Joke World 10-01-09
 

New month, new set...well maybe!

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said,
"Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of
the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start
making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the landing
of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way
down."

The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock
on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them "That must
be the door, I'll get it!"

Re: Joke World 10-01-09
 

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine" explained.

"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

Re: Joke World 10-01-09
 

Three blondes were all vying for the last available position on the local police force. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So you all want to be a cop, eh?"

The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and withdrew a photograph, and said, "To be a detect, you have to be able to DETECT. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. "Now, he said, "Did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He only has one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of COURSE he only has one eye in this picture! It's a PROFILE of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

The blonde immediately shot back, "Yep! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just said to the other lady? This is a PROFILE of the man's face! Of COURSE you can only see one ear!! You're excused, too! You'd never make a good detective!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turn his attention to the last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but....". He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "Alright. Did YOU notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "Yes, I did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could tell that by looking at this picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "DUH! He has only one eye and one ear, he certainly CAN'T WEAR GLASSES!"

Re: Joke World 10-01-09
 

BAR JAR
A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be
more than ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?'

'Well......you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'

'You must pay first.....
Those are the rules,' says the bartender.

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex..... you have to take care of that problem!'

The man is stunned.
'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things...'
'Your call,' says the bartender..... 'But, your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says, 'Where's the damn tequila?'

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks... but he doesn't make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling , biting, and screaming sounds... then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and he's bleeding all over his body.

He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'

Re: Joke World 10-01-09
 

When Jock visited London for his holidays, he stayed at a big hotel. However, he didnt feel that the natives were very friendly. "At three oclock every morning," he told a friend, "they hammered on ma bed-room door, on the walls, even on the floor and ceiling. Sometimes they hammered so loudly I couldnae hear masel play the bagpipes."

Re: Joke World 10-01-09
 

Somebody taught this dog to do mean tricks...

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Re: Joke World 10-01-09
 

Funny

Re: Joke World 10-01-09
 

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"

Re: Joke World 10-01-09
 

Very,very old and PG too.


A six-year old boy was the only survivor of a sinking ocean liner; he made it to an uninhabited island in the South Pacific and learned to live on his own over the course of the years.
Much later, a fancy yacht sank and a beautiful young woman came swimming up to his island. He pulled her to shore, delighted to finally have some company. She asked him, "How have you gotten along here by yourself?"

"I've found different plants to eat, I dig for clams, and I occasionally can spear a fish in the lagoon"

"How long have you been here?"

"Almost twenty years."

"Well, you probably never even knew about sex, then, did you?"

"What's that?"

So she shows him. Afterwards she asked him what he thought about what they'd just accomplished.

He said, "Well, it was just fine, but look at what it did to my clam digger."

Re: Joke World 10-01-09
 

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

Re: Joke World 10-01-09
 

A little PG...

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine-year-old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out. The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"
The nine-year-old replies, "Nope, not for my mom." Without thinking, the cashier responded, "Well, they must be for your sister then?" The nine-year-old responded, "Nope, not for my sister either."

The cashier had now become curious. "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister -- then who are they for?"

The nine-year old says "They're for my four-year-old little brother." The cashier is surprised: "Your four year-old-brother?"

The nine-year-old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike -- and my little brother can't do either of those things."

Re: Joke World 10-01-09
 

Very old...

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The
turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is
struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front
of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails.

Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on
earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a
woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me
feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril,
and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the
plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel
like a woman," he says.

He's gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes,
he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button
at a time.

No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man
approaches.

He removes his shirt.

Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm
holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."

Re: Joke World 10-01-09
 

A photographer from a well known national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for himto photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air.He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate.He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!'' The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three lowpasses so I can take some pictures.""Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded,"and photographers take photographs."The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

Re: Joke World 10-01-09
 

Real oldie...

A couple made a deal that whoever died first, they would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was there was no heaven.

After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.

Mary... Mary...

Is that you Fred?

Yes, I have come back like we agreed.

What is it like?

Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again.

Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven.

Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas.

Re: Joke World 10-01-09
 

An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through she leans over and says, "I just had a silent fart .. what do you think I should do?"

He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid!"

Re: Joke World 10-01-09
 

National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years. The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"

Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"

Re: Joke World 10-01-09
 

Oh boy! A lawyer joke, oldie...!!!

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"

Re: Joke World 10-01-09
 

I read that lawyer joke about once a week. Surely every single person on the planet has heard it by now?

That said, people who live in glass houses.... well, you know. :)

http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g1...l/Biking3f.jpg

Re: Joke World 10-01-09
 

My plan for a halloween costume this year:
NOT SAFE FOR WORK


In keeping with the watch theme:
The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday. Very nice, but I think they may have misunderstood when I said “I wanna watch.”

