After having recovered from yesterdays 'tragedies' I thought I might give this another go, since some of you seemed to like it!
So here goes:

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

---
A guy goes to hell and is met by the devil. The devil explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years, so he is to select his first punishment.

In the first room, he sees a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy is not keen on this, so he asks to see the next room.

The next room has a middle-aged guy being tortured with fire. The new guy immediately asks to see the third room.

It has a really old man chained to the wall getting a bl*w job from a gorgeous blonde. The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room.

The devil walks into the room, taps the blonde on the shoulder, and says, "Okay, stop now, you've been relieved."

more later on...

Upon his death, the only honest plumber in Glasgow was sent to hell instead of heaven.
Soon after this travesty St. Peter phoned up satan on his special hotline:

"I believe you've got one of ours down there! Relinquish him to us immediatley!"

"piss off you poncy bastard, that guy's the only one who undestands central heating. Its all cool down here." replied satan

"If you dont give us him we'll sue!!!"

Satan laughed for a long time..."YOU'LL SUE!!! AND WHERE IN HELL WILL *YOU* FIND A LAWYER!"

i liked the ones you posted about the statues and the irish twins. i thought i share one of my favorites myself...

a drunk walks into a bar and picks up a dart and throws it at the dart board. by some stroke of luck he hits the bull's eye. the bartender was very impressed and tells him that the bar gives out a prize for anyone who hits the bull's eye.

the drunks slurs "... so whats my prize?"

the bartender hands him a pet turtle.
"thanks" the drunk says and leaves.

two weeks later the same drunk walks into the same bar and picks up a dart and once again hits the bull's eye.

a new bartender looks up "oh, the bar gives out a prize to anyone who hits the bull's eye"

"what do i get?" the drunk asks stumbling up to the bar.

"here" the bartender hands him a sweater.

"no" the drunk shakes his head dumbly "i want the prize they gave out two weeks ago"

the bartender shrugs "well i wasnt here two weeks ago. what did they give out?"

the drunk thinks for a moment "it was a roast beef on a hard bun"

> How to treat the Dutch (As sent to me by a Hollander.)
>
> Is a small study on how to deal with the Dutch and how to avoid becoming
> one.
> It contains tips, hints, a complete walkthrough and a few cheats.
>
> 1. Never use the word "Dutch" in front of a Hollander. It reminds him too
> much of the word "Deutsch" which is a word for Germans and other things he
> doesn't like. A Dutchman is a Hollander or a Nederlander.
>
> 2. Never ever try to speak Hollands even if you have lived in Holland for
> more than five years. Not only will it give you a splitting headache but
> also Hollanders won't understand a single word of what you are trying
> to say. Foreigners are expected to speak English or gibberish. Speaking
> gibberish they are easy prey for pickpockets since they cant make a report
> to the police.
>
> 3. Also never try to eat "drop". Drop is a kind of licorice that only
> Hollanders can eat. It can be recognized by its colour: black.
> The taste is a cross between printer ink (blue) and earwax. Hollanders
> absolutely love it and eat kilos of the revolting stuff.
> There is a nationwide conspiracy to look at the faces of foreigners who
> are tricked into believing it is edible.
> >
> 4. Do not buy wooden shoes. They will look absolutely silly on you. Which
> is of course the main reason for selling them to you in the first place. A
> Hollander himself wouldn't like to be found dead in them. (As a matter of
> fact, they wouldn't like to be found dead at all)
> >
> >5. Do not make holes in dikes. Behavior like that is not only frowned
> upon but in certain cases can get you stoned to death with wooden shoes by
> an angry mob. You may feel free however to stick a finger in any dike you
> like. It'll get you a few good laughs from the natives.
>
> 6. A Hollander is always right and he knows it. With this in the back of
> your mind it is easy to deal with most of them.
> If ever you get into an argument with a Hollander, tell him that he is
> absolutely right and that you see the error of your ways.
> This will drive him absolutely crazy: Since you are a foreigner you can't
> be right. You agree with him. Therefore he also cannot be right.
> Impossible! He is a Hollander. But.. why.. he.. At this point you may want
> to stand back and watch him try to strangle himself with a tulip.
>
> 7. Windmills are unavoidable.
>
> 8. It is not necessary to show an interest in tulips, windmills, wooden
> shoes or cheese. Every Hollander knows that you came for the softdrugs or
> the Amsterdam red light district, the Walletjes. Both are available in a
> large quantity and are easy to find.
> ask any Hollander age six or older or any French tourist (see items 19 &
> 20)
>
> 9. Avoid fans of soccer games at all cost. Soccer in Holland is merely an
> excuse used for bashing in the brains of just about everyone else,
> including yours, after the game is won. .Or lost....Or if it is a draw. It
> is also very unwise to stand near a policeman during these festivities.
> (see item 10) Also, whenever there's a Hollander around: "Don't mention
> the '74 final!".
> You'll end up in an ongoing discussion about how well the Orange team
> played and how marvellous it is that a small country like Holland has such
> a good team and blah-de-blah-de-blah.
>
> 10. Policemen in Holland may be used for throwing things at. If you feel
> like hitting someone or something, use a policeman. No
> Hollander will pay any attention if you decide to hit, maim, or kick a
> policeman in the groin. Policemen represent authority and no Hollander
> recognizes any authority higher than himself. You may also note that a lot
> of Hollandse policemen are in fact
> foreigners tricked into taking the job.
>
(Long isn't it)

