A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous
redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, & hands it back. "Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, & afterwards the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams & he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to
come to her place for an intimate nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible!!!!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No, she replies......"

"You just happened to catch my eye."

Badda boom! :D

The prime minister of Israel sits down with Arafat at the
beginning of negotiations regarding the resolution of the
conflict. Prime Minister Sharon requests that he be
allowed to begin with a story.

Arafat replies, "Of course."

The prime minister begins his story: "Years before the
Israelites came to the Promised Land and settled here,
Moses led them for 40 years through the desert. The
Israelites began complaining that they were thirsty and,
lo and behold, a miracle occurred and a stream appeared
before them. They drank their fill and then decided to
take advantage of the stream to do some bathing --
including Moses. When Moses came out of the water, he
found that all his clothing was missing.

"'Who took my clothes?' Moses asked those around him.

"'It was the Palestinians,' replied the Israelites.

"Wait a minute," objected Arafat immediately, "there were
no Palestinians during the time of Moses!"

"All right," replied the prime minister. "Now that we've
got that settled, let's begin our negotiations."

...Sharp ;)

HAHAHA....THIS IS SO STUPID, IT'S FUNNY!!!

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out
across the
middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it but,
unfortunately, the
rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls
over and gets
out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay,
the rabbit is
dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man
crying on the
side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and
asks the man
what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains. "I accidentally hit this rabbit
and killed
it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls
out a spray
can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and
sprays the
contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them, and hops
off down the
road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around, and waves
again. He hops
down the road another ten feet, turns and waves, hops another
ten feet,
turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again,
until he hops
out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in
that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The blonde woman turns the can around so that the man can read
the label.
It says...................................(Are you ready for
this? You know
you're gonna be sorry!!)

It says, "HAIR SPRAY, RESTORES LIFE TO DEAD HAIR AND ADDS
PERMANENT WAVE."

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half
wild,
naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and
open to trade
especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed, and
convinced of her
own beauty.
Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France, gently aging but still
a warm and
a desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war, haunted
by past
mistakes, massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between 51 and 60 she is like Russia, very wide and borders are
unpatrolled,
the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between 61 and 70 a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and
all
conquering past but alas, no future.
After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it
is but no
one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.

QUICK MANAGEMENT COURSE

Lesson One

A crow was sitting in a tree, doing nothing all day. A small
rabbit saw the
crow & asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all
day long?"
The crow answered, "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the
ground below
the crow and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on
the rabbit,
and ate it.

Management Lesson?
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very
high up.

Lesson Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to
get to the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the
energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied
the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found it actually gave
him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day,
after eating
some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a
fourth day, he
was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey
out of the
tree.

Management Lesson?
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Three

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold
the bird froze
and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying
there, a cow
came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay
there in the
pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung
was actually
thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy and soon began
to sing for
joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the
sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung
and promptly
dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson?
1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth
shut!

> WHY MATH IS TAUGHT IN SCHOOL
>
> I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver
cut right
in
> front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive onto the
shoulder to
> avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough
that he hung
> his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.
>
> "Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile
nicely and
> wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to
me in
traffic,
> and here's why:
>
> I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles
each day.
>
> Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the
> bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars
every 40 feet
> for 32 miles.
>
> That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even
though the
> rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, figure I pass at
least
> another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like
36,000 cars
> that I pass every day.
>
> Statistically, half of these are driven by females.
>
> That's 18,000 women drivers!
>
> In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.
>
> According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as
dissatisfying or
> unrewarding. That's 449.
> According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all
females have
> seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34%
describe men
> as their biggest problem. That's 33.
> According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females
carry
> weapons, and this number is increasing.
> That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one
female that
has
> a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has
seriously
> considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

> Flip one off? ... I think not.

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and
settled down in
their old neighborhood and are celebrating their fiftieth
wedding anniversary.
They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold
hands as they
find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved "I love
you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored
car practically
at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't know what
to do with it
so they take it home. There, she counts the money, and it's
fifty-thousand
dollars.

The husband says, "We've got to give it back."

She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the
bag and hides it
up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the
neighborhood, looking
for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me,
but did either of
you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

She says, "No."

The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One
says, "Tell us
the story from the beginning."

The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from
school
yesterday..."

The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of
here."

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

Bullshit Bingo Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls? Here is a way to change all of that!

How to play: Check off each block when you hear these words during a meeting, or phone call.
When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout BULLSHIT!!

Synergy Strategic Fit Gap Analysis Best Practice Bottom Line
Revisit Bandwidth Hardball Out of the Loop Benchmark
Value-Added Proactive Win-Win Think Outside the Box Fast Track
Result-Driven Empower [or] Empowerment Knowledge Base Total Quality [or] Quality Driven Touch Base
Mindset Client Focus[ed] Ball Park Game Plan Leverage

Testimonials from satisfied players:

“I had only been in the meeting for five minutes when I won.” - Jack W. - Boston

“My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically.” - David D. - Florida

“What a gas. Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win.” - Bill R. - New York City

“The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the 5th box.” - Ben G. - Denver

“The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed ‘Bullshit’ for the third time in 2 hours.” - Kathleen L. - Atlanta

> Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a Tennessee Mountain
man, was
> drafted by the Army.
>
> On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb.
That
> afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head.
>
> On his second day, the Army issued him a tooth brush.
> That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth.
>
> On his third day, he was issued a jock strap. . .
> The Army is still looking for him.
>