BLONDE JOKES. Disclaimer: Us non-blondes are allowed to tell blonde jokes because you're blonde and it's not fair.

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away.... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"


RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "Duh! You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde.."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

Re: Joke World 10-01-09
 

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life.

The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of the problems.

Finally, he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did she look?"

"Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.

Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window."

Re: Joke World 10-01-09
 

The following exchanges occurred on the original United States "Hollywood Squares" TV game show, when the questions indisputably were designed to provoke comic responses, but the responses themselves were spontaneous, rather than scripted as they are in today's version of the show. The show featured various celebrities of the day.


Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high? A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: True or false . . . a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A: George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married? A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"? A: George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next flat.

Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking? A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year? A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!

Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score? A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other? A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q: When you pat a dog on its head, he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do? A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Q: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy? A: Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!

Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean? A: George Goebel: Cattle crossing.

Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q: When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at east two occasions. What are they? A: Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q: Do female frogs croak? A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Re: Joke World 10-01-09
 

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

Re: Joke World 10-01-09
 

A very tight man was looking for a gift for a girlfriend.

Everything was too expensive, except for a broken glass vase which he could purchase for almost nothing.

He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit.

In due time, the man received an acknowledgement from his friend.

"Thanks for the vase," it read. "It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately

Re: Joke World 10-01-09
 

A bit PG...


guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" he said to her.

"I don't know," replied the beautiful young woman. "It depends how personal it is."

"OK," the guy said. "How many men have you slept with?"

"I'm not going to tell you that!" the woman exclaimed. "That's my business!"

"Sorry," said the guy, "I didn't realize you made a living out of it."

Re: Joke World 10-01-09
 

A Redneck passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow . . . but she can't touch it 'till she's 14.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck motel? When you call the front desk and say, " I gotta leak in my sink, and the clerk replies .....
"Go ahead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age for Rednecks to 32 ??? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
---------------------------------------
Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder:
1) The DNA is all the same
2) There are no dental records
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Who invented the tooth brush?
A Redneck!! (If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been a teeth brush)
-------------------------------------
Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery ?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
----------------------------------------
A new Redneck law was just recently passed:
When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
----------------------------------------
Did you hear that the Redneck Governor's Mansion burned down?
'Yep.. Prit'near took out the whole trailer park.. The library was a total loss too. Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the Governor hadn't even finished coloring one of them.'
----------------------------------------------
A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16 and says to the driver, 'Got any I.D. ? ' . .
and the driver replies 'Bout wut?'

Re: Joke World 10-01-09
 

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.

When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.

She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was cleaning himself."

Re: Joke World 10-01-09
 

A friend of mine has a huge Labrador Retriever. It eats a lot, and we went to the store to buy a large bag of dog food. We were in line to check out and a woman behind him asked if he had a dog.

The "what a moron!" look on my buddy's face was priceless, and I knew what it meant: he was going to toy with her. He told her that no, he was starting The Purina Diet again although he probably shouldn't -- he said he had ended up in the hospital last time, but that he'd lost 50 pounds before he awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of his orifices and IVs in both arms.

He told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. He said that the food is nutritionally complete so he was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with his story, particularly a big tall guy who was behind the woman.

Horrified, she asked why he ended up in the hospital -- had the Purina made him sick? He told her no; he'd stopped in the middle of the street to lick his balls and a car hit him.

The woman turned fire-engine red, and I helped the tall guy up off the floor.

Re: Joke World 10-01-09
 

So I said "Hey man, that's my beer."Then he says, "No man, that's my beer." Then the beers say, "No man, we're our own beers." That's when we realized we had too many beers.

Re: Joke World 10-01-09
 

Oldie...

gay man walks into a country bar and says, "I just want everyone to know that I'm gay, but I won't hit on anyone. I just like country music."

The bartender says that it's okay and the man stays.

The next day the gay man comes back with another guy and says, "This is my brother. I just want everyone to know that we're gay, but we won't hit on anyone. We just like country music."

The bartender again says that is okay and the men stay.

Again, the next day the man comes back, but this time he is with even more men and says, "These are my cousins and my brother. I just want everyone to know that we're gay, but we won't hit on anyone. We just like country music."

The bartender finally gets curious and asks, "Hey, doesn't ANYONE in your family like girls?"

The gay man replies, "Yeah, but she doesn't like country music."

Re: Joke World 10-01-09
 

A tad PG...

During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton and Representative Condit had brought about the need for an eleventh commandment.

They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten.

After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be:

"Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."

