20 Words That Really Should Exist by Rich Hall


1. ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid)
adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.

2. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus)
adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with
your toes.

3. AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um)
n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its
perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle,
or (b) squirting himself in the eye (or ear).

4. BURGACIDE (burg' uh side)
n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself
through the grill into the coals.

5. BUZZACKS (buz' aks)
n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and
listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not
connected.

6. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun)
n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint
at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it,
then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

7. DIMP (dimp)
n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do
you work here?"

8. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt')
v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing
on it, somehow assuming this will `remove' all the germs.

9. ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma)
n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.

10. EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz)
n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter
what direction you lean in, follow suit.

11. ELBONICS (el bon' iks)
n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie
theater.

12. ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun)
n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the
faster it will arrive.

13. FRUST (frust)
n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan
and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give
up and sweep it under the rug.

14. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun)
n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that
one has to resort to the `illegal' side.

15. NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see)
n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.

16. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay')
n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be
walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

17. PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik)
adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.

18. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n.
The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were
calling just as they answer.

19. PUPKUS (pup' kus)
n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

20. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun)
n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you
pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.




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http://www.vaulscastle.com/games/bg/portsf/FHum02L.jpg
Defender for the Light -
Goodness knows there is a lot of Dark out there!! - Where are my matches?!?
Aquisition master of the Finest of Humours - and the Killer Joke :D
Musketeer of Fast Fourward
Looking for lost brain - I left it only for a moment....
Muse and Eternal Love of KDogRex

Dear Cecil:

We were having a heated argument the other day that it's impossible to
clap without using both hands. But then someone piped up that the
Chinese have found a way of clapping using one hand only. Can they do
it? Can anyone? --Frank N., Baltimore

Cecil replies:

I notice, Frank, that you hail from Baltimore, a city whose residents
fall into one of two categories, in my observation: (1) persons of
exceeding wit and ingenuity, and (2) complete idiots. Your letter, quite
honestly, lends itself equally well to either proposition. Let us start
with the latter.

(1) You are an idiot. There is this thing called a "joke," Frank, that
you may want to look into sometime. A joke is a display of cleverness
intended to engender yux. There are, however, certain rather thick
personages who require advance notice if they are to recognize a joke
when they see one. In polite society it is customary when in the
presence of these personages to signal the onset of a joke by means of
some subtle stratagem, such as a gong, large firecracker, or air-raid
siren. Clearly your so-called friends could stand a lesson in
thoughtfulness. For further insight, see (2) below.

(2) You are a person of exceeding wit and ingenuity, and your letter is
actually a coy recasting of a famous Zen Buddhist koan, or riddle, such
as Zen masters use to instruct their pupils. The koan in question,
devised by the Japanese Zen master Hakuin (1686-1769), is as follows: In
clapping both hands, a sound is heard. What is the sound of one hand?
(In casual discussion this is usually corrupted to: What is the sound of
one hand clapping?)

Unsophisticated persons are generally inclined to answer with something
like "half a clap," which signifies that they have not yet achieved
Buddha nature. After several years of dedicated meditating, however,
they learn the correct response, which is to face the questioner, assume
an appropriate Buddhist posture, and without a word thrust one hand
forward. I learn this from The Sound of the One Hand: 281 Zen Koans With
Answers by Hau Hoo, which is my idea of an admirably no-bullshit
approach to cosmic enlightenment.

I realize that the allegedly correct response in this case is a little
on the enigmatic side, but that is Zen Buddhism for you. It is by
ruminating assiduously on such mysteries that we learn to free our minds
from the strictures of linear thinking and grasp the essence of the
void. Other effective methods of combating linear thinking are Quaaludes
and old Magnum P.I. reruns, two excellent examples of the way modern
technology enriches ancient religious practice.

The other Zen koan you may want to take note of is said to have been
composed by the Japanese Zen master Joshu (778-897), and goes as
follows: Does a dog have Buddha nature? The correct answer is Mooooo,
uttered in a sort of plaintive bellow.

In the interest of perfect technical accuracy I suppose I should mention
that the conventional spelling here is usually Mu, which is Zen Buddhist
for "a question that is so dumb as to defy belief." However, Mooooo
seems to me to be infinitely more expressive and meaningful to noble
children of the sod such as ourselves, particularly those who live in
Iowa. Anyway, Frank, I am glad you brought up the subject. We cannot
learn about foreign cultures unless we ask.

FURTHER INSIGHT FROM THE TEEMING MILLIONS

Re your recent discussion, the sound of one hand clapping is, as any
true friend of Jimmy Rockford can tell you, the sound of a slap in the
face. --Evelyn M., San Quentin, California

Once again I marvel at the subtle ways in which Westerners assimilate
the wisdom of the Orient.

--CECIL ADAMS

Proctologists

-= proctologists =-= 1 =-----------------------------------------------------

Proctologist: A doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.
Proctologist: A brain surgeon for lawyers.

-= proctologists =-= 2 =-----------------------------------------------------

A proctologist is the rare profession in which the M.D. starts out at the
bottom and stays there.