> 11. Hollanders do not like to spend money, they'd sooner cut off their own
> ears. A Hollander will become a friend for life if you give him something
> for free. (Note: Social diseases are an exception) This might explain the
> success of MacDonald's in Holland.
> The story that copper wire is an invention of two Hollanders fighting over
> a found cent is absolutely true.
>
> 12. Holland is small. There is a rumour that Holland is put inside during
> rainstorms. Not true, but that is mainly because it rains about 365 days
> each year. This might also explain those wooden shoes: They float. Yes,
> Holland is small and Hollanders are proud of it. They will grab every
> opportunity to point out to you that the nation has accomplished great
> things, despite of it being so small. A suitable answer to this swank is
> the Hollander's imperialistic past. Which brings us -rather nicely- to
> item 13.
>
> 13. If you wish to insult a Hollander -and sooner or later you will-
> simply tell him you don't think he is a pacifist. Now immediately start
> running for your life. He'll want to prove to you that he is a peace
> loving person and he won't stop proving this until your intestines are
> scattered all over the floor. However, mentioning a supposedly
> imperialistic past considering
> Surinam and/or Indonesia, will instantly reduce a Hollander to a
> pathetic, sniffing and crying child, begging for forgiveness.
>
> 14. The Hollanders are supposed to be tolerant. They are not. They simply
> make too much money from the sale of soft- and
> hard-drugs, Malaysian women and pornography to foreigners to let an
> opportunity for making a good profit go by.
>
> 15. The main form of public transportation in Holland is bikes. Feel free
> to take any bike of which you are able to pick the lock.
> Don't expect your own bike however to be where you left it three minutes
> earlier. The hunting season for bikes is open 365 days a year. Have fun.
>
> 16. At nearly every meal in Holland you will find a small vicious looking
> blade with a slit in it. It is called a "kaasschaaf" and is used for
> taking very thin (the see-through kind) slices of the cheese. Yes, it is
> indeed an invention made by a Nederlander.
> Never cut cheese with a knife, you'll make an utter fool of yourself.
> Another peculiar dinner tool is the "flessenlikker", which
> literally means "bottle-licker", but which is best translated by
> "yoghurt-scraper". Note that this tool is not meant to get rid of an itchy
> back or for your nightly escapades. It's designed to clean out bottles of
> yoghurt or "vla" which is a sort of custard.
> The Nederlanders wants to use absolutely every millilitre of the yoghurt
> or 'vla' he bought. He paid for all of it and he'll jolly well eat all of
> it.
>
> 17. At the time of this writing, the Hollandse economy is doing quite
> well. The Hollanders say that this is the result of extensive negotiating
> between parties like the unions, the employers and the government. They
> even have a name for this: The polder model. Foreigners are made to
> believe that this polder model is the key to a healthy economy and if
> others should follow this polder model, their economy's will also improve
> dramatically. This is utter nonsense. Hollanders just love to talk and
> talk and talk. Calling al this talking negotiations only gives them a
> sense of doing something useful. Talk is not cheap in Holland.
>
> 18. Hollanders like to drown fried potato's in litres of mayonnaise and
> put it in small paper bags. This is called "een patatje met". One of these
> bags can sustain life over an indefinite period. Not everyone agrees if it
> is the sort of life worth living.
> Some foreigners however are reported to have actually liked eating it.
>
> 19. Hollanders have a special and unique service for -mainly- French
> tourists. As soon as they cross the border between Belgium and Holland,
> they are welcomed enthusiastically by young men in fast cars. These young
> people wish to point out to the French tourist where the more interesting
> touristic places in Holland can be found. Strangely enough they always
> seem to end up in a coffee shop (see item 20). Funny people those French.
>
(Your about halfway now.)

