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Joke World 01-01-09
Joke World is now open!
We'll start with a real oldie!! An engineer died and ended up in Hell. Soon, he became dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, they had flush toilets, air conditioning, escalators. The engineer was a pretty popular guy. One day God called to Satan and said with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?" Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God exclaimed, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here." "No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!" Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?" |
Re: Joke World 01-01-09
If You Get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk
1. They told me at the blood bank this might happen. 2. This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to. 3. Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper. 4. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm! 5. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people! 6. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance. 7. Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP). I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend. 8. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. 9. Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem. 10. The coffee machine is broken. 11. Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot. 12. Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off! 13. Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic! 14. I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands. 15. Amen. |
Re: Joke World 01-01-09
Customs
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!" |
Re: Joke World 01-01-09
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point.
1. I want to gain weight -- at least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3. Read less. 4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff. 5. Procrastinate more. 6. Drink. Drink some more. 7. Take up a new habit -- maybe smoking. 8. Spend more time at work. 9. Stop bringing lunch from home -- I should eat out more. 10. Start being superstitious. Add your own... |
Re: Joke World 01-01-09
I was a big fan of the Simpson’s, can you believe how long the show has been around? Everyone has their favorite characters, but mine is definately Homer. This guy says the funniest (and often completely true) things. Here is a list of the all time best Homer Simpson quotes ever.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get. Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman! What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway. I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman. Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs. Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin… but what good does that do me? I hope I didn’t brain my damage. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals… except the weasel. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive? Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use. Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true! How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze. You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way. Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk. Well, that does it for me. If you’ve got anymore that I missed - or you have your own favorites, add them below in the comments. All the cool kids are doin’ it. |
Re: Joke World 01-01-09
Always check your child's homework
What do you think Mommy does for a living? http://www.forwardedfunnies.com/p/200812/image001.jpg She really works at Home Depot selling snow shovels... |
Re: Joke World 01-01-09
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" "What dear?" She asked gently. "I think you bring me bad luck." |
Re: Joke World 01-01-09
Birds of a feather flock together so they can crap on your car.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog that barks all the time run to the end of his chain and gag himself. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. A penny saved is a government oversight. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. He who hesitates is probably right. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. |
Re: Joke World 01-01-09
Six Step Management Course - Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?' Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. |
Re: Joke World 01-01-09
Six Step Management Course - Lesson 2
A priest offered a Nun a lift in his car. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.' Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. |
Re: Joke World 01-01-09
Six Step Management Course - Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.' Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say. |
Re: Joke World 01-01-09
Six Step Management Course - Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. |
Re: Joke World 01-01-09
Six Step Management Course - Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull S*** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. |
Re: Joke World 01-01-09
Six Step Management Course - Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who sh##s on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh## is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep sh##, it's best to keep your mouth shut! |
Re: Joke World 01-01-09
When a woman wears a leather dress,
A man's heart beats quicker, And his throat gets dry, He goes weak in the knees, And he begins to think irrationally. Ever wonder why? It's because she smells like a new golf bag! |
Re: Joke World 01-01-09
10 Good Things About The Flu
10. No one wants to come near you. 9. You can legally take sedatives. 8. You realize guests on daytime talk shows have worse lives than you do. 7. You get away with being rude, obnoxious and surly. 6. You can smell like a baboon's butt and nobody complains. 5. You can shlep about the house unwashed and in your housecoat all day. 4. No matter how bad you feel, it's still better than how you felt after last month's tequila 'n' gin party. 3. Star Trek re-runs. 2. Your dog is allowed on the bed. 1. You get to pass the virus on to those you really dislike. |
Re: Joke World 01-01-09
My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.
Then she told me to take off her skirt. Then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore. |
Re: Joke World 01-01-09
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question. "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated loudly. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question." "Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you." |
Re: Joke World 01-01-09
Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine." By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..." |
Re: Joke World 01-01-09
Recently I was asked to play in a golf outing.
At first I said, "Naaahhh...." Then they said to me, "Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids". Then I thought..........What an opportunity….I could win this thing!!! |
Re: Joke World 01-01-09
This is more sad than funny.
The Passing of an Old Friend My parents told me about Mr. Common Sense early in my life and told me I would do well to call on him when making decisions. It seems he was always around in my early years but less and less as time passed by. Today I read his obituary. Please join me in a moment of silence in remembrance, for Common Sense had served us all so well for so many generations. Obituary Common Sense Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair , and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a Band-Aid to a student, but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing. |
Re: Joke World 01-01-09
There was an Asian lady who married an English gentleman and moved to London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but anyhow managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs. The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted. The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. So she brought her husband to the store...because he spoke English. |
Re: Joke World 01-01-09
Start with a cage containing five apes.
In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water. This continues through several more attempts. Pretty soon, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes all try to prevent it. Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape. After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes, which have been sprayed with cold water, have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? Because that's the way they've always done it and that's the way it's always been around here. And that's how company policy begins.... |
Re: Joke World 01-01-09
Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.
"I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder." "What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light." "What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there." Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder. "I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder." "What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light." "What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there." |
Re: Joke World 01-01-09
Written on the wall of a bathroom stall...
