Hello this is the beggining of a book I am writing. Yes I am a writer. Please give me your view and your ideas.
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Prologe
A Lighting bolt flashed over a dark mansion. Lightning like that hardly ever occurs and now wasn't an exeption. It was being caused by the Necromancer Jon. (Holy Mage Wah can I use your Hell Caster thing?) No he wasn't always a Necro. He once was a decent man, that was before he bumped into the Enforcer Zaloughint. All that he did was cast a spell in a forbidden area causing the Enforcers to come. Jon killed them all but before he killed Zaloughint the Enforcer got one spell off; Mind Wreack.
The spell caused Jon to go crazy and to use his powers for bad. In fact he planned to control the world with his dark magic. And he was close already nothing could stop him and all the people who attacked him were trapped in crystalls which would drain energy untill the target would almost die then stop. When he recovered it started again. Only one hope was for him to be stopped, the (Again Holy Mage Wah do you mind if I use your name here?) Mage....... But sadly not even yet did she know her powers and this is the story how she learnt about them.
...................

Hey Jon, are you really asking for opinions? Because mine would be critical, definitely CONSTRUCTIVELY, but critical nonetheless. I'm always fair and honest in matters like these, but I will also be honest about what I don't like. If you will not be offended by that, I will give you my opinion. One minor thing: You probably know this, but there are some spelling mistakes in the piece, and it would be good to run a spellcheck before you put it here.

yep I want your real opinion. But no Flaming Messages like " You Suck!" Because those have no point. Also I am aware of the Spelling and normally would spell check it. Also did you get my Item Melusine?

Sure Jon, use the hell caster thing the way you want. (although you did use it before saying that anyway!!!)

Are you putting me as a mage 'hero' in ya little piece? heh heh. sounds good to me. Oh yeah if you are - then I am a 'he' NOT A 'she' OK?

You got all the imagination jon - I like that.

I'll try to kick in a couple of paragraphs so that evil brain of yours can get stuck in!!

The weather cleared on Mirthul evening. Though the sun has shone far brighter before - it was a relief in Domain Diablo. Last night's events seems cloudy and the ground still bore stains of the lightning storm, neverless it was a sign of spring for the normal town folks of Diablo.
The village was beginning to show its weakness in strength and even the mayor himself seemed reluctant to assure Diablo's forthcoming fate. Many bizarre storms have come this way recently and not one was to be explained by any science. Lightning tearing across the sky, so-called 'meteors' pounding down the nearby woods - setting flames alight. There seemed like no escape from the demons of the weather.
Wise Sages and Elder mages frantically begin to cast true sight - hoping to glimspe the problem slightly, but the terror remained shadowed. At this rate Diablo won't last long, water was plentiful at night but rare in the morning, the village was becoming chaotic, and even the wise elder mage Sarker doubted often.
Commoners flock the statue of Mystra, praying for her benevolent aid. Priests and mages work day and night casting luck and greater malison to create any possible protection. The situation was unpredictable. No one knew the cause. No one knew a cure. And as the settling sun lowered its crimson being into the shadows - the battered sky once again shattered it's demonic rampage............................

Yeh I did get your item(s) (THANK YOU! ) but where do I install them, in which folder? Also is it correct that the bullets are a LOG file but the ring is an ITM file?
OK lots of questions here but about what you wrote (first of all, NATURALLY as I am a friendly intelligent creature I'm not gonna just say 'you suck' that would be kinda cruel and unfair and singleminded).

I have a couple of notes:
Firstly I think the second sentence has an inconsistency in it: if you say that such lightning hardly ever occurs and continue to say that now wasn't an exception, what you're actually saying is that there wasn't any lightning at all.

Secondly I think you're taking the story way too fast. In hardly 10 lines you have posed the entire problem of your book. People don't want that, they want some more elaboration. The first two lines are sort of scenery diescription, but then suddenly you just barge of into the story in a kind of matter-of-fact way. It sounds like a summary of some plot than as the actual plot.

Thirdly I think you should avoid using cliche language and structures. Try to formulate things in a new way, a way that differs from the way you normally speak. I think your use of language tends to be too matter-of-factly. Its like telling lord of the rings like this:
"Sauron was an evil guy who had planned to rule Middle Earth by using some rings of great power. However, a small hobbit by the name of Frodo managed to frame him by destroying the singlemost important ring in a volcaneous mountain."

So my tips are: elaborate, try to be original in your use of language and include some more background information (for example, elaborate on the dark mansion before you go on to talk about Jon)

BTW Be assured that these critical notes are meant purely to be constructive and helpful and not to put you down or anything

I wouldn't try to put so much in so quickly. I think it's a good idea, but I would build it a little slower. I like the idea of the opening line, but would maybe reword it to " A Lighting bolt, most unnatural, flashed over a dark mansion. The source of the eerie flash was....." Then slowly build his character profile.

if you're into comic stuff and manga like I am then take some action!!