> 20. There is a fast and guaranteed way of making a complete fool of
> yourself in Holland: Enter a coffee shop and ask for a cappuccino. Coffee
> shops do not -remember this- do not sell coffee. You can however get a
> good number of other stimulating drugs there. For some unknown reason
> coffee shops are extremely popular with French tourists.
>
> 21. A Fries is a semi-detached sort of Nederlander, living in the north
> of the country in a province all for himself.
> >He is fond of frozen water, Beerenburg (which is a form of euthanasia
> with alcohol) and continuously pointing out to non-Fries Hollanders that
> they are -indeed- not Fries. The rest of the Hollanders look upon this
> behaviour with the good natured ambivalent feelings that parents have for
> an obstinate child.
>
> 22. On the matter of what books to buy before you come to Holland, I can
> recommend the following: The complete works of
> William Shakespeare or a leather-bound volume of the Encyclopaedia
> Britannica (the 1913 copy: Fr to He). In my experience these two books
> have just about the right weight for clubbing a pushy drug dealer or pimp
> on the head without leaving any
> marks. After hitting you might want to drop the book you were carrying at
> that moment for a more speedy retreat. Bring plenty of books.
>
> 23. Do not bother to hire a car. Not only can you steal more bikes than
> you will need but car-traffic in Holland is not something you will enjoy.
> In the rest of the world traffic jams are measured in miles or kilometres,
> Nederlandse traffic jams are measured in weeks. As a matter of fact, the
> more persistent traffic-jams are well worth a touristic visit. The sight
> of starving people in an expensive Mercedes can be quite uplifting if you
> are of a philosophic nature. You may want to bring some pieces of bread
> with you to throw through open car windows. The resulting fights can often
> be worth watching.
>
> 24. Contrary to popular belief, you may not bring your mother-in-law to
> Holland for do-it-yourself euthanasia. Tourists are warned not to take
> these matters into their own hands.
>
> 25. Whether you are catholic, Muslim or worshipper of Urrrgl, god of all
> honest politicians, in Holland you are likely to run into a church, temple
> or oak-tree-and-virgin of your liking. Hollanders are supposed to be very
> tolerant of other believes, ways
> of life and religious convictions. They are not. The only reason for there
> being so many different churches, sects and cults is the fact that
> Hollanders disagree on just about
> > anything. A Hollander is always right (see item 6) and anyone who thinks
> different than him can jolly well bugger off and start his own church.
>
> 26. Holland is a kingdom. It has no king but a queen and her husband is no
> king but a prince. The queen doesn't rule the country -well, not much
> anyway- but she is very good at opening bridges, roads and visiting other
> countries. She is also very decorative at state banquets. Her son, the
> crown prince, will be king as soon as she stops queening. The queens
> husband is not a king but a prince but the crown princes wife will be a
> queen as soon as he is a king. On April the 30th its Queen's Day, which is
> not the birthday of the queen, but the birthday of princess Juliana the
> queen's mother (who used to be the queen). It is no wonder that more and
> more Nederlanders wish to make Holland a republic. Queen's Day, by the
> way, has nothing to do with royal festivities.
> It's just a Hollander's excuse to drink large quantities of alcohol. On
> Queen's Day Hollanders also sell garbage in the streets.
>
> 27. It might be wise to learn how to swim if you visit Holland. No, the
> dikes will hold, that is not the problem. The huge amount of ditches,
> moats, canals, rivers and brooks can however lead to mistakes. The shiny
> nice new asphalt road that you wish to drive your car on during a
> rainstorm, may in fact not be a road at all.
>
> 28. The Hollandse art. Most Nederlandse painters get to be famous only
> after they have died. That is a very sensible arrangement from the publics
> point of view. Not only do you get large quantities of paintings -a man
> has got to eat, right?- but it also makes a nice investment for
> art-lovers. The painters themselves do not share this view at all but are
> unable to do anything about it. In at least one case the frustration has
> led to self-mutilation involving an ear.
>
> 29. If one of your Hollandse friends invites you for a birthday party,
> prepare yourself for a unique experience. Unique, because it can only be
> compared to taking place on a wooden chair which has a sharp nail driven
> through the underside of the
> seat, and not being able to move for a month. More than one foreigner has
> been driven to the brink of insanity in just one evening. A Hollandse
> birthday party consists of sitting in a chair, talking to other Hollanders
> about your work, your car, foreigners and politics. You are expected to
> leave at 11 pm and you'll gladly do so.
>
(Nearly finished)

