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One of our local Members of Parliament; (Gillian Shephard ) paid a visit to Norwich jail to inspect the place and after her tour of the prison, she was shown to her chauffeur driven car by the Governor, whereupon it was discovered that the chauffeur had inadvertently left the keys in the car and he was unable to open the doors. There was much embarrassment until the Governor of Norwich jail came up with a splendid idea.
"We have plenty inside here who are doing time for car burglary; shall I get one?" Gillian nodded her assent. Enter Justin, doing a few years for such crimes, and he was invited to display his skills to the advantage of Mrs. Shephard in order to save her any further embarrassment. With that, Justin picked up a large stone and hurled it at the windscreen shattering it in a million pieces. Surrounding press and camera men had to hide behind trees and other cover to conceal their mirth. Apparently, Justin, though a frequent offender, had a "simple and dynamic approach " to theft. Not for him the sophisticated business of bits of wire etc. By way of explanation he later said that all he was ever after was the property inside the vehicles. ------------------ http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...es/Charean.jpg Defender for the Light - Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!? Wandering Soul - Finding my life's calling is Bodhisattva You are what your deep driving desire is; As your deep driving desire is, so is your will; As your will is so is your deed; As your deed is so is your destiny. The Upanishads |
A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 20 mph for it to start.
She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off. I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing. A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 30 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions..... |
His beloved old white convertible was in deplorable shape, but he refused to get rid of it. So when the old junker was stolen from his office parking lot, his family was delighted. Nonetheless, they called the police and filed an insurance claim.
Their relief was short-lived, within an hour an officer was on the phone. "We found the car less than a mile away," he said, trying to restrain himself. "It had a note on it that read, 'Thanks anyway, we'd rather walk.'" &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& I stopped at the local Burger King for a cold drink and was reading the menu over the counter. I noticed a sign to the side that stated "Picture Menu Available". I had to ask the clerk what it was for and she told me that they had a number of customers who couldn't read and they used that. Of course I asked how they would know this picture menu was available and her answer was the classic, "Well, it says so on the sign, doesn't it?" &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared. "I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said. The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do." "Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife." &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& While filling out an employment application, a man paused over this question: "Person to notify in case of an accident." Finally he wrote, "Anybody in sight." &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Since I was the first to arrive at our high-tech company one morning, I answered the telephone. When the caller asked for field engineering, I explained that it was before normal business hours, but that I would help if I could. "What's your job there?" the caller asked me. "I'm the president," I replied. There was a pause. Then he said, "I'll call back later. I need to talk to someone who knows something." ------------------ http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...es/Charean.jpg Defender for the Light - Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!? Wandering Soul - Finding my life's calling is Bodhisattva You are what your deep driving desire is; As your deep driving desire is, so is your will; As your will is so is your deed; As your deed is so is your destiny. The Upanishads |
FOR THE TEXANS!!!!!
What is the plural of y'all? I asked this (innocently) at the end of a recent humor posting which dealt with misconceptions about Texas. Little did I know that I had opened the flood gates! I have received more email on this subject over the past few days than I care to mention. Everyone seems to have an answer to this question. I received answers from Texans, non-Texans, wanna-be Texans, former Texans, people from Arkansas, New York (a transplanted Texan no doubt), Tennessee, Alabama, Georgia, Kentucky, California, Oklahoma, among others and I even received a response from someone in Papua New Guinea. Well, the answer to this question is one which should be shared, so here are the comments on the plural of y'all: Many people indicated that y'all is already the plural form and provided the singular form which was variously (1) you'un (2) you-all (3) youins (4) yuse'all (5) yewins (6) yu's oll and (7) you'uns. Some people contended that y'all is both plural and singular just as "you" can be used for both plural and singular, depending on the context. One Texan added that there "ain't no sense in wasting the energy making up two differ'nt words, is there?" Another added that Texans have "been talking like this since we were babies, so why let a few years of education mess up something natural?" One person told me that the plural was y'ens (from "ye ones") and said that the information was from his English teacher (the teacher having a Masters in Linguistics and a PhD in English). So, now it's time to announce the "official" plural of y'all (at least according to the various opinions of the Good Clean Fun list members). By a comment margin of at least 5 to 1, the plural of y'all is: ALL Y'ALL Now, 'nuf said! I thank y'all and all y'all can can git back to yer chores. |
Common Misconceptions about Texas
* That everything is twice as big in Texas. - Really everything is 1.865 times bigger, but we round up. * That the women have big hair. - In fact this was outlawed in July 1977. There is a task force and they are doing their best to reach every last woman. Bear with us. * That Texas gets extremely hot in the summer. - Actually we only have 2-3 days of real heat in Texas ... real heat being when there is over a 75% probability of self-combustion. * That JR Ewing still lives here. - That was a tv show people! Come on! Chuck Norris, on the other hand, is a real, karate-choppin' Texas Ranger. * That we have killer bees, fire ants, gigantic roaches and mosquitoes and other awful insects, tornadoes, hurricanes, and damaging hailstorms. - I don't know where this pack of hysteria got started, but we're gonna assume it's from some non-Texan type. We tend to think of them as a few bitty bugs and a bad hair day. * That everyone speaks with a Texas accent. - Y'all just don't know what y'all are talking about. |
Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone
to prevent ice cream drips. My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway. ***** Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes everytime. My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag. ***** Martha's way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year. ***** Martha's way #4: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling. My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway? ***** Martha's way #5: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing. My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs. ***** Martha's way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop. My way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking. ***** Martha's way #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains. My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers. ***** Martha's way #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake. My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you. ***** Martha's way #9: If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up". My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes. ***** Martha's way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks. My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff. ***** Martha's way #11: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish. My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it. ***** Martha's way #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it. My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"? ***** Martha's way #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness. My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can. ***** Martha's way #14: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away. My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh. ***** Martha's way #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind. ***** Martha's way #16: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. My way: Leftover wine? ***** Martha's way #17: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets. * Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes. * Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary). My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once. ------------------ http://members.home.net/bradzinser/M...s/Tempest2.jpg Protector and Defender of Nature All bow and cower before the Triumvirate!!! |
I really worry about you, Zeeke... you get weirder and weirder.... http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...s/biglaugh.gif
------------------ http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...es/Charean.jpg Defender for the Light - Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!? Wandering Soul - Finding my life's calling is Bodhisattva You are what your deep driving desire is; As your deep driving desire is, so is your will; As your will is so is your deed; As your deed is so is your destiny. The Upanishads |
Thank you both! http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/noncgi/smiles/485.gif I needed that tonight, after spending the entire day down with a migraine.
------------------ Nid yw'r hoff o lyfr yn fyr o gyfaill. |
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------------------ http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...es/Charean.jpg Defender for the Light - Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!? Wandering Soul - Finding my life's calling is Bodhisattva You are what your deep driving desire is; As your deep driving desire is, so is your will; As your will is so is your deed; As your deed is so is your destiny. The Upanishads |
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------------------ http://members.home.net/bradzinser/M...s/Tempest2.jpg Always listen to your heart, for it will never lead you astray. All bow and cower before the Triumvirate!!! |
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------------------ http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...es/Charean.jpg Defender for the Light - Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!? Wandering Soul - Finding my life's calling is Bodhisattva You are what your deep driving desire is; As your deep driving desire is, so is your will; As your will is so is your deed; As your deed is so is your destiny. The Upanishads |
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------------------ http://members.home.net/bradzinser/M...s/Tempest2.jpg Always listen to your heart, for it will never lead you astray. All bow and cower before the Triumvirate!!! |
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------------------ http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...es/Charean.jpg Defender for the Light - Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!? Wandering Soul - Finding my life's calling is Bodhisattva You are what your deep driving desire is; As your deep driving desire is, so is your will; As your will is so is your deed; As your deed is so is your destiny. The Upanishads |
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------------------ http://members.home.net/bradzinser/M...s/Tempest2.jpg Always listen to your heart, for it will never lead you astray. All bow and cower before the Triumvirate!!! [This message has been edited by Zeeke75 (edited 06-25-2001).] |
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We can watch Christopher Lowell!!! http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...es/biggrin.gif ------------------ http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...es/Charean.jpg Defender for the Light - Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!? Wandering Soul - Finding my life's calling is Bodhisattva You are what your deep driving desire is; As your deep driving desire is, so is your will; As your will is so is your deed; As your deed is so is your destiny. The Upanishads |
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I just LOVE his new Paint Line in the stores, Don't You?? http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...es/biggrin.gif ------------------ http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...es/Charean.jpg Defender for the Light - Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!? Wandering Soul - Finding my life's calling is Bodhisattva You are what your deep driving desire is; As your deep driving desire is, so is your will; As your will is so is your deed; As your deed is so is your destiny. The Upanishads |
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Oh, the new set is just FABulous! I just get a warm, fuzzy feeling evertime I see it! Makes me want to eat a box of Bon-Bons and take a Milk and Honey bath.... ------------------ http://members.home.net/bradzinser/M...s/Tempest2.jpg Always listen to your heart, for it will never lead you astray. All bow and cower before the Triumvirate!!! |
Boy, if people were wondering about me before, this certainly isn't helping any...
