Joke World 02-01-09
 

The door is open!

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize … you need to fart. The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down… and that’s when you realize… you have been listening to your ipod.

Re: Joke World 02-01-09
 

Werds of wizdum frum around the werld..

-“If you want to travel fast, travel alone. If you want to travel far, travel together. If you want to travel in comfort, fake an ankle sprain and convince the other travelers to carry you.” -- Ashanti
-“Beware the eye of the tiger, for he is a survivor, and he knows many power ballads.” -- Mulleti
-“Give a man a fish, he will eat today. Promise a man a million fish, he will contribute heap big wampum to your tribal election campaign fund.” -- Iroqouis
-“While the polar bear bickers with the seal, that fat asshole walrus snarfs all the fish.” -- Inuit
-“All around us is a dream; the sky above and land we walk. Kangaroo dung is the nightmares.” -- Aborigine
-“The man who builds his well at a distance soon laments when his wife’s mustache catches fire.” -- Khazhak
-“Do not curse the crow who has stolen you chili; tomorrow his rectum will curse the dawn.” -- Thai
-“The happy man has two chickens; the wise man shares one with the man who has none. The prudent man reports the happy man to the authorities, so they can wise him up.” -- Cuban
-“The tawny kitten writhes before the white snake.” -- Mulleti
- “Do not waste your time talking to the yak. Because yakkity yak don’t talk back.” -- Mongolian
-“Remember that the egg of power will drop if held too loosely; and an egg cannot break a rock. Okay, maybe if it’s some sort of crazy unbreakable super-duper-power egg. But then you can’t make an omelet without breaking some eggs, and neither can you make an omelet with broken rocks. It would taste like crap, and be hella hard on your teeth enamel. That is why you should probably just order the waffles.” -- Luo
-“Even the wisest turtle cannot understand the sea. Get real dude, he’s a ■■■■■■■ turtle.” -- Samoan
- “Beware the Bwana in khaki who hires you for the crew of his TV wildlife documentary, for he is often a lousy tipper.” -- Zulu
- “The camel has journeyed a thousand miles to reach the oasis palm, and yet he cannot get a date. Not smelling like that, anyway.” -- Moroccan
- “Working together, two men can do the work of three. The trick is convincing those two other suckers to work together.” -- Romanian
- “The blue oyster does not fear the reaper.” -- Mulleti
- “The clever old leopard does not fear double parking in Midtown, for his limo has UN plates and he has diplomatic immunity.” -- Malawi
- “If your canoe springs a leak, drill a bigger hole to let the water to drain out.” -- Arapazowee (extinct tribe)
- “Do not barter your ox if it is still under warrantee.” -- Tamil
- “A watched head never shrinks.” -- New Guinean
- “The single lotus blossom that brushes against river jade can defeat an army of steel fire-dragon. Well, okay, maybe that’s just the opium talking.” -- Chinese
- “The lazy monkey mocks the noble lion from the safety of the baobob tree — until the lion pulls out his surprise chain saw. Who’s laughing now, monkey? But it turns out the joke is on both of them, because here comes Marlin Perkins and his surprise tranquilizer darts.” --- Senegalese
- “Every rose has its thorn — made from poison.” -- Mulleti
- “A wise man offers his millet to be shared among the village, for his gift will be repaid a thousand times in gratitude. A wiser man takes somebody else’s millet and offers it to the village. Guess what? Same gratitude, and extra millet for good ol’ numero uno.” -- Ethiopian
- “The loyal dog feasts, but the treacherous cat no can haz cheezburgr.” -- Hungarian
- “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. And for god’s sake, bring some deodorant.” -- Lao Tse, The Personal Hygiene of War
- “The comrade who is late to work will only get the last swig of the vodka. Even then it’s probably half backwash.” -- Russian
- “Embrace the foreigner, for he only wants to know what love is.” -- Mulleti
- “The power of the leader is like his loincloth: worn too tight it will ride up and chafe, worn too loose it will expose all his junk.” -- Ibo

Re: Joke World 02-01-09
 

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minoroperation. She's laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white dress and brought to the corridor. Before they enter the room she leaves her behind the theatredoor to go in and check whether everything is ready.A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the sheet away and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The secondman comes over and does the same examinations.When the third man starts examining her body so closely,she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."