Don't beam me up Scottie, I'm taking a Sh |
Re: Joke World 01-01-09
This little fella joins the lazaratian Monks order and takes a vow of silence. However, he's promised by the head Monk that he can speak two words per year.
After the first year the head Monk asks him his two words for the year. He replies ... "More Blankets" After his second year the head Monk asks him again his two words for the year. He replies ... "More Food" After the third year the head Monk asks him his two words for the year. He replies ... "I'm Leaving" The Head Monk says ... "Thank God...you've done nothing but moan since you got here!" |
Re: Joke World 01-01-09
If...
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If, however, it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never appears to have noticed that you actually set it free in the first place, You either married it or gave birth to it! |
Re: Joke World 01-01-09
I think this has been here before...
A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After theyve had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wifes going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. Where the hell have you been?" "Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You were playing pool again!!!" Moral of the story: Always tell your wife the truth. She wont believe you anyway. At least your conscience is clear. |
Re: Joke World 01-01-09
How Cold Is Cold?
(All temperatures Fahrenheit...)
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Re: Joke World 01-01-09
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Re: Joke World 01-01-09
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back
with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?" George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done." "Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?" Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!" |
Re: Joke World 01-01-09
1stPerson: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person:"A little. Whats wrong?" 1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened." 2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?" 1st Person: "Its a pretty sensitive memo, and I didnt want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient could open it and read it." |
Re: Joke World 01-01-09
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents." |
Re: Joke World 01-01-09
To all Pet Owners
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height. Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough! To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door: To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets: 1. They live here. You don't. 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it 'fur'nature.) 3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. 4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they: 1. Eat less 2. Don't ask for money all the time 3. Are easier to train 4. Normally come when called (well, OK, the cat thinks about it) 5. Never ask to drive the car 6. Don't smoke or drink 7. Don't have to buy the latest fashions 8. Don't want to wear your clothes 9. Don't need a 'gazillion' dollar for college. And finally, 10. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children. |
Re: Joke World 01-01-09
A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, " We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event."
"Everybody shook their heads in agreement with this comment." Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?" A gentleman said, " I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives." "Very good!" ,said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do. One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction." "That"s wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do. But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, "I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the 4 weeks." Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader ask, "Why your mother-in-law's home?" "Because that will make it the longest 4 weeks of my life!" |
Re: Joke World 01-01-09
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly." |
Re: Joke World 01-01-09
There once was a man who was so fanatical about his golf game that he used to play every day without fail. One morning he had played the first hole and was just about to tee off on the second, when he saw the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen putting on the first.
The man waited until the woman had reached the second tee and asked if she would like to join him and they could finish the round together. To his surprise the woman agreed and they played the remaining holes. Not only was this woman beautiful, she was also a good golfer. When they completed their round, the man told the woman that he was a cordon bleu chef and wine buff. He invited her back to his place for a meal and a few drinks. The woman accepted enthusiastically and off they went. Back at the house the man cooked a magnificent meal. In fact it was more than just cooking it was a performance to behold. They enjoyed good food, good wine and good conversation. The man was so taken by the beauty and skill of this woman and desired her no end. He then asked if she would like to play golf the following morning, to which she agreed. Once again they enjoyed a great game of golf, a magnificent evening meal. This went on for three weeks when the lawyer finally said to the woman, "Listen, the golf and the company have been fantastic! But, there are only so many performances a man can take. When are we going to have sex?" "We can't," said the woman. "Why not?" came the reply. "Because I'm a transvestite" replied the woman. "YOU BITCH!" screamed the lawyer, "I CAN'T BELIEVE that you've been playing off the LADIES TEE for the last three weeks!" |
Re: Joke World 01-01-09
See if you can do this. Read each line aloud without making any mistakes. If you make a mistake you MUST start over or it won't work.
This is this cat This is is cat This is how cat This is to cat This is keep cat This is a cat This is dumbass cat This is busy cat This is for cat This is forty cat This is seconds cat Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top... Betcha can't resist passing it on ;) |
Re: Joke World 01-01-09
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him. "Hi .... My name is Carmen," she told him. "That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men." "What's your name?" she asked. He said, "B. J. Titsenbeer." |
Re: Joke World 01-01-09
A teacher just taught her class how to describe stuff, using colors and size. She then decides to play a guessing game with them. She asks, "what fruit is red both on the inside and the outside?" A very smart little boy by the name of Johnny, jumped up and answers, "it's a strawberry." The teacher replied, "no dear, but you're thinking, you're thinking."
She then asks, "what is yellow on the inside and sometimes yellow and green on the outside?" The same little boy jumps up and shouts, "an orange." The teacher smiled patiently and said, "no Johnny, but you're thinking, you're thinking." She then offered them the chance to quiz her. Again, Johnny hollers out and asks, "what is long, brown, has a red head and in my pants?" Apalled by his question, she sent him to the corner. He then looked at her and said, "no miss, it's my pencil, but you're thinking, you're thinking!" |
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