BAMMMM!!! the holy mage VS hell caster

Yeah that sounds cool - create a story where they both were once brothers and were separated by the gods themselves. Mystra aided Holy Mage and Hell Lord aided you. Then they have a thing where you become so powerful, and the only way to kill you is the the holy mage wah to cast the holy spell = angel's star

so the story talks about adventurers and holy mage looking for 'angel's star' before it is too late..........................

Erm...Wah? it's still Jons story isn't it? big wink

(ahem - looks red) I think my imagination takes me way beyond myself sometimes!!

do you think I was in a 'berserk' state or something?

LOL

BTW any more people on this board with literary aspirations?

I've written a bit, but no aspirations. When I was younger.......

I'm a journalist, and I write in my spare time.
(notes everybody's blank stare)

Wanna know the real story about kaël
- qoute - is when the dragon talkes
" qoute " is when rikard talkes
* qoute * is when Kaël screams

[qoute]-Give it up small one don't forget i've defeated you before Rikard and that was with your whole party Now you are alone-
"You forget Dragon I've been traveling going everywhere gethering experience just so that i could kill you"
-Don't be overconvident Rikard You cannot defeat me you cannot defeat a Black dragon-
"Oh Yes I CAN Trust me I Can"
---------------Big fight---------------
pieces of dead dragon everywhere
---------------------------------------
"Told you could defeat you
hehe"
*help* *HELP ME*
"who goes there who goes in the lair of the dead dragon
*My name is Kaël Help me please*

A Holy mage with Hell spells ?

Sorry I am bit confused.

But i like some thing with the role play thing . 6 our 8 people.
difrent classes (like BG2) ETC

(funny a book) Send me a script is you finish it. at my e-mail : kamer_plant@hotmail.com

Mabey i write a book too .

If I am I bit older .

no cleric it's the holy mage (me i think) that has the potential to destroy the hell mage (jon irenicus). He uses hell magic and I use holy magic. Only he can destroy me, Only I can destroy him - before it's too late

The story of Armisael, chapter one.

In a small, unkempt apartment, a man sat on a couch, buried within a small pile of empty beer bottles. His significant other had left some hours ago, and he was now catching up on the sleep she hadn't allowed him. This wasn't a good thing by any stretch, since as a general rule, Armisael's girlfriend preferred shouting to rooting. He was too scared to say anything to her about it. He had, however, considered moving secretly to Holland, but only before remembering he was about as adept at grasping foreign languages as he was at grasping pretty much anything else.
The phone went off.
Armisael's right eyelid unfolded to reveal a red raw mass with a phlegm-green pupil tucked uncomfortably within. His left eye was still welded shut with mucus.
Armisael was experiencing a hangover. Hangovers didn't usually bother Armisael as long as he was asleep. The throbbing inside his head told him he was no longer asleep, and the ringing from a foot to his right told him he probably wasn't going to enjoy being awake very much, either.
A brief tinkle later, one of Armisael's arms found its way out of the glass bottle mountain and over to the phone's handpiece. He plucked it from its perch. Several more beer bottles were dislodged as the handpiece closed the space between its cradle and the man's ear.
"Yeah," Armisael drawled, trying hard not to think about the taste in his mouth.
"Hey," the voice on the other end said cheerily. "You're late for work again."
"Am I fired?" Armisael asked, semi-hopefully.
"No," the disembodied voice replied. "I didn't tell Berg yet."
"I'll be there in about an hour, then."
"Okay. Bye."
"Alright."
"See ya."
"Bye."
"B--"
The phone was returned to its rightful place and Armisael prepared to face something far more frightening than the deepest dungeon, the largest dragon, or the most irritating xvart. It was time to step out into... the real world.
To be continued.

Notes: My boss' surname is, in fact, 'Berg'.

