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Tomorrow is the one year "anniversary" of my father's death.
It will be nothing to celebrate and I would rather not enter the day with sadness as a couple of my family members who Instant Message me are actually planning on doing. It just doesn't make sense to mark the day and mourn the loss once a year when I helplessly cry at least once or twice a month for the loss of my hero, my dad, already. I can understand how such anniversaries touch people and my father should be remembered as should any loved one any of us has lost. But, I would rather go into the day filled with memories of his love for his children, his friends and his family, the happier times, than to be reminded that he is not there to share hugs and smiles, or just to talk to. What I would like this thread to do is to trigger memories for us all of those we love and have loved, gone to the world or not. Pick a word or phrase in my following paragraph that triggers a good memory for you and share? Those who post third, fourth and so on...use any prior post as your inspiration? This way we can all take part in the love that binds us all. Thank You! Love, Hugs, & Peace, http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...s/EEhearts.gif Moni Stars When I see a night sky full of stars and the wind is softly blowing it takes me way back to times when I would suddenly awaken to a cool breeze hitting my face and the sight of nothing but stars in the sky. I would wonder how it was that I was floating outside when seemingly minutes earlier I had been fully awake in my Grandmother's house, visiting with her as we did once a week. I would look around and see my father's face, smiling down at me as he carried me from our Grandmother's house out to the car. His face was full of love and joy and the feelings went through me like electricity. I knew I was loved. I knew I was safe. It happened many times. Enough to burn his smile and the way it felt when he held me tighter in his arms into my memory for the rest of my life! How I dreaded getting to big to be carried out anymore! How I love and cherish that the events took place! That he would smile so lovingly at me when I woke up! How he would hold me tighter, sharing the love of a father and child with me, just me. http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...iles/smile.gif Moni ------------------ http://members.aol.com/lasttrueprincess/images/ltp4.gif |
I lost my grandmother to cancer when I was only 18, and she was 74. She was like a second mother to me, because my mother worked and she cared for me after school. She struggled a full 8 years with that cancer, and she never once complained, although it ravaged her system. Even though that's been 20 years now, I still miss her, and will always treasure her memory.
One mysterious thing: the night when she died, my mother came home from the hospital and lay down across her bed, and had a vision. She saw this being of light being escorted away by two beings that looked like they had shields and had horns on their heads. She was terrified that demons were around her mother (my grandmother). When she told me about it, somewhere deep in I felt that Valkyries had come to escort my grandmother to the "other side". The next night she had another dream-vision in which she saw a point of pure white light racing towards two darkened mountains. When it reached the mountains, it exploded in a burst of brilliant white light and she heard a thundering boom which sent her back up into consciousness. It was then she felt that my grandmother's spirit had entered what she called "Heaven." Apologies to any I may offend by this post, as I know we have people here with different beliefs. My mother's vision, though, offered comfort to us as we struggled to cope with our loss. To this day, it still brings a sense of awe to me. I think my mother was very fortunate to witness what she did. Thanks, http://www.wizardrealm.com/images/saz.gif |
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------------------ http://members.aol.com/lasttrueprinc...scuitking!.gif BOW TO THE BISCUIT KING AND HIS THRONE OF SCONE!!! [This message has been edited by caleb (edited 06-07-2001).] |
Wow, caleb. That was really touching. It reminds me of a friend who died on his motorcycle, on his way to our job. I was the one the cops contacted, and flew to his home in El Paso with his body. Shooting star.
But, I want to mention my mother. She was my guiding star. I wrote many poems for her, growing up, and one was even entitled "Mi Estrella", spanish for star, when i spoke of her as such. I miss her, and am glad to have been blessed with her in my life. ------------------ http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...s/rudedawg.jpg http://www.wizardrealm.com/images/rdawg.gif |
Sazerac,
Thank you for that astounding revelation! That is just totally awesome! My father was closest to his Native American Heritage~Apache to be exact and the morning he passed away I was sleeping...dreaming of an Apache man who looked much like my father being tangled up in a dream catcher that was tied to a horse. My sisters were there, full blooded and half sisters alike and one of them insisted we keep him tied up there for his own good. As she walked away with the rest of us following her, I questioned her reasoning and as she voiced her answer and entered the building we were all in front of with the rest of my sisters following her inside, I turned back again to the man and saw that he was no longer tied to the horse, but tied between two posts on the old western style sidewalk we were on. The dreamcatcher he had been tangled up in was gone. I approached him to look at him and wonder why she thought it best for him to tie him up this way when he obviously looked as if he was suffering and he pleaded with me to help him, that his heart hurt and he was afraid he was going to die. As I went to touch his chest, near his heart, he vanished into thin air and I awoke. I was extremely depressed, unable to think or function and I did not know why. I did not associate my physical and mental condition to the dream until later that day when his sister called me to give me the horrible news. My father had been working in the kitchen in his house in FL when his heart literally exploded from the strain he was putting on it by lifting windows out of the wall in order to later install a patio door. His time of death coincided with the time that I awoke...the time that the Apache man in my dream had just vanished. I believe that supernatural beings can appear to us, my own brother saw a Dr. and two nurses performing surgery on my mother while he was in her bed one night and one of the nurses approached him and whispered to him that everything would be OK. He told her of the experience and she went to the Dr. to find out she had cancer and needed a hysterectomy, which she recovered swiftly from. I also believe that our own souls have ways of reaching out to others that they love in order to convey important messages. I believe the Apache man in my dream was my father. Thank you for sharing! Please, tell us of some of the memories of your grandmother that you hold in your heart so that we too may share in the love that she shared with you. Thank you! http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...s/EEhearts.gif Moni ------------------ http://members.aol.com/lasttrueprincess/images/ltp4.gif [This message has been edited by Moni (edited 06-07-2001).] |
Caleb and RudeDawg!
