Yes... that's right:

TDAWNVNEOASRNAVPPDHADTTILM- The dark abyss where not very nice events occur and some really not altogether very pleasant people do horrible and dreadful things to innocents little munchkins.
Post your characters, stats etc and your introduction all in one thread please, this RP is open to everyone who wants to take part, just remember.. although this is a proper RP, don't take it too seriously at all!! You have been warned, and don't complain if you get a llama-grenade thrown at you or something equally odd. :D
Another point, for characters and stuff like that, the possibilities are endless, you could be an intergalactic space ferret who likes herrings and tried to fly after seeing a wood pigeon flew out of his reach. :D

A basic history: My char is an evil warlord, Sephiroth's and Nebs
are my generals, as you can pick up from the replies, and I have the required private army of doom, your characters can be pretty much anyone, you can try to apply to the dark horde, or fight them and try to stop the universe being overtaken.
Have fun :D .....

BTW.. important point.. there is a sync to this RP, it thus far goes : Neb, Seph, Binky, Encard (when he joins) any more people will be added to the list in joining order... I will post whenever since I can't really reply to myself :D [img]tongue.gif[/img]


Malakon the rather suitably-titled, most evil warlord, crusher of skulls, drinker of blood, smasher of faces, maimer of all, despoiler of happy people, beard-puller, mutilater of garden gnomes, and altogether not a very pleasnt kinda fella you'd introduce to your relatives, let alone meet in a dark alley was bored.
He wriggled in his tremendously uncomfortable evil throne (evil thrones, you see, are notorious for being uncomfortable, possibly why evil overlords are always so irate) and sipped thoughtfully at his red wine while toying with the handle of his garden tool of immense deathliness.
"When will an evil overlord get some comfort in the name of all things wrong!!! And where's the bloody newspaper?!"
He stopped shouting as a skeletal guard ambled in and presented him with the latest issue of Evil magazine, for which he was even more expectant this month, as it had his interview in there.
He rolled his eyes as the undead guard stepped back and bowed, breaking one of it's ribs, it was funny the first few hundred times, but after having to have the bone repair man round every other day it seriously began to grate on his nerves.
After the skeleton picked up it's rib and shuffled off he straight away flicked expectantly to the page of his interview.
"Malakon the warlord of too many names to name and evilest of evil, this week deigned to have an interview with Evil magazine, the only turly evil magazine out there."
He sneered as he saw numerous references to the likes of Atilla the Hun and Ivan the terrible.
"Bah! I swear, kill but a few thousand innocents these days, and they call you a warlord, those two inbreds wouldn't know the meaning of the word warlord if it came up behind them and razed their home town."
He carried on, smirking occasinoally, and at the end he had a malevolent grin on his face.
"Finally some recognition, I knew I was the only won worthy of Evil's Evilest man of the year, that Arachon guy is such a fool, and how unoriginal can you get, I mean, his base is called the temple of despair!! How lame is that?!"

After a few hours, Malakon had a few needs tended to by a few more skeletal guards, but not before breaking the mandatory rib, gave a cursory brush of his teeth and then proceeded to try and slavage what little sleep he could grasp while tossing and turning in his chamber of ravaging, pain and deadly death-inducing deadness.
....

The next morning he awoke, cursed the name of his enemies, and a few others as was his custom for the morning, then went off to his communicator, disguised handily (or not so handily when he was too sleepy to remember it was merely a facade) as a toilet.
He gave it the necessary flush, and then peered in to check on his two second in commands: Nebfka the guy who couldn't think of an awe-inspiring title and Sephiroth, the one who who whinged and stomped his foot because he wasn't allowed a cool title, or usually referred to as "the baby" or "shut up!"
The fuzzy screen below the water focused and the face of his general Nebfka, who joined first and so recieved the obligatory insanity.
He looked around, but seeing no-one to view him shouting down his toilet, called down to the now extremely clear image in the bowl "What is your status?"...

[ 06-03-2002, 09:06 AM: Message edited by: Talthyr Malkaviel ]

Nebfka looked up into the air to find out where the voice shouting at him was coming from. "Eh? Who's there?" He pulled the purple feather that he'd put in his hair for no reason at all out and scratched his chin with it while pondering the answer, then replaced it. "Isss someone sneaking up on me?" He asked and turned around so quickly that he knocked over a mutant servant that had been bringing him his morning paper.

He drew his weapon from it's oddly shaped sheath and frowned at the katana. He sheathed it again and then drew it once more, this time he smiled at the squirrel that he was holding by it's tail. He swung it a few times in the air and then scratched his head. When he heard Malakon's voice from above again he looked upwards and stared hard at the ceiling.

"Ah, that'd explain why I couldn't see you. You're supposed to flush the bloody thing before you call me! Ick. My status is: Most extraordinarily purple. Yep, that's it. Purple. Oh, and I've also finished building that thingy.... Y'know, the one that you had me construct for you? It's on it's way."

Malakon stared at Nebfka, and wondered where that squirrel had come from "Umm, Nebfka, I had flushed it before I.." Nebfka strained to look upward, rather puzzled, or possibly enthralled by something on the ceiling "..never mind." He was sure of his general's reliability, most of the time, but the way he carried things out was... peculiar to say the least.
He sighed then looked back into his communicator and wondered why there was a lobster crawling on Nebfka's head.
"umm, right, well, y'know, I'm an evil warlord, got a lot of things to do.. I better be leaving now. Farewell"
He flushed the toilet again and then pressed the next button, and waited as the image of Sephy began to form in the bowl.

Sephiroth was standing on the central of a raised dais, floating in the air with his arms at 45-degree angles and his feet pointing toward the ground. His long silver hair rustled on his black cape, and his purely ornamental sword shone in the green light of the chamber. Of course he had almost no use for that, seeing as how he preferred to use the Vorpal AOL CD, but he rarely hit anything with his terrible AIM. The voice startled him, but he quickly recovered. But he was always curious of where that damn voice came from.