> 30. Do not get sick in Nederland. Over the last ten years, the famous
> Hollandse healthcare has been privatised. These days some operations, like
> open heart surgery, have a waiting list of more than six months. The
> doctors don't think that is a problem, "More than half of our patients for
> open heart surgery never even show up anyway" they say. Some Nederlandse
> patients who have become desperate, move to a country like Mozambique,
> Iraq or Pakistan where healthcare is infinitely better.
>
> 31. Holland has more cities than only Amsterdam. Like ..erm. ..Well, it
> has!!
>
> 32. Hollandse beer has made quite a reputation for itself over the years.
> Some people even drink it. Brewing is indeed one of the things Hollanders
> traditionaly do very well. Holland never used to be a country with
> anything more interesting to do than to drink oneself blind in new and
> interesting ways or make paintings. This made the beer industry very
> popular. Experts claim that once you have drank Hollandse beer like
> Heineken, Grolsch or Amstel, all other beers taste like the tapwater in a
> Rotterdam hotel.
>
> 33. Hollandse tapwater is safe to drink. This is quite remarkable
> considering that most drinking water comes from poluted rivers like the
> Rhine. Plans to improve the quality of the riverwater, so that fish like
> salmon will return to Hollandse rivers to spawn, can count on strong
> resistance from the Nederlanders. They don't like the idea of animals
> having sex in their drinking water.
>
> 34. There are about as many pigs in Holland as there are people. Quite
> amazing realy because there are 16.000.000 Hollanders and the pigs are the
> animal kind of pigs. Now, take 1 pig. Go on, take it. Now feed it. Wait.
> Wait some more. Now watch and you'll see two things happening. The pig
> gets a little fatter, which is good. There's quite a bit of waste coming
> out of the pig, which is bad. It smells. It smells bloody awful. Now
> multiply that smell with 16.000.000 Hollanders just don't seem to mind.
> They smell something different, they smell money. Which shows that not
> only does "pecunia non olet" (money doesn't
> smell) but it can can sweeten a great big stench as well. Oh and...
> you'll get used to that smell after only a few weeks.
>
> 35. Hollandse political debates are about as dull as a three-day lecture
> on the great Lituanian athletes from 1762 to 1809.
> No cries of "Hear hear!!", no fistfights in front of a camera, not even
> politicians calling each other incompetents. (And heaven knows the
> Hollandse politicians have their share of incompetents.) Telling your
> opponent that you question his policy is about as bad as it gets. As a
> result the interest in elections is about zero. Last election only two
> voters showed up. The first one had lost his way to the toilet and the
> other was an illigal immigrant who thought he had come to right place for
> a passport.
(Glad i didn't have to type it.)

ROTFLOL Valen!
Took some time to read but it was good
'K here's another one:

A salesman rang the doorbell, and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father was home.

Johnny said, "Yes."

The salesman said, "Well, can I see him please?"

Johnny snickered and said, "No, he is in the shower."

The salesman asked if his mother was home.

Johnny said, "Yes."

The salesman asked, "Well, can I see her?"

Johnny snickered again and said, "No, she's in the shower too."

The salesman then asked, "Do you think they will be out soon?"

Johnny laughed this time and said, "No."

The salesman asked, "Why?"

"Well," Johnny said, "when my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him some Super Glue."

And another one:
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug; deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice tits," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yeah I'm from Holland I know!

Ok, this is a story, don´t know if it´s appropriate but then what is?
Now mind you, don´t take anything to serious ok, its for a laugh and no it isn´t based on a true story..



A young man is wandering, lost in the forest, when he comes upon a
small house. Knocking on the door, he is greeted by an ancient
Chinese man with a long gray beard.
"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but with one condition. If you so
much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the worst
Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said the man, (thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as
well), and entered the house.
Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,
beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to
the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old mans warning, he ignored her and went up to bed
alone.
During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck in to her room
for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so
the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn, he crept back to his room,
exhausted, but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest.
Opening his eyes, he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it
that read.
"Chinese torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old
man can do then I don't have much to worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the
boulder out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read,
"Chinese tourture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting
close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was beter than
castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he
plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that
read, Chinese torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.


