The eagle

Once upon a time there was a large moutainside where an eagle's nest was rested. The nest contained four large eagle eggs. One day, an earth quake shook the mountainside and one of the eggs fell down the cliff, to a chicken farm.

The chickens knew they should care and protect the egg, so one old hen volunteered to hatch the egg. One day, the egg hatched, and a beautiful eagle was born.

Sadly, however, the chickens disliked the eagle. They feared her for not only what she is, but also what potentials she may possesse. They taunted her, lied about her, hurt her, picked on her, isolated her, joked about her, ruined her colorful feathers, and hurt her beautiful wings, and fed lies to her that she was nothing but a chicken. The eagle believed that she was INDEED nothing but a chicken, but her spirit cried for what there is more in life!

She would look up in the sky and found a group of eagles soaring high above, and she would cry:" I wish I could soar like those birds!" The rest of the chickens raored with laughers: "HAHA, you cannot soar! you are a chicken!"

Then one day, came another he-eagle, who loved the she-eagle. He would often tell her the wonders he saw in the sky high above the chicken pit. He expressed his admirations and how much he loved her. He told her that she could fly too!

The she eagle was very angry, and she was hurt because she felt that she didn't deserve love. She cried:
"WHY DO YOU LOVE A CHICKEN?"

The he-eagle was sad, but said nothing. Instead, he led her to a cliff, and stood over the edge, said:
"come here, my love"

"No, I won't" she replied

"Come here, I love you." he said

"No, I am afraid." she resisted

"Come with me." he said

So she came over the edge, and he pushed her.

Then she flys!


[This message has been edited by 250 (edited 09-23-2001).]

very nice.....

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Platinum Fighter of ALSB

thx :-D

hope that encourages whoever in need

I love eagles, they're so powerful, beautiful and majestic http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...iles/smile.gif You did some nice work there pal http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...miles/wink.gif

*applause*

Very nice work there 250, very nice indeed

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thanks http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...es/biggrin.gif

the person that I love suffered a similar and worse fate.

the original work, written by some unknown dude had a different ending
the eagle died by old age and never got a chance to redeem herself
I hated it, and it sucks. so I wrote this one http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...les/tongue.gif thanks for reading

An adaptation of the 'ugly duckling' story, but I like the eagle/chicken contrast better, lol! http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...es/biggrin.gif

Only one criticism - you need to do a little work on your understanding of English grammer! It will make your work SO much better. Hope you don't mind me mentioning it? http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...iles/smile.gif

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no, definately NO. I DONT mind AT ALL

give me some suggestions please?

by the way... the story had nothing to do with duckling, coincident/similarity, maybe, but hardly adaptaion

Fljotsdale, help me out plz... http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...es/biggrin.gif

Very nice too-fiffee. http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...s/biglaugh.gif

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Just as an example, I'll go over your first paragraph, ok? I'm only fixing the grammer, nothing else, not touching the way you tell the story.

Yours:
Once upon a time, there was a large moutainside, where an eagle's nest was rested. The eagle's nest countained four large eagle eggs. And one day, an earth quake shaked the mountainside and one of the eggs fell down the cliff, to a chicken farm. (45 words)

My revision:
Once upon a time there was a large mountain where an eagle's nest rested. The nest contained four large eggs. One day, an earthquake shook the mountain, and one of the eggs fell down the cliff to a chicken farm. (40 words)

You will notice that I have removed some words that did not need to be there (NEVER use more words than you NEED). Check which ones, and ask yourself why. I have corrected the tense and form of 'shaked' (incorrect) to make it 'shook' (correct), and the spelling of 'countained' (which may have been a typo!) to 'contained', and have altered 'mountainside' to 'mountain' simply because it sounds better, not because 'mountainside' is incorrect. Oh, and notice where I have altered punctuation.

Hope that helps!

Do you do much reading?


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[This message has been edited by Fljotsdale (edited 09-23-2001).]

that sure helps! I shall go over it again!

I do much reading... but what can I say... focus too much on the ideas maybe?

Yeah, more than likely! Pick up a story that you like and know well - maybe one you have read several times - and start to read it WITHOUT concentrating on the ideas.
Look at the WAY the writer tells the story. Notice how s/he uses punctuation; how a thought carried from one sentence to the next does not necessarily need to have the subject repeated ('eagle's nest' is EXPECTED to contain 'eagle's eggs, so you only need to mention what sort of eggs they are if they are NOT eagle's eggs). Look at the impact of a short sentence as compared to a long sentence, and HOW the writer uses both to create mood, etc.
Particularly look at words that convey tense/time - like shook, shake, shaken. You need to have these consistent or your reader will feel confused.
If you can get through a short story doing this diligently you will get some grasp of how to use the language yourself without ever having to look at a book of grammar! (Perish the thought!) http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...miles/hihi.gif
Just concentrate on HOW the author writes, not on the story!

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thanks, thats gold indeed! I shall look into it!