"What is it?" he asked as he spun around in the air, breaking his concentration and making him fall in a heap of black and silver on the brown altar. "Who broke my concentration? This had better not be about that construct I intercepted from Nebfka. If it is, tell him that the Milano cookies were delicious! And the other machine, whatever it is, makes a good trophy. Now go away." Sephiroth tossed his hair back and threw the CD at a target across the room, hitting the door panel and locking him in. "Damn."

"Quiet yourself Sephiroth!" He barked, although only half angry due to seeing Sephiroth make an ass out of himself.
"You should know by know that it matters not where my voice comes from, but that it is always me! And stop talking about cookies! I'm hungry."
He grabbed a nearby biscuit, gave it a once over, then ate it, whil still trying to sound imperious over his communicator.
"Dow fell me fwhere fe focumons aw"
"Pardon?" Seph replied
He swallowed the cookie and then, as to not lose dignity, said "Fool! You should listen more carefully!" He cleared his throat and repeated himself, although somewhat more clearly this time. "Where are the documents?"
After a brief glance over the documents held out by Sephiroth he nodded to himself and then congratulated him for his work "Now, the weapon of destruction shall soon be completed, make sure you have your armies ready in case of any resistance, no matter how small."
With that he flushed once more, and converted it back to it's toilet function, then wandered back to his throne.
He sat himself down on his throne again, gave a weary sigh, tried in vain to get a semblance of comfort from his chair, and after giving up, issued anopther sigh as a skeleton bringing in his requested pillow bowed, breaking a rib and it's leg, then toppled over heavily with a sharp crash and pulled itself out of his chamber with it's arms.
"I've really got to change that..."

Sephiroth snickers as the fake documents worked. "Whew, glad he didn't notice that." He looks them over and puts them back with the rest of the Toys-R-Us catalogue. "Now, how will I get out of here?" He shrugs and takes out the sword. After looking at it for a moment he jams it into the wall and begins cutting away at it. "I knew this would be good for something!"

After two or three hours of cutting he gets through to the other side and goes through a revolving door, taking him right back to the chamber he was in. "MOTHER F%*&!" he shouts. After a long stream of obscenities and slashing into the wall with his sword he decides to go back into his compound and give it a good inspection.

Black dragons and tonberries greeted him as he strode through the narrowly cut tunnels, but he merely shoved them out of his way. "Why do I invest millions of dollars that my parates hijacked from Spanish ships on the seas in defense when all you do is stand around all day?! Yarr!" Again he sighed and sat against the wall, pulling out his AOL CD. He threw it at one of the black dragons' stomachs, but hit the rider on the head of the dragon forty-five feet to the left. Then he shrugged as it came back to his hand of its own accord and sat down on a couch to play solitaire, knowing that those REAL documents can wait.

*Meanwile Far Away*

"No! Not My Buttons! Not My Gumdrop Buttons!" The Little Man Cried, But That Is Totally Irrelevent To The Story, So We'll Get To Something That Isn't*

*Morris Ran Down The Hill Gleefully Grinning, When Suddenly, The Milkatron Came Rumbling Up From The Ground. The Milkatron Was A Giant Demon About 10ft Tall Which Shot Blocks Of Butter From Its Udder-Cannon*

"AAAAAARGH!" Morris Cried. He Ran And Ran Till His Veins Pumped Coca-Cola And He Could Run No More. He Turned Around. It Was Gone. He Sat Their Thinking And Then He Passed Out. When He Woke Up. There Were 3 Strange Men Crowded Around Him...

Nebfka sheathed and unsheathed his weapon several times till it became a guitar. He then played a couple of cheery tunes and resheathed his weapon. He looked down on the floor and noticed the fallen mutant from earlier, he kicked it out of the door and then washed it's ichor off of his green robe.

The madman stared blankly ahead for a few seconds. Then snapped back into reality, "Oh yes, the weapon. The plans, the thingses. Fwahahahah!" He strode out of the door and past the mutant who was dead as a result of his vicious kick, down stairs, up stairs, in circles, in straight lines. Walking randomly until he reached the top of his tower upon the surface of the green-blue planet of Alpha Centauri Prime.

Nebfka looked at the huge and complicated device there, then frowned at something on it's side and walked over to the head engineer working on the highly secretive "Big Gun" project. He grabbed the blue-skinned mutant by it's hair and lifted it off the ground, then pointed to the weapon. "What's that? Why are there fuzzy dice on my weapon? You have defiled my glorious laser!"

The creature stammered, "B-but, your madness, you commanded it!"
"No, I did not. I specifically said: Fuzzy mice. Not fuzzy dice."
The engineer writhed in his grasp and begged, "I'm sorry! I misheard you! But that's sorta easy when you ripped off my other ear as a reward for making such a good design for the weapon!"
Nebfka smiled pleasantly, "No problem. You're forgiven." Then cheerfully chucked the engineer over the edge of the roof and admired the weapon. At random he pointed at one of the workers, "You're the new head engineer! Get to work!"

Yes indeed, this would be a niiiiice weapon.....

[ 06-02-2002, 04:47 PM: Message edited by: Neb ]

~To Sephy
After slashing his way through a few hundred more walls Sephiroth came to the end of his fortress 'oh dear' he thought to himself.
After decidng to try and use his AOL CD's to get his way back, no matter how bad his AIM he was soon closer to his throne room, only to be confronted by the sight through a hole in his floor-boards of a horde of suicidal creatures falling through space.
"Oookkkkkaaaaaayyyy."

~To Binky
"Hey fella, are you ok?" The tallest one asked.
"What happened back there, man?? All we saw was you collapsed in a heap of butter!" The fattest one said.
Then the shortest one, and his invisible friend who was actually the thinnest one (but who can tell?) both said "Hey.. maybe he was buttering some bagels.. bagels are good especally ones with raisins, I like raisins, what about you guys? I like em cos they're full of dry raisiny goodness and they taste funnily like sultanas, but they're not the same cos sultanas are different... What was I saying about bagels again?"
Then the one with the good memory (hey, this one can be whichever you want it to be) chipped in "You were saying bagels are good"
"Oh yeah.. but what about fruit flies??"
"You said nothing about fruit flies said the other one witha good memory
"Yeah, but I'm about to..."