Melusine, I love your pic.. Very.. delicate..

hahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahaahahahahahahahhaaha hahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahah ! Good one Wolfie!


Now I'm not a sexist type guy, but this was just to funny not to post!
Enjoy:

Some reasons that it's great to be a guy:
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
Movie nudity is virtually always female.
A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
You can open all your own jars.
Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.
Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every picture of somebody crying.
All your orgasms are real.
You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
Your last name stays put.
You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
You can write your name in the snow.
Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Flowers fix everything.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking, "He must be mad at me."
The world is your urinal.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
One mood, all the time.
You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's just too dirty.
You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.
With 400 million sperm cells per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
You don't mooch off others' desserts.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
The remote control is yours and yours alone.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers.
You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends that you've changed.
Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase, "screw it."
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.
Your pals can be trusted to never trap you with, "So... notice anything different?"




Things that suck about being a guy:
The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.
External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.
Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you're not allowed to cry.
Ribbed for her pleasure -- not yours.
You have to wear ties.
You can't flirt your way out of a jam.
"Women and children first."
hihi!

hehe Vicotnik, that was something... hehe LOL und soweiter..

Something for all our antipaladins, helliches and other evildoers..
http://minievil.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html
Check it out..

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The
weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Silence.
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was
talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the
hot coffee
in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of
mine!"

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

John woke up one morning with an enormous erection, so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened, though, and was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John wrote a note, called to his little boy, and asked him to bring the note to his wife. It read:

The tent pole is up,
The canvas is spread,
The hell with breakfast,
Come back to bed.

Heather answered the note with one of her own and asked her son to take it to her husband. The note read:

Take the tent pole down,
Put the canvas away,
The monkey had a hemorrhage,
No circus today.

John read the note and scribbled a reply. He asked his son to take it to his wife. The note read:

The tent pole's still up,
And the canvas still spread,
So drop what you're doing,
And come give me some head.

Heather answered the note and asked her son to deliver it to her husband. The note read:

I'm sure that your pole's
The best in the land.
But I'm busy right now,
So do it by hand!

Two Aliens land at a closed gas station out in the desert. The two aliens get out, one a big tall one, one a short one, walk over to a gas pump. The tall one says, "Take me to your leader." The little one looks in amazement and says to the big one, "Man, don't mess with him!"
The big guy sort of looks down at his side kick with a yeah right look, and says, "Allright take me to your leader!" The little alien sort of shakes his head and say,"I'm telling ya don't mess with em."
The big guy frowns, and gets forceful, "Look take me to your leader or I'll force you to!"
The little guy goes, "Don't mess with him! Don't mess with him!"
The big guy draws out his ray gun and says, "I give you till the count of three to take me to your leader or I'll start blasting!"
The litte alien once again says, "Don't mess with him! Man, Don't mess with him!"
The big one says, "1,2," and the little one is still harping, "Don't mess with him!"
Big alien says "3!" and fires his raygun! BOOM!! The two aliens get blown about a half mile into the desert and land on a sand dune.
The big one wakes up, coughs and crawls over to the little alien and says, "HEY how did you know not to mess with him?"
The little alien looks up from his burned face, coughs, and says, "Man, any guy who can wrap his dick three times around his body and stick it in his ear is someone you don't mess with."

A quick one before I go to sleep:

Two kids were arguing about whose father can beat up whose father.

One boy said, "My father is better than your father."

The other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother."

The first boy paused and said, "I guess you're right. My father says the same thing."


Good night everybody!

Stop! Can't take anymore laughter! Vicotnik how many jokes do you actually know? Thousands?! Well, keep it going this is great! No need to do sit-ups tonight, my stomach muscles have gotten quite a good exercise from laughing!

Get your stretching exercises done LadyW and prepare for more!

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her, and all his professionalism went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.

He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."

EEEEOOWWWWWWW!

This one is tooooooo funny!!!

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition that causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles," the doctor says.

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need-a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see, size 44 long?"

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job," the salesman said.

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and sixteen and a half neck?"

Joe was surprised. "That's right, how did you know?" he asked.

"It's my job," the salesman said again.

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure,"

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see, size nine and a half

Joe was astonished. "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job," the salesman repeated.