-= proctologists =-= 3 =-----------------------------------------------------

Two proctologists are discussing their most baffling cases. One proctologist
tells the other one about the time he put his hand into a patient and pulled out
a large bouquet of flowers. The other proctologist looked really amazed and
asked, "Where did those flowers come from?" The other proctologist answered
very cooly, "How should I know. There wasn't any card!!"

-= proctologists =-= 4 =-----------------------------------------------------

A proctologist pulls out a thermometer from his shirt pocket. He looks at it
and says, "Shit, some asshole has my pen."

The following are all replies that have been included on Child Support
Agency forms in the section for "Listing Father's Details":

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins child A was
fathered by [name removed]. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child
B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was
being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can
provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this
helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party [address and date given] where I had unprotected
sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good
that fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his
phone number ? Thanks

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives
a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had
it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from Pope
confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is
Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that
to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications
for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by my
country please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squadies look
the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. [name given] is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him
can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs ?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro
Disney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I
remember for sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening.
If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at
[address given] mine might have remained unfertilised.

WOW, me gotz no time to read for now caushe gota go for da tesht, me will be back latr for sure!!

BTW, how you poshted four poshts in no time? Memnoch givez you special permissions? ARRRRAAAAAGGGHHHH ME WILL CRUSH HIM!!!!

j/k http://www.tgeweb.com/ironworks/cgi-...es/biggrin.gif

"Smart Dog in Training"

Morris gets a new dog and can't wait to show him off
to his neighbor. So when the neighbor comes over,
the guy calls the dog into the house, bragging about
how smart he is. The dog quickly comes running and
stands looking up at his master, tail wagging furiously,
mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with
anticipation.

Morris points to the newspaper on the couch and
commands, "FETCH!"

Immediately, the dog climbs onto the couch and sits
down. His tail wagging stops and the doggie-smile
disappears. Looking balefully up at his master, he
says in a whiny voice.....

......"You think this is easy wagging my tail all the time?
Oy! It hurts from so much wagging! And you think
that designer dog food you're feeding me is good?
You try it. It's dreck! Too salty! And what do you care?
You just push me out the door to take a squirt twice
a day. I can't even remember the last time you took
me out for a good walk."

The neighbor is amazed. "What the hell is that?
Your dog is sitting there talking!!"

"Oh, I know", explains the dog owner, "He's young,
and I'm still training him. He thought I said KVETCH!

Here are a few genuine news bloopers gleaned from American newspapers. These were taken from an article by Richard Lederer, author of "Anguished English".

On behalf of Barbara Rutledge and her family, our sincere thanks go out to those sending flowers, cards and contributing to the death of her husband.

The airplane was only a few feet from the ground when it crashed,
witnesses said.

With the exception of victimless crimes (which need not concern us here), every single crime committed in this nation of ours involves a victim.

A purple lady's bicycle was missing from Serendipity Lane recently.

Chairman Billings asked Board members to muster support from
parent-teacher groups to support the governor's task force on driving while intoxicated.

He hasn't even had his day in court yet, but Simon Wynne has been kicked off the ESU basketball team after being arrested and accused of driving a parked car while intoxicated.

Montreal police don't hesitate to use whatever laws, regulations or
persuasion they feel they need to control morality in the city and prevent it from getting a foothold.

A college friendship that began a year ago ended in matrimony yesterday.

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man

Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy

Autos Killing 110 a Day--Let's Resolve to Do Better

20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar

War Dims Hope For Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation

Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years

March Planned For Next August

Blind Bishop Appointed To See

Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip

L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide

Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through

Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al.

Diaper Market Bottoms Out

Croupiers On Strike--Management: "No Big Deal"

Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest

Just stopping by to say hello, and I really liked the "Dear Cecil" one a lot ! http://www.tgeweb.com/ironworks/cgi-...iles/smile.gif


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So long !


R³ - new, much improved signature under construction !

http://www.angelfire.com/rpg/castletainly/gifs/cow.gif

[This message has been edited by Ramon de Ramon y Ramon (edited 04-05-2001).]

Government terms and what they really mean

CONTRACTOR -- A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.

BID OPENING -- A poker game in which the losing hand wins.

BID -- A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.

LOW BIDDER -- A contractor who is wondering what he left out of his bid.

ENGINEER'S ESTIMATE -- The cost of construction in heaven.

PROJECT MANAGER -- The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.

CRITICAL PATH METHOD - A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.

OSHA -- A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and baloney -- usually applied at random with a shotgun.

STRIKE -- An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.

DELAYED PAYMENT -- A tourniquet applied at the pockets.

COMPLETION DATE -- The point at which liquidated damages begin.

LIQUIDATED DAMAGES -- A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.

AUDITOR -- People who go in after the war is lost and bayonet the wounded.

LAWYER -- People who go in after the auditors and strip the bodies.

Dear Special Interest,

Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government OfficialTM.

With regular maintenance your Government OfficialTM should provide you
with a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential
legislation and other fine services. Before you begin using your
product, we would appreciate it if you would take the time to fill out
this customer service card. This information will not be sold to any
other party, and will be used solely to aid us in better fulfilling
your future needs in political influence.