So cool how the stars touch us in their own special ways! RudeDawg, I am speechless! Your guiding star and your poem "Mi Estrella"! These are exactly the kinds of posts I was hoping for! Thank you both very very much! Hoping for more people to share their memories too, not just of stars but of the way others love and love for life (like your friend Caleb, just righteous!). Wow! I feel so good right now! Time to end this long break and get back to work! I already wore a blister on my hand today LOL! http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...es/xyxwave.gif See You Later! http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...s/EEhearts.gif Moni ------------------ http://members.aol.com/lasttrueprincess/images/ltp4.gif |
My Dad's name was JC. My grandson's name is Josh Carter. My grandson told my Dad one day "My name is JC too!" My Dad was so very pleased with this that he often told others about it. My grandson lives far from us here in Ohio, so my Dad and Josh didn't get to see each other very often. All the more reason why my Dad was so pleased that Josh wanted to be JC too.
I was blessed like you, Moni. My Dad was a loving, caring and responsible father. He died from cancer in October 1995. I have heard that your body remembers tragic or traumatic events in your life, even if you don't. Therefore, people may experience some depression or discomforts during a time frame when things happened to them, like a parents death, without even knowing why they are feeling like that. I choose to remember the good things too. My Dad always called butterflys, "flutter bys". He said when he was grilling, the bird asked him for a "cheeseburger, cheeseburger". He had a welcome mat that said "Wipe your feet, stupid". He donated a piano to the church and led the singing in his wonderful deep baritone voice. When I was little, he would let me sit on his foot and he would walk around with me holding on to his leg. I was sad when I got to big to do this. He was smart and funny and I miss him, but I am glad he was my Dad. ------------------ http://www.wizardrealm.com/images/linda.gif I can do all things through Christ Jesus who strengthens me. Philiappians 4:13 |
What wonderful memories Mammawlin!
Thank you for sharing them! My dad used to show me off to his friends when I learned my colors and how to count...I learned that "two-teen" and "lellow" got a lot of laughs LOL! I know exactly how you feel about walking around holding on to your daddy's leg! We used to to that too and I remember wishing I did not have to get bigger when he could finally no longer take me playing "horsey" on his shins as he sat and watched TV. http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...miles/wink.gif Thank you again for sharing your memories with me, it really means a lot! You are so very special to me! God Bless You & Yours ALWAYS Mammaw! http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...s/EEhearts.gif Moni ------------------ http://members.aol.com/lasttrueprincess/images/ltp4.gif |
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Lovely idea, Moni! The above sentence reminds me of my dad showing me the moon through his home-made telescope when I was little, and naming the stars and constellations for me. It was during WW2, and everywhere was 'blacked out' so the sky was not light-polluted as it is now, and was velvety black with brilliant stars... He'd kneel behind me, with his arms round me, so that he could hold the telescope in the best position for me. It was warm, and safe, and fascinating. ------------------ http://www.ranchoweb.com/images/bg2guy/bitchingcopy.gif http://www.ranchoweb.com/images/bg2guy/fljotsdale.gif http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...s/EEhearts.gif [This message has been edited by Fljotsdale (edited 06-08-2001).] |
well caleb... sometimes the best thing that you can remember for the rest of you life can turn out to be one of the worst... http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...iles/frown.gif
anyways, My grandmother, "Granma" as we call her, dies last year, October 20. she died of lukemia. thr problem was she couldnt be given any chemo(?) coz of her very weak heart... As Saerzac said, she was also like a second mother, or rather my mother. My moms a career woman, doesnt know how to cook, cleaning up for her sux, doesnt do laundry, etc. so me and my granma were the only one at home... oh, how i remember when i was in grade two, i gave her this heart that was stuck on a stick. it was colored red, it was valentines day, so i thought that id give it to her. i gave it to her, and she loved it, heehee. i gave her xmas card too and there was this one when you opened it, it triggers some mechanism that turns on the music stuff, so it has xmas rhythm in it too... My mom would usually go home late due to meetings and stuff, and what she would is wake up my granma, well, i always were awake(summer http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...miles/wink.gif) and they would go down and just chat. i wait for them, and i do stuff. i realize that its already 4 am or something, then i call them so we could all sleep. hehe those were the days... Well, i grew older, and as she was growing weaker, i just couldnt handle it. i mean, i dont want to give pity coz your weak. or she has lots of complaints about this and that it pissed me off... well, she got sick and stuff... and when she was in the hospital for five months(but, actually, the