Re: Joke World 02-01-09
 

Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late.

He hops on the plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas. As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead Elvis! How have you been?"

Father looks at her and says, "Get outta me face. Can't you see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis." The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and he's a little upset so he tells the cabby, "Take me to my hotel and step on it."

The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir - Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so great to see you!"

"Shut up, you imbecile. I'm not Elvis! Now turn around and drive!" So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter.

"Oh my God! Oh my God! It's you!" screams the hotel clerk. "You're back Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, complementary hookers and a full liquor bar! I'm so glad you're back!"

Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, "Thank you. Thank you very much!"

Re: Joke World 02-01-09
 

The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.

If you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It may be too strenuous for some.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!



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That's enough for the first day. Great job.

Re: Joke World 02-01-09
 

Buddy of mine is a big Chuck Norris fan, so I thought I'd look up some jokes for him.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendys.

When Chuck Norris was a teenager, he once impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the Himalaya mountains. 9 months later, the nuns all gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in NFL history.

When the Boogeyman goes to bed he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

As an infant, Chuck Norris’ parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge.

Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

When Chuck Norris urinates, he is capable of welding titanium.

Re: Joke World 02-01-09
 

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing wearing shorts, sandals, a Vote for Obama hat and a Save the Trees shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Sarah shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear’s chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear’s grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned al of them men over to him. “I give you my blessing for your brave actions!” he proudly proclaimed. “I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I’ve seen with my own eyes that this is not true.”

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, “Who the heck was that guy?”

“Dude, that was was the Pope,” another replied. “He’s in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.”

“Well,” the logger said, “he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn’t know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?”

Re: Joke World 02-01-09
 

No matter how hard my mom tries, every plant or flower she has attempted to grow seems to wither and die an untimely death under her care.

But she never gives up hope.

While she was visiting home recently, my sister nudged me and pointed to a line of new plants placed by the kitchen window.

"Look," she whispered, "death row."

Re: Joke World 02-01-09
 

The company decided to expand its hiring practices, so the company hired several cannibals. Each attended the company orientation. They attended all the classes and were given all the employee benefits. However, they were told in no uncertain terms that they were not allowed to eat any of their fellow employees. Each cannibal agreed.

Weeks later, the human resource director noticed one of the administrative assistants had disappeared. She approached the cannibals but they all denied any knowledge of the disappearance.

When the director left, the cannibal leader asked, “Which one of you did this?” A hand went up. The leader screamed, “You idiot! For weeks we’ve been eating the salespeople and not one person noticed! But you ruined it all by eating someone important!!!”

Re: Joke World 02-01-09
 

A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.

(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.

(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.

(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans

(E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills
you.

Re: Joke World 02-01-09
 

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over there' as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

'Your badge! Show him your badge!'

Re: Joke World 02-01-09
 

A commercial airplane is in flight to Chicago, when a blonde woman sitting in economy gets up and moves to an open seat in the first class section. A flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must return to her seat in the economy class because that’s the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde woman replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Chicago and I’m staying right here.”

After repeated attempts and no success convicing the woman to return to economy, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there’s a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Chicago and I’m staying right here.”

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, “You say she’s blonde? I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.” He kneels down next to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry,” then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

“I told her first class isn’t going to Chicago.”

