OOoooh! I like it! And don't worry about the names. They aren't 'weird' at all! http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...iles/smile.gif This is GREAT!

*starts chanting* MORE! MORE! MORE! MORE!

http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...miles/wink.gif

So far, no criticisms to be had. Just remember to break this into paragraphs when you publish it! http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...iles/smile.gif

Really http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...miles/wink.gif
Ah well... These things don't work well in a text http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...iles/smile.gif

As for your text, you're writing pretty good, but were I you there are a couple of things you should think about.

First and foremost, using brackets in a story is not a very good idea. You may have done this because we did not get to read a lot of Nivor's history, in which case it's okay.

Second, at one point you're telling what is going to happen to Nivor. Some writers prefer working that way, others don't. Personally I wouldn't do it but that's your choice

Finally, I noticed you're using very few descriptions of the surrounding area. One of the more important things a writer has to do is make a balance between telling a fluid story and creating a world which the reader can visualize. This is hard and takes a lot of time to get right, just experiment with that a bit.


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The last arrow of Legolas kindled in the air as it flew,
and plunged burning into the heart of a great wolf-chieftain.
All the others fled. -J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...miles/hero.gif http://www.angelfire.com/realm/spijl/wc3ranger.gif

[This message has been edited by Legolas the Elven Archer (edited 10-22-2001).]

Thank you all!!
Especially Legolas for *very* helpful criticism http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...iles/smile.gif
I value what you posted and see the point

Btw i will break it into proper paragraphs

So... do u want me to post more or can someone else post some of their original work??



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........And in the darkness bind them......

I'd be happy to read some more, or I could post the (uneventful) beginning of my own 'book' (I finally decided to do it in English) or both. Your call.

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The last arrow of Legolas kindled in the air as it flew,
and plunged burning into the heart of a great wolf-chieftain.
All the others fled. -J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...miles/hero.gif http://www.angelfire.com/realm/spijl/wc3ranger.gif

Er... hello YeRFDoG aka Jason G! http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...iles/smile.gif Good story (did I post that at OUAP too?)! http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...iles/fairy.gif

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http://imagehosting.bidbay.com/image.php3?imgID=614236 http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...iles/hero2.gif

Sapphire Dragoness of ALSB
Waitress at Cloudy's Cafe
Guardian of the Temple of Aerie (specialized in GenCon and BG)
Magess of Lady Lioness' Court
Saint of the SoS
Historian of IW
Most Illustrious Arch-Magess of the Illuminati
Lux omnis est
Once Upon A Paper Writer's Forum

I have a beginning of a book (few paragraphs) I'd like some input on, so I'll post it soon. Until then - post more of yours if you like.

And Legolas, post yours, too! http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...iles/smile.gif

If we all keep this up, we'll need to join up on Kaz's OUaP site! http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...iles/smile.gif

Post! Post! Post!

I will post some more of my story when i get some time in a few days, (btw a fight is coming up) but i would reallylike to see your stuff too, Dragonmage and Legolas....
Oh yeah hi Kaz http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...iles/smile.gif

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........And in the darkness bind them......

Standing atop the walls of Lanthal Sieth watched the row of men, women and carts as they slowly moved towards the castle. Through his looking glass he could see two of the men struggle as they unwrapped a lightblue banner. It bore the mark of Aric, a grey horse, staggering in front of a dark red sun. Though it would take the column a few more hours to reach his home, Sieth descended into the courtyard and moved towards the keep to warn his parents.
As usual, Sieth was too late. Lady Shais was already instructing some servants, making sure that there would be food for the travellers and room in the barracks and stables. Three men-at-arms were struggling with Lord Eirar's armour. With Sieth's help, it didn't take too long before the Lord stood ready. Despite his age, the ruler of Sarìn was an imposing figure. White hair worked with grey iron to create an image of a tanned face. A slim but muscular posture indicated Eirar was once a mighty warrior, but even within his keep he could best most of his guardsmen.
Lady Shais turned to face her son. 'You had best get dressed too, Sieth.'
He did as she asked and went to his chambers. Clean clothes were already laid out for him on his bed. Sieth could get one of the servants to help him, but he felt he could dress himself equally well. Looking in the mirror he could easily see the resemblances he showed with his father. His short, blonde hair would one day be as grey as his father's, and he had the same thin nose and angular jawline as well. Training and swordplay had made him stronger than most other boys of his age as well. From his mother, all that he had inherited were the red eyes and one lock of brown hair on the left side of his face.
Sieth started towards the courtyard again, where his father would no-doubt be waiting for Lord Aric to arrive.