~To Neb
After the wail of the falling ex-chief stopped the new one stepped tentatively forward, which proved an unlucky move since he was short sighted and fell of the edge also, after him there were a long line all waiting to be next chief, unfortuantely all but one had hort sight, a side-effect of the radioactive materialsd they wroked with, so as he stepped forward, he luckily noticed the fall, and stopped.
Unfortunately he was then kicked off by the next one, and they kept falling of over and over until it was their lunch break.
Then a few walked off the edge in the other direction, but a few managed to make it to lunch.
And of course they had bagels, with raisins, ot sultana or fruit flies.
But that's not even touvhing on the subject of the llama's in custard.
After their brief respite, Nebfka came back in after a few ramblings to check on their progress, which mainly consisted of presenting honours to those who fell for graduating with falling colours in advanced falling class.
But that of course is what you get when you hire evil lemmings.. you get what you pay for, especially if you pay in bagels.

[ 06-02-2002, 05:10 PM: Message edited by: Talthyr Malkaviel ]

"Oh Umm..."

*Morris Jumped Up*

"Where Am I!? Who Are You?! What Have You Done To Me!?"

*Morris Looked Down At Himself And Realised They Hadn't Done Anything To Him*

"Oh Well That's Just Great! I Get Abducted By 3 Evil Looking Guys And They Won't Even Follow Protocol And Do Something Terrible To Me! Where's The Frogs Legs!? Wheres The Feathers!? Jeez!"

*Morris Started To Pace*

"Hmph. Whoever You Are, Just Take Me To Your Boss. I Wan't To Complain About The Poor Service I Got From His Henchman.. No, You Don't Deserve The Title Henchmen... LACKEYS! Y'Hear That!? LACKEYS!! Mwhahahaha!"

*Morris Gave A Cough*

*Cough*

*Morris Sniffed*

*Sniff*

"Well Come On Then! Take Me To See Him! Or At Least Throw Me In The Dungeon And Torture Me While I'm Waiting! You Young Uns Now Days! You Really Just Don't Know The Meaning Of Work!"

*Tch*

*The Three Looked Puzzled And Carried Him Off To See Their Leader*

Nebfka played a cheerful little tune on his weapon which had chosen the shape of a flute to celebrate his wonderful engineers and their falling skills. Then he went downstairs to his lab to breed some mutant engineers with not quite so bad eyesight, in the meantime he had glasses issued for all of the still-living ones.

He then ordered that a nearby village of peace-loving green monkeys be pelted with apples till it was destroyed because they did not have enough fuzzy dice. Or mice. Noone was ever really clear on that. But the village was destroyed anyway and a BBQ party held to celebrate the victory, but noone ever found out exactly where it was held so noone turned up and Nebfka killed off a hundred random people in the morning for not turning up. Ignoring the fact that some were blind, lacked legs or, in one case, was a small blue ball.

Sephiroth shouted up at the hole in his ceiling, "Damnit Nebfka, if you can't keep your minions on their platforms then at least keep them away from the space right above my throne room!" Then he shuddered from the chill and ordered one of the two-torsoed scissor monsters to cover up the holes with his body. When that was finished he picked up his AOL CD and, with his army of a thousand black dragons, went skiing.

It was a fun ski trip, he had to admit. Half of the dragons broke their legs on the slopes of the North Crater, but Sephiroth didn't really care. He was too busy pushing people down and taking their snowboards. Then he destroyed the ski lodge because they put two marshmallows in his hot chocolate instead of three. A party was had deep in the bowels of the crater fortress so call Meteor. Nothing yet though. Sephiroth sighed and decided to use the pneumatic tube to send letter bombs to Nebfka.

"Sir Please Be Quiet!" The Fat Guard Said
"Now, You Can Come Along Quietly Or Kicking And Screaming, But One Way Or Another We Are Taking You To See The Leader"

*Morris Thought*

"Umm, I'll Choose Kicking And Screaming" He Replied
"But It Was YOUR Idea!!" A Guard Said
"Well Yea, But It Goes Against My Nat-Ure"
"Your What?!"
"My Nature"
"Oh"

*****

*The Three Guards Dragged A Screaming Morris Into A Room And Threw Him On The Floor*
*He Hit With A Thud*
*Looking Up, He Say A Redneck Sat On A Giant Sheep. He Was Drooling Somewhat*
"MAAAAAAAA!" He Said
"Who The Bloody Hell Is This!?" Morris Stood Up Saying
"This Is The Leader!!" The Thin Guard Said"
"His Name Is The Unspeakable One" Another Added
"Oh... So Can't You Say His Name Then? Thats More Like It! More What I'd Expect From An Evil Cult!" Morris Said
"No!" The Fat Guard Said
"That Actually Is His Name!" The Thin Guard Replied
"What Do You Mean?" Morris Questioned
"His Parents Were Hippies" The Short Guard Butted In
"Oh... Well"

"SILENCE!!! Maaaaa!" The Unspeakable One Roared
"I Am The Unspeakable One! I Have Farmed Whales On These Lands For Years!" He Bellowed Wiping Away Some Drool
"And YOU Have Trespassed! Men! Throw Him In The Dungeon! The One With The Brick Which You Push And It Opens A Passage To Outside, Y'know, The One You See In All The Movies!"