Re: Joke World 02-01-09
 

The World's Shortest Books
--------------------------

- "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by
O.J. Simpson
- The Difference between Reality and
Dilbert
- Human Rights Advances in China
- "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by
Dennis Rodman
- Al Gore: The Wild Years
- Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific
Ocean
- America's Most Popular Lawyers
- Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts
Majors
- Detroit - A Travel Guide
- Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
- Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of
Motivational Speeches
- Easy UNIX
- Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
- Everything Men Know About Women
- Everything Women Know About Men
- French Hospitality
- "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton
- George Foreman's Big Book of Baby
Names
- "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by
Art Garfunkel
- Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating
Etiquette
- "One Hundred and One Spotted Owl
Recipes" by the EPA
- Staple Your Way to Success
The Amish Phone Directory
- The Engineer's Guide to Fashion

Re: Joke World 02-01-09
 

A few more:

-Your Guidebook to Honest Politicians in DC
-Burger King Items That Start With "Mc".
-Pictorial Guide to the Chicago Cubs World Series Championships
-Fulfilled Campaign Promises, 478 BC - 2009 AD
-Household Uses For Plutonium
-Compendium of Ironworks Religious Threads That Don't Contain Flames
-Orville Reddenbacher's Favorite Snacks
-Successful Experiments In Cohabitation With Piranhas
-The DMV Customer Service Manual

Re: Joke World 02-01-09
 

Rodney Dangerfield's 21 Best One Liners

1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had nothing to play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home. I went over. Nobody was home.
3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father; I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through.
11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, do you think we'll ever find them? He said, I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide.
14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
16. I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said..I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.
17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, How can I get my kite in the air? He told me to run off a cliff.
19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.
21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

Re: Joke World 02-01-09
 

A heart specialist doctor died and theyre having his funeral. The coffin was placed in front of a huge heart. When the priest finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside, then the

heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked, "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral," the man replied.

"Whats so funny about that?"

"Im a gynecologist."

Vocabulary word for the day
 

Liquidity: When you look at your investments and wet your pants.

Re: Vocabulary word for the day
 

I reviewed my 401K and wanted to cry -- does that count?

Re: Joke World 02-01-09
 

Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He
surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him
after an encounter with a porcupine.

After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he
returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.

"Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered.

"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with
you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors.
Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here?"

"Raise porcupines, Ma'am."

Re: Joke World 02-01-09
 

I hate introducing reality to humor, but as a dog owner, $15 is dirt cheap for an hour-long office visit ;) Up that to $150, and we're talking...

Re: Joke World 02-01-09
 

In the beginning there was nothing.
God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light.
There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.
- Ellen DeGeneres

Re: Joke World 02-01-09
 

Father Christmas was not in a very good frame of mind - in fact he was very depressed.

That morning after breakfast, Mrs Santa had told him that her Mother wasoming over to stay 'for a few days' and he knew that would be for several weeks, and as Christmas was approaching her visit was the last thing that he wanted.

The Elves had neen playing up and had gone on strike for more pay. The replacement elves Santa had put in were much slower and the number of toys that had been made was way down.

Father Christmas went to visit his Reindeers and found that two of them were pregnant and another two had kicked down the fence and had disappeared into the forest. He was by now even more depressed.

What I need is a drink he thought, but upon going indoors he found that the elves had hidden his Whisky and there was nothing left to drink in his liquour cabinet. Deciding upon a coffee he went into the kitchen but managed to drop the Jar of Coffee all over the floor. Now he really was cheesed off!

He went to fetch the broom to sweep up the mess but found that the mice had chewed off all the bristles.

At that moment there was a knock at the front door.

Upon opening it, Father Christmas was confronted by a beautiful Fairy holding a lovely Christmas Tree.

"Good Morning, Santa" she called "Isn't it a really lovely day. I have bought you this beautiful tree, isn't it lovely? Where would you like me to stickit?"

And that is why by tradition we have a Fairy sitting on top of our Christmas Trees.

Re: Joke World 02-01-09
 

LOUISIANA GHOST STORY
This happened about a month ago just outside of Cocodrie, a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana , and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

This out of state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by.

It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain.

Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.

The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the bayou and he would surely drown!

But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again!

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve.

Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience.

A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth (and not just some drunk).