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"

Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see, seven and five-eighths."

Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" Joe asked.

"It's my job," the salesman laughed.

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size thirty-six?"

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size thirty-four since I was eighteen-years-old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

There's an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."

Phew!

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.

He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

time for another one

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, '■■■■ him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

It'd be nice if you would share some of your jokes on this thread so you don't keep getting only my adultxxx jokes!

*******************

Three men were lost in the forest and later captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest with the cannibals and get 10 pieces of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather some.

The first man came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."

The king then explained the second step of the trial to him. First, he had to shove the fruits up his ass without any expression on his face, or he would be eaten. The first apple went in, but when he tried the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.

The second man arrived and showed the king that his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to the second man, he secretly thought to it would be easy to shove the berries up his ass. On the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, so he was also was killed and went to heaven.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!"

The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doin' just great when all of a sudden the third guy showed up with all those watermelons!"

I hate my absence to cause any pain....so read and laugh.

1)
DEAR DIARY

Aug. 12 - Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited.
It's so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can
hardly wait to see them with snow covering them.

Oct. 14 - Canada. It is the most beautiful place on earth.
The leaves have turned all colours and shades of red and
orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful countryside and
saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the
most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love
it here.

Nov. 11 - Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can't
imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope
it snows soon. I love it here.

Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything
blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went
outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the
driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won). When the snow
plough came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a
beautiful place. I love Canada.

Dec. 12 - More snow last night. The snow plough did his trick
again to the driveway. I love it here.

Dec. 19 - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the
driveway to get to work. It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted
from shoveling. (■■■■■■■ snow plough.)

Dec. 22 - More of that white shit fell last night. I've got
blisters on my hands and a sore back from shoveling. I think
the snow plough hides around the corner until I'm done
shoveling the driveway. Asshole.

Dec. 25 - Merry ■■■■■■■ Christmas! More frigging snow. If I
ever get my hands on the son-of-a-bitch who drives the snow
plough, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they
don't use more salt on the roads to melt the ■■■■■■■ ice.

Dec. 27 - More white shit last night. Been inside for three
days now except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow
plough goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, the car's
stuck in a mountain of white shit and it's so frigging cold.
The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the shit
again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10
inches is?

Dec. 28 - That ■■■■■■■ weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches
of the shit this time. At this rate it won't melt before
summer. The snow plough got stuck up in the road and that
bastard came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I
told him that I had already broken six shovels shoveling out
all the shit he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke
my last one over his ■■■■■■■ head.

Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store
to get food and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of
the car. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those ■■■■■■■
beasts should be killed. The bastards are everywhere. Wish
the hunters had exterminated them all last November.

May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe
the thing is rusted out from all that ■■■■■■■ salt they put all
over the roads.

May 10 - Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their
right mind would ever want to live in such a God forsaken place
as Canada.

2)
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get
her tomatoes to turn red.
One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentleman neighbor who
had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman
asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The
gentleman responded, "Well, if you must know, twice a day I stand in
front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn
red from blushing so much."
Since the woman had tried everything else she could think of and was
out of ideas, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato
garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks, she exposed
herself to her garden, hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the
way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No," she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

3)
> >"Hey Marco! Is it true you have a new girlfriend?" Alfie quizzed.
> >
> >"Yeah, it's true" he mumbled.
> >
> >"Hey, what's the matter?" Alfie asked.
> >
> >"Well, it's my new girlfriend," he said.
> >
> >"Oh yeah? What's the problem?"
> >
> >"Well I asked her if she could learn to love me," he replied.
> >
> >"Yeah...and?" Alfie pryed further.
> >
> >"and she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education.

4)
> > Subject: Male Bashing!
> >
> >
> > My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will Make
> you
> > happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I
> squirted
> > it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out
> of
> > the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think If I
> mowed
> >
> > the lawn like this?"
> > "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?"
> > "A horsy," one child answers.
> > "And this?" the teacher asks.
> > "A piggy." replies another youngster.
> > "And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male
> deer
> > with a beautiful rack of antlers.
> > There was no answer, only total silence.
> > "Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint.
> > What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?"
>
> > "I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl." It's a horny bastard!"
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > Q : What must a woman do when a man is running around in circles?
> > A : Reload and carry on shooting.
> >
> > Q : Why can't men get Mad Cow Disease?
> > A : Because it only attacks the brain.
> >
> > Q : What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
> > A : A rumor.
> >
> > Q : A couple are lying in bed. The man says : "I am going to make you
> the
> > happiest woman in the world"
> > A : The woman says : "I will surely miss you"
> >
> > Q : What takes longer to make - a snowman or snowwoman?
> > A : The snowman, because you have to hollow out the head first.