meanest part of it, is that we were just waiting for her to die...) my mom would visit, and everyone else, but me, as much as possible i dont. i mean, shes in a hospital, so? i love her enough said, but i have a different view in life... and it seems my actions are relatively harsh... yes, of course she died, and my mom called me via celfone. when ig ot in the hospital, my mom was crying, well, not until my older cuz gave the hug. but me, no. to me, she is dead, and i will just meet her someday again. i saw her body, lifeless. the body on which once protected me, cooked foe me, hugged me when i was sad, the shell of her soul, there lifeless. i didnt care... shes dead. PERIOD. even in the funeral, i didnt give a damn. but although i have to admit, she was there helping me with Joelle... anyways, i may sooo mean. but im glad she went away on that time on where... nobody really needed her anymore... when i was a child, i had so many thoughts of losing her, and it always made me cry... i think my mourning for her passing was done and over with in my childhood when she was very much alive. although, when she was being brought to the incinerator(?) the thing for creamtion, i almost cried, but i managed to hold it back... i still miss, those long talks with my mom in the morn... ALWAYS. ------------------ http://publish.hometown.aol.com/tobb...es/bahamut.gif You know what happened. We are ONE, WE ARE, ahh.. er... I AM http://www.hometown.aol.com/lasttrue...hiharumut1.gif 'S favorite pet pea-cock...teehee and... Stay ahead of the Avalanche or risk being buried...;) |
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I had an odd experience myself after my mother died - not right away, but first a few days after, then again, several times, a week or two afterwards. My family think I am crazy - I think I am crazy! And Moni will not understand how come I don't believe in an afterlife! Here 'tis: I was in bed in mom's house, (I stayed there till the funeral) and I heard a mosquito buzzing round my head. Not wanting to get bitten, I put on the light, so I could see to kill it (I DO kill mosquitoes!) and get back to sleep. No sign of it, though, so I put out the light and went back to sleep. No more buzzing. I thought nothing of it, then, though I did have a thought 'that's mom', which I dismissed. Back home a couple of weeks later I woke up with my mom's voice screaming my name. At the time I thought she sounded terrified, as though she had woken in the dark (she was afraid of the dark). But later, thinking about it, I thought she might just have been frustrated trying to make me hear her. Then the mosquito came back. We don't normally get mosquitoes round here, and anyway the bedroom window had been shut for several days 'cos it was cold. Tried to find it again, though, with no luck. Same thing happened several nights, and I kept on getting the idea that it was mom trying to talk to me. Finally I decided to try to talk back. I thought that if it was mom, and she sounded like a mosquito, she must be living much faster than me. So, speaking as rapidly, and at as high a pitch as I could manage, I said 'mom, you are too fast, I can't understand'. The mosquito shut up and I have not heard it since. It embarrasses me to relate this story. I don't believe people are alive after they are dead, and there are obviously simpler explanations which I would prefer to believe. But the feeling that it was mom was very strong. However, when someone close to you dies, you ARE in a very vulnerable state of mind... http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...les/ponder.gif ------------------ http://www.ranchoweb.com/images/bg2guy/bitchingcopy.gif http://www.ranchoweb.com/images/bg2guy/fljotsdale.gif http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...s/EEhearts.gif |
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I prefer to remember her as the jolly plump lady she was when I was young, her eyes smiling and she, always in the kitchen baking cookies or some other kind of goodies for us or people in need. She was a wonderful grandma and I was so stricken to see her dying that I did not go to the hospital to see her after the first time on her last trip there. I did not attend her funeral and I would not even have seen her headstone had my mother not shangheid me there when I told her one day I had never seen it. Some memories are best to just let be. I am glad I did not attend my father's funeral, I would have died inside to have had to see his lifeless body. It is a good thing that you have wonderful memories of your grandmother to hold on to. Don't ever let them go! (HUGS!) Your memories did trigger another one for me that is precious though and I would like to share it. My mother always hated looking at me because I look just like my dad. None of my brothers and sisters do, just me. From the time I was very young right up until one of the last times I ever spoke with her, my mother used to give me the the most hateful look and tell me "You're just like those people!" (my dad and his mother, what she believed to be the only sources of misery in her life). This comment only stems from her hatred of my genetics LOL and she couldn't handle having to raise me when every time she looked at me, she saw the man she claimed to be so in love with but fought with every time he came home (which was only once a week) so I learned early on not to let it get under my skin even though I really had to be