I'll help you with your trip to holland
Berg means Mountain in dutch so now you know dutch
Another this to help you off Drinking come to holland and experiance Drugs
BTW Drugs in dutch is Drugs

-C'mon Kaël don't just stand there kill him-
*but but I can't he's a He's a god*
-an almost dead god he is-
*But still i can't do it*
Forgot you petty Ethics Remember what he has done a god or not he is evil-
*Yes yes and evil must be wiped awa but..*
-BUT What Kaël Do you think anybody cares if you kill him A man of such foul deeds He has never done anything that is worthy of a god-
*SO WHY DON'T YOU KILL HIM RIKARD, WELL?*
-Coz you are weak my apprentice you must learn to kill so that you will not be killed by someone you have given mercy-
*he is down he can't do anything why why should i kill him*
-You truly are waek my appr... huh what-
Telahan The God of Useless evil thingies raises
+You should have killed me while you could Mortal Now is your doom+
Talahan cast powerword kill
Kaël Death
Rikard cast time stop
Rikard unlease Spelltrigger
Rikard cast Fire arrow
Rikard cast magic missle
Rikard cast Sunray
Rikard unlease Spellsequencer
Talahan takes 1832 damage
Telahan Death
-Why didn't you just listen Kaël Now your dead again-
ah well guess i could take you body to Landon agian and heve you resurrected again
You are nothing then trouble Kaël-

Talehan: contingency: Resurrection
Talehan: raised

Holy Mage Wah: Ho!! Traveller, I sense a great evil before you. Let me aid you defeat this monster.

kael: if you so wish Holy Mage Wah, I would beg of your assistance

Rikard: Wah, it is I Rikard - we must hurry, Talehan is gaining power as we speak!!

Holy Mage Wah: SO BE IT!!!

Rikard: Power word kill: telehan
Holy Mage Wah: Holy Conqueror: talehan
kael: attacks Talahan
Talahan: disintergrate: kael
Kael: disintergrated

holy Mage Wah: kael didn't even last 2 seconds
Rikard: he lasted 3 in fact
Holy mage wah: Oh!!! sorry I must be counting too fast!
Rikard: heh heh - no I've got a stopwatch

Talahan: chain lightning: Holy Mage Wah
Holy Mage Wah: magic resistance
Rikard: save vs spell: damage taken 20
Rikard: wail of the banshee
Holy Mage Wah: Holy Matronmony
talahan: Save vs death
Talahan: damage taken 8376
Talahan: dark conqeror: rikard
Rikard: hp reduced to 1

Holy Mage Wah: are you OK rikard?
Rikard: that monster is tougher than the hide leather on my butt
Holy mage Wah: I'll protect you
Holy MAge wah: Holy Shield
Rikard: protected by holy shield

Talahan: dark storm :rikard
Rikard: shielded from storm: storm ineffective
Holy Mage Wah: RIKKKKKKAAAAAARRRDDDDD!!!!!
Holy Mage Wah: death

(to be continued...............)

-Goddammed why is every body dying on me-
+Coz you are weak Rikard I could kill you with one blow+
-Just try it foul Beast-
Talahan 14-5=9 miss
+What the hell+
-You didn't realy killed me now did you-
Rikard chain contingency Heal, Bless, Draw upon Holy might
-Now watch my power-
Rikard's eyes turn red
Rikard cast materialice Kaël
Kaël resurrected
Rikard cast resurrect
Wah resurrected

-Talahan now you will die by my hand-
Rikard Cast guide Helms Godly power
Rikard cast Flame arrow
Rikard cast magic missle
Rikard cast sunray
Rikard cast delayed Fire ball
Rikard cast flame strike
Rikard cast Cone of Cold
Talahan takes 4436 damage
Rikard cast Ungodly mystic
Talahan Ungodefied
Rikard cast disintergrate
Talahan Death
Talahan disintergrated

Holy Mage Wah: no rikard!! what have you done?
Rikard: what? I'm only trying to kill a monster, is that so bad?
Holy Mage Wah: yeah is is!!
Rikard: Why? If you don't shut up I'll disintergrate you.
Holy Mage Wah: Look!! he's rising again - this time he's the demi-talahan.

Rikard: a demi god?
Holy Magem Wah: yeah, by killing him you have freed him
Rikard: oh god, not another kangaxx!
Holy Mage Wah: I'm afraid so friend.

Demi-talahan: fools
Demi-talahan: dark destroyer of the ancient runes
Holy mage Wah: Watch out!! Casts light protector of the ancient runes
demi-talahan: spell cancelled and shattered.
Holy mage Wah: phew that was close

Rikard: hey, Holy mage Wah - how many bloody spells do you know?
Holy Mage Wah: enough to fill your public library
Rikard: awwwww god, a living dictionary!!
Holy Mage Wah: ahh shaddup: casts silence: Rikard
Rikard: save vs Spell

Demi-talahan: FOOLS!!!
demi-talahan: black magic of alantos!
Holy Mage Wah: white magic of mystra!
Holy Mage Wah: Uggggh, he's strong: damage taken 17
Rikard: disintergrate: demi-talahan
Holy Mage Wah: Rikard, your pathetic magic is useless man
Rikard: so why don't you teach me something then big mouth!!