5)
> Just Fred..
>
>
> A local law enforcement officer stopped a
> car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he was in a
> good mood that day he decided to give the poor fellow a break and write
> him
> out a warning instead of a ticket. So he asks the man his name. "Fred"
> he
> replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred" the man responds.
> When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he
> used
> to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on
> his
> hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last
> name?" The man replies..."It's a long story so stay with me. I was born
> Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all
> the
> time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I
> got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through
> college,
> medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred
> Dingaling,MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go
> back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school,
> got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing
> dentistry
> so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was
> Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so
> they
> took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found
> out
> about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my
> MD
> leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling
> so
> now I'm just Fred." The officer let him go without even a warning.

6)
> >1.Why do women wear red lipstick?
> >To warn people it's the wrong hole.
> >
> >2.What's the similarity between a woman's legs and bread&butter?
> >Delicious when spread!
> >
> >3.What's the difference between a bowling ball & a ■■■■■?
> >You can only put in 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
> >
> >4.Sex is like MATH ADD the bed, SUBTRACT the clothes, DIVIDE the
> >legs, and MULTIPLY!
> >
> >5.What do u get when u cross breed a rooster with an M&M?
> >A cock that melts in your mouth not in your hands.
> >6.Ho! Ho! Ho! Why are Santa Clause's balls so big?
> >Coz he only comes once a year! Ho! Ho! HO!
> >
> >7.Dodi saw his driver in heaven and said:
> >"I said I wanna ■■■■ Di in the tunnel, not ■■■■■■■ die in the
> >tunnel!"
> >
> >8.What is the similarity between a priest & a Xmas tree?
> >Their balls are only for decoration.
> >
> >9.Why do men get paid more at the sperm bank than in a blood bank?
> >Sperm is handmade.
> >
> >10.What happen to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
> >They become mummies!
> >11.What part of the human anatomy that ocassionally drips & feels good
> >when blown?
> >The NOSE!
> >
> >12.What are the 2 best parts of a wedding?
> >The playing of the Organ & the Coming of the bride

7)
Santa Writes Back


> Dear Santa,
>
> I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben
a good boy all yeer.
>
> YeR FReND,
> BiLLy
>
> Dear Billy,
> > > Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a
career lawncare specialist.
How 'bout I send you a ■■■■■■■ book so you can
learn to read and write?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger,
at least HE can spell!
> > >
> > > Santa

> > > ---------
> > > Dear Santa,
> > >
I have been a good girl all year, and the only
thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
> > >
> > > Love, Sarah
> > >
> > > Dear Sarah,
> > >
> > > You're parents smoked pot when they had
you, didn't they?
> > >
> > > Santa
> > > ---------
> > > Dear Santa,

> > > I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck.
Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
> > >
> > > Love,
> > > Joey
> > >
> > > Dear Joey,
> > >
> > > Let me make it up to you. While you
sleep,
I'm gonna torch your house.
You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do
with.
> > >
> > > Santa
> > > ----------



Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy
and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
> > >
> > > Love,
> > > Teddy
> > >
> > > Dear Teddy,
> > >
> > > What, and ruin that hot affair your
dad's still
having with the baby-sitter? He's banging her like a screen
door in a hurricane, son!
> >Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
> > >
> > > Santa
> > > ---------
> > > Dear Santa,
> > >
> > > I need more Pokemon cards please! All
my
friends have more Pokemon cards than me. Please see what you
can do.
> > >
> > > Love,
> > > Michelle
> > >
> > > Dear Michelle,
> > >
> > > It blows my ■■■■■■■ mind. Kids are
forcing
their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these
stupid cards, and
none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the
game. Let me
get you something more your speed, like "Chutes and Ladders."
> > >
> > > Santa
> > > --------
> > > Dear Santa,
> > >
> > > I want a new bike, playstation, a train,
some
G.I. Joes, a dog, a drumkit, a pony and a tuba.
> > >
> > > Love,
> > > Francis
> > >
> > > Dear Francis,
> > >
> > > Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
> > >
* > > Santa