When the travellers finally reached the gates, ten armsmen were sent out. More than one castle had fallen because the lords weren't careful, and Eirar didn't want to make such a mistake. Yet all of Aric's companions were human, and they were allowed entry. As soon as the first guards rode through the gates servants and stableboys moved forward to take horses and give directions. Soon after, Aric and his group of veteran armsmen entered. With the help of one of them, Lord Aric dismounted and walked toward Eirar.
The two men were close friends and had fought the Enemy together on many occasions. Yet no such matter had brought Aric to Lanthal. It was more of a social call. Soon the two lords were heading for the main hall together, talking and laughing heartily. For Sieth, the lord was like an uncle. For Eirar, a brother. The men-at-arms in the courtyard remained still for a while, then went to help the rest of Aric's small army.


'Man had left it's caves only a few score years ago. The dwarven clans had driven him out into the sun. Man found the land occupied by colourful animals, elves and other creatures. They were as hostile as the dwarfs. Though at first man was outnumbered and underarmed, more and more were forced to leave their ancestral homes. Eventually man managed to take hold of a small valley and built defences. How man knew this technique is unknown. Surely they must have had no use for walls in their caves? Yet there man was, using clay from the rivers, wood from the forests and blocks of stone from the mountain's skirts. And Man had a valley of it's own. Man worked iron and created armour. Man used steel and made weapons. Man remembered how to create spears and bows. Man tried to make other weapons too. Small metal boxes firing lead balls, and swords. But these failed. Man moved from the valley, away from the mountains to conquer more land. At first surprised by man's equipment, the Enemy lost battle after battle. After four months, Man took over Geldon. After four months, the Enemy knew how to fight Man. Man nor the Enemy could drive the other away. So it remains.'
'But surely we can gain some advantage?' Sieth asked.
'Whenever Man thinks of something new, the Enemy finds an answer shortly after.'
Sieth's history teacher was interrupted by the arrival of a servant.
'Lady Shais requests your presence in the smaller hall, young master.'
Sieth got up and followed the man to the hall. His mother was alone in the hall, not counting the servants, who were everywhere all the time. The hall itself was one of three in the castle. The other two, the Main hall and the larger hall, which was only used on special occasions, were more decorated than the smaller hall. This hall was actually quite sober, having only a statue or six along the sides and brandishing maybe two dozen banners, leaving a lot of bare wall visible. A blazing hearth warmed the hall, which would otherwise have been quite cold this time of year. Dried mosses lay on the floor for additional warmth.
'Where are father and Lord Aric?' Sieth asked.
'They have gone hunting in Largewood, my son'
'Largewood?'
Sieth was confused. Lord Eiror had always preferred the woods near the town of Lanthal for hunting.
'I sent him there so you can visit your friend' his mother explained.
'I want you to spend some time with Nathan.'


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The last arrow of Legolas kindled in the air as it flew,
and plunged burning into the heart of a great wolf-chieftain.
All the others fled. -J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...miles/hero.gif http://www.angelfire.com/realm/spijl/wc3ranger.gif

Hey nice story Legolas!
I particularly liked the detail in your descriptions, and the dialogue is good and for me seems to make the story more interesting....
Also the background, the world is presented in detail, and hints at a planned out world. In contrast i suppose to my part, where i haven't said anything much about the world yet - infact i am still thinking about much of whats in it http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...iles/smile.gif
The only thing that confused me is how it jumped a bit from talking about Aric to the history of man. I realise that this is probably important to the story for you to do it this way, it's your style, i like it! But it just seemed a bit confusing.

By the way who is the enemy?? You have raised my curiosity, which is good of course http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...iles/smile.gif

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........And in the darkness bind them......

Thanks for the praise http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...iles/smile.gif
When I first started to try and write my story I quickly found outthat the characters had to have reasons to do what they did, so I had to come up with a short history. Unfortunately, I constantly discovered that I needed more and more history all the time before I could even begin writing...
But like you said, that eventually results in a pretty detailed and more realistic world than it would have been withut the background.
The dialouge is actually one of the which I'm unsure about. In my opinion they could be better but I haven't discovered how yet.

As for the jump, I know that the completed story would never reach novel-sizehttp://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...miles/wink.gif, so I like to keep some room for additions. Depending on how much more I need, I could describe two to four days in which Aric visits, but I want to thicken out the complete skeleton first (I've got a small list of things that are going to happen, and the first part of the story is going to link them together. After that, I can put on the 'flesh'http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...iles/smile.gif)

And as for the Enemy, that's pretty much any consious creature in the world that is not man (elves, dwarves, dragons and the like are all the Enemy. ) As you'll understand, the REAL enemy will show it's face later.
The REAL history (before the time of the caves) will also come later http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...es/biggrin.gif

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The last arrow of Legolas kindled in the air as it flew,
and plunged burning into the heart of a great wolf-chieftain.
All the others fled. -J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
http://www.ironworksforum.com/ubb/no...miles/hero.gif http://www.angelfire.com/realm/spijl/wc3ranger.gif