1. Which of our fine products did you buy?

__ President
__ Vice-President
__ Senator
__ Congressman
__ Governor
__ Cabinet Secretary - Commerce
__ Cabinet Secretary - Other
__ Other Elected Official (please specify) _____________________
__ Other Appointed Official (please specify) ____________________

2. How did you hear about your Government OfficialTM? Please check all
that apply.

__ TV ad.
__ Magazine / newspaper ad.
__ Shared jail cell with.
__ Former law partner of.
__ Unindicted co-conspirator with.
__ Arkansas crony of.
__ Procured for.
__ Related to.
__ Recommended by lobbyist.
__ Recommended by organized crime figure.
__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (On Internet.)
__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (Elsewhere.)
__ Spoke at fundraiser at my temple.
__ Solicited bribe from me.

3. How do you expect to use your Government OfficialTM?
(Please check all that apply)

__ Obtain lucrative government contracts.
__ Have my prejudices turned into law.
__ Obtain diplomatic concessions.
__ Obtain trade concessions.
__ Have embargo lifted from own nation / ally.
__ Have embargo imposed on enemy / rival nation / religious infidels.
__ Obtain patronage job for self / spouse / mistress.
__ Forestall military action against self / allies.
__ Instigate military action against internal enemies / aggressors /
targets for future conquest.
__ Impede criminal / civil investigation of self / associates / spouse.
__ Obtain pardon for self / associates / spouse.
__ Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies / rivals / hated ethnic

groups.
__ Inflict punitive regulation on business competitors / environmental
exploiters / capitalist pigs.

4. What factors influenced your purchase? (Please check all that apply)

__ Performance of currently owned model.
__ Reputation.
__ Price.
__ Appearance.
__ Party affiliation.
__ Professed beliefs of Government OfficialTM.
__ Actual beliefs of Government OfficialTM.
__ Orders from boss / superior officer / foreign government.
__ Blackmail.
__ Celebrity endorsement.

5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned
Government OfficialTM? ______

If you answered "yes," please indicate your reason(s) for changing
models.

__ Excessive operating / maintenance costs.
__ Needs have grown beyond capacity of current model.
__ Defect in current model:
__ Dead.
__ Senile.
__ Indicted.
__ Convicted.
__ Resigned in disgrace.
__ Switched parties / beliefs.
__ Outbribed by competing interest.

Thank you for your valuable time. Always remember: in choosing a
Government OfficialTM you have chosen the best politician that money
can buy.

WARNING, CAUTION, DANGER, AND BEWARE!
Gullibility Virus Spreading over the Internet!

WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular
Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows up in their inbox or on their browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it is called, apparently makes people believe and forward copies of silly hoaxes relating to cookie recipes, email viruses, taxes on modems, and get-rich-quick schemes.

"These are not just readers of tabloids or people who buy lottery
tickets based on fortune cookie numbers," a spokesman said. "Most are otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told to them by a stranger on a street corner." However, once these same people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe anything they read on the Internet.

"My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone," reported one
weeping victim. "I believe every warning message and sick child story my friends forward to me, even though most of the messages are anonymous."

Another victim, now in remission, added, "When I first heard about Good
Times, I just accepted it without question. After all, there were dozens of other recipients on the mail header, so I thought the virus must be true." It was a long time, the victim said, before she could stand up at a Hoaxees Anonymous meeting and state, "My name is Jane, and I've been hoaxed." Now, however, she is spreading the word. "Challenge and check whatever you read," she says.

Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the
virus, which include the following: the willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking, the urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others, a lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if a story is true.

T.C. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one reporter,
"I read on the Net that the major ingredient in almost all shampoos makes your hair fall out, so I've stopped using shampoo." When told about the Gullibility Virus, T.C. said he would stop reading email, so that he would not become infected.

Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately.
Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and tall tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet community.

Courses in critical thinking are also widely available, and there is
online help from many sources, including:

Department of Energy Computer Incident Advisory Capability at
http://ciac.llnl.gov/ciac/CIACHoaxes.html
Symantec Anti Virus Research Center at
http://www.symantec.com/avcenter/index.html
McAfee Associates Virus Hoax List at
http://www.mcafee.com/support/hoax.html Dr. Solomons Hoax Page at
http://www.drsolomons.com/vircen/hoax.html
The Urban Legends Web Site at
http://www.urbanlegends.com
Urban Legends Reference Pages at
http://www.snopes.com
Datafellows Hoax Warnings at
http://www.Europe.Datafellows.com/news/hoax.htm

Those people who are still symptom free can help inoculate themselves
against the Gullibility Virus by reading some good material on evaluating sources, such as:

Evaluating Internet Research Sources at
http://www.sccu.edu/faculty/R_Harris/evalu8it.htm
Evaluation of Information Sources at
http://www.vuw.ac.nz/~agsmith/evaln/evaln.htm
Bibliography on Evaluating Internet Resources at
http://refserver.lib.vt.edu/libinst/critTHINK.HTM

Lastly, as a public service, Internet users can help stamp out the
Gullibility Virus by sending copies of this message to anyone who forwards them a hoax.