afraid of her beating me for no reason and punishing me or putting me down constantly. My older brother and older sister took advantage of this and made my childhood a living hell. (My father was totally unaware of the way she treated me and beat me until I was seven years old and got fed up as well as scared for my life and told on her. He in turn beat her with the same metal flyswatter handle she had beat me with and threatened her life is she ever touched me again. I never got beat after that but was kept "grounded for life" until I ran away in my teens) Anyway, one year around Christmas time, ( I was 4 or 5 years old at the time) my brother and sister were in our bedroom making Christmas decorations out of construction paper and taping them to the closet door. When I entered the room, I asked if I could join them and they whispered to each other and then turned to me and snickering, said "Sure!" While I was cutting out and gluing together a red paper candle with an orange paper flame on a yellow paper (gold) base, they were taping the rest of their decoration to the door. When I was finished I asked for the tape to add mine and they said "Oh! We're all out of tape! You'll have to use glue!" So, I glued my decoration to the door! Once they checked that the glue was dry, they all of a sudden laughed, pointed at me and yelled "We're telling!" and ran out of the room calling mom to come see that I had GLUED a decoration to the door instead of using tape! (They used to love to do crap like this in order to see me get beaten). My mom came in and her face turned into that evil "I'm going to beat the crap out of you face" and as she started toward me, we all heard the front door open. Dad was home! The other kids left me there in the bedroom alone with my mother as they ran to the door yelling at dad to come and watch me get a spanking for gluing a Christmas decoration to the closet door! He entered the room and asked what was going on. My mother pointed at the candle and screamed at how stupid I was and how I needed to be punished for GLUING that THING to the closet door! My dad approached me and kneeled on the floor in front of me and asked me why I would glue it instead of taping it up there like the others had. I told him why and that I just wanted to have a decoration I had made there too. He turned to my mother and told her to leave me alone and to leave the candle where it was, it would wash off after Christmas. Then he gave my brother and sister a disappointed look and went out of the room. They followed, leaving me still standing there with my mother. She came up to me and bent down so that her face was right in mine and said to me through gritted teeth "You're SO lucky your dad just walked through that door right now! I should beat your ass ANYWAY!" and then she left, leaving me there just looking at the candle decoration I had made and wondering what made gluing it up there so bad! Well, she got all pissed off all over again after Christams was over and the candle part of the decoration would not come off of the door. My dad thought it was funny that she would get all bent out of shape over it and told her to get over it and to leave me alone about it PERIOD. Years later our house caught on fire and the bedroom AND the closet door survived with nothing but smoke damage...the now blackened red stem of the candle still stuck to the door. It was still there twenty years later when my dad sold the house and moved to FL. He still thought it was cute. http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...miles/wink.gif Moni ------------------ http://members.aol.com/lasttrueprincess/images/ltp4.gif [This message has been edited by Moni (edited 06-08-2001).] [This message has been edited by Moni (edited 06-08-2001).] |
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http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...es/biggrin.gif Moni |
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Interesting story though! It reminded me of a time when years after my grandmother's death, I was traveling across country on a bus and I heard someone calling my name. Without speaking out loud, I inquired with thought as to who it was and what they wanted. She told me who she was and proceeded to tell me of impending danger at the next stop in the form of a gang of young men that I needed to keep my distance from if I wanted to remain safe. She described each one, their heights, their hair,even their clothing! Needless to say, I was quite suprised to see a gang of young men at the next stop, each one exactly as she had described. I kept my distance as a precaution (thinking I could possibly be insane for hearing her) and made it onto the next bus safely. http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...es/biggrin.gif Moni ------------------ http://members.aol.com/lasttrueprincess/images/ltp4.gif |
Yeah, Moni, it can be amazing sometimes how things happen. Have you ever found yourself in a location you have never been before, but that you are familiar with from dreams? It has happened to me on a couple of occasions.
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I feel so very odd reading your posts, I dont have very many happy memories certainly much less so about my family. These are just emotions I know other people feel I dont, I feel privileged though to read these things they make this more human and I feel like I can reach out to you through these small words of mine.