"Yes Sir!" The Guards Cheered
*They Dragged Morris Off, And Again, When He Woke Up, Someone Was Looking Down On Him*
"OOOh!" The Man Said
"I've Been In Here 20 Years And Your The First Company I've Had! I've Been Very Lonely You Know" He Said In Erotic Voice.
"Sorry" Morris Replied "But A Beard Down To Your Toes, Gold Teeth And A Xylophone Chest Just Dosen't Do It For Me"

*The Man Sat Down And Sighed*

The air shimmers with bright, colorful lights for a moment, then someone, or something, appears. It's really impossible to tell because they seem to be surrounded by a globe of darkness, whcih somehow also muffles the noises he/she/it makes. Nevertheless, some mooing sounds and random noises seem to bhe coming from inside, as well as a deranged muttering that crops up every so often, although it's too muffled to hear. The volume of the sound chancges randomly, and then the globe suddenly begins moving forward, bouncing up and down slightly.

~To Neb

After having killed the monkeys, a blue ball et al Nebfka was understandbly hungry.. so he ate something.. we're not quite sure what, but our dental records show that it was probably bacon.
On the way back to his stronghold, some more monkeys (purple ones this time) tried to appease him with fuzzy rice, and boy did they pay for that mistake, Nebfka thought to himself as he wandered back with a mouthful of roast monkey and rice.

~To Seph

After gearing some explosions from above Sephiroth smiled, until one came falling back down on him and absolutely ruined his turkey dinner, and he wasn't a very happy bunny.. so he got a duck dinner,with lashings of cranberry source, some legumes and a touch of red wine, man that's good!!
Oh yes, and after this he went to sleep, after flicking once more through his Toys'R'Us catalogue, skiing always tired him out you see, even more so than apple pie.
Mmmmmm... apple pie.

~To Binky

The man looked down at him, and said "really?? Well in some planets I'm considered a rare beauty.. far too good for the likes of you!"
To whcich Binky replied "Which planet??"
*grumble* "Ahh, forget it, nobody loves me anymore!" then he started crying, which was quite funny as he literally hd a harmonica in his chest and he started playing harmonica mozart.. then Binky remembered what the leader said to the guards about the brick, but first he threw a load of apple pies to the guards, who were about to eat them, mistaking it for a pear pie.. but eating aapples is against there religion of course, so they had to burn it instead.
But it still distracted them.

~To Encrd

The air began too moo more frequently and more loudly, until all that could be heard within a 20 mile radius was an epiphany of moo... then a creature stepped foth.. lifted it's head!!And... moo'd.

Nebfka sat down to ponder what he should be doing now. After consulting several of his servants one of them finally informed him that he was supposed to find something ancient and magical and unleash it upon the world. The madman nodded to himself and stroded off purposefully to find it, though he had no idea what it was.

[ 06-02-2002, 07:07 PM: Message edited by: Neb ]

Sephiroth fell asleep and dreamt of apple pie, and hurting his scissor-legged servents. But halfway through the night he got up and sleepwalked to the kitchen, knocking two tonberry guards into the green abyss of his crater base. He didn't know though, he wasn't even awake, and he made his way to the refrigerator. Quickly he opened the door and looked around for a slice of apple pie. But there was none! He snapped awake and threw his Vorpal AOL CD around the room and started hacking at things with his sword. "RAGE!" he shouted. When one of his servants came in, he pointed and glared right at her. "Go bake me a pie Martha," he commanded.

The creature, Encard, let's the moo die out and stands quietly for several minutes, seeming to examine the surroundings. Then, oit suddenly shouts something sounding a bit like, "Zooglezoogle cow-weasel! Who wants pie?! Ladleladlelade..." and begins running toward a large, dark, fortress-like-thingy it sees in the distance, its clawed feet stirring up dust as it moves, its mantis-like appednages waving in what seems oddly like Morse code, muttering random syllables at random volumes.

[ 06-02-2002, 07:54 PM: Message edited by: Encard ]

~To Neb

Nebfka wandered many key places in the galaxy.. like Joe's resaurant, and his favourite bowling joint, until he eventually came upon an item both anicent and magical that could be unleashed on the world, but it didn't come in Nebfka's size and purple's not his colour so he carried on.

~To Seph

"Me names not Martha sir.." "Well it is now" "Ok, your majestositynessableness, now I'll just go bake that pie."
"Pi, what pi?"
"You asked for a pie sir"
"Oh yes Madge.."
"Martha sir"
"What... where's that pie midge?"
"Madge sir"
"Look, my names not madge, now go make me that pie"
"Yes sir."

That night, Sephiroth was plagued by a dream in which he was shown the christmas future, past and present, however, he couldn't repent because he's far too evil, and besides, that response is copyrighted by Ebenezer Scrooge, that bleeding Scrooge.
Ahem, then he ate lots of pie, until he chanced upon a toy.. from Toys'R'Us, a toy of immense power.. it played the alphabet to music!!!!

~To Encard

After many moo's and a rather lengthy journey.. longer at least, than a piece of string. But how long is a piece of string you ask?? Well it's twice the length of half a piece of string I might say.. or I might say I don't care.. or that it doesn't matter.. but maybe it does!!
But anyway.. this has no relevance to mooing, unless you count string quartet mooing, but let's not get involved with that, so he was mooing away, and came to a fortres, then of course, he mooed.
But not before mooing of course.

Then, he looked up at the fortress, moo'd then knocked at the door.

Skye wasn't having a very good day. First off, her snowboard was stolen by a dragon. She had a good laugh when he broke his legs halfway down the mountain, until some guy landed on her and sent her flying down in a giant snowball. Once she was no longer a living icicle, she got home only to discover that her hometown had been destroyed by apples. And her blue ball was missing, of all the unfortunate mishaps!! and now this wierd blue monkey was offering fuzzy rice and mooing at her. She shrugged. "Guess I'm not in Kansas anymore... wait, where am I again? What am I supposed to be doing?" Skye wandered off down the road, pondering this, while the blue monkey jumped after her, mooing, chittering, and offering fuzzy rice.

A few hours more of searching allow Nebfka to find an ancient magical artifact. THREE in fact. Horribly powerful and sealed away in a hidden cave guarded by a monstrous creature they were a nice way to conquer the galaxy besides his bloody huge weapon....