************************************************** ********
This message is so important, we're sending it anonymously!
Forward it to all your friends right away! Don't think about it!
This is not a chain letter! This story is true! Don't check it out!
This story is so timely, there is no date on it!
This story is so important, we're using lots of exclamation points!
For every message you forward to some unsuspecting person, the Home for
the Hopelessly Gullible will donate ten cents to itself.
(If you wonder how the Home will know you are forwarding these messages
all over creation, you're obviously thinking too much.)
************************************************** ********

ACT NOW! DON'T DELAY! LIMITED TIME! NOT SOLD IN ANY STORE!

So, is Windows a virus? No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1. They replicate quickly - Okay, Windows does that.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing the system down -
Okay, Windows does that.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - Okay, Windows
does that, too.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable
programs and systems. Sigh ... Windows does that, too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too
slow and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:

1. Viruses are well supported by their authors.

2. Viruses are running on most systems.

3. Their program code is fast, compact and efficient.

4. They tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

Therefore, Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.

(The movie opens in a suburban home, where, the heroine is having
breakfast with her adorable son.)

HEROINE : Well, it's a peaceful day! No sign of any disasters!
SON: Mom, do you have a husband or romance interest?
HEROINE : No, Bobby, although I am a top scientist and very attractive.

(The phone rings.)

HEROINE : Uh-oh! I hope that's not a worker from the lab, calling to
tell me about an impending disaster!
LAB WORKER : Trish, a disaster is impending!
HEROINE : I'll be right there! (To her sonhttp://www.tgeweb.com/ironworks/cgi-...iles/smile.gif Bobby, you stay here and
be vulnerable.
SON : Mom, will the disaster end up striking this exact house and
placing me in grave danger?
HEROINE : Of course!

(We see an exterior shot of the White House. Inside, the president,
looking grim, is holding an emergency Cabinet meeting.)

PRESIDENT : Haven't I seen that exterior shot before?
VICE PRESIDENT : It's the same one they use in the Tom Clancy movies.
PRESIDENT : OK, somebody set up the plot.
SCIENCE ADVISER : Mr. President, unless something is done, a disaster
is going to strike in 90 minutes, sending miniature cars flying in all
directions.
PRESIDENT : Ninety minutes! Why so long?
SCIENCE ADVISER : We need to build up the suspense.
GENERAL : Sir, we must launch a nuclear strike against Houston!
PRESIDENT : Why?
GENERAL : I hate Houston.
PRESIDENT (To the hero) : Jake, you're incredibly good-looking.
I want you to take your minority sidekick and get over to the
laboratory immediately and develop a romance interest with the
heroine.
HERO : I'll do what I can, sir.

(The next scene is in the laboratory. The hero and heroine are staring
intently at a computer screen.)

HEROINE : . . . and so by using the mouse pointer, you can drag the
three of clubs over onto the four of diamonds.

(A lab worker rushes up.)

LAB WORKER : Trish, the pantograph is giving us a vector plasma reading
in the cosine range!
HERO : What does that mean?
HEROINE : Nothing. It's movie science gibberish. But it's time for the
disaster! And my son is home alone!

(The scene shifts to the heroine's neighbourhood. People are screaming;
miniature cars are flying everywhere.)

HEROINE : This is terrible! Thousands of people are being killed!
HERO : It's OK! They're extras!
SON : Help! Help!
HEROINE : My God! It's Billy!
SON : No, it's Bobby!
HEROINE : Oh, right.
HERO : I'll save him!
HEROINE : Watch out for the special effects!

(The hero, dodging miniature flying cars, saves the son.)

HEROINE : Now we can be a family unit!
SON : With Val Kilmer? I thought the hero was going to be Tom Cruise.

HERO : He wasn't available.

(The final scene takes place back to the White House, where everybody is
relieved.)

PRESIDENT : Whew! Although we lost 124 million people, all the main
characters survived except the minority sidekick!

(The Cabinet applauds.)

GENERAL : So now can we attack Houston?
PRESIDENT: OK by me.

(THE END)

1. You remember when Jordache jeans with a flat handle comb in the back pocket was cool.

2. In your class picture you were wearing an Izod shirt with the collar up.

3. You know by heart the words to any Weird Al Yankovic song.

4. You ever rang someone's doorbell and said "Landshark!"

5. Three words: ATARI, IntelliVision and Coleco, sound familiar.

6. You remember the premier of MTV, in fact, you remember the Friday Night Videos before the days of MTV.

7. A predominant color in your childhood photos is plaid.

8. While in high school, you and your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play Prince's "1999" until you passed out partying.

9. You remember when music that was labeled alternative, really was alternative. And when alternative comedy really was funny.

10. You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the minivan.

11. You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.

12. You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases: When I was younger... When I was your age... You know, back when...

13. Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language.

14. You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna or Cyndi Lauper video.

15. The first time you ever kissed someone at a dance came during either "Crazy for You" or "Leather and Lace"

16. You remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made our old Big Wheel quite obsolete.

17. The phrase "Where's the beef," still doubles you over with laughter.

18. You honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.

19. You had a crush on either Ted the photographer on The Love Boat, Gage from Emergency or Ponch the motorcycle cop from CHiPs.

