im 16!

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I am Tiamat!
Honerary Executioner Of TLFB
Lietenant of SSj4 Sephiroth of the HADB
Leader of the DOTW

Ohhhhh *hug* part of life I guess but still a hurtful part of life...

Note to self: Get a puppy before turning sixteen.

Nice plan ..... it may well work *grins*

Uh-oh! Already planning to 'take over the world' in other realms. http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...miles/wink.gif Take good care of them. I, too, have a pup. Her name is Josephine. She's a real sweetie. I mention her because she THINKS she's a cat. She tries to do what they do (like get up on the back of the couch and lay down). Hmmm....

http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...les/tongue.gif - You are too naughty! http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...miles/nono.gif

LOLOLOLOL!!!!! http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...les/tongue.gif

(Neb has cursed me with the #$@%(#$ flood control disease!)

thanks a lot man, this post is one thing I need the MOST!! thank you buddy!

Who me? *innocent look*

(Sorry for cursing you by the way.)

Ahhh the youth of today .... so fickle .... knowing all the tricks *LOL*

Girls dont have very good saving throws vs. cute things! putty in my dark hands!

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I am Tiamat!
Honerary Executioner Of TLFB
Lietenant of SSj4 Sephiroth of the HADB
Leader of the DOTW

This is unfortunately too true. I can't resist cute and cuddly things. Just like you my widdew Tiamat dwagon you! Come here so I can pinch your cute widdew cheekies and ruff up your hair! http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...les/tongue.gif http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...les/tongue.gif http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...les/tongue.gif

Ohhhh Tiamat .... you wont know what hit you ... the female of the species is definitely more deadly than the male!

Well, we DO have our weak spots, such as our saving throws vs. Cute Girls, those are horrible, we have no chance in that case.

Hey maybe you do stand a chance of survival ... realisiation of weakness is a great strength (eeek confuscious say)

says whom?? huh? I can resis... oh wait... ackk, nevermind

That's right! Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated! http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...miles/wink.gif http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...les/tongue.gif

I feel down now... Dragonmage... remember how Lord Shield cheers Buhamat? can you do that for me too? http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...l_laughter.gif

Neb: Sees cute Girl
Neb: Roll saving throw vs. Cute girls
Neb: 4: Saving throw failed.
Neb: "Must obey"

[This message has been edited by Neb (edited 10-19-2001).]

*LMAO* oh yeah .......

Maybe something more enjoyable?

Why - whatever do you mean? http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...miles/wink.gif http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...les/tongue.gif LOL!!!!

[This message has been edited by DragonMage (edited 10-19-2001).]

Deleted.

[This message has been edited by Neb (edited 10-19-2001).]