Bravely he approached the cave, alone except for his band that accompanied him at all times and played his villanous theme. They had an annoying habit of dying and being useless in battle, but who cared? Having your own theme was cool.

The mounstrous guardian loomed above him. It had fifteen heads and a thousand eyes. Something which Nebfka decided to take advantage of when his weapon shifted into the shape of a spear. He jabbed it directly into the nearest eye of the thing.

Sephiroth woke up in a really bad mood. Martha had made a sub-par pie, so he threw her down the vacuum shaft and into the center of the planet. Next he went to get some coffee, but it hadn't been filled all the way yet, so he threw two more people down the shaft. It was looking to be a very bad day, and he didn't like bad days. He went up to the surface and started randomly throwing his AOL CD around. It hit two bison and a snowboarder, then it came back to him. He sighed and went back down to make the pie himself.

Later that day he pulled out his sword and went to one of the lower chambers to begin mining horizontally.

*Remebering What The Rabid Whale Farmer Said, Morris Scrambled Over To The Wall And Started Pushing Random Bricks*
*To His Surprise, The First One He Pressed Made A Rumbling Sound And Opened A Huge Passage*

"Bugger" He Heard
*Turning Around, It Was The Man Who Had Spoke*
"I've Been In Here 20 Years And Haven't Noticed That"
*Morris Spun And Ran Down The Passage*

*my tummy hurts* Regin said to himself, he wondered if it could have anything to do with the fact that he had ate the capitol city of Budampadump (Budampadump City) and a small village along the way. he really regretted eating that library in Budampadump City though, he could tell by the look of it that it was way past it's experation date.
He straightened his 50 feet tall body and began to make his way a new exciting place.
Before he did that though, he ate a pharmacist and lo and behold (!) his tummy ake stopped.
*My tummy feels good now*, he said and smiled a great big smile... [img]smile.gif[/img]
He then started walking.

The large, black door opened, revealing a huge man in spiked black armor, holding a sword over his head. Encard pokes the armor, causing the man to fall over, since he was apparently over 90 years old. Then Encard went in, rambling along the lines of, "Lalalalala... moogleymoo cow for you... weasels! woozle wazzle wosle!" He begand ascending the first stairwell he saw.

[ 06-03-2002, 05:15 PM: Message edited by: Encard ]

It was one of those stores with a wooden sign depicting a feminine purple bottle with a pink fog surrounding it. They sold water there. But it wasn't ordinary water. This water had scents. One would usually pick up a bottle with an indecipherable name on it, like Eau des Odeurs or Parfum a la Fleur.
It usually came straight from dirty rivers and swamps, and noone really cared. As long as they smeled of Marché aux Puces or Putréfaction Délicieux #9 that was fine. But sometimes, very ralery, but sometimes, the water wouldn't jsut come from such places. It would pass the midden heap first, greatly driving up the prices.

People wanted to come into the shop and marvel at the wonderous smells, pick an appropriately shiny bottle and depart with a large amount of money. The owner would not mind if they did.

On weekdays, Yggo Decin was a storekeeper. He was widely (and wisely) viewed to be the best storekeeper ever. That is, he kept almost everyone from the store.

Even if he had lived his entire unlife amidst the scented water of the store, it was be a terrible mistake to say he smelled fresh. Or even relatively fresh. Or relatively fresh compared to extremey unfresh and nasty smelling things. It was impossible to say the words fresh and Yggo Decin in the same scentence. Well, aside from that one.
Yggo usually sweated, and fur and water don't mix very well. Aside from that, he had a fine set of sharp, pointy teeth to discourage anyone intent on entering. Most hellhounds had.

But right now, Yggo had no interest in watching the store. He was busy producing more sweat as he struggled to overcome the Dracolice. It was almost as if they had agreed to fight every weekend, and every time Yggo Decin won, the Dracolice would simply return the next week. Every time he lost, he'd walk away with lumps all over. But the Dracolice refused to finish him off. In a way, the Lice fed on the hound. In return, the Dracolice kept Yggo in shape.

It soon became appearent that he would lose this week. Last week's Dracolice had brought along some friends. Luckily for Yggo, those friends were small and weak, but they proved too much of a distraction.

An itching and scratching Yggo Decin went out in the streets. In turn, the people went inside. The Dracolice spoke to him, rubbing in his defeat. Yggo also learned from the lice that once again he wasn't the evil magazine centerfold. He started to wonder if that man who had taken his picture and sold him the world's second largest desert had remembered to put a film in the camera.
It bugged him. He should have made his appearance weeks ago. At least The Politically Correct Magazine For All Those Who Feel They Are Contributing, Have Contributed Or Will Contribute Something Useful To One Or More Societies Of And/Or Individuals From One Or More Of The Following Categories: Creatures, Plants, Bacterea, Fungi, Undead And/Or Squirrels, Not That We Wish To Put Anyone In A Specific Category Of Course, In One Or More Ways always kept it's promises. Yggo wondered if he wouldn't be better off being friendly.
"Probably not", the Dracolice told him.
Yggo Decin agreed.