20. Your hair at some point in time in the 80's became something which can only be described by the phrase, "I was experimenting."

21. You've shopped at a United Colors of Benetton.

22. You're starting to believe now that maybe having the kids go to school year round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.

23. You're doing absolutely nothing pertaining to your major.

24. U2 is too popular and mainstream for you now.

25. You remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch from the first scene.

26. You had a front row seat for Luke and Laura's wedding on General Hospital.

27. Your parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided

it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes anyway.

28. You know who shot JR.

29. Loves Baby Soft was in every girls' Christmas stocking.

30. This rings a bell: "...and my name is Charlie. They work for me."

31. You were unsure if Diet Coke would ever catch on after all.

32. You know all the words to the double album set of Grease.

33. You ever had a Dorothy Hammill haircut.

34. You sat with your friends on a Friday night and dialed 867-5309 to see if Jenny would answer.

35. "All skate, change directions," means something to you.

36. You owned a pair of Rainbow suspenders just like Mork used to wear.

37. You bought a pair of Vanns and wanted to order a pizza in history

class so you could be just like Jeff Spicoli.

38. You owned a preppy handbook.

39. You were too young to go see the Blue Lagoon so you just had to settle for second hand reports.

40. You remember when movies were only PG and R.

41. You learned to swim about the same time Jaws came out and still carry the emotional scars to this day.

42. You remember when your cable TV box had a sliding selector switch.

43. Your jaw would ache by the time you finished those brick-sized packages of Bazooka gum.

44. You remember Bo and Luke Duke.

45. VCRs cost $2,000.

46. There was nothing strange about Bert and Ernie living together.

47. You remember rotary dial telephones.

48. You actually believed that Mikey, famed for his Life cereal commercials, died after eating a packet of pop rocks and drinking a Coke.

49. The theme song to Greatest American Hero still comes back to you on occasion (BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I'M WALKING ON AIR...)

50. "Members Only" Jackets ... say no more.

51. When "turn the channel" meant you actually had to get up and turn the dial on the TV.

52. When the "discs" you bought actually had music on BOTH sides.

53. When you remember putting "wings" in your hair.

54. PAC MAN fever - usually followed by TETRIS.

55. Rubix cubes kept you up nights.

56. Taping albums on cassette so you could listen on the NEW Walkman!

T-SHIRTS FOR WOMEN WHO DON'T TAKE CRAP
1- I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
2- Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
3- Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
4- Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
5- Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
6- I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
7- Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
8- You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
9- Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
10- Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?
11- I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
12- Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
13- I hate everybody, and you're next.
14- Please don't make me kill you.
15- And your point is...
16- I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
17- All stressed out and no one to choke.
18- I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
19- How can I miss you if you won't go away?
20- Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

Sally decides to do something wild that she hasn't done before, so she
sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video.

She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while,
selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable,
and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but
static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

Sally said, "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing
on the tape but static."

The store clerk replied, "Sorry about that. We've had problems with
some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

Sally answers, "It's called 'Head Cleaner'."

You might be from Wisconsin if ...

you define Summer as three months of bad sledding...
your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar...
snow tires come standard on all your cars...
at least 50% of your relatives work on a dairy farm...
you have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week...
you can identify a Michigan accent...
you know what "cow-tipping" is.....
"Down South" to you means Chicago...
a brat is something you eat ...
you know that Eau Claire is not something you eat.....
you have no problem spelling Milwaukee..
you don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Pabst Blue Ribbon...
you used to think Deer Season was included as an official school
holiday...
You know that Gotham is a real city...
You can actually pronounce and spell Oconomowoc...
the snow on your roof in August weighs more than you do...
you go out for fish fry on every Friday...
you go to work in a snowsuit in the morning and return home
wearing shorts...
when you tell someone where you are from and they say:
'I thought that was part of Canada...
your idea of the seasons is Winter, Spring and the 4th of July...
you know how to polka....
you think that Lutheran and Catholic ARE the major religions.....
formal wear is a flannel shirt, blue jeans and a baseball cap...
you define "swimming season" as Labor Day weekend...
your 4th of July Family Picnic was moved indoors due to frost...
you know where Waunakee is AND can pronounce it...
you have more fishing poles than teeth...
you decided to have a picnic this summer because it fell on
a weekend...

A report from a blonde programming team to the Y2K project management
...

Our staff has completed the 3 kears of work on time and on budget. We
have gone through everk line of code in everk program in everk skstem.
We have analkzed all databases, all data files, including backups and
historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.

We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" change
mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all
data to reflect the following new standards:

Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September,
October, November, December

and...

Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak.

further...

Kears were a breeze, since thek are onlk spelled out in the Legal
department's applications, and won't be effected until two thousand and
twentk ankwak.

I trust that this is satisfactork, because to be honest, none of this
Y-to-K problem has made ank sense to us. But we understand it is a
global problem, and our team is glad to help in ank wak possible. And
what does the kear 2000 have to do with it?

We'll await kour answer."