> > > Dear Santa,
> > >
> > > I left milk and cookies for you under
the
tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the
backdoor.
> > >
> > > Love,
> > > Susan
> > >
> > > Dear Susan,
> > >
> > > Milk gives me the shits and carrots make
the
deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass?
Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.
> > >
> > > Santa
> > > --------
> > > Dear Santa,
> > >
> > > What do you do the other 364 days of the
year?
Are you making toys?
> > >
> > > Your friend,
> > > Thomas
> > >
> > > Dear Thomas,
> > >
> > > All toys get made in China. I have a
condo in
Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail
waitresses asses,
And losing all my cash at the craps table.
> > >
> > > Hey, YOU wanted to know!
> > >
> > > Santa
> > > --------
> > > Dear Santa,
> > >
> > > Do you see us when we're sleeping, do
you
really know when we're awake, like in the song?
> > >
> > > Love,
> > > Jessica
> > >
> > > Dear Jessica,
> > > Are you that gullible?
Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house...
> > >
> > > Santa
> > > -------
> > > Dear Santa,
> > >
> > > I really really want a puppy this year.
Please
please please PLEASE
> &gtLEASE
> > > could I have one?
> > >
> > > Timmy
> > >
> > > Timmy,
> > >
> > > That whinny begging shit may work with
your
folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting a
sweater
> > > again.
> > >
> > > Santa
> > > --------
> > > Dearest Santa,
> > >
> > > We don't have a chimney in our house,
how do
you get into our home?
> > >
> > > Love,
> > > Marky
> > >
> > > Mark,
> > >
> > > First, stop calling yourself "Marky,"
that's
why you're getting your ass whipped at school.
Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a
low-rent apartment complex you're living in.
> > >
Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do,
Through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams!
> > >
> > > Santa

VALEN

NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER CALL PEOPLE FROM THE NETHERLANDS HOLLANDER

THERE'S MORE TO THE NETHERLANDS THAN HOLLAND
PEOPLE FROM HOLLAND ARE PEOPLE FROM ROTTERDAM OR AMSTERDAM OR ANY OTHER CITY IN THE PROVINCES NORTH AND SOUTH HOLLAND OR ZEELAND
BUT THE REST OF THE NETHERLANDS IS NOT HOLLAND
DAMN YOU NON-DUTCH

AND DUTCH IS NOT HOLLANDS
DUTCH IS NEDERLANDS
HOLLAND IS HOW PEOPLE WITH OUT EDUCATION TALK DUTCH
HOLLANDS IS A DIALECT JUST LIKE ACHTERHOEKS LIMBURCHS AND BRABANTS
IT'S NOT DUTCH
YOU GOT THE F*CKING POINT

Some dutch cities
Amsterdam
Rotterdam
Den Haag (the real capital)
Utrecht
Apeldoorn
Groningen
Heerenveen
Maastricht (from the maastricht treaty)
Nijmegen
Amstelveen
Arnhem
Middelburg
Haarlem
Assen (from the TT of Assen if you're a motorace fan)
Den Bosch
Eindhoven (PSV!!!!!)
Leeuwarden
Doetinghem
Dortrecht
Tiel
Tilburg
Kerkrade
Venlo
and more but i don't wanna write anymore

HEHEHEHE I like thats first post viktonic, particulary the devil one ...can't be botherd to read the rest right now

Hm went a bit bezerk overhere
But scottish don't like being called english neither

Gabriel - That was huge! I loved it! That Canada one was pretty funny the way it slowly changed! The santa letters were good too! I have a friend that is a housewife that doesn't get many e-mails so I've been randomly sending her the best ones here on this Board. She loves them! Keep going!

BUMP

Great all of you keep them coming...

Three guys walk into a bar, the fourth one ducks!

Gotta BUMP this again!

> > A father one day notices that his son is coming of age. He decides
> > to take his son into town to learn the facts of life from a
> > skilled women. They ride into town from the Australian outback and
> > tie up at the local cathouse.
> > The father sends his son upstairs. When the son is alone with the
> > lady, she takes off her skirt. The son picks up a chair and thows
> > it out the window. The lady thinks this is a bit odd, but she takes
> > off her shirt. The son throws a lamp out the window. The woman
> > removes her bra, the son tosses the table. Finally, the women
> > removes her shorts; the son tosses the bed out the window.
> > The lady can no longer contain her curiosity; she exclaims," What
> > in the heck are you doing?".
> > The son explains," Well, if this is anything like kangaroos,
> > we're going to need an awful lot of room!"