*Crawling Down The Passage Way, Morris Came Out Into The Light. Although, The Light Wasn't What He Expected. Partially To Do With The Fact That It Was Bright Orange And Emitting From A Lake Of Lava*

"OOhh. Brimstone On The Breeze" He Thought "Must Be California"
*Looking Around A Bit More He Noticed That It Wasn't California. It Was Worse. Much Worse. It Was Delaware*

*Morris Trembled*
"Ooooh" He Thought.
*Turning Round He Was Greeted By A Small Imp. His Name Was Damien. They Seemed To Get On Well. They Had Tea And Shortbread Until It Was Late. But Then, Alas, Morris Had To Go. Where, He Didn't Know, But The Non-Stop Squeeking Of Damien Started To Get On His Nerves. So He Had To Leave. So He Set Off Walking Down The Side Of The Lake*

Okay, from now on can everyone post in the order I've replied to you in, and after everyone has posted once in that line I will respond, anyone who wishes to join, if you could try and post after the last person on the list, so it goes in order of joining that would be mucho helpful ;)

~To Neb

The beast reared it's head back and roared, well, it was more of a bad cough actually, but it still sounded rather mencaing.
It plucked the weapon out of it's eye and threw it to the ground at Neb's feet "That really wasn't very kind of you, now was it??"
The beast swung it's pendulous head round to see Neb's band "Hmm, nice band, very stylish, I like your pizazz kid.. I don't exactly know what pizazz is but you sure have it."
Nebfka picked up his weapon, and after sheating and then reunsheathing it, it had become an orange, which Neb was about to eat until the impulse to change it caught him, and then it changed into a penguin.
While Nebfka was absolutely fixated on his penguin-come orange- come spear etc the old beast was croaking on about it's rather fascinating life story.. which mainly consisted of getting stabbed in the eye.. a lot, which is why he inserted a fake eye where everyone always stabbed.. although he was tempting fate rather when he had painted a target on it.. but anyway, Nebfka interested him, and seeing as Nebfka had a slightly more interesting weapon than most and he couldn't care less if the universe was over run.. he might even get some replacement eyes out of it, so he gave all three artefacts to Neb then went to sleep, after eating one of the band in compensation.

~To Seph

After horizontal mining began to tire him he went and sat on a tire while thinking about how his day had gone and who to send down the shaft today.
A bit later and a few more shaftings (that only sounds dirty if you have a dirty mind) Seph decided to actually look into whether any of his lazy workers had actually done anything towards the doomsday device.
Lazy workers, although considerably cheaper, were absolutely insufferable.. and he knew he couldn't continue the facade with Malakon much longer, and also they were impossible to communicate with.. they all consisted of people called Tony, Bob and Mike, however many thousands of them.

~To Binky

After a long time walking around, he found a small settlement named Aashkirtmonpaqqqqqrfdfgd.. or as it's residents called it Bleh.
He stayed a few days in a lovely little hotel there, which I shall not name, as it would take far too much time, and after this he decided to carry on, remembering the dangers, the likes of which he just recently experienced... although he had no idea of where he was going, so he ended up somehow on the pinnacle of a mountain, albeit not a very tall one, only about 5 metres high, but after a picnic and a rest he ran on further, just cos he could.

~To Encard

Eventually he reached the end of the stairs, encountering several more old guards on the way, and each of them rather ineffectual, but when he reached the top he decided it would be a good idea to go down, then sideways, then left, then right, the diagonally, then a few directions in 4d which we shall not go into great depths on.
Following this treacherous path is what led him into the main chamber of Malakon's empire, well, actually it was the games room, but close enough, and he eventually, after jumping a few times through space and time reached Malakon's chamber, droppoing on the floor in a mooing heap at the base of his throne and to a rather amused and surprised Malakon.
"May I help you...."

~To Skye

She walked on with her fuzzy blue companion and after getting through to it that she didn't want any rice she stopped briefly to ponder her situation.
Her home village destroyed, the normal, she took out a large weighty book from her bag entitled 'The oppressed heroes and adventure story compendium.'
"Hmm, according to this I have to find vengeance now.. who the heck's vengeance? Ah well, it says here I must 'slay my unholy foe,' sounds fun, I might as well give it a try, unless someone has something better to do?"
After no objections from her simian companion she decided to find out who did this and where she could get some salmon, as she had a sudden hankering for some.

~To Regin

He carried on, stopping momentarily every so often to let out a great big belch.. he must have eaten a blacksmith.. they always did that to him.. maybe he should stop eating there smithy's and he'd no longer get heartburn, but that was a problem for another day.
He stormed on, stepping on a few houses on the way every so often, unaware and with a big grin plastered across his face.
He suddenly realised he had no idea where he actually wanted to go, and pondered in silence for a moment, interrupted slightly by a shrieking horde at his feet, but that was no longer anything noticable.
Then he remembered with a broad grin he didn't actually care where he was going and set off in a random direction, still smirking.

~To Leggy

He scratched his head out of habit, and stopped when he heard shouting from up there, the dracolce were, apparently listening to a metal concert.
He thought to himself 'Now how is that not evil? I'm a hellion with dracolice who rock to metal music!! Meh, I don't need them, I'm my own man.. hell hound dammit, and I'll be evil how I want to be.'
With his mind made uop and a group of dracolice cheering him on, he went for a walk, to be mean, nasty, bad tempered, rude and generally disgruntled, and pick fights with the general populace of his town.

[ 06-04-2002, 05:49 PM: Message edited by: Talthyr Malkaviel ]

Nebfka danced his patented Victory Dance and had his band play a victory theme. Then he laughed, his usual: "Fwahahahah!" and returned to his fortress where he accidentially flushed the artifacts and went to check on his laser. What he didn't know was that the artifacts were actually activated when immersed in liquid, it'd take a few days before it took effect. But they'd change the face of the world! Until then they just clogged up the pipes near Seph's bathroom.

After wandering around for a few days Regin noticed the small army pounding at his feet and throwing ropes up at his waistline, that had been following him all the time. He was feeling a bit peckish so he ate half of them and saved the rest for a snack later on.
But all of a sudden he stopped, and his face got a tensed expression
He remembered!
He remembered why he had started walking in the first place! Why his life consisted of eating cities and small villages! He finally remembered!
But then he forgot again, and started chasing a butterfly...
But the things he had rememered were still there, and as soon as Regin stopped focusing on something else, they would pop up.
But for now his brain was filled with images of butterflies.