------------------ http://members.home.net/bradzinser/M...s/Tempest2.jpg Always listen to your heart, for it will never lead you astray. All bow and cower before the Triumvirate!!! |
Jeez youd think this was a Zeeke and Charean threadhttp://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...les/tongue.gifhttp://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...les/tongue.gifhttp://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...les/tongue.gifhttp://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...les/tongue.gif
I shall name it IWMFZAC!!!!http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...es/biggrin.gif ------------------ http://www.dabros.net/images/tcampbell/hadb6copy.jpg "I was born of darkness. My fathers eyes closed before mine opened. I am not of this world or the other, and I have the right to be what I am..." |
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------------------ http://members.home.net/bradzinser/M...s/Tempest2.jpg Always listen to your heart, for it will never lead you astray. All bow and cower before the Triumvirate!!! |
Getting back to the original point of this thread....
The "real story" of the three bears It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge,"he squeaks? Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge," he> roars? Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? "It was 'Momma Bear' who got up first. "It was 'Momma Bear' who woke everybody else in the house up. "It was 'Momma Bear' who made the Coffee. "It was 'Momma Bear' who unloaded the dishwasher from last night,and put everything away. "It was 'Momma Bear' who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper "It was 'Momma Bear' who set the table. "It was 'Momma Bear' who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish. "And, now that you've decided to come downstairs and grace the household with your presence ... listen good, 'cause I'm only going to say this one time... "I haven't made the @!#$%^&*&* porridge, yet! ------------------ http://members.home.net/bradzinser/M...s/Tempest2.jpg Always listen to your heart, for it will never lead you astray. All bow and cower before the Triumvirate!!! |
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------------------ http://www.dabros.net/images/tcampbell/hadb6copy.jpg "I was born of darkness. My fathers eyes closed before mine opened. I am not of this world or the other, and I have the right to be what I am..." |
Zeeke, when you are on, you are ON... *tears streaming down my cheeks, laughing so hard I can't see straight* How the heck can I even THINK when my ribs hurt?!?! http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...les/1zhelp.gif
http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no.../1grlaugh2.gifhttp://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no.../1grlaugh2.gifhttp://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no.../1grlaugh2.gifhttp://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no.../1grlaugh2.gifhttp://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no.../1grlaugh2.gifhttp://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no.../1grlaugh2.gifhttp://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no.../1grlaugh2.gifhttp://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no.../1grlaugh2.gifhttp://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no.../1grlaugh2.gifhttp://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no.../1grlaugh2.gifhttp://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no.../1grlaugh2.gifhttp://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no.../1grlaugh2.gifhttp://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no.../1grlaugh2.gif And dang it, those swinging hips of yours are distracting!! http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...es/biggrin.gif ------------------ http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...es/Charean.jpg Defender for the Light - Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!? Wandering Soul - Finding my life's calling is Bodhisattva You are what your deep driving desire is; As your deep driving desire is, so is your will; As your will is so is your deed; As your deed is so is your destiny. The Upanishads |
1. Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam. (seen on Cape Cod)
2. That's It! I'm Calling Grandma! (seen on an 8 year old) 3. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up. 4. Procrastinate Now. 5. Rehab Is for Quitters. 6. My Dog Can Lick Anyone. 7. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That? 8. Party - My Crib - Two A.M. (on an infant t-shirt) 9. Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15. 10. ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING. 11. West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names. 12. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software. 13. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN. 14. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 15. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. 16. STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere! 17. POOR SPELLERS OF THE WORLD- UNTIE! 18. MOOSEHEAD: A great beer and a new experience for a moose. 19. They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken. 20. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead. 21. Time's fun when you're having flies.......Kermit the Frog. 22. POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on. 23. FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once. 24. Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh. 25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times the memory. 26. The Meek shall inherit the earth....after we're through with it. 27. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 28. Ham & Eggs - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig. 29. WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years. 