Sincerelk,
Mark

Service with a Smile

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned
to visit on his vacation. He wrote:

I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed
and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room
with me at night?

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, I've been
operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes or silverware or pictures off the walls.

I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being
drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes,
indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too.

By Karl Alabrecht and Ron Zenke Service America
from Condensed Chicken Soup for the Soul Copyright 1996 by Jack
Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen & Patty Hansen

The preacher said that, for a change, he would call out a word
and anyone who could think of a hymn that involved that word,
just start singing and we will all join in.

He called out WOOD...and in just a second 10 people started
singing The "Old Rugged Cross."

He called out LOVE, and a little 6 year old started singing
"Jesus Loves me."

He then called out SEX. Not a sound.

Again he called out SEX. A little old lady in the back row
suddenly stood up and started singing, "Precious Memories".

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You
know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in
Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and
buy everything they'll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are
constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more
people gather to watch them at work.

The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes
back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able to catch him, he falls again,
bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding.
Again, the second guy misses him.

The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back
pretty messed p - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost
unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time, and
says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

The first guy says, "No, the cord is fine, but what the hell is a piñata?"

Somebody left a glass of milk next to the keyboard. Reaction?

Optimist:
The glass is half full.

Pessimist:
The glass is half empty.

Futurist:
The milk's in the wrong half of the glass.

Pascal programmers:
Well, what type of milk is it?

C Programmers:
No thanks; I drink straight from the jug.

Assembly programmers:
No thanks; I drink straight from the cow.

MIS Analyst:
I'LL DRINK IT IF YOU CAN GIVE ME UNTIL NEXT YEAR.

Fuzzy logic guys:
I may or may not have drunk some part of that milk.

Prolog programmers:
I know I drank it - just don't ask me how.

Non-procedural language programmers:
I drank it when nobody was looking.

Pentium users:
I drank Glass * .49999999 . . . but don't hold me to that.

Windows users:
Where's my straw?

Mac users:
Where's my pump?

UNIX users:
Nahh . . . too easy.

Shareware game author:
That glass is free; the next one you have to pay for.

Security consultant:
Where'd the rest of the milk go?

CIA:
What makes you think that's milk?

NSA:
We know what it really is.

Copy protection crazies:
Somebody drank half my milk and didn't pay for it!

Free Software Foundation:
That milk is the cow's contribution to all mankind!

Schroedinger:
That damned cat got into the milk again!

Bill Gates:
Not enough market share to be Microsoft Milk.

Apple Computer:
You guys really oughta be drinking Perrier.

IBM:
Rent the glass from us and we'll fill it with something we know is good for you.

IRS:
Thanks for getting your milk witholding correct this year.

These are actual answers given on High School Science Tests:

Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils while others preferred
to be oil.

All animals were here before mankind. The animals lived peacefully until mankind came along and made roads, houses, hotels and condoms.

Men are mammals and women are femammals.

Proteins are composed of a mean old acid.

The largest mammals are to be found in the sea because there is nowhere else to put them.

Involuntary muscles are not as willing as voluntary ones.

Methane, a greenhouse gas, comes from the burning of trees and cows.

The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and
you sit on the bottom.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Some people say we condescended from the apes.

The leopard has black spots which look like round soars on its body.
Those who catch soars get leprosy.

The three cavities of the body are the head cavity, the tooth cavity and
the abominable cavity.

Most books say the sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back
into the sun in the daytime.

Cadavers are dead bodies that have donated themselves to science. This procedure is called gross anatomy.

A liter is a nest of young baby animals.

The earth makes a resolution every 24 hours.

Parallel lines never meet unless you bend one or both of them.

Algebra was the wife of Euclid.

A circle is a figure with 0 corners and only one side.

A right angle is 90 degrees Farenhight.

Genetics explains why you look like your father and if you don't, why you should.

A supersaturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a
great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.

If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.

Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

When oxygen is combined with anything, heat is given off. This is known as constipation.

As the rain forests in the Amazon are shrinking, so are the Indians.

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to
getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit so never mind.

H&R Block rep's Note: Sometimes a story comes to our attention that
needs no polishing or enhancement to make it a good Block tax story.
This is one of those. It is a real letter submitted to the IRS in the
midst of last year's weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions,
and credits. We believe the letter speaks for itself.

Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the
three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I
have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are
evil & expensive. It's only fair that since they are minors and not my
responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to
care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over
the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and
reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you
put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions
about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed
to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should
be a breeze; next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful
that you will now be responsible for that little expense.

While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't
run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating
some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early
to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she
possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I
have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of
abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is
always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this
in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Joycelyn Elders, who had
a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a
little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner
himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February, I was
awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing
Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you
like him delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, Utah? Kids at 14
will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye,
temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have
plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after
instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number
with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging
hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more
peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them
unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables,
vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a
source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and
976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by
magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She
came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads,
sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be
raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading
courses. Hooked On Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good
news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that
you are denying! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask
the other two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of
terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand
the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the
hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her
to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing
Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy
and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a
fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can
handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, as she sort of
"nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the
entire thing than find out what it is really made of. You denied two of
the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which two you
will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I still go bankrupt with
Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two oldest then I
still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you
take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a
military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as
possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover
the $395 in additional tax and to make a down payment on an airplane.