I wont pull punchs my Grandmother was a religous fanatic she made mt grandads life hell, he was a this old fat guy who used to sit in his chair and smoke and eat all day sometimes he showed me how to use things in the garden but Im just told this I dont remember it. All I can remeber strongly about him are his hands with their veins raised out yellow marks from cigarettes kind of weatherbeaten as well he was a benevolent kind of guy very intelligant but he never got far, family members all say he should hae I dont know maybe its the comforting bullshit they spray about people when their dead and they dont get to treat them like crap anymore. As I was saying my gran was a religous nut and she used to go on and on always trying to Indoctrinate me, it made me sick. She was so militaristic about it and it really killed me, I guess she was sincere but it was very old testemant all oh the evil of the world, despite she could be vindictivly manipulative to her children always causing arguments saying things to hurt them and it would all be done so piously, I can get disgusted just thinking of it they all wanted to be less dominated and controlled by her, my aunt even had selfesteem books I dont know why they all stayed around her though. When she was dying it was real slow after 3 strokes unable to use half her body stuck in bed praying to god for death, screaming it I remember images of it being forced to sit there hold her hand keep her company as she was so unaware. She was a very frail woman, another image comes to mind now my mother screaming that I didnt care at half six in the morning on the way to school not even my fault we were late, completly frantic and angry in general. She apoligised that evening, I dont want to think about this anymore. I dont remember my other grandparents they died before I was born I didnt cliam to have happy memories and I dont revisit them often ------------------ http://www.facelink.com/edit/raw/raw...43/1922643.bmp |
Jabidas, you have shown how terrible manipulative people can be. And it doesn't matter if they are religious or not - it just seems worse when they pretend piety, though, doesn't it? My mom was the most manipulative person I ever knew. She wasn't a bad woman either. Very kind, very helpful; many, many people really loved her. But she used 'em all, used her family, too, to ensure everything always went the way she wanted it. A real Matriarch. I loved her, I was afraid of her, I wept when she died... but I was so, SO relieved when she died! 'Cos I was able to be the person I was without upsetting her. NO-ONE dared upset mom. If you did, she was so hurt and remote it was unbearable. Yet they never seem to realise, never understand what they are doing. Because they are so sure they are right. I always try to remember that she felt she was doing right, and had our best interests at heart. Maybe your grandmother felt the same way - that it was all for your benefit in the end.
------------------ http://www.ranchoweb.com/images/bg2guy/bitchingcopy.gif http://www.ranchoweb.com/images/bg2guy/fljotsdale.gif http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...s/EEhearts.gif [This message has been edited by Fljotsdale (edited 06-08-2001).] |
Ah yes I thought I was doing the right thing the eternal excuse of the thoughtlessly cruel, how it never ends. Im just glad im not getting some complete twit LoLing at me like a deranged chimp
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http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...iles/smile.gif Moni ------------------ http://members.aol.com/lasttrueprincess/images/ltp4.gif |
Jabidas, I don't think people like that are even aware of what they are doing. They are generally very insecure people, and they manipulate others so that they can have a sense of being able to control SOMETHING. At least, I believe that is how it starts out. Then they find they enjoy the sense of power it gives them. But I also think they genuinely feel they are right. Realising/believing that is sometimes the only way we can forgive them. And we need to forgive them, for our own sakes, not theirs ('cos they don't know they need to be forgiven!), otherwise we just embitter our own lives and make the lives of people around us just as miserable as THEY made ours.
I hope your life has not been too damaged by your experiences with your grandmother. ------------------ http://www.ranchoweb.com/images/bg2guy/bitchingcopy.gif http://www.ranchoweb.com/images/bg2guy/fljotsdale.gif http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...s/EEhearts.gif |
Jabidas,
I feel for you. I think Fljotsdale said it all in her first sentence of her earlier reply to you. My own mother was extremely manipulative and downright mean. Rather than being religious though, she was actually a practising witch who would beat her kids if they refused to go to church! Talk about hypocrisy and good ways to screw with kids' heads! My younger brother and I are the only two kids that ANYONE thinks has their heads together as compared to the rest that they will describe as "not playing with a full deck" "not all there all the time" and so on. They are emotional basket cases and most of them are older than me. She is still alive and I have come to the conclusion that she enjoys being evil. I doubt, with all that she has put me through that I will weep over her when she dies. I know I'll feel relieved that she is finally gone home to hell even though I pity her for the choices she has made and love her as one of God's creatures. Sometimes I wonder, with the luck I have had in trying to relate to her most of my life if I am cursed to have her outlive me. LOL. Probably so. Don't stress thinking you have no good memories of your family...you have good memories period I am sure and they are all precious no matter who they are of. I myself probably have more valuable memories of friends and teachers growing up than I do of most of my family members....read the above story about the Christmas decoration...that's how everyday life was with her and my siblings until I was seven years old...after that it gradually got worse, just without the beatings and I was not allowed to leave the house or the yard for the most part of the next 8 years. Love, Hugs & Peace My Friend, http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...iles/smile.gif Moni ------------------ http://members.aol.com/lasttrueprincess/images/ltp4.gif [This message has been edited by Moni (edited 06-10-2001).] |
I walk through life with my eyes open and I take nothing for granted, I refuse to except convention, my thoughts although cold are clear. I may not be a normal person but I never wanted to be, dont worry about me I always get by. Something that has stuck with me is that if life was easy there wouldnt be much point.
I know some people think im screwed up but then there the ones with the small little lives unable to face the world as it is. I dont believe in a god but I dont want one either. I live as I think I should I have my own moral code and I dont enforce it on other people. I dont really know what to write at this point except thanks for you support ------------------ http://www.facelink.com/edit/raw/raw...43/1922643.bmp |
My mom seems like an angel compared to yours, Moni! And Jabids' grandmother also sounds appalling. I guess I should be grateful.