Sephiroth burst into his worker's room and announced, "Anyone named Tony is fired right now for having the greatest percentage of non-Sephiroth letters in their name! No really, you're fired!" Sephiroth then threw a massive fireball at the Tony section of the room and completely incinerated all of them. "Now get back to work or I'll sacrifice all the Bobs for the same reason! My weapon had best be on my trophy shelf by tomorrow morning!"
"But sir, we just started it twenty minutes ago!"
"That's it Mike, I've had enough of your insolence!" He threw a shard of ice at Mike, piercing him in the heart. "Mike, you take Mike's job, and I hope for your sake that you do a better job than Mike did. You'll make Mike proud, Mike! Mike couldn't do his job Mike, but hopefully you'll succeed Mike in a way to astonish Mike, Mike!" Exhausted and confused, Sephiroth went back to his pneumatic tube and went about sending mosquitoes infected with the West Nile Virus, killer bees, a badger, two five megaton nuclear devices, the head of Adolf Hitler, a foot, a note requesting one of his workers' feet to be returned, a Canadian dollar, maps of Canada, a penguin pelt, an unladen swallow, a swallow carrying a coconut, a letter requesting that the recipient send him some coconut oil, two oily rags, fifteen pounds of pure oxygen, gasoline, a lit match, and a letter of apology for the mess he made to Nebfka. Also, he sent a letter requesting all of his equipment back because it was some ph47 13w7.

Encard hops up, waving both his arms and mantis-like appendages wildly. "WOOZLE WOZZLEY DO! WOZZLEY WOO! Squiggle the cows... who era uoy? You are who? FUZZY DISMEMBERMENT OF... cow cow cow..." Encard turns his head sideways, staring at Malakon. "Lawlawlaw... lewlewlew... MASS KILLINGS... killkillkill... hurthurthurt..." he accidentally pokes out the eye of a passing servant while waving his arms and other limbs.

[ 06-04-2002, 09:43 PM: Message edited by: Encard ]

After posting an advertisement in the newspaper for unholy foes that she could defeat, Skye settled down to a nice slice of bread and tuna, since she couldn't find any salmon. Flipping through an evil looking magazine she had filched off of the blue monkey, she looked at the center fold with interest. "Oooh, looking for someone who can make pies and get rid of dracofleas. I could use a part time job until I find vengeance, whoever that is," she said to herself delightedly, and after giving the rest of the tuna to the blue monkey wandered off in what she hoped to be the direction of dracofleas or pieeaters. Either that, or a circus where she could sell off the blue monkey for money. Or maybe the fuzzy rice.

The problem with being a big, mean-looking, ferocious Hellhound was that you couldn't just dissapear into the background. People scattered when you arrived, only to peek around the corners and make a mental note of all the places you raised one of your back legs.
You snarled a bit, of course. It wouldn't do for people to think you were a Hissy*. But it just wasn't as satisfying. As hellhound, Yggo supposed he could start a fire or simply destroy some walls and windows and shop interiors. But then the owners would come knocking on the door next Monday and demand repayment.
Eating people on Mondays was absolutely not done. Those people had just lost a good deal of money, and were down because the weekend was over and they had to work another five days to get it back. If you ate them, they'd probably become so depressed they might commit suicide.

Walking through the artificially empty streets of his town, Yggo Decin decided it was time for a change. Actually, the Dracolice decided it by biting him real hard when he answered 'no' to their suggestion. When he changed his mind and started considering the advantages of leaving this town, a cheer went up from the Dracolice.

They talked exitedly amongst themselves.
"Can't believe we finally going somewhere else!"
"No more smelly store"
"Tehee! That rhymes"
"Where we go? Where we go?"
"Don't really know"
"Tehehehehee"
"Let's go somewhere with trees!"
"What you want trees for Fubble?"
"I like trees. Some of my best friends grew nuts"
"Tehehee"
"Stop it!"

And so, Yggo Decin and the Dracolice left the small town and headed off to greater adventure, or boredom, or a really, really quick death at the hands of a giant mutated three-headed crocodile named Yerra Raijt...

*It's always bad when people think you're a Hissy. The typical Hissy would not only be an incredible coward, or sissy, but also stick flowers in his or her hair when everyone looked the other way and whimper things like "Peace" when he was about to take a beating. The effect was usually, as can only be expected, most counter-productive

~To Neb

After much gurgling and other odd noises emanating from Nebfka's toilet... odder than the normal ones at least, if they can be called normal, a small hissing started.
Deep down in the bowl, the three magic artefacts had melded together, and due to the toxic nature of Nebfka's lavatory.. were mutating.. the first one- an enchanted axe of lumber collecting was growing a longer handle, and a very odd shape at that, you see, little did Nebfka know, or probably care, that the repulsive state of his toilet was the precise environment needed for a change to take place.. a catastrophic change.
The axe began to meld more fully with the enchanted scrap of metal, which no-one knew the exact purpose of, or why it was ever created- which was steadily increasing in size, and growing an odd shaped lump, and finally, the universally-renowned unicycle of merciless pain attached, and just as this happened, a huge sound erupted and it went straight down.. bursting a hole in the pipes near Sephy's own toilet.
Nebfka had created a monster.. more precisely The Unicycling Choppy-choppy Golem of Murder (pronounced with a Brooklyn accent- like moider.)

~To Seph

On his way back to his chamber after his sever scalding of Mike- about how Mike wasn't the right Mike for the job but Mike was the perfect Mike, definitely not Mike though- Seph wore an angry scowl on his face.
He paced on and on, unaware of what was about to happen, when suddenly his thoughts were interrupted by a shrill piercing alarm.
"What the-" But he was cut short as a roari and an explosion burst out, according to his map, from his personal toilet.
He was shocked and bewildered, but tried to get a hold of the situation.
"In the name of all things evil... I hope that's not the mexican I had.."

~To Encard

Malakon looked on still amused, but a little peeved since that was his only servant with eyes, he normally depended on industrious skeletons, but his curiousity quickly overcame it, and he leaned forward eagerly in his chair.
"Fuzzy dismemberment you say?? Moo? Hmm, I see... interesting- very interesting."
He paused, then "If you could momentarily control yourself my lunatic friend.. might I ask you if ou are cyurrently in employment?? I offer handsome rates, if you wish I can give you many cows to have as friends... I hear they make quite exquisite pets!"

