The 213 Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed to Do in the U.S. Army
by SGT Shawn Stanford

Once upon a time, there was a SPC Schwarz stationed with the U.S. Army in the Balkans. SPC Schwarz was either very clever or very bored; but probably both, since he managed to attempt or be warned about 213 things he wasn't allowed to do. He collected those things into a hillarious list and posted them to the web. The site hadn't been updated in a couple of years and has since gone away; but the list is classic, so I saved it. A couple favorites: 2. My proper military title is 'Specialist Schwarz' not 'Princess Anastasia'. and 191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.


http://www.avalanchetankers.us/archives/000058.html

Lol!

I'd say I laughed at about 2/3 of them. Good list!

<font color=lime>Right on man! [img]graemlins/awesomework.gif[/img] Great post! </font>

::has face buried in hands, hiding fits of laughter::

That was, by far, the single funniest thing that I have seen on this board for a long time. I was annoying everyone else in the house from laughing too hard :D

lol that was great, if that was real i think they would have eventually discharged him from the army for insanity or something.
Very funny anyway :D

LOL some of them were really, really good.

Vulcanrider [img]graemlins/thumbsup.gif[/img]


ROTFLMAO
Just like Shadowhound said, That is the funniest thing I've read in a long time.

"I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.

Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same. "

about 150 of them made me LOL :D

Definitely hilarious! Man, I just want to see the faces of some of the officers when he pulls off these things...

Simple .... "First Sergeant! Take care of this." Then find a nice secluded corner and fall over laughing!

I have a friend who just talked to an army recruiter (No, this isn't the flamboyant homosexual I mentioned in another thread), and I showed him the list. He was immensely disappointed that he can't do ANY of that, should he join.

ROFLMAO great now there's rootbeer all over the keyboard and monitor! [img]tongue.gif[/img]

Damn, I'm laughing so hard I couldn't continue eating my lunch. :D

LoL! That's the funniest thing I've read in a looong time! Thanks for sharing! [img]graemlins/laugh.gif[/img]

That got me in serious trouble, I was meant to be working on something for my parents and I had to try and keep a dead serious look on my face while reading those... failed miserably :D

<font color=deepskyblue>I started laughing so hard at the urine tests that it was almost 5 full minutes before I could even explain to my coworker what I was laughing about.

However, I will go on record as saying that the platoon should have subjected him to a slow and tortured death for #154.

THAT'S JUST WRONG!!!!</font>

[ 01-30-2004, 12:24 PM: Message edited by: Cerek the Barbaric ]

ROFL! That was just plain brilliant.

You know, I really tried to keep a straight face at work. But I lost it at:


101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.

I wasn't at work, but 101 was the first one to make me actually laugh.

137 Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.
138 Even if my commander did it.

Was also pretty good.

[ 01-30-2004, 06:31 PM: Message edited by: Seraph ]

That 101st thing remembered me on my own joke in the army. :D

It would go like this:
When camouflaging an APC you may NOT put treebranches in the gun barrel!
(oh the joy when lieutenant noticed that and almost bursted)

Thank you for posting that. I want to find Specialist Schwarz and make him my new best friend! ;)

Gawd that was funny. :D

That was the funniest thing I have ever read...

my stomach is literally hurting [img]tongue.gif[/img]

I was more than half way down the list before I realized Specialist Schwarz was male...

At first I didn't think these were that funny:
2. My proper military title is 'Specialist Schwarz' not 'Princess Anastasia'.
5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.
18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous 'Barbie Girl Dance' while on duty.
80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions

until I realized my mistake when I read these:
165. I do not get 'that time of month'.
178. I am not 'A lesbian trapped in a man's body'.

I gotta say my favorite out of the whole list was:
201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.

ROTFL! So what CAN you do with duct tape? LOL I mean if you can't make your boots black and shiny with it? [img]graemlins/laugh2.gif[/img]

http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung...smiley-009.gif Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.

(Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.

The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.

It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.

http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung...smiley-044.gif