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I like that and I agree. http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...es/biggrin.gif You are fine the way you are! Don't go thinking I am normal though LOL! Not by any means. http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...miles/wink.gif I am just luckier than most of my siblings in that I was able to get away from our mother able to think and do for myself and with moral standards that I think (my http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...miles/wink.gif ) God is proud of. Statistics have proven that most people imprisoned for violent crimes (murder and the like) come from backgrounds similar to my own. I am just one of the lucky ones in that respect. I doubt that society on a whole views me as any kind of normal though. http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...miles/wink.gif I am happy at least and I think that is what matters most. The way you speak here makes me think you have a good head on your shoulders and are quite capable of carrying yourself through. I shall "worry no more". http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...miles/wink.gif Just know that you have a friend in me if ever the need should arise. http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...iles/smile.gif Moni ------------------ http://members.aol.com/lasttrueprincess/images/ltp4.gif [This message has been edited by Moni (edited 06-08-2001).] |
Its been truly pleasant talking with both of you and its nice to have a conversation that means something.
You also have both made a friend tonight and if you ever need any help give me a call. ------------------ http://www.facelink.com/edit/raw/raw...43/1922643.bmp |
Will do!
Thank you very much! Hey I can finally see your sig! NICE!!!! http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...es/biggrin.gif http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...s/EEhearts.gif Moni ------------------ http://members.aol.com/lasttrueprincess/images/ltp4.gif |
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I'd just like to dedicated to my beloved Grandad,who died when I was 9/10.He was 58.He died of cancer, lung,and this was caused by smoking.Of course,when he started 40years ago,he didnt realise the dangers. I never knew my Grandad had cancer.I was never told.Just late one nite we drove down to Manchester (we lived about 30miles away),and I slept at my other Grandad's whilst my Mum and Dad were away. The next morning I got told about his passing.I was gutted. I went to the funeral,it was my first.I remember watching everybody cry.But I couldn't.I didn't understand the consequences really.I was too young.But know I understand, and I am very grateful for him being part of my life,and being my Grandad. I love you and will never forget you,ever. <center><font color="red">Terrence Kirk</font></center></font> ------------------ http://members.aol.com/lasttrueprinc...avindathar.gif |
<font color="plum">I would like to contribute to this page. I seem to have a problem with my feelings when a loved one passes away, because I have an ability to distance myself from the pain. I am angered at myself that I do this, though...because I have had problems with people thinking that I did not care for the passing of this or that person.
I lost my "Paw-Paw"(grand father) when I was three to cancer. OK, I was too small then to know anything. The next (that matters) was my "Mom-maw"(grand-mother, wife of previously deseased), just one year ago, also to cancer. At the funeral, I received the wicked comment, "Well you was not very close to her, anyway...". That bothered me, because of course I was close to her. She took care of me every Saturday-Sunday of my entire life! Next was my Great-Grand Mother.."Mama-Gee". She died after being a rotting corpse in a bed for 4 years. She was 99yr. old.(Half-blood, Cherokee). Well, I have never shed a tear in their passing, ever. WHY the Hell Not!!!!!!!!! My big concern is that my Mom is the next on the list. You name it, she's got it...Bone cancer, Disentegrating cartelige in her neck, some sort of Artheritis that is severe, and recently contracted "Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever", a disease contracted by being bit by an infected tick. It usually is deadly, if not taken care of soon, and usually leaves the perosn open to contracting such things as pnuemonia. My problem is that I am afraid that I cannot show anyone how much I will miss her. Yet, I know that the only person that ever would send me over-board would be my wife. Example...I had a bad feeling that something would go wrong at the hospital upon delivery of my first baby. When I am under pressure, I usually do not take the rational approach to things. I can become pretty violent. When I got to the hospital that night at 11:00pm, I knew that for everybody's sake, I needed my friend there, who would be the only one I knew of strong enough to keep me from killing any doctor that my delusional mind might pick as the one responsible for any accidents that may happen. He understood my worry, and stayed there with me until the baby was born, and everything with my wife was ok. He of course had to miss work the next day. I have had dreams where bad things happen to alot of people I know, but I only feel the pain when it is my wife that is hurt. I am sure that I would be ruined, not much worth to anybody after that. I may be suicidal. But who knows how we will react when the time comes... Sorry, I took this a bit off-topic, but I wanted to share everything I view, with those living, as well as the passed-on. </font> ------------------ http://members.aol.com/lasttrueprinc...ges/larry2.gif Loyal guardian of the OHF Devoted member of the Ironworks Only member of the Elite Bodyguard to Rikard (the fool that takes the bullet) Ertai's back-up Memnoch's chief look-out Member of the Ancients club Witness of the 4,000th post by Cloudposter |
[QUOTE]Originally posted by jabidas:
"I feel so very odd reading your posts, I dont have very many happy memories certainly much less so about my family. These are just emotions I know other people feel I dont, I feel privileged though to read these things they make this more human and I feel like I can reach out to you through these small words of mine." I have been through some times I do not like to talk about or think about. I love this cyber world I have discovered here at Ironworks. Where real people do reach out to each other with words and feelings, and they talk and they listen together. It is a special place that makes me feel privileged too. I seek it out. ------------------ http://www.wizardrealm.com/images/linda.gif I can do all things through Christ Jesus who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13 [This message has been edited by mammawlin (edited 06-08-2001).] |