Re: Joke World 10-01-09
 

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment.

"I've got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."

"Great. Where do you live?"

"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."

"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"

"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."

Re: Joke World 10-01-09
 

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK JEDI IF...

* your Jedi robe is a Camouflage color.

* You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.

* At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.

* There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.

* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

* You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.

* You think that the Stormtroopers Elite Guards are just KKK members with really good sheets.

* A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.

* You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not The Force.

* Your master ever said "My finger you will pull..hmmm?"

* You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.

* You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.

* You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.

* The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.

* Wookies are offended by your B.O.

* You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

* You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

* You have ever used a light-sabre to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.

* Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

* You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light.

* Your landspeeder has a bumper sticker that reads, "You can have my lightsaber when you pry it from my cold dead fingers!"

* Your R2 unit has beer on tap.

* You're itchin' for your next hunting trip to the forest moon of Endor so you can "bag your limit" of Ewoks.

* You find out your girlfriend is your sister.
...And you've still got the hots for her.
...And you tell Han, "Beat it buddy, I saw her first."

* You think it's OK to use Federation landing craft to flush game.

* You've ever said, "It's about damn TIME Amidala got married! Hell, she's nearly fifteen!"

* Your favorite pod racer's name is "Dale".

* You think "Demolition Pod Racing" is the next big sport.

* You've ever left the body panels off your protocol droid because, "I'd just have to take 'em off again to adjust somethin'."

* You've ever used a double-barreled lightsaber.

* Your name is "Bubba Fett".

Re: Joke World 10-01-09
 

Years ago an evangelist friend of mine was preaching at a small community

church. And as the custom was at that time the preacher stayed with one of

the families of the church. Breakfast was always a family event,

especially when company was there. With five kids, a husband, and a hungry

visitor to feed. The wife cooked up a huge meal, bacon, ham, eggs,

biscuits and gravy, hash browns, pancakes, with all the trimmings. To make

it better there was home made jellies, maple syrup, butter, and sorghum

molasses. This preacher loved sorghum molasses and after he had eaten all

the he could hold of everything else he ask for the molasses. When he

poured enough into his plate he rolled the jar to stop it from flowing as

molasses is real thick. While he was doing this he noticed the five year

old son of the cook watching him and after a long few seconds the little

boy pipes up and says for all to hear, "lick it preacher we do."

Re: Joke World 10-01-09
 

Oops.

Re: Joke World 10-01-09
 

This one little boy in about 4th or 5th grade was trying out for a school play. He earned a part and went home to tell his father.

His father was really proud of him. So his father asks what part did you get?

He replies I got the part of a man who has been married for 25 years.

His father congratulated him. And then he said "That's good son, maybe next time you'll get a talking role!"

Re: Joke World 10-01-09
 

A real oldie repeat...


A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees her guardian angel and asks if this is her time. The angel says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital for a few more days and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrives in heaven again, sees her guardian angel and says, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years!!"

The angel replies, "Sorry. I didn't recognize you."

Re: Joke World 10-01-09
 

A customer walked into a pharmacy and asked assistant for an anal deodorant. The assistant explains that they don't stock them. The man insisted that he bought his last one from this store. The assistant passed man on to the pharmacist, who explained that store has never stocked such an item.

The man explained he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago and has done so for several years. The pharmacist asked man to bring in his last purchase and he would try to match the product.

The following day, the man returned to the pharmacy and showed the deodorant to the pharmacist. The pharmacist asked why the customer thought it was an anal deodorant, when it was obviously the underarm stick variety.

The customer explained that instructions on reverse state: "Push up bottom to use."

Re: Joke World 10-01-09
 

Little Johnnys:

While driving in the car with her son Johnny, a woman had an "oldies" radio station on. It played a tune that she remembered from the 1960s.
"You know," she said, "this song first came on the radio when I was about your age. I remember listening to it while laying in bed with a broken leg."
"Gee, Mom," said Johnny, "and you couldn't even get up to turn it off."
-----
A teacher sees Johnny entering the classroom, with very dirty hands. She stopped him and said "John, please wash your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into class with hands like that?"
Johnny smiled & said "I think I'd be too polite to mention it."
-----
Little Johnny wanted to caddy for his uncle's golf game. "You have to count my strokes," his uncle told him. "How much is six plus five plus four?"
"Seven", said Johnny.
"Ok, let's go." said his uncle...

Re: Joke World 10-01-09
 

Our maid asked for a pay increase.

My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.

The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Senora...the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?

Re: Joke World 10-01-09
 

Dear Son, I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes. About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or girls so don???t know if you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down. Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.Love, Ma