Holy Mage Wah: OK, say this: alantos fortura verico aslakate
Rikard: blah, blah, alantos fortura verico aslakate
Rikard: casts HOLY CAGE: demi-talahan
demi Talahan: caged

Holy Mage Wah: quickly, let's get outta here
Rikard: why? I wanna fight this beastie, probably worth 1000000 experience!!
Holy Mage Wah: you idiot, he's gonna free himself soon, RUN!!!
Rikard: no
Holy Mage Wah: domination: Rikard
rikard: save vs spell
Holy Mage Wah: Oh god Rikard, please.................before it's too late........

(to be continued...................)

The rest of the battle (i wrote i but it disappert and i don't feel like writing i al over

Wah leaves
Helm comes tells rikard about his legacy and his father and the Legend that only a halfgod can defeat Telahan
Helm leaves takes kaël with him
Neathen'contaeria father of rikard and a god arrives
Give rikard his Godly power
and leaves

Rikard utterly defeats Telahan
Rikard burn the pieced of telahan flesh liing around and Captures Telahans soul in a planer prison
Rikard gained 750000 exp points

The End
(no wah he will not escape but Wah will find a very powerful being on his way out telahans lair

thanks all you and Melusine I figured out your pro. I am sending you your new Bullets!

Thank you! Nice thread this....BUMP

WOOHOO! Everybody, congratulate me!!! I've crossed the 100 posts line!!

Holy Mage Wah I think I might use your paragraph. Also If I ever finish the book I will *try* to send a copy to all of you! Congrateulagtion Melusine! Enjoy the Bullets!

Erm.. Jon? I thought you said you'd be sending me new bullets as there was something wrong with the file? I just checked my e-mail but maybe you forgot. Also where do I install them (in what folder?)
Thanks in advance

also you might some ideas from what me and Rikard have been getting up to.

hehehehe....it's a real laugh Jon.

Rikard: Stun Me? (grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!)

Damn it thgank you for reminding me
I pasted the 600 post yesterday

Dammit Rikard!! you type too much - time to get typing real fast!!

Wah: haste: wah
Wah hasted

tap....tap....tap...tap (awwwwwww only 140 something) *sigh* Rikard - I give up - no racing ya on this one!!

You should have enter the BG1 Forum
Or not Armisael has got around 1100 posts
hmm

~ Mad devilish laugh ~
Hey Wah, I'm gaining on you...look at how many posts we both have! I'm gonna beat you sugar!!! Woohahahahahahahaha!!!!!

Uh Oh!!! Gotta type like hell, sorry dinner - can't eat you today - oh maybe, sorry homework, do you tomorrow, sorry bed - sleep on you tomorrow!!

Gotta type gotta type!!!

Hey Wah just do like I do: eat a pizza in front of the computer......uh oh.........dirtying my boyfriend's keyboard with my greasy paws..oops!

Jon sorry for messing up your thread

Now I wish I was I had 4 arms sometimes!!

hey I know!!

got Wah: casts limited wish
Dinnji: What is you wish master?
Got Wah: I want 4 arms till tomorrow morning
Dinnji: yes master!!

Melusine: Casts Wish
Greater Djinni: What is your command Mistress
Melusine: Undo Wah's Wish
Greater Djinni: But..but...
Melusine: Well isn't this a Wish?
Greater Djinni: Um yes
Melusine: So it's more powerful than a Limited Wish, right?
Greater Djinni: Um right!
Melusine: Well then dispel Wah's Limited Wish...no wait, make that: give Wah no arms at all for 24 hours... see how fast he can type with his toes heh!
Greater Djinni: Checks Melusines Wisdom: Damn, it's 20...guess I'll have to obey
Greater Djinni: Fulfills Wish

Ive written a lot of poems. Ive started novels a few times but always run out enthusiasm. I have about 6 half started works mouldering on my hard drive and numerous sketched out stories with no work begun on them. Maybe one day Ill get off my ass and finish something but dont count on it.
Hey Armisael finish your story. Do you get fired, does you girl finally sleep with you rather than let at you, do you find a miraculous hangover cure?

*Gets some popcorn and makes himself comfy*

Yes thank you Mandrake...I am also interested in the rest of Armisaels story.. it sounded really interesting

damn!! melusine - I guess I have to start using my toes then!!

or else.................

Holy Mage Wah: limited wish
Dinjji: Master, melusine said I can't.........
Holy Mage Wah: Here's 8000 gold for your troubles, now can I have my arms again?
Dinjji: 8000???? Blimey that is a hell of a lot of gold!!
Holy Mage Wah: will you do it?
Dinjji: yes master: but what about melusine?
Holy Mage Wah: here's another 1000000 gold, slow her for the next couple of weeks!
Dinjji: WOW!!!! Your wish is my command!!