Yours Truly,
Bob

Note: The taxpayer in question added this caveat at a later date: "Rats,
they sent me the refund and allowed the deductions."

The FBI Agent and the Pizza Man

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital...

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front
doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back
to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to
bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have
the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don't think so. ::: click :::

(These are selections from a book called "Then Some Other Things
Happened", a collection of short pieces about history written by eigth
graders and compiled by Bill Lawrence, a teacher and columnist. Wording
and spelling have not been changed.)

PILGRAM INTERUPTERS

The Pilgrams were a bunch of English wonderers who wanted to worship as
they wanted to. They excaped the Church of England and came over here
because they heard that American churches were different.

The May Flower was the ship with which they came in. It didn't have a
bathroom on board so there was quite an oder. Priscillia Mullins was the
captain.

First the Pilgrams had gone to Holland but left when their children
started developing customs there. After a stopover at Williamsbug when a
large storm blew them off course they landed on a big, slimey rock in
Massatusetts. They spent the winter there.

Before they got off the ship even they drew up an agreement for the
people of Plymouth to agree on the voting for governors and congressmen.
They kept this hid in the May Flower Compact. Lord Delaware was elected
the first governor of Plymouth Rock.

A friendly Indian named Rhone Oak showed the Pilgrams how to plant corn
by putting it in the ground. Rhone Oak had been the first Indian to come
to America and always wanted a beer. He traveled around with Miles
Standy and translated language. He knew enough English to interupt.

Another interupter for the white man was Squanto, who was called that
because he was so short. Squanto drew up a declaration to give the
settlers freedom of government in the new land. The Pilgrams gave the
Indians thanks for all this and that's what started Thanksgiving.

The Pilgrams then appointed Thanksgiving as a national holiday. Abraham
Lincoln later pronounced it and gave it to them and it soon became a
national holiday all around the world.

These people always wore old shoes with a big buckel on the top of them.
The men wore pants that only came a little ways past the knees and the
girls wore funny bonets.

But if these people wouldn't had of come to America the United States
wouldn't be like it is today.

Headlines for the Apocolypse:

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD.

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS.

National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN?

Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE.

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE.

Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER.

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING.

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR.

Readers Digest: 'BYE.

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE
WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN.
TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE.

Microsoft's Web Site: If you didn't experience the rapture,
download software patch RAPT777.EXE.




[This message has been edited by Charean (edited 04-06-2001).]

How to Write Good

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
3. The adverb always follows the verb.
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. Remember to never split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate
quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly
superfluous.
14. Be more or less specific.
15. Understatement is always best.
16. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
18. The passive voice is to be avoided.
19. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
20. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
21. Who needs rhetorical questions?
22. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
23. Don't never use a double negation.
24. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point
25. Do not put statements in the negative form.
26. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
27. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
28. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of
repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
29. A writer must not shift your point of view.
30. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a
preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
31. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!!!!!!
32. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences,
as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
33. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
34. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
35. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
36. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
37. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular
nouns in their writing.
38. Always pick on the correct idiom.
39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; they're old hat;
seek viable alternatives.

What is a human resource? Does your organization struggle with the
problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for
ensuring success in job placement.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a
room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours,
without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what
they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security

And if they've left early, put them in Sales.

NEWSFLASH!!!!!

SEVEN SOFTWARE COMPANIES ADDED TO "WATCH LIST"

New York -- People for Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS) announced
today that seven more software companies have been added to the group's
"watch list" of companies that regularly practice software testing.

"There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that
companies like these can market new products," said Ken Grandola,
spokesperson for PETS. "Alternative methods of testing these products
are available."

According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lengthly
and arduous tests, often without rest, for hours or days at a time.
Employees are assigned to "break" the software by any means necessary,
and inside sources report that they often joke about "torturing" the
software.

"It's no joke," said Grandola. "Innocent programs, from the day they are
compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and "crashed" for hours on end.
They spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained computers, and are
unceremoniously deleted when they're not needed anymore."

Grandola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is
infested with bugs.

"We know that alternatives to this horror exist," he said, citing
industry giant Microsoft Corporation as a company that has become
successful without resorting to software testing.

Phone Won't Stop Ringing? Here's What You Do

Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But
unlike most people she did something about it.

The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had
acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.

From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for
her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she
had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number.

Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its
stationery.

The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and
just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day
didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola
decided to take matters into her own hands.

At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel
and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leoloa said, "No
problem. How many nights?"

A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two
bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on
the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that
she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that
won't be necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."

The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an
electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a
college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War
II.

She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could
watch the O.J. Simpson trial, but her biggest challenge came in the
afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's
wedding in June.

Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she
would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of
it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral
arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up. Once again
Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always
recommend that the client tips the drivers."

Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.

People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen
parties and were all told there were no such events.

Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the
motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott
said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel."

Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number."

"Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair"
"Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"
"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" - (seen on an 8 year old)
"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
"Procrastinate Now"
"Rehab Is for Quitters"
"My Dog Can Lick Anyone"
"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?"
"Party -- My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)
"If a woman's place is in the home WHY AM I ALWAYS IN THIS CAR!"
"ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING"
"A hangover is the wrath of grapes"
"STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"
"They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken"
"He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead"
"POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ....Cops have nothing to go on."
"HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH"
"A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS--But it uses up a thousand times the memory."
"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
"HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."
"HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!"
"The trouble with life is there's no background music."
"The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson."
"Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane."
"MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT"
"Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit."
"Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."

WHY CATS ARE BETTER THAN MEN

1. A cat matures as it grows older.
2. Back hair on cats is cute.
3. It is legal in all states to neuter a cat.
4. Cats comfort you when you are sick.
5. When a cat sleeps all day it's natural, not annoying.
6. Unlike a man, a cat can fend for itself.
7. A cat is loyal.
8. Cats actually think with their heads.
9. "Meow" is never a lie.
10. They'll both stand outside your door and whine, but the cat will stop when it gets in.
11. It's more amusing to watch a cat try and deal with a piece of tape stuck on its paw than to watch a man do anything.
12. To buy a fancy dinner for a cat only costs 35 cents.
13. A cat's friend is less likely to be annoying.
14. Cats can't show love without meaning it.
15. Cats are always cute.
16. The only thing a cat expects you to "put out" is food, water, and a clean litter box.

LOL LOL LOL, my god, SOOOOOOOOOO DAMN FUNNY!!!!!!

thx, Charean, I enjoyed them all!!!

------------------
Aristotle: "If you give me a Deux-cent-cinquante, I can move the earth!!!!!!" [b] evil laugh[/b

Julius Caser when drinking with his buddy Deux-cent-cinquante:" Me watch, me come... ME CONKER!!!!! BUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"


ALL YOUR BAZI ARE BELONG TU USH!!!!

http://kofzero.myetang.com/gif/gif1.gif

O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy.

http://publish.hometown.aol.com/tobb...ages/kyo01.gif http://publish.hometown.aol.com/tobb...se_new_pa1.gif

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.
"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.
The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."

Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies.

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building
you are visiting.

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended
from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you
bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communication systems of any invading alien civilization

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to
attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening
manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head,
they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion,
volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to
make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is
their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English
to each other. If they're villains, they will probably speak
with an English accent.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in
seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a
child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will
cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that
affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the
television on.

-------------------------------------------------------------
Funny Thoughts
"We are just statistics, born to consume resources." - Horace
-------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. JUST ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one
else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know
the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE
DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been
in the SAME CABINET for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some
miracle, actually find the light bulbs TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they
dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE
SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHTBULBS CAME IN!

WHY?!

BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE TRASH!!

IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE
AND SHIT THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THIS ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE
AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS!......

I'm sorry, what did you ask me?

The two snooty women were sitting in the living room, waiting for their hostess, who was slightly delayed in another room.

The daughter of the family was with the two women, on the theory that she would keep the visitors occupied during the wait.

The child was about six years old. She was snub nosed, spotted with splotchy freckles, buck toothed, and bespectacled. She maintained a deep silence and the two ladies peered doubtfully at her.

Finally, one of the women muttered to the other, "She's not very p - r - e - t - t - y, is she?"

Whereupon the child piped up, "Maybe not, but I'm very s - m - a - r - t and I can s - p - e - l - l."

******************

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes. I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and so I asked why it was so long. "Because,"my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

******************

Mary was four and was just beginning to peel from her very first sunburn.

As she looked in the mirror, tears filled her eyes, and she said, "Look at me. I'm only four and I'm already starting to wear out!"

******************

Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.

"Have you ever seen one of these before?" one asked.

"Yeah, my mom and dad have one," the other replied.

"What's it for?" asked the first boy.

"I don't know," the second boy answered. "I think you stand on it and it makes you mad."

PREGNANCY Q & A


Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.


Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.


Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.


Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.


Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.


Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?


Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.


Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.


Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my
wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.


Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.


Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.


Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

THESE ARE TAKEN FROM REAL RESUMES AND COVER LETTERS AND WERE
PRINTED IN "FORTUNE" MAGAZINE

1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."
3 "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
14. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs.... Please feel free to respond
to my resume on my office voice mail."
15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
18. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
19. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
21. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I've
never quit a job."
22. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees
get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."
24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
26. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

THESE QUOTES WERE TAKEN FROM ACTUAL PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
4. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of
a definitely won't be."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there."
7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
11. "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."

THESE ARE ACTUAL LINES FROM MILITARY PERFORMANCE APPRAISALS OR
O.E.R.s(OFFICER EFFICIENCY REPORTS)

1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
3. A room temperature IQ.
4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
5. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
6. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
7. A prime candidate for natural deselection. Bright as Alaska in December.
8. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
9. Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
10. Fell out of the family tree.
11. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
12. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
13. He's so dense, light bends around him.
14. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
15. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
16. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
17. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
18. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
19. One neuron short of a synapse.
20. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
21. Takes him 1-1/2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.

And last, but not least...

22. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.