~To Skye

Skye wandered around for a bit fairly aimlessly with her monkey compadre following her every move, and by now she was far too attached to think of selling him on, but the rice was still up for grabs of course.
She came upon another small settlement, like her home town, and after finding the nearest information centre, or inn as some call them, she heard that some people had noticed her ad in the local gossip.. much faster than carrirer pigeons or express monkeys- the slow ones at least, and the ones in this area always got fed far too much.
However, her ad wasn't paid much attention to, seeing as it came with another 50 or so requests for evil people to hunt down.
But luckily she did not need that attention, for by now everyone in this town was used to hero upstarts, and that was when, in a conversation with an old maid named Bobette, she learned that anyone who even half wanted to be remembered as a hero, had to go after the real big fish.
Of course, after Skye went out and caught the Real Big Fish, she shared him with the village, and they had him buttered and with this delicious sauce with parsley.. and that's when they told her of Malakon...

~To Regin

After a lovely day or thereabouts of butterfly chasing, it came to Regin, all of a sudden, of course he then forgot as soon as he was stuck in rapt attention by a funny looking mark on his arm, which took a large chunk of his day.
After the serious inspection of such an amazing phenomenon, Regin almost remembered it again, it was lying right at the front of his not so well endowed brain, and he almost had it.
That, of course, is when he noticed a multicoloured shrieking frog, which he lovingly named Shrieky and placed him carefully upon his shoulder, then set off once more, with a stamp and a shriek.

~To Legless

It was quite lucky for him that day especially he wasn't a hissy, as on his way for a new adventure, accompanied by the rousing tales of trees with nuts from his dracolice, he was approached by two rather unfriendly looking thugs, who had noticed him marking his territory on their street, which aside from the disrespect, smelled awful.
They had a brief tet-a-tete, but the thugs weren't expecting it when the hellhound set his dracolice on them, mauled them, and did some other things which we shall not mention in polite company to them, you see he was in a very bad mood.
Then of curse, as a passing gift, he marked his territory again, in their general vicinity.
He stormed onwards angrily, not particularly caring where he went, stopping occasionally to brutalise someone, but today even a good savaging couldn't cheer him up.
'What's a hellhound to do?' He thought to himself... ' I've got dracolice, and nowhere to go, except back to the perfume business, but I can't bloody stand that much longer.'
He kept on this train of thought as the dracolice spurred him on with their biting.

The ground shook violently as Regin fell. His brain had gotten over-heated again as the memories were making themselves heard again.
He regained consiousness a few days later and he remembered everything.
'Course there wasn't much to remember, he had simply walked out of his home one day when he was ten when he was chasing a cat, and had gotten lost.
With a big smile he sat down to count his fingers, a hobby he very much appreciated, and thought about what he was going to do next.
He found that he was hungry (which he was nearly all the time) and started to go back to a city he had passed earlier in the search for a snack.

Nebfka angrily hammered on the floor with his weapon which had turned into a large warhammer for the occasion. At the same time he was shouting, "Seph! There's something climbing around in the pipes near your bathroom, go kill it, I'm too bloody lazy. And besides, your bathroom scares me...." He then flushed a large and active explosive device and went to clean up the mess that the other had sent him through the pneumatic tube.

Sephiroth sighed, and decided to look into his chili ingredients later that day. He didn't go to inspect it though, instead he just called Tonies 700-900 to repair it. Then he went outside to look at the closest village. He assembled his army behind him and charged down the hill at it, firing pink elephants and serrated iron-tipped spears at the villagers. When they were all slaughtered or enslaved (and renamed Mike) he sent them back to his stronghold and declared that the day was National Pizza Day and then his army reassembled and struck at Nebfka.

He had been on the road so long he barely noticed he had entered another town. Well, it wasn't so much a road as a stretch of sand with wheelruts. And it wasn't really a town either, more one of those settlements where two children continiously dissapeared into the dark cave nearby and where seven humans stood outside their homes doing nothing all day, waiting for heroes to take care of their problems. You need to run an errand? Just stand there and wait for a hero to start a conversation.
Usually such settlements didn't exist for very long, as heroes weren't that plentiful, but there was a lot of dust here. This town seemed to have a good supply. Yggo Decin liked the prospect.

As he marched through the streets he could smell fish. Yggo liked fish, but there was none where he used to live. Sometimes he'd wake up with sweat on his tongue screaming 'Fish!'. On other days he remembered the butter, too.

The Dracolice first pointed out the advertisments. Yggo thought it would make a good kill list, and one of the lice hopped down to take a copy.
Yggo Decin had only one rule when killing heroes: Don't kill them all.
Every now and then, the world would need saving by someone.

Despite several curses from the Dracolice, ranging from "May something slightly nasty apply to you at a convenient time in the future" to "I hope your hairs rot and fall off one by one" (a few started shouting "Go to hell", but soon realised that wasn't something you said to insult a hellhound), he followed his nose as he walked the street, slowly homing in on the fish and parsely.

"Ah, Malakon," the old village gypsy crooned. ...... "Ahem, you were telling me about Malakon?" Skye asked politely. The old woman woke with a start. "Malakon? Who's Malakon?" Skye blinked. "I was asking you.." "Ah, Malakon," the gypsy crooned. ........... Skye realised that she wasn't getting too far. After picking up her drunk blue monkey from the bar, Skye wandered out again in search of the said Malakon. Or vengeance, whoever she found first. While trying to keep the monkey from doing things he really aughtn't to in public, she stumbled across a huge footprint, accompanied by a rather foul smell. The blue monkey chitter mooed at her excitedly. "What's that? Malakon?" she asked it, as it pointed at the footprint. After trampling two fools who were lying in the middle of the road, she and the drunk blue monkey and the fuzzy rice followed the Malakon road. To vengeance or moonpie, she did not know.