Re: Joke World 01-01-09
 

It was Jim’s birthday, and he was considered to be an “old man” by his friends standards. So, to liven him up a bit, Jim’s friends decided to give him something special for his birthday. They bought him a hooker.

The call girl, as she preferred to be called, went to his house and knocked on the door. When Jim answered, she said “Hi I’m your birthday present!”

Startled, he asked “What am I supposed to do with you?”

“I’m yours for super sex,” she answers.

So Jim replied “Well, I’m 75 years old so I’ll have the soup.”

Re: Joke World 01-01-09
 

Watch the timer on the scene starting around the 49 second mark... gotta love that reaction!

Re: Joke World 01-01-09
 

The city of Paris lost the chance to host the 2012 Olympics and they're very bitter about it.

Apparently the Parisians are disappointed because they were looking forward to being rude to thousands of new people.

Re: Joke World 01-01-09
 

Yeah but the last few seconds really made me LOL...

Re: Joke World 01-01-09
 

Sorry... I was trying to point to that last little bit. I wanted to highlight the time, because I'm pretty sure I know what was going through that guy's mind... :heee:

Re: Joke World 01-01-09
 

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases the speed to 60 mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up and he is now doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster and faster until he reaches 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass pillar, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"

Re: Joke World 01-01-09
 

The new "Mac vs PC"...

Re: Joke World 01-01-09
 

Now that's an ad I'd LIKE to see on tv... is there a sequel with the IBM-bot calling in mama mainframe?

Oh, while I'm here...

Dentist: "Try to relax. I'll pull your tooth in five minutes."
Patient: "How much will this cost me?"
Dentist: "About $200.00"
Patient: "That much for just five minutes work?"
Dentist: "If you want, I can pull it out really slowly..."

-------------------

A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill. "I'm shocked!" she complained. "This is three times what you normally charge."
"I know", said the dentist, "but you yelled so much you scared away two other patients."

-------------------------

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in one ear, and a banana in the other. "What's wrong with me Doc?", he asked.
"You're not eating right", said the doctor...

Re: Joke World 01-01-09
 

While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed:

"Over the years, I haven't been completely faithful to you."

"When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion," she explained.

The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget a few moments of weakness in his wife.

"I'm curious though," he said, "Where did the thirty dollars come from?"

"Oh that, " his wife replied, "Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out!"

Re: Joke World 01-01-09
 

Florida Condo Reasonable Rates


Hello up there in the cold !!!



You wouldn't believe the DEALS that are available down here due to the state of the economy !!!

I haven't said anything to anybody about this until now because we wanted to wait until things were final. We just purchased a one bedroom condo near Sannibel Island in South Florida as an investment property.

It finally closed this week, so we thought that we would let y'all know in case anyone is interested in accommodations for an upcoming getaway to Florida. It's available for weekends or on a weekly basis when we aren't using it. For now, we will be handling bookings until we can find an agent.

Weekends will cost about $100 for three nights and $200 for the week (good friends and family will be free the first time). These prices are low because they are for friends and family.

Prices will be a bit different for people we don't know and a deposit will be required from them, but we can discuss that on an individual basis.

In any case, it's a one bedroom, high-rise unit that overlooks the ocean, nestled among lush greens, and has a lovely ocean view from every window! See photo below.












Let us know if you're interested .




http://img220.imageshack.us/img220/3329/trailerdq3.jpg

Re: Joke World 01-01-09
 

A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. “Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.”

“Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.”

So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks.

The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.”

Re: Joke World 01-01-09
 

Old Hits Re-Released

Great news! Some of the old favorite singers and bands have re-released
their great hits with new titles and lyrics to accommodate their aging
audience.

Some examples:

Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"

The Rolling Stones: "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"

Credence Clearwater Revival: "Bad Prune Rising"

Marvin Gaye: "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

The Who: "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"

The Troggs: "Bald Thing"

Carly Simon: "You're So Varicose Vein"

The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"

Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now"

The Temptations: "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"

ABBA: "Denture Queen"

Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"

Procol Harem: "A Whiter Shade of Hair"

The Beatles: "I Get By With a Little Help From Depends".

Re: Joke World 01-01-09
 

<font color=skyblue>For a gaming website, I couldn't pass up posting this! The ranger/ranger class and his quad-wield ability.
</font>
http://www.nuklearpower.com/daily.php?date=090127

Re: Joke World 01-01-09
 

A plane takes off from New York's Kennedy Airport. After it reaches a cruising altitude, Captain Sparks makes an announcement over the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to flight 293,' he says. 'The weather ahead looks clear, so sit back, relax and - OH MY GOD!'

The intercom falls silent.

A minute later, Capt. Sparks comes back on the intercom. 'I'm so sorry for scaring you all earlier,' he says.

'But while I was talking, an attendant spilled a boiling cup of coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

'That's nothing,' a passenger in coach shouted. 'You should see the back of mine!'

Re: Joke World 01-01-09
 

My redeye flight from New York had almost reached Orlando, and Captain Sparks came back on the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen", he said, "we'll be landing in just a few minutes. Thank you for flying with us tonight." Then, apparently unaware that he'd left the microphone on, we heard him tell the copilot, "Boy I'll be glad when this run is over. I could sure use a cup of coffee and a BJ". The flight attendant near me looked up in surprise, then turned and hurried toward the cockpit.

As she ran up the isle I called out "Don't forget the coffee!!"

------------------------------------------------------------

The reason I'd gone to NY was to run the New York City Marathon. Almost immediately, I found myself as the very last runner. It was embarrassing. The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He asked me "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"

"Do you really want to know?" I asked. Then I dropped out of the race...