30. The trouble with life is there's no background music. 31. If there is no God, who pops up the next kleenex? 32. Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake 33. The original point-and-click interface was a Smith & Wesson. 34. MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT. 35. Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit. 36. Computer programmers know how to use their hardware. 37. MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team. 38. NyQuil -The stuffy, sneezy, why-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 39. Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research. 40. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't! ------------------ http://members.home.net/bradzinser/M...s/Tempest2.jpg Always listen to your heart, for it will never lead you astray. All bow and cower before the Triumvirate!!! |
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Oh, so many comments to be made, but for the sake of keeping this PG, I'm gonna painfully bite my tongue... ------------------ http://members.home.net/bradzinser/M...s/Tempest2.jpg Always listen to your heart, for it will never lead you astray. All bow and cower before the Triumvirate!!! [This message has been edited by Zeeke75 (edited 06-25-2001).] |
A man is caught sitting at a make-shift campfire by a forest ranger, and to the ranger's horror, the man is eating a bald eagle. The man is consequently arrested for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:
JUDGE: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?" MAN: "Yes I do. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened." JUDGE: "Proceed." MAN: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. I caught up with the eagle who lighted upon a tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone toward the eagle hoping he would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off, and the rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head, and killed it. I thought long and hard about what had happened, but figured that since I killed it I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground." JUDGE: "The court will take a recess while I consider your testimony." (15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.) JUDGE: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges." The Judge then leans over the bench and whispers: "If you don't mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?" MAN: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is somewhere between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl." |
Sports Quotes From England.... (even if you don't like sports, they are funny as all get out!!)
"And here's Moses Kiptanui, the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago." (David Coleman) "Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs" (David Coleman) "We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite." (Murray Walker) After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought." (Bobby Robson) On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country." (Ian Rush) Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry. What chance do you think Germany has of getting through? Terry Venables: "I think it's 50-50." "I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost." (Frank Bruno) "There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes." (David Coleman) "There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people." (David Coleman) "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical." (Murray Walker) "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Greg Norman) "There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious." (Alan Minter) "Watch the time. It gives you an indication of how fast they are running." (Ron Pickering) "Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers." (Murray Walker) "A brain Scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin." (Jo Sheldon) "That's inches away from being millimetre perfect." (Ted Lowe) "I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right." (Marlon Starling) "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." (Terry Venables) "I can't tell who's leading. It's either Oxford or Cambridge." (John Snagge - Boat Race between Oxford and Cambridge) "The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests, is absolutely round." (Tony Crozier) ------------------ http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...es/Charean.jpg Defender for the Light - Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!? Wandering Soul - Finding my life's calling is Bodhisattva You are what your deep driving desire is; As your deep driving desire is, so is your will; As your will is so is your deed; As your deed is so is your destiny. The Upanishads |
The Top 10 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart:
10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows. 9. That telltale lemon slice in the dog's water bowl. 8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door. 7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal & saffron demi-glace', with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce. 6. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the bathroom. 5. You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded into a swan. 4. No matter "where" you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster fork. 3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying. 2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice. and the NUMBER 1 Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart . . . 1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple. |
Star Trek Chickens
