I like the idea for this story very much, Craig, and your prose is more effortless and elegant than I've seen in anyone your age before.
You do have a point about pomposity - the opening paragraph is a little too inflated IMO. Often has to do with using too many adjectives - sometimes more is less ;) Not sure what you mean by 'more abstract' - it's not so abstract to me at all...
I liked how you called the man Bonheur, that worked well. The Gods' names less so, I think calling them Love, Envy, etc would have worked equally well. But it adds a nice ring, I can imagine. [img]smile.gif[/img]
Apart from that, your style keeps improving, it really comes naturally to you and that's very encouraging for the future [img]smile.gif[/img]

[ 08-25-2002, 04:41 AM: Message edited by: Melusine ]

By more abstract, I just mean that this one has "supernatural" elements (not usually my style), and I played much more heavily with symbolism rather than actual narrative in this one. [img]smile.gif[/img]

I have problems with Pomposity at times... I might go through this more than once and strip away all the excess descriptions and what-not... might make it slightly more readable, hopefully. The god's names, I just wanted to play with a little - calling them "love" or "jealousy" in Englsih was mildy uncreative, or so I saw it, and it gave me another 'screen' to hide a layer of meaning behind. Not too sure if that at all trnslated from my mind onto paper though. [img]tongue.gif[/img]

Well, if you think my style is improving, then i'm flattered. Thanks for the comments. :D

Ah, OK. That isn't abstract though, it's symbolism and supernaturalism ;)
But I see what you mean - less grounded in the "real world" like Glasgow Rain, further from your own realm of imagination.

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I have problems with Pomposity at times...

Don't worry, it's not half as bad as in normal 'teen writings' :D
But yeah, it would be a good thing to keep in the back of your head when writing.

Quote:

I might go through this more than once and strip away all the excess descriptions and what-not... might make it slightly more readable, hopefully. The god's names, I just wanted to play with a little - calling them "love" or "jealousy" in English was mildy uncreative, or so I saw it, and it gave me another 'screen' to hide a layer of meaning behind. Not too sure if that at all trnslated from my mind onto paper though. [img]tongue.gif[/img]

Well, to most people, I don't think so. An educated audience will probably read L'amour as Love, it's hardly exotic to them. So it doesn't really add a layer to me, not in the sense that the symbolism is veiled. It's painfully clear who all your characters represent. If you wanted to actually hide your intent more, I'd have made the names even more obscure. Even calling her Lamour would make it less conspicuous... calling Jalousie "Vert" (= green, as in the green-eyed monster). Stuff like that. Anyway, I don't think that's necessary... even though the names arepretty obvious they add to the atmosphere. I liked the use of French names - it did give a different flavour.

Oh and by 'improving' I didn't mean your style was bad before, just that it's getting even better! [img]graemlins/thumbsup.gif[/img]

Points taken. [img]smile.gif[/img]