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other,

"Look Boudreaux, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we wuz pushin it in the rain."

Re: Joke World 02-01-09
 

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves. She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves.. by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied , "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this crap but me!"

Re: Joke World 02-01-09
 

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargement.

He tells her, 'Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby. I want bigger boobies.'

She did this every day faithfully and after several months ... It worked! She grew great boobs! One night she went to a party, got trashed, and went home with some strange guy. In the morning when she woke up, she didn't know where she was, so she took a shower and left for work.

On the bus she realized that she had forgotten to do her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby asked her, 'Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?'

'Why, yes, I do. How did you know?'

'Hickory dickory dock ...'

Re: Joke World 02-01-09
 

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "He's a midget!"

Re: Joke World 02-01-09
 

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us'.

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'

The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'

Re: Joke World 02-01-09
 

wheres god?

there two boys and they live in a small little town in virginia. These two boys are especially bad and are always in trouble. after the two boys got cought for steeling one day there mothers sent them to talk to the town priest. So the two boys went to talk to the pastor and the pastor asked the smallest child to come in and talk to him. well the pastor asked the young child "do you believe in god?" the young boy answered shyly "yes" so the pastor said ok "do you know where god is?" the young boy had a puzzled look on his face and said "nope" so the pastor said again "do you know where god is?" the boy looked back and said "i alreay told you no" so the pastor asked a last time "do you know where god is?" at that time the boy ran out the room and to his older brother. The older brother asked "whats wrong?" the young boy answered "were in big trouble now" "oh well were always in trouble whats the big deal?" the young boy answered "now God is missing and they thing we've done it."

Re: Joke World 02-01-09
 

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no." "-or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "-or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "-so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Re: Joke World 02-01-09
 

Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out
to the other, "Hey Nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this
pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her
clothes, and says 'You can have anything you want!!'"
"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Remedial math...
 

Found on Failblog...



Love this part...

You recognize that one dollar is different than one cent, right? And half a dollar is different than half a cent, right? And 0.002 dollars is different than 0.002 cents, right? No? AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!

Re: Joke World 02-01-09
 

Don't know if this was here before or not...

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, “…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ‘The sky is falling, the sky is falling!’”

The teacher paused, then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?”

One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ‘Holy Mackerel! A talking chicken!’”

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Re: Joke World 02-01-09
 

Oldie...

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said.

"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got!"

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he says, "All right. Get in..."

Gamer's Optimization
 

http://hardocp.com/image.html?image=...ZfMV8xX2wuanBn

Cube-safe... but gotta be a joke, right?

Re: Remedial math...
 

English speakers who can't do math, or non-English speakers who can. Do you want to rip your hair out with your left hand, or your right? :funnysad: :funnysad:

Re: Joke World 02-01-09
 

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.

Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!"

The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"

Re: Joke World 02-01-09
 

Oldie...

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be 'North Dakota' for you non-Scandahoovians out there).

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.

Ole reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls...the cow farts.

Ole is very surprised.

He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home.

When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Hey, Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens."

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat - and the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?"

Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?"

Sven says, "My wife is from Nordakota."

Re: Joke World 02-01-09
 

An American man, a Russian man, and an African man were all up in a hot-air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds. "Aaah!" he said. "We're right over my homeland."

"How can you tell?" asked the American.

"I can feel the cold air." he replied.

A few hours later the African man put his hand through the clouds. "Aah we're right over my homeland." he said.

"How do you know that?" asked the Russian. "I can feel the heat of the desert."

Several more hours later the American put his hand through the clouds. "Aah, we're right over New York."

The Russian and the African were amazed. "How do you know all of that?" they exclaimed.

The American pulled his hand up. "My watch is missing."

Re: Joke World 02-01-09
 

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.
"I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation."

"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."'

The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.

"What was that for?" he complained.

"Your dog called last night."

Re: Joke World 02-01-09
 

A Tea Story

When I was a toddler, someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea,' which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "just the cutest thing!"

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up and then says,

"Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water is the toilet?"