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? Chakotay: Whatever its reason, whatever its goals, we should respect its right to cross the road and seek its own spiritual awareness. Neelix: Actually, Captain, I'm not really familiar with the chickens in this system. But, if you can catch it, I can cook it. Riker: I don't know why, but I know how: with pleasure, sir. Worf: I don't know. KLINGON chickens do NOT cross roads. HoloDoc: How should I know? No one tells me anything around here. I didn't even know we added chickens to the crew. All I know is that it would have been nice, BEFORE the chicken went off to the cross the road, if it had remembered to turn me off! Dr. Crusher: If there's nothing wrong with the chicken, there must be something wrong with the universe. Scotty: Because she couldna take much morrrrrre. Odo: I don't know, but I'm sure it must be Quark's fault. Quark: Who, me? Kirk: You chicken bastard, you killed my son...YOU chicken BASTARD, you killed...my SON...you CHICKEN bastard....youkilledmy...son! Troi: I feel the chicken's pain! Kira: It was probably being chased by those cursed Cardassians. Bones: Dammit, I'm a doctor, not an ornithologist! Data: The chicken, in observing that it was on the opposite side of the 20th century Terran paved roadway, was aware that its immediate goal should have been to traverse the distance without interception by an kind of combustion-propelled personal transport vehicle, but I am unclear as to why any kind of domesticated fowl should desire to perambulate upon a conveyance normally reserved for the usage of . . . yes, sir. The Borg: Crossing the road is irrelevant. The chicken will be assimilated. Hugh the Borg: Maybe it just needed a big hug! B'Elanna: I'm sure it felt suffocated by all the bleeping regulations of bleeping Starfleet and just couldn't stand it any longer! Picard: There are four lights! Q: Wouldn't you like to know? Too bad your puny human brain wouldn't be able to comprehend the answer. Uhura: Shall I open hailing frequencies so you can ask it, sir? Tasha: That depends...was it fully functional? Chekov: It must have been on its way to assist in saving my life for the billionth time . . . did I scream this time? Khan: With my last breath I spit at the chicken... Harry: I don't know, it's my first mission. Paris: Well, I think that...say, that's a lovely shirt you're wearing. Harry Mudd: Chicken? I don't remember any chicken. No no no, there's been a terrible misunderstanding. Janeway: Its primary goal was no doubt to get back to the Alpha Quadrant...and it probably misses its dog. Nurse Chapel: Oh, Spock! Lwaxana: Oh, Jean-Luc! Spock: Fascinating, Captain. V'Ger: To join with the Creator. The Grand Nagus: Stupid chicken! You don't cross the road all at once! You sneak across it quietly, without anyone noticing! Gul Dukat: Well, that's a very interesting question...I'm sure we can work out some kind of arrangement to obtain that information that will be to everyone's satisfaction. Kes: It was remembering back to the times when its ancestors crossed roads all the time! They lost those abilities because they stopped using them! O'Brien: No problem, Commander, I'll get right on it. Wesley: I'm not sure, but I can figure it out if I reroute these systems and reconfigure the warp field and run a complete internal whootchacallit on the computers and . . . Sisko: It was seeking deeper meaning. Jake, do you see what we've learned from all this? Geordi: Well, wherever it's going, I'm sure it'll have more luck with women than I do. Sulu: Don't call me Tiny! Sarek: Sometimes logic fails me where chickens are concerned. Mr. Homn: Dax: To get to the other side. Kurzon might have disagreed with me, Tobin I'm sure wouldn't have had a clue,and then there's . . . Tuvok: That's not a question we'd prefer to hear from a senior officer. It makes the junior officers nervous. |
A college graduate applied for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor.
As soon as the young man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the packet. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor." |
G.W.Bush was very depressed that people were saying he is stupid. So
he calls his good friend Queen Elizabeth, who says, "Now George, what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let me show you." She calls Tony Blair in and asks, "Tony, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?" Tony Blair replies, "It's me!" So G.W. calls Dick Cheney and says, "Dick, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?" And Cheney says, "Wow, that's a tough one. Let me get back to you." So Cheney calls Colin Powell and says, "Colin, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?" And Colin Powell says, "It's me!" So Cheney calls Bush and says, "It's Colin Powell." And Bush says, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!" ------------------ http://www.wheatsheaf.freeserve.co.uk/roastspurs.gif Save Chip - Don't let Sarah win! Official Titterer of the Laughing Hyenas |
Quote:
Cloudy ------------------ http://www.wizardrealm.com/images/bestow1.jpg Raindancer of the Laughing Hyenas Clan Storm-Queen StormCloud of the Black Knight: Heart Mind Soul Forever "To sleep, perchance to dream..." |
There's a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist.
Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts "Praise the Lord!". The atheist yells back, "There is no God". She does this every morning with the same result. As time goes on the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with groceries, then says "Praise the Lord". The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there’s the groceries she's asked for, of course she says "Praise the Lord". The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, "Ha, I bought those groceries - there is no God". The lady looks at him and smiles, she shouts "Praise the Lord, not only did you provide for me Lord, you made Satan pay for the groceries!!" |
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