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You know my dad was the only person close to me that I shed a tear for? I had seen all four of my grandparents die, my great grandmother, countless friends, a couple of young cousins and never once did I shed a tear. I view death as freedom of one's soul, no longer bound to bodies that are ravaged by cancers, diabetes and the like. When I got the news about my father I fell apart. I screamed, I howled and I cried. I cried for days. I still cry. Part of this is because if you have read any of my posts prior to this one, you have some idea of what a hero my dad was to me. The only one of my family members who treated me as part of their family. As distant as he could be in very emotional circumstances, he kept me from possibly being killed by my own mother. The light in his eyes when he smiled at me was special...for me alone. We both knew it and by the time I was a teenager, we were very close friends. The last time I saw him I was twenty years old. He got to know my son as a baby and saw him through his first birthday but never got to see him grow up. I had moved to AZ while he had moved to FL. We never saw each other again and for many years I would break down now and then just because I needed to see his smile, I needed to feel his hug. Nothing could replace the love my dad and I shared. Last year, I was hoping to go suprise him on Father's Day with an actual visit rather than a phone call. He died ten days before I could get there after 18 years apart. I am crying as I write this...torn because I can not hug my dad. Crying over the lost is a selfish thing. I am feeling sorry for myself, not for him. I can't help it because it hurts to the core of my being...I need that hug! There is nothing wrong with you if you believe that your wife may be the only person you cry for...you love her...you need her. My own family has accused me of being cold and uncaring that I shed no tears for the passing of those others who died. It is not true, I loved each of them in my own special way and they knew that! They know that now. They know and that is all that matters to me. Consider the source of that wicked comment to you regarding your Mom-Maw. Does this person really know just how close the two of you were? Are they someone whose opinion you think might have an effect on what your Mom-Maw would think of you? I believe your Mom-Maw knows what love you have in your heart for her and that you should let your hurt feelings go on that one. Forgive that person for their obvious ignorance of your relationship with your Mom-Maw. Is it that you haven't cried because you know wherever they are, they are no longer in pain? Are you relieved rather than bereaved that their suffering has ended? If so, there is no reason to cry and you should not have to! While your mother is still alive, tell her that you love her. You cannot judge your depth of love for people before they die. Believe me, I knew I would be sad when my dad passed away but I never knew the depth of the sorrow I would feel! I felt bad that I did not call him more often (the last time we had spoken was Christmas Day) but I knew at least that the last time I did talk to him, I told him I loved him very much and that I wished I could hug him. That made taking the loss a lot easier. A LOT. You yourself said "who knows how we will react when the time comes" That could not be a more true statement my friend. Just because you do not shed a tear does not mean you never cared. Embrace that knowledge and don't stress on it. You sound more normal to me than you do suicidal. http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...miles/wink.gif If you EVER need to talk about anything, know that you have a friend in me. Love, Hugs & Peace, Moni ------------------ http://members.aol.com/lasttrueprincess/images/ltp4.gif [This message has been edited by Moni (edited 06-09-2001).] |
Moni said it all Larry. I only ever REALLY cried for one person. Yes, I shed a few tears when my dad, then my mom died. But they were not painful tears, and only shed at the point of death (I had the good fortune to be with them both). Only one I threw a fit for was the man I loved when I found out he had inoperable cancer. And I shed most of my tears and did ALL the screaming when I got the news, not when he died.
Thing is, Larry, when you know someone you love is dying, you mostly do your mourning bit by bit, not all in one go when they actually die. By the time they die, you have already GONE THROUGH the mourning, almost without knowing it, sometimes. NO-ONE with any understanding would think you cold just 'cos you don't cry at the time, or at the funeral. It's normal! As for your powerful reaction to any danger your wife may be in - well, I'm not surprised. Everyone who was close to you has died and left you, and you are fearful of losing your mom. It is natural to be fearful for your wife! And how sensible you are, too, to take the precaution of having a friend with you to help you with your reaction had anything gone wrong. Seems to me, Larry, that you are a man of great sensitivity and common sense - are rare combination! ------------------ http://www.ranchoweb.com/images/bg2guy/bitchingcopy.gif http://www.ranchoweb.com/images/bg2guy/fljotsdale.gif http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...s/EEhearts.gif |
Larry
As Fljotsdale said. You have lost many whom you loved. The natural heightening of the fear of losing your wife is completely understandable. As for violence, it's not that unusual to worry about what you would do to someone else if they delivered bad news. The fact is you are, as far as I have seen a good and caring man. The way men are raised, the push to be strong and never show emotion, has hurt many of us. I don't know who the person was or why they said what they did about your not showing your pain, but it shows that they themselves are not wholly in tune with life. Live your life as you see fit. Tell those you love how much they mean to you as often as you can. Don't worry what others think of your lack of tears. They are shed as much on the inside as out. The things we feel inside, the love, fear and hope are more real than stone and last much longer than any material objects. They continue on with us when we leave this world, passing with us into that other place. As long as you love those who are gone they will always be with you and in this there is a measure of comfort. Take heart and trust that those you have lost know that you loved them well and truly. Gawd Bless. |
bump! MUCH too soon to be on page 2!
