Re: Joke World 06-01-09
 

"Mary had a little lamb,

her father shot it dead,

and now it goes to school with her,

between two lumps of bread."

Re: Joke World 06-01-09
 

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are
hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to
blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as
he is greeted by his mother. He says, "I know the whole truth." His
mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and
greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands
him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees
the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the
whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and
says, "Then come give your daddy a great big hug!".

Re: Joke World 06-01-09
 

This "Messin' with Sasquatch" video was only released on the 'Net... check it out!



Cube safe... I guess...

Re: Joke World 06-01-09
 

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George
Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.


Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line
of Coded message:

370H-SSV-0773H



Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice .

Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad.

Eventually they asked Australian Intelligence (ASIO) for help.

Within a minute, ASIO emailed the White House with
this reply:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside
down."

Re: Joke World 06-01-09
 

Been here before...

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.

While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land , for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance".

Re: Joke World 06-01-09
 

A reporter asked Henry Ford the secret of his successful married life.
“Same as with cars - STICK TO ONE MODEL.”

Re: Joke World 06-01-09
 

And from the Onion News Network:

Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard

Re: Joke World 06-01-09
 

One day President Bush was visiting Queen Elizabeth and she decided to take him for a tour of London in the Royal Carriage. The carriage was being pulled by six Royal Stallions and one of them suddenly passed gas. It sounded like a 21-gun salute it was so loud! The smell permeated the inside of the carriage and the Queen was totally devastated.

"I appoligize profusely for the terrible smell inside the carriage", she said.

"Oh, that's alright", said the George, "for a minute there I thought it was the horse!"

Re: Joke World 06-01-09
 

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She'd just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help, and to complain.

The golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'

'I was stung by a bee', she said.

'Where', he asked.

'Between the first and second hole', she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your stance is too wide.'

__________________________________________________ __


'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow toToronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and .......OH, MY GOD!'

Silence followed! Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom...

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

One Irish passenger yelled, 'By Jezus, you should see the back of mine!!!'

__________________________________________________ _______

Re: Joke World 06-01-09
 

10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn
the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming,
of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times,
reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back
down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection
(lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will
somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for
one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept
onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he
finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the
"open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort
to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole
purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh
ground pepper.

8.PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number
and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog
presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always
letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when
you're only six inches away.