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Just sitting here reading all these posts, both happy and sad and I want to say thank you for reaching inside of yourselves and sharing these with us.
We moved from an apartment into our own house when I was 10. Next door to us lived an older couple, Mr. and Mrs. O'Connor. They were the nicest people. Mrs. O'Connor became like a second mother to me, my sister and brothers. Back in those days, I didn't feel very close to my mother and so I remember going next door and talking to Mrs. O'Connor. She would listen and offer advice. We'd sit and have something to drink and a snack or we would watch tv. When her husband died, we got even closer to her and started doing some chores for her. About 1971, she passed away and it was one of the saddest days of my life. I still remember her to this day and I have a white china cup and saucer which was hers and given to me by one of her sisters. I cherish that cup and everytime I look at that cup, I remember all the happy times we shared. ------------------ http://publish.hometown.aol.com/tobb...ady_avalon.gif http://hometown.aol.com/lasttrueprin...ladyavalon.gif |
Lady Avalon,
Thank you for your memories! I had an old couple too LOL! Mr. and Mrs. Osborne. They lived just a few houses up the street from us and their house was one of the few places I was allowed to go. Mrs. Osborne was ALWAYS in the kitchen! That lady cooked up a storm and always had a chocolate covered graham cracker with a glass of milk ready for me when I used to visit them. I can't for the life of me remember HOW I met them, just that I always had them. When our house burned down (for the most part) Mrs. Osborne bought me a pretty new dress that I got my school picture taken in. She was so proud that I picked it out to wear! Mr. Osborne was an archer when he was not watching television and let me sit in his backyard for hours on end and watch him shoot at his target. When I got big enough, he let me go get them (his arrows) for him. I was too young to really understand death or mourning for anyone and when Mrs. Osborne died, Mr. Osborne just explained to me that she had been called to Heaven because God needed her to be an angel and that was fine with me. I thought she would make the best angel God could have and was glad he picked her. http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...iles/smile.gif Mr. Osborne and I spent many afternoons together after that, me watching him shoot his arrows and he giving me my chocolate covered graham cracker. I can still smell their house LOL! Sweet dill and something sharp and bitter. Strange. He re-married a few years later and the new Mrs. Osborne did not like children. She was a stuffy old rich bat (LOL) who thought children should be seen and not heard. Seen at their own house and in their own yard. I talked to Mr. Osborne about her and he told me that she was quite different than the first Mrs. Osborne but that God had brought her to him because he needed her in his life and he had to respect her wishes that I no longer visit. After that, I could only wave to him as I passed his house on my way home from school. I did not love him any less, for he was a kind old man and I always wished him happiness with the new Mrs. Osborne. I did resent her though and I was reminded for many years afterward that I was not welcome in her home every time I saw her son on TV selling cars. (LOL) Ah, well, I can be thankful that I had them in my life for the length of time that I did and I am glad that I did not have to witness the passing of Mr. Osborne. I would have surely cried. They were truly a blessing to my life! Hugs! Moni ------------------ http://members.aol.com/lasttrueprincess/images/ltp4.gif [This message has been edited by Moni (edited 06-09-2001).] |
I had not read this thread until now, and even while posting, I don't know if I can find the right words....I am speechless...
Just wanted to thank everybody for being so open and sharing this....I wish I could do that http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...iles/smile.gif It feels as if we're being given a look inside your minds and feelings...it's pretty special... DAMN I wish I was a native speaker http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...es/biggrin.gif ------------------ Melusine, Archbabe of the Order of the Holy Flame and the Laughing Hyenas, & Official Entertainer Elf of the BG2 Bar http://www.angelfire.com/anime2/memnoch/mel1.gif Your voice is ambrosia |
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Thank you for responding! We did not mean to leave you speechless! http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...miles/wink.gif I hope, though, that the way you were touched by our memories was in a good way, a way that made your heart smile. http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...iles/smile.gif The way you write English, I would never know you were not a native speaker! Love, Hugs & Peace, http://www.tgeweb.com/cgi-bin/ubb/